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Thursday, August 04, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: from todays Onion:

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*Suicide* *Bomber* *Killed* *En* *Route* *By* *Car* *Bomb*

BAGHDAD—Terrorist cells in Baghdad are in mourning for suicide bomber
Ahmed al-Khalaf, 19, who was killed by a car bomb Monday, 200 yards from
an Iraqi police station, his intended target.
Suicide Bomber Killed En Route By Car Bomb

Sources within the insurgency said al-Khalaf was "on his way to becoming a
glorious martyr" when he was struck down by the car-bomb explosion.
Twenty-three other civilians were also killed.

"What kind of God allows the death of people who are on their way to kill
innocent people?" insurgent leader Abdulwahid al-Tomizie said. "On the one
hand, I am elated that the car-bomb explosion was successful, but the loss
of the suicide bomber is a tragedy, as is the survival of all the innocent
people he might have killed."

According to al-Tomizie, al-Khalaf could have killed as many as 40
innocent people, had his life not been cut short.

"It is tragic that al-Khalaf died seven minutes sooner than he intended,"
said Hassan Abdul Aziz, leader of a local cabal of Sunni separatists. "To
think that he was just yards from his intended target. Our thoughts and
prayers are with his terrorist cell."

No insurgent groups have claimed responsibility for the car bomb, although
as many as 18 separate insurgency factions have vowed to carry on the
fight in al-Khalaf's memory.

In the past week, over 170 Iraqi citizens and U.S. troops have died in
terrorist or insurgent attacks, but al-Khalaf's death marks the first time
a terrorist has been killed by another terrorist while on a different
terrorist mission.

Terrorist leaders have called the incident a "wake-up call."

"No one likes to see a senseless waste of a willingness to take human
life," said al-Qaeda operative Salih al-Shimiri, in a videotaped message
aired on Al-Jazeera Monday evening. "However, there are worse problems
than having too many suicide bombers on our streets."

Insurgent leaders met Monday to draft new rules to prevent bombing mix-ups
like the one that killed al-Khalaf. One proposal would limit suicide
bombings to odd hours, car bombings to even. Another designates "Car Bomb
Only" traffic lanes to help terrorists get to their bombing locations more
quickly and efficiently.

"I had a man last week get stuck in traffic while driving a car bomb to
the Mendi Temple," al-Shimiri said. "When he arrived, he found it already
on fire. We don't fill the cars up with enough gas to make two-way trips,
so he was forced to blow up a nearby disco. This is madness."

Al-Shimiri added: "We all have the same goal here—the killing of innocent
civilians. Let's stop working at cross purposes."

Iraqi cleric Moqtada al-Sadr believes all insurgents must find direction
in their extreme fundamentalist faith. "When I close my eyes, all I can
see are the faces of all the innocents al-Khalaf will never get a chance
to kill. It is a sad day, but we must not let it shake our faith in the
wrath of Allah."