[nilesfunnies] Fw: For parents and parents to be - Mum's Definitions (Part 2)

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For parents and parents to be - Mum's Definitions (Part 2)

MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush,etc. which ironically make Mum look
better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp."

MAYBE: No.

MILK: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's turned
into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.

"MuuummMMM!": The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.

MUSH: 1. What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food. 2. Main element
of Mum's favourite movies.

NAILS: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mum can never have
a full set of due opening stubborn modelling clay lids, removing packaging
from the latest toy and diving down the back of the sofa to retrieve army
men and/or doll clothing.

OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids,
assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats,
cars and animals.

OPEN: The position of children's mouths when they eat in front of company.

OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mum's nickname for Dad.

PRISON: Where children who don't eat their vegetables or clean their
rooms eventually end up, according to Mum.

PETS: Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mum will have
someone else to clean up after.

PIANO: A large, expensive musical instrument which, after hundreds of
pounds worth of lessons and constant harping by Mum, kids will refuse to
play in front of company.

PURSE: A handbag in which Mum carries the cheque-book and keys she can
never find because they're buried under tissues, sweet wrappers, a plastic
container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy bear,
a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list and several outdated
coupons.

QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the
first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.

RAINCOAT: Article of clothing Mum bought to keep a child dry and warm,
rendered ineffective because it's in the bottom of a locker stuffed in a
school bag or because the child refuses to wear "the geeky thing."

REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air conditioner for the kitchen.

SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching
offspring stumble through coarse reenactment of famous historic events.

SCREAMING: Home P.A. system.

SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and
snapped performs two important functions: Protecting children from the
cold and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.

SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children's clothing made of a fabric
which attracts melted chocolate and fruit juice.

TEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mum and that person who has yet to
understand her child's "special needs".

TERRIBLE TWO'S: Having both kids at home all summer.

TRAMP: A woman with two kids and no stretch marks.

TROUBLE: Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.

VITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mum forces you to swallow each
morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be "Just like
Daddy".

WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.

WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent
ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads of gum.

"WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME": Standard measurement of time between crime
and punishment.

Neil

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