nilesfunnies

Friday, July 15, 2005

[nilesfunnies] OT The World of id cards coming to a post office near you


Scene: The Post Office. When: The not-too-distant future...]

Customer: Hello, I'd like to renew my car tax.

Post Office: Certainly sir. Would you like to speed things
up by using your new identity card?

Customer: Why yes, that would seem to be a jolly fine idea.

PO: Let me just rub it on my jumper and swipe it. Is this
the tax on the clapped-out Astra?

Customer: Yes.

PO: Bit of trouble with the MOT this year I see. Jesus that
wasn't cheap! Still, at least the speeding points come off
your licence in August - that's something to look forward
to. Bloddy hell, that Magistrate really hammered you didn't
he? Probably took exception to that membership of the Young
Communists back in your student days. Six months or twelve?

Customer: I was only in the party for four months...

PO: Not according to this. Actually, I meant the car tax.

Customer: Oh right. Twelve.

PO: How would you like to pay?

Customer: Barclayard.

PO: No, you're up to your limit on that, what about the
Capital One Card?

Customer: I don't have one.

PO: Says here you do... oh hang on... no the bloke using
that is in Glasgow at the moment buying DVD players. He's
run up quite a bill for you there mate. Try the Switch card.

Customer: Here you go.

PO: No, something wrong here, won't let me complete the
transaction. Let's have a look... ah... yes... your TV
licence has expired. Are you going to pay that too?

Customer: Well, I thought I would leave it till next month.

PO: On your head be it. Do you want some Euros while we're
at it? Two weeks in Marbella, eh, you lucky devil. I see
you're flying BA. Good choice.

Customer: Er, yes I'll do that now. Give me 500 in mixed
notes.

PO: It'll have to be 200 I'm afraid. The car tax has taken a
bite out of your funds and your monthly ID card purchase fee
direct debit is due out of the account tomorrow. Right,
there you go. Have a nice day sir.

[ Later ... Tesco checkout]

Customer: Hello, can you sell me a one-month travel
insurance policy?

Tesco: Yes sir, let me have your ID card... Thanks. Do you
have any current health problems?

Customer: No, nothing.

Tesco: You sure, sir?

Customer: Yes, why?

Tesco: Well it says here you were at the doctor's last week.

Customer: Oh, that was nothing serious.

Tesco: Let me just... Oh yes, touch of the old Farmer
Giles... No that wont be a problem. Probably sitting on
cheap charter flight seats that's to blame. I see you're
going British Airways this time around, though. Very wise.
Oops, pressed the wrong button. [Picture of Customer's
hideously empiled bottom appears on every plasma screen in
the shop, accompanied by name, address, telephone number and
email address].

Old lady in queue: Oooh they look sore dear. Have you tried
Anusol?

Tesco: I see your car had a bit of a struggle with the MOT.
Garage not keen on Communists?

Customer: Can we just do the travel insurance, and these
frozen peas?

Tesco: Peas? Shall I just check that don't have a genetic
predisposition to pea allergy? It'll only take a minute to
scan your genome... I understand. You're in a bit of a
hurry. Very good sir. Next please.

[Later again ... At the Bank]

Customer: Hello, I'd like to open a deposit account please.

Bank Clerk: Can I see your ID?

Customer: Do I have to?

BC: Yes. It will speed things up and prevent identity theft
while ensuring that only those entitled to state benefits
receive them. And it will prevent all forms of terrorism,
everywhere, for ever.

Customer: Yes of course. Here you go...

BC: Right Sir, how may I help? Would you like a cushion?

Customer: Sorry?

BC: Oh, I just thought... the frozen peas helped then?

Customer: Can we just do the bank account?

BC: Of course sir. Right, you already have a current account
with us but your holiday funds pretty well put paid to that
until payday. Hmmm... Oh dear this Capital One Account is
all over the place and your Barclaycard is at the l

--
Dave
www.davewhitter.myby.co.uk

Music is Art - Audio is Engineering
Steam is Fun

--
Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | eh up medcuk
www.niles.org.uk/blog |
www.flickr.com/photos/niles |