[nilesfunnies] Fw: British Army Answerphone

"Thank you for calling the British Army. I'm sorry, but all our units
are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a message
with your country, name of organisation, the region, the specific crisis
and a number at which we can call you. As soon as we have sorted out
Kosovo, Bosnia, Macedonia, Serbia, Iraq, Afghanistan, Northern Ireland,
Sierra Leone, The Congo, marching up and down bits of tarmac in London
and compulsory health and safety at work training, we will return your
call.

"Please speak after the tone or, if you require more options, listen to
the following numbers:

"If your crisis is small and close to the sea, press 1 for the Royal
Marines.

"If your concern is distant, with a tropical climate, good hotels and
can be solved by one or two low-risk bombing runs, please press 2 for
the Royal Air Force. (Please note that this service is not available
after 1630 or at weekends.)

"If your enquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a
warship, some bunting, flags, a damn good cocktail party and a first
class marching band, please write, well in advance, to the First Sea
Lord, The Royal Navy, Whitehall, London SW1."