[nilesfunnies] Onion coverage of New Orleans disaster

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/40305/1

Louisiana National Guard Offers Help By Phone From Iraq

BAGHDAD—The 4,000 Louisiana National Guardsmen stationed in Iraq,
representing over a third of the state's troops, called home this week
to find out what, if any, help they could offer Katrina survivors from
overseas. "The soldiers wanted to know if they could call 911 for
anyone, or perhaps send some water via FedEx," said Louisiana National
Guard spokesman Lt. Col. Pete Schneider. The Guardsmen also "would love
to send generators, rations, and Black Hawk helicopters for rescue
missions," but, said Schneider, "we desperately need these in Iraq to
stay alive." Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld praised the phone
support, but noted that it would take months to transfer any equipment
from Iraq to New Orleans, saying, "You fight a national disaster with
the equipment you have."

Government Relief Workers Mosey In To Help

FEMA representatives call out to survivors, "Show us your tits for
emergency rations!"

NEW ORLEANS—Federal Emergency Management Agency director Michael Brown,
leading a detachment of 7,500 relief workers, moseyed on down to New
Orleans Monday afternoon. "Well, I do declare, it's my job to see if any
of these poor folks need any old thing," Brown said from his command
rocker on the command post porch, adding, "Mighty hot day, ain't it?"
Follow-up teams of emergency relief workers are expected to begin
ambling into the Gulf Coast region as early as this weekend. "They
should be getting the trucks good and warmed up anytime now, and they'll
be cruising into town just as soon as all the reservists stroll in,"
said Brown, who is currently at his desk awaiting offers of food, water,
and evacuation buses to roll in from "somewhere or other."

Refugees Moved From Sewage-Contaminated Superdome To Hellhole Of Houston

HOUSTON—Evacuees from the overheated, filth-encrusted wreckage of the
New Orleans Superdome were bussed to the humid, 110-degree August heat
and polluted air of Houston last week, in a move that many are
resisting. "Please, God, not Houston. Anyplace but Houston," said one
woman, taking shelter under an overpass. "The food there is awful, and
the weather is miserable. And the traffic—it's like some engineer was
making a sick joke." Authorities apologized for transporting survivors
to a city "barely better in any respect," but said the blistering-hot,
oil-soaked Texas city was in fact slightly better, and that casualties
due to gunfire would be no worse.

White Foragers Report Threat Of Black Looters

NEW ORLEANS—Throughout the Gulf Coast, Caucasian suburbanites attempting
to gather food and drink in the shattered wreckage of shopping districts
have reported seeing African­Americans "looting snacks and beer from
damaged businesses." "I was in the abandoned Wal-Mart gathering an air
mattress so I could float out the potato chips, beef jerky, and
Budweiser I'd managed to find," said white survivor Lars Wrightson, who
had carefully selected foodstuffs whose salt and alcohol content provide
protection against contamination. "Then I look up, and I see a whole
family of [African-Americans] going straight for the booze. Hell, you
could see they had already looted a fortune in diapers." Radio stations
still in operation are advising store owners and white people in the
affected areas to locate firearms in sporting-goods stores in order to
protect themselves against marauding blacks looting gun shops.

Another Saints Season Ruined Before It Begins

NEW ORLEANS—Front-office executives of the New Orleans Saints football
team provided a much-needed dose of normalcy Monday when they announced
that, for the 23rd year running, the Saints season had been ruined
before it began. "I'd say this is even worse than when Mike Ditka traded
away all our draft picks to get Ricky Williams," said Saints vice
president of pro-personnel operations Bill Kuharich. "But there's one
thing we Saints can always rely on: our chances for a winning season
being shitcanned before we play a single down. We're proud to have
carried on with this tradition despite everything." The National
Football League has declined the Saints' "mercy rule" request to be
allowed to forfeit all their home games, saying the team must set an
example for its home city by being blown out in every contest.

Shrimp Joint Now Shrimp Habitat

NEW ORLEANS—Big Etienne's, a popular stop for New Orleans-style
jambalaya, shrimp po' boys, and gumbo, has become a near-perfect habitat
for Penaeus setiferus, the ubiquitous white shrimp used in jambalaya,
shrimp po' boys, and gumbo. "It's far too early to call this a bright
side, but the restaurant's location on the Delta, combined with its
rickety, shabby-chic fisherman's décor, have combined to create a
serviceable ecosystem for this particular species of marine life," said
Juanita Colon of the Federal Department of Fisheries. Colon said if
floodwaters recede significantly, many New Orleans parking lots would be
suitable locations for the cultivation of dirty rice.

Bush Urges Victims To Gnaw On Bootstraps For Sustenance

WASHINGTON, DC—In an emergency White House address Sunday, President
Bush urged all people dying from several days without food and water in
New Orleans to "tap into the American entrepreneurial spirit" and gnaw
on their own bootstraps for sustenance. "Government handouts are not the
answer," Bush said. "I believe in smaller government, which is why I
have drastically cut welfare and levee upkeep. I encourage you poor
folks to fill yourself up on your own bootstraps. Buckle down, and tear
at them like a starving animal." Responding to reports that many Katrina
survivors have lost everything in the disaster, Bush said, "Only when
you work hard and chew desperately on your own footwear can you live the
American dream."