[nilesfunnies] Confidential Prison Service Memo - Abu Hamza

To: Charles Clarke, Home Secretary

From: Steve Hodgson, Head of Human Resources, Prison Service

Date: 7th Feb 2006

Subject: Enabling New Customers

Dear Charles,

Please accept my belated thanks for the Christmas card and small bottle
of vintage malt whisky. I wasn't aware that Asda possessed their own
distillery. How very knowledgable of you, it I may say so, Home
Secretary.

As a Key Grade One Stakeholder in the ongoing Enabling Customers
Working Group, I hope you won't object to my opportunism in sending
this memorandum. I understand from recent press reports that the
radical Muslim cleric Abu Hamza has just received a sentence of seven
years. May I personally congratulate you on this success. Thanks to
you, we can all sleep more safely in our beds at night. Well, at least
we can when we're not on duty.

As you may be aware, there will be fierce competition amongst the
prison governors to secure Mr Hamza's custom. Had you given any thought
to which prison he might chose? Whilst I would be the first to applaud
your wise policy of 'Customer Choice', I think you should consider
limiting Mr Hamza's options to the larger establishments. In
particular, I would strongly advocate selecting a prison which has a
thriving entertainments initiative.

The governors of Belmarsh and Wormwood Scrubs have already been in
contact asking for permission to amend their theatrical programmes to
provide for a seasonal Christmas pantomime. Coincidentally, both have
alighted upon PETER PAN.

Far be it from me to seek to influence you on this matter, but I
thought you might like to reflect upon the prifitable photo
opportunities that could arise from such a venture were Mr Hamza to be
involved. Christmas is the perfect time to put aside cultural and
social enmity and heralde our commonly shared values (even if Muslims
don't actually celebrate Christmas). By engaging Mr Hamza in an
empathy-inducing social activity we could demonstrate to the world at
large that not only had we broken the cleric's extreme resolve, but
that we are a tolerant and forgiving society.

His hook would also come in very useful.

Yours sincerely,

Steve Hodgson