nilesfunnies

Thursday, October 13, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Regional Variations


Regional Variations

SCOTTISH MODERN MATHEMATICS PAPER 2005

GLASGOW REGION

Name...........................................

Nickname.......................................

Gangname.......................................

1. Shuggie has bought half a kilo of cocaine for Large. He wants to
make 300% on the deal and still pay Mad Malky his 10% protection money.
How much must he charge for a gram?

2. Wee Davie reckons he'll get £42.50 extra Marriage Allowance a week if
he ties the knot with Chantel. Even if he steals the ring, the wedding
will cost him £587 and he'll have to start buying two fish suppers at
£3.95 each every night instead of one. How long will it be before Davie
wishes he'd stayed single?

3. When Rangers play Celtic, their fans sing The Sash every 10 minutes
when they're winning and every 15 minutes when they're losing. How many
times did they sing it at last season's Cup Final?

4. Joey and Davie stole a 1999 green Toyota 1600GL with 35,000 on the
clock - and got a grand for it. How much more would they have got if
ithad been metallic silver, done 29,000 miles and had low profile tyres?

5. Jake the Flake and Suicide Dave got grassed up for dealing speed. The
Flake got 18 months but Dave got 3 years. How many more previous
convictions did Dave have?

EXTRACREDIT: Who was the Flakes' Brief?

EDINBURGH/BORDERS REGION

Name..........................................

RugbyClub.....................................

Daddy's Company...............................

1. Gavin has a spare ticket for Julian Clary at The Festival Fringe. But
Benji and Adrian BOTH want to go with him. How long does he cry before
giving them the tickets?

2. Half of Peter's friends say that they went to school with Ewan
McGregor. Another third say they were Gordon Brown's flat mate at
University. A sixth say that their dad played rugby with Tony Blair's
dad and the rest say Sean Connery was their milkman. Only one is telling
the truth, so how many friends does Peter have?

3. Todd wants to be a lawyer, but is as thick as Edinburgh Castle. His
daddy is a Freemason and a QC. How long before Todd becomes the Lord
Advocate?

4. Tamsin's Personal Trainer charges £250 a week, but has sex with her
when ever she wants it. Jasmin's Life Coach charges £50 a week but has
refused all sexual advances. Which one of the women weighs 19 stone?

5. Princes Street is 2467 yards long. On average, there is someone
begging for money every 195 yards. You walk at 3.1 miles an hour. How
long will it take if you tell them all to sodoff and work for a living?

HIGHLANDS REGION

Name....................................

Glen....................................

Clan....................................

1. After Hector's death, Archie has to pay Death Duty on Glenbogle. With
25,000 acres, Archie must pay £1.76 for the first 15,000 acres and 90p
per acre for the remainder, including VAT. How many people actually give
a toss?

2. An Afro-American called Zachary Obisanjo Kokobobo asks a Tartan Shop
in Inverness if he has any Scottish Geneaology. How long does it take to
flog him full Highland dress and matching kilts for his wife and 10
kids?

3. If an Aberdeen supporter laid every sheep in Grampian Region end to
end, how many people would be surprised?

4. If you caught a Loch Ness Monster 115 feet long and each foot weighed
27lbs, how much money would you make by selling your exclusive story and
pictures?

Sorry, question 5 has been delayed by heavy snowfall and will be here as
soon as the Cockbridge - Tomintoul road re-opens in the spring