[nilesfunnies] Fw: I just flew in from LA, and boy are my arms tired. This is because they

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I just flew in from LA, and boy are my arms tired. This is because they
had run out of carts at Charlotte Douglas, and I had to lug two extremely
heavy suitcases all the way from the baggage carousels to my car. I think
I might have pulled a muscle in my arm.

What do you call 5 mexicans in quicksand?

A dangerous situation that could soon turn tragic.

Four blondes are driving to Disneyworld. They finally get to Florida and
they see a sign that says "Disneyworld: left" so they take the left and
have a wonderful time at what many people believe to be the most magical
place on Earth.

A Mexican, a Texan, a Brit, and a Frenchman are flying on a plane when one
of the engines goes out. The pilot comes out and says "we're too heavy,
one of you will have to jump!" The Mexican looks at the Texan, the Brit
looks at the Frenchmen, but they all decide that they don't want to jump
out of the plane. The pilot attempts an emergency landing but without a
runway and only 3 engines the plane hits at too harsh an angle and
explodes.

How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?

Do something really nice for her, like buy her the piece of jewelry she
looks at every time you go into the mall, or bake her a cake. If you have
the time and effort, make her something. People appreciate thought and
effort in a present more than money.

Why don't Polish girls swim in the sea?

The only sea that Poland borders on is the Baltic. Throughout most of the
year this sea is too cold to comfortable swim in.

These three guys are in a bar, and they're pretty well smashed. First guy
turns to the second guy and goes "you know, there's a building by here
with some weird wind currents. You jump off the roof, fall nearly to the
ground, then the updrafts catch you and carry you safely to the roof
again." Second guy says "bullshit, that's a lie." First guy goes "okay,
asshole. Bet you fifty bucks that I'm right." The second guy agrees, and
they go off to the roof in question.

During the walk to the building, the second guy's head clears a bit, and
he figures out why the first guy's blue, red, and yellow costume with big
red cape looked so familiar. He calls the bet off.

There once was a man from Nantucket. He owned a sailboat. I haven't seen
him in years.

Three boys walk into the office of the head priest of their catholic
school. The priest asks what they have done wrong. The three boys each
answer "Nothing" and the priest says in frustration. "Then go do something
wrong I'm busy here."

The next day each boy is brought back separately. The first boy walks in
and the priest asks "What did you do wrong?" The boy responds, "I gutted
my cat" The priest is horrified and makes a note about the boy. When he
regained his composure he said "Son you are deeply disturbed and need
therapy but since you confessed to me you are forgiven and may drink of
the holy water."

The next boy walks in and the priest warily asks "What have you done
wrong?" "I killed my mom" he responds. The priest immediately calls the
police but before the boy is arrested the priest says to him "You are very
deeply disturbed my son but because you have confessed this sin you are
forgiven and may drink of the holy water" As soon as he does the police
escort him out of the building.

Finally the last little boy walks into the priests office. The priests
asks him "And what have you done my son?" The kid replies "I peed in the
holy water." To which the priest said "Thank God. You didn't do something
horrific like the other two. For confessing this sin you are forgiven and
may drink of the holy water once we replace it with fresh water."

Epilogue: The boys eventually accused the priest of molestation. The
priest was de-frocked and died alone, riddled with the guilt of one dead
woman and three molested boys on his head.

As their plane spirals towards the ground, a young man asks the pretty
girl next to him if she would have sex with him, as he does not want to
die a virgin. Surprised by this request, she declines, stating that in
addition to the sheer inappropriateness of the idea, the mechanics of
copulating in a crashing aircraft seem very difficult if not impossible.
He agrees and admits that he was only trying to lighten the mood. However,
she was busy putting on her oxygen mask and didn't hear this last bit.
They both spend the last moments of their lives in anxious reflection.

ANDREW

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