[nilesfunnies] Accurate astrology

I know many of you don't believe in astrology,
but that's because you read astrology written by charlatans. When written
by a master, astrology speaks with the voice of truth. :)

This was published about 20 years ago by The Paper House Ltd.

(Apologies to anyone who doesn't find this funny)

Capricorn
22 December - 19 January.
You are an upholder of tradition and authority. This is because you lack
imagination and creativity. You cannot take honest criticism. Not even
from your mother. Most prison warders are Capricorns.

Aquarius
20 January - 18 February.
You are an amiable person who likes to be popular. You need to be around
others because you cannot stand yourself. When alone, you do weird things
to your body. Sex change operations are common among Aquarians.

Pisces
19 February - 20 March.
You are a kind and gentle person. Your sensitive nature has given you the
reputation of being a pansy and a creep. Your lack of ambition is directly
related to your lack of talent. Pisces make good ushers.

Aries
21 March - 19 April.
You have great energy and are always enthusiastic. Your vivaciousness is
nauseating to others. You concentrate on future success to avoid
confronting your past and present failures. You have strong relationships
with people much younger than yourself.

Taurus
20 April - 20 May.
You are steadfast, even stubborn in your ways. People who know you well
describe you as a pighead. You enjoy music but the only thing you can play
is a radio. You are a communist.

Gemini
21 May - 20 June.
You are exuberant and enjoy expressing yourself. Your friends think of you
as a busy-body and a bore. You brag about your versatility but deep down
you know you can do nothing well. Most Geminis are unemployed.

Cancer
21 June - 22 July.
You are a very patient person. You can fall asleep waiting for things to
happen. You have a keen memory and often recite boring, obscure things to
your few friends. Cancers are easily influenced and many have actually
drowned when told to go jump in the lake.

Leo
23 July - 22 August.
You are a very proud and trusting person. Others are constantly taking
advantage of you. You do not realize what is happening to you because
basically you are very stupid. You are the laughing stock of any group.

Virgo
23 August - 22 September.
You are very methodical and like things in order. On the other hand, your
personal appearance is usually a mess. You think of yourself as
discriminating, while others think of you as cheap and selfish. You are
amoral.

Libra
23 September - 22 October.
You are very affectionate and sympathetic towards others. You enjoy
sobbing. You talk a great deal about justice, but no one trusts you. Most
Librans are alcoholics and dope fiends. People look at you with pity.

Scorpio
23 October - 21 November.
You are a very domineering and opinionated person. You do not care who you
step on to get to the top. You laugh during funerals. Most Scorpios are
shot in the back.

Sagittarius
22 November - 21 December.
You have a vivid imagination and are always trying new things. Your
friends think you are a pervert. Honesty is so important to you that you
even admit to doing incredibly dumb things. Nudists are almost always
Sagittarians.

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