[nilesfunnies] Fw: Leftovers

"I was coming to work this morning, and they're
playing Christmas music on the radio, and they were playing
that song, "He knows when you've been sleeping,
he knows when you're awake, he knows when you've
been bad or good ..." So apparently Santa works for
the National Security Agency." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is trying to put the best spin he can
on this eavesdropping scandal, like he said today: "This
proves we have a government that listens to the people."
--Jay Leno

"Bulgaria announced they're pulling all their
troops from Iraq, both of them. No, they said they'll
replace their troops with a non-combat force. That would
be the French army." --Jay Leno

"USC Heisman Trophy winner Reggie Bush announced
he is available for the NFL draft. Actually, this also marks
the first time in history the words 'Bush' and
'available for the draft' have ever appeared
together in the same sentence." --Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney made a surprise visit to Iraq over the
weekend. He met with the Iraqi prime minister who showed
him his purple finger from the election. Then Cheney showed
the Iraqi minister his purple fingers from bad circulation."
--Jay Leno

"That's the big story, you know. President Bush
and this whole domestic spying thing. Remember the good
old days when the only thing you had to worry about on your
phone were telemarketers." --Jay Leno

"Some groups are now picketing Wal-Mart because
their employees can't say 'Merry Christmas.'
It's not store policy or anything, they just don't
speak English." --Jay Leno
"Time has named former Presidents Bush and Clinton
the partners of the year. These two are now so close they’re
thinking about making a cowboy movie." --David Letterman

"King Kong is so popular right now that there's
talk he may run for governor of California." --David
Letterman

"More Iraqis think things are going well in Iraq than
Americans do. I guess they don't get the New York Times
over there." --Jay Leno

"It's true, everybody is in the holiday spirit.
Last night, Bill Clinton saw the 'Nutcracker.'
Not the ballet, Hillary." --David Letterman

"Heating bills this winter are the highest they've
been in five years, but President Bush has a plan to combat
rising bills. It's called global warming."
--Jay Leno

"Iraqi officials have imposed a nighttime curfew
for the elections and I think that's a great idea, because
if there's one thing the insurgents won't monkey
with, it's a curfew." --David Letterman

"The Energy Department's Argon National Lab
has determined that Beethoven died from lead poisoning.
Now when did he die, 1827? And you thought you had to wait
a long time for your lab results. Apparently, Beethoven
was one of the first members of an HMO plan." --Jay
Leno

Christmas Time in Washington

The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity scene
in Washington, D.C. this Christmas. This isn't for
any religious or constitutional reason, they simply have
not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation's
capitol. There was no problem however finding enough asses
to fill the stable.

The small girl had recently received a new watch and some
perfume, which she was very excited about. Their family
asked the pastor over for dinner. The girl wanted so badly
to tell the pastor about her new gifts, but her mother insisted
she wait until after dinner and not interrupt at meal time.

Not able to contain her excitement, and not wanting to disobey,
the little girl leaned over to the pastor during dinner
and whispered, "If you hear a little noise and smell
something, it's me!"

A new study says that it actually takes men longer to shop
on the internet then it does for them to shop in an actual store.
Well of course! There's no naked women at the stores."

The day after Thanksgiving. The busiest shopping day of
the year. I went to the mall and I was pushed, I was shoved,
I was groped, I was fondled - hell, I'm going back tomorrow."

What kind of bread do elves make sandwiches with?
Why, shortbread of course!

What kind of money do elves use?
Jingle bills!

Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?
Because he had low "elf" esteem!

One elf said to another elf, "We had Grandma for Christmas
dinner". And the other elf said, "Really? We had turkey!"

How do elves greet each other?
"Small world, isn't it?"

Santa rides in a sleigh. What do elves ride in?
Mini vans!

What's another name for Santa's helpers?
Subordinate clauses!

Tim

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