[nilesfunnies] Fw: God: I've lost faith in Blair

God: I've lost faith in Blair

All the signs are that the Almighty is unhappy about efforts to implicate
Him in the attack on Iraq

Terry Jones
Wednesday March 8, 2006
The Guardian

A high-level leak has revealed that God is "furious" at Tony Blair's
attempts to implicate him in the bombing of Iraq. Sources close to the
archangel Gabriel report him as describing the Almighty as "hopping mad
... with sanctimonious yet unscrupulous politicians claiming He would
condone their bestial activities when He has no way of going public
Himself, owing to the MMW agreement" (a reference to the long-established
Moving in Mysterious Ways concordat).

Mr Blair went public about God on Michael Parkinson's TV show. "If you
have faith about these things," he said, "then you realise that judgment
is made by other people. If you believe in God, it's made by God as well."
As is customary with Mr Blair's statements, it's rather hard to tease out
what he is actually saying; but the gist is clearly that if God didn't
actually tell him to bomb Iraq, then the Almighty would certainly agree it
was the right thing to do.
"If Tony Blair thinks his friendship with George W Bush is worth rubbing
out a couple of hundred thousand Iraqi men, women and children, then
that's something he can talk over with me later," said God. "But when he
starts publicly claiming that's the way I do the arithmetic too, it's time
I put my foot down!" It is well known that God has a very big foot.

A source says Gabriel has spent days trying to dissuade the Almighty from
loosing a plague of toads upon the Blair family. Gabriel reminded God that
Cherie and the children had nothing to do with Tony's decisions. God's
response, it is reliably reported, was: "Blair says the Iraqis are lucky
to have got bombed, so how can he complain if his family gets a few toads
in the bath?"

The archangel is said to be ticked off with God's ability to provide glib
answers without even thinking.

What has particularly incensed the Almighty is that Mr Blair made the
claim on the Parkinson show. "If he'd done it on Richard and Judy I could
have forgiven a lot," He is reported to have said.

The archangel reported that the Almighty has become increasingly irritated
with the vogue for politicians to claim that He is behind their policies -
especially if these involve killing large numbers of humans. According to
Gabriel, God spake these words: "That George W Bush once had the nerve to
say: 'God told me to go end the tyranny in Iraq, and I did.' Well, let me
tell you I did no such thing! If I'd wanted to get rid of Saddam Hussein,
I could have given him pneumonia. I didn't need the president of the
United States to send in hundreds of heavy bombers and thousands of
missiles to destroy Iraq - even though I appreciate that Halliburton
needed to fill its order books."

"How do Bush and Blair think it makes me look to all those parents who
have lost sons and daughters in this grubby business? Don't they know that
the Muslims they're taking out worship the same Me that they do? It's a
public relations disaster that ought to set Christianity back hundreds of
years. Though knowing the fundamentalists, it'll probably have the reverse
effect."

The archangel further revealed that he had been advised by no less a
person than Alastair Campbell to warn God to keep out of politics. "But
it's hard to get God to do anything He doesn't want to," sighed the
archangel. "It's all to do with what He calls 'free will', though a lot of
us have a problem working that one out, since He's omnipotent and
omniscient."

God, the archangel says, is also disturbed by Mr Blair's remark that while
religious beliefs might colour his politics, "it's best not to take it too
far".

"How would he like it if I went round claiming that he gave me his full
backing when I sent the tsunami last year?"

· Terry Jones is a film director, actor and Python

http://www.guardian.co.uk/comment/story/0,,1725799,00.html

Martin

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