[nilesfunnies] Fw: The Gospel of St. Chav

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The Gospel of St. Chav
There's this bird called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin. (Wossat, then?)

She's not married or nuffink but she's got this boyfriend, Joe, innit? He
does joinery an' that. Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazaref.

One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She's like; "Oo you lookin' at?".
Gabriel just goes; "You got one up the duff, you 'av". Mary's totally
gobsmacked. She gives it to him large. "Stop dissin' me, yeah? I ain't no
Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one!"

So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone herself. Liz
is
largin' it. She's filled with spirits, Bacardi Breezers an' that. She's
like; "orright, Mary, I can proper feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I
reckon
I'm well blessed. What with the extra benefits an' that." Mary goes:
"Yeah,
s'pose you're right."

Anyway, there's the census, y'knaaa? Mary an' Joe ain't got no money so
they
have to twock a donkey, an' go dahn Bethlehem on that.

They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop, yeah? To have her bay-bee,
an'
that.

But there ain't no room in the inn, innit? So Mary an' Joe break an' enter
into this garridge, only it's filled wiv animals. Cahs an' sheep an' that.

Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns on
their
heads. They're like "Respect, bay-bee Jesus", an' say they're wise men
from
the East End.

Joe goes: "If you're so wise, wotchoo doin' with this Frankenstein an
myrrh?
Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas, an' Burberry?

It's all abaht to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sez he's got
another message from this Lord geezer. He's like: "The police is coming
an'
they're killing all the bay-bees. You better nash off to Egypt."

Joe goes: "You must be monged if you think i'm goin' dahn Egypt on a
minging
donkey."

Gabriel sez: "Suit yerself, pal. But it's your look-aht if you stay."

So they go dahn Egypt till they've stopped killing the first-born an' its
safe an' that. Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an' Jesus
turns water into lager.