[nilesfunnies] Fwd: Letters to the editor but never published

Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes
this summer, which rightly earned Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff BBC Sports
personality of the Year. Winning a two-team tournament against a
nation with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then
never shutting up about it makes me proud to be British. Ben Hunt

The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of
heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are
living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I
wish they'd make their minds up. John

'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial
says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30. Colum Hill

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a
mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail loose
around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I
would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the
extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery. L Palmer, London

The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD
pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make
from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they
stop breaking the law, so will I. P Boddington, Ringway

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's
m!nge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh? P, Leeds

It really annoys me to see these suicide bombers blowing up people as
well as themselves. In my day, suicide was done in a more dignified
way, such as slicing your wrists in the bath, or hanging yourself from
a door with a belt. Paul Mulraney, Belfast

On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to
reach the final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to
be a correct answer. The question asked 'What 'C' would you associate
Jeremy Clarkson with?' to which I confidently replied '<unt'. Not only
was I told the answer was incorrect, but I was asked by the holiday
rep to leave the premises immediately. Has anyone else experienced
such appalling treatment whilst holidaying with one's family? Noel,
Leeds

My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing
board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless
remark to make than this? Alun Daniel

I'LL never understand my neighbour. He has recently started
wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently
parked it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or
both. Alan Thakray

Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of
Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?

On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in
Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've
obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road.
Alan J., London

Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's
Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits
climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should
get some faster cars. T Barnham, London

Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris
patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim cleric
Abu Hamsa. Les Barnsley

How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million
selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's
football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law
for the rich and another for the poor. Reg Ashcroft, Bradford

The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in
Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it
just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't
told the poor sods? John Campbell, e-mail

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What
about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on
about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.
Mike Woods, e-mail

With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces
soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include
a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the tw*t quickly
enough the last time he played hide and seek with them. Shuggie, Email

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with
the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters.
I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their
splendid sense of humour. Chris Scaife, Jesmond

I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David
Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much,
but isn't this taking gloating just a little too far? Dave Owen,
Edinburgh

I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death.
But I was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the
famous Countdown "da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he
took his final breaths. Tripod

I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad
is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in
customs. Stan

What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being
the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that. Thomas J

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