[nilesfunnies] Fw: Lawyer jokes - as they seem to missing 'recently'

Lawyer jokes - as they seem to missing 'recently'
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off you when you die.

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same
service.

What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
Stick his bill up his rear.

What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they
cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Lawyer's creed:
A man is innocent until proven broke.

What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
Lipstick.

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
Skeet.

What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
Chelsea.

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle.

It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?)
... it was so cold, I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
"£50.00 for three questions," replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a lawyer. You
have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

This is the best "lawyer" joke I've seen. It comes from the [closed]
actuaries forum on Compuserve:

===========================================
A group of lawyers and a group of actuaries were travelling by train to
conferences in the same city. The lawyers were surprised to see that the
actuaries had bought only one train ticket for their entire group. When
the conductor entered the front of the car, all of the actuaries got up
and went into the same bathroom. As the conductor went down the aisle,
the lawyers dutifully handed him their tickets. When he came to the
bathroom, he said, "Ticket, please." One ticket slid out, he punched it,
and went on his way.
On the return trip home, the lawyers thought they'd try the same
trick, but were again perplexed when they noticed NONE of the actuaries
had tickets. As the conductor entered the front of the car, all of the
lawyers got up and went into the same bathroom. On his way to the
bathroom, an actuary walked over, knocked on the door, and said, "Ticket,
please."