[nilesfunnies] Fw: Season summary

What follows is a complete synopsis of Season 3 of '24' -- with many
spoilers -- so if you intend watching it and haven't yet, look away now.

Season summary
I found this online - I don't know who wrote it. It's a complete summary
of Season 3.

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Title Sequence

-24-

CTU: Virus! Will kill us all!
Bad guys: You will release Ramon Salazar!
CTU: Oh no we won't
Bad guys: Oh yes you will
CTU: Oh no we won't
Bad guys: Oh yes you will
CTU: Oh no we won't
Bad guys: Oh yes you will etc.

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Jack: I shall lead Ramon in a prison break
Ramon: Thanks Jack, now I'm going to kill you
Hector (Ramon's idiot brother): Oh no you won't. Jack's been working for
us!
Audience: WTF?
Ramon: WTF?
CTU: WTF?
Tony: Only kidding. He's a double agent! Duh!

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Jack: Hombres, what say we go get a killer virus and make major dollars
off it?
Hector: Sounds good
Ramon: I'm not sure
Hector: Why not?
Ramon: Don't question me ho! *shoots Hector*

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For no good reason, Nina Myers turns up.

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Audience: Oh my god! Perhaps finally they will explain all the German
references and pick up on the Max storyline and Mandy and a Centre of
Terrorist Operations ooh ooh ooh
Jack: *shoots Nina*
Audience: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

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Xenophobic US writers: OK, we need two bad guys, the first can be
Ukraninan and the second can be British cause we hate the Brits whoo!
Wait, a second, why would he be Ukraninan? Who cares, give him a British
accent!

Ukranian Amador: Hello Jack, I shall remain aloof from you whilst we
negotiate the virus culminating in a ridiculous chase where you will
capture me and I will give out a tantalising detail that shall make this
whole scenario...well it's still pretty pointless.
Jack: DAMMIT! SPEAK! WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIRED OLD CLICHES! I MEAN TIME!
Amador: He said I should be afraid of you.
Jack: Good enough...*explodes Amador*

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Saunders: I'm British and I'm evil! I rock! Whoo me! Yeah I'm cool! Whoo!
Man all this terrorising has made me thirsty, I think I'll have some
water.
Pointless henchman: Want it ice cold?
Saunders: Yes, LIKE MY HEART! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Ok, let's tell Jack
where I am....

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Meanwhile at CTU...

Chloe: I'm whiny and bitchy and have about as much tact as being hit with
a brick in the face repeatedly. I'll have a stupid storyline about a baby.
Adam: hi, I'm Adam Kaufman...I'm a plot line that never happened but my
sister will die because of the virus.
Kim: Hi, my name's Kim Bauer. You may remember me from such episodes as
"Hey my mother's lost her memory" and "My leg's caught in a cougar trap".
I'm as surprised as you are that I can actually use a computer. I have sex
with Chase but you never see it.
Gael: Hi. I'm going to pretend to be a mole, then the writers will ignore
me then they'll kill me off. USA!USA!

Tony: Jeez Ryan, who would have thought that refurbishing CTU after the
bomb last season would have been so expensive?
Chapelle: I know. Now we can only afford a team of incompetents. As
payment, Jack gets to shoot me.
Tony: Bummer. Over to Michelle.

Michelle: Thanks Tony. I'm at the Chandler Plaza Hotel where Saunders has
released a vial of the unstoppable killing virus. That's right, we were
tantalisingly too late. Cue ridiculous lines about
FAMILIES!!!!!CHILDREN!!!!OLD PEOPLE!!!!!IMMIGRANTS!!!!!!!!!!! Fortunately,
although it will take 7 EPISODES to determine this, despite being next to
the blast and not wearing a hazmat suit and being in close contact with
everyone else who has the virus, I will survive. Someone escapes and
starts spreading the virus but we'll ignore it because it's complicated.
Back to the studio.

Saunders: Not so fast! *Grabs Michelle with an evil laugh* Hey, Tony. I
got your wife!
Tony: Hey Stephen, I got your daughter!
Saunders: Dammit! Despite my ridiculously carefully devised plan that has
taken me 3 years to sort out, I shall inexplicably care about my daughter
who I never see and have failed to send to another country where the virus
won't be released.
Tony: Ok, let's swap. In doing so, I will be prosecuted for treason.
Because that's not ridiculous.
Saunders: Fine, but I'll probably get killed.
*The swap goes down but Stephen's daughter changes her mind halfway
through. Saunders then appears encouraging her, failing to notice that
CTU, the police and the Army are everywhere. They capture Saunders by
sending two F18s to blow up his chopper. This is cool.*
Saunders: Dammit! I shall now tell you all the details of my fiendshly
intricate plot. I was going to release the virus! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Audience: WTF? We already knew that...you said that in Episode
1....DAMMIT!
Jack: Wait a minute. That won't work, we're only 23 episodes in.
Saunders: Ooookkk...Well one of the guys with the virus can't be found. Go
get him.
Jack: We do not have the 11th vial (because 11 isn't a stupid no.) repeat
we do not have the 11th vial!
*Gael's vengeful wife arrives and shoots Saunders*
Audience: Dang, that was stupid.

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Chase: Hi, I'm pointless. I'll attach the last vial to my arm in a
desperate bid for attention.
Jack: You're an idiot. Now I have to chop your arm off.
Chase: WTF?
Jack: And put the vial in a fridge seconds before it explodes.
Audience: *quoting* "CTU: Virus! Will kill us all!" How come they can stop
it by putting it IN A FRIDGE??
Jack: Ask me no questions, I AM JACK!
Random announcer: Jack Bauer, you just saved LA from a third deadly day.
What are you going to do now?
Jack:I'm going to break down and cry. *He does so. Seriously. He cries.
Since when does Jack have emotions?*

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Audience: Well that was totally aniclimatic...but what about Palmer?
Palmer: I managed to get involved in a Murder One case where I held
evidence from the police to protect my scheming back stabbing wife from a
murder charge. I called her in because I am an idiot. My brother, Wayne,
(who looks just like me but with a beard) his ex girlfriend's husband was
killed in this case resulting in her being laden with a murder charge so
she killed herself and Sherri. My political opponent then threatened me
with the knowledge that I had witheld information. As such, I will not be
standing as president.
Audience: Blah blah blah. you're wasting valuable Jack time!

Jack: Actually that's it.
Audience: What the fu..

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