[nilesfunnies] Fw: Politically Correct Little Red Riding Hood - another version

Politically Correct Little Red Riding Hood - another version
There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on
the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that
would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to
study them.

Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to
as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would
have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact
exist. Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional
households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.

One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit
and mineral water to her grandmother's house. "But mother, won't this be
stealing work from the unionised people who have struggled for years to
earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?"
Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss
and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.

"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?" Red
Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for women to
oppress each other, since all women were equally oppressed until all wormy
were free. "But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the
basket, since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be
oppressed?" And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was
attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't
stereotypical women's work, but an empowering deed that would help
engender a feeling of community. "But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by
implying that she's sick and hence unable to independently further her own
selfhood?" But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother
wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way,
although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior
to what some people called "health".

Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering
the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off. Many people believed
that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood
knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms
instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an
exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in
fact intolerable competitors. Other people avoided the woods for fear of
thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless
society all marginalised peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods
and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.

On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and
wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers. She was startled
to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her
basket. Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to
strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own personhood,
and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.

She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a
gesture of solidarity."

The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk
through these woods alone."

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme,
but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from
society, the stress of which has caused you to develop and alternative and
yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to
be on my way."

Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her
Grandmother's house. But because his status outside of society had freed
him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew
of a quicker route to Grandma's house.

He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of
his nature as predator. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender
role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the
bedclothes, and awaited developments. Red Riding Hood entered the cottage
and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute
you in your role as wise and nurturing matriarch."

The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you." Red
Riding Hood said, "Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!" "You forget
that I am optically challenged."

"And Grandma, what an enormous and fine nose you have."

"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I
didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child."

"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"

The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a
reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed,
grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could
see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly. "Aren't you forgetting
something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. "You must request my
permission before proceeding in a new level of intimacy!" The Wolf was so
startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her. At the same
time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an axe.

"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.

"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood. "If I
let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own
abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement
scores on college entrance exams."

"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is
a Police sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood
nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head. "Thank goodness
you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her grandmother lured
me in here. I though I was a goner."

"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper. "I've been
dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers
earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any
aspirin?"

"Sure" said the Wolf. "Thanks." "I feel your pain," said the Wolf, giving
a little belch, and said "Do you have any Milk of Magnesia?"



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