Monday, November 29, 2004

[nilesfunnies] How about this

Ronald Trahan Associates, PR firm working for Roche Pharmaceutical issued the following statement:

"With world AIDS day fast approaching, I wanted to get in touch with some story ideas surrounding this event. This year's event is even more exciting given that we are celebrating 20 years of AIDS..."

[nilesfunnies] In the foreign legion ...

A very respected Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a remote desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old seedy looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men's barracks.

He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "Why is a camel tied to the barracks?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do ... uh ... we have the camel."

The Captain said, "Well, I suppose if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been stationed at the fort for six long, lonely months, the Captain simply couldn't control his sexual angst any longer. He barked to his Sergeant: "BRING THE CAMEL INTO MY TENT!"

The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the other men, and lead the camel into the Captain's quarters. Within a few minutes, the Captain emerged from his tent, fastening his trousers, almost beaming with pride.

"So, Sergeant, is that how the enlisted men do it?" he asked.

The Sergeant replied, "Well, no! sir, usually they just use it to ride into town."

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Rules of Cricket

You have two sides, one out on the field and the other in.

Each man in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in, and the next man goes out till he's out.

When the side that's in is all out, the side that been out comes in and the side that been in goes out and tries to get out the side that's coming in.

Sometimes you get men still in and not out when the side that is in is finally out. When both sides have been in and out, including those who are in and not out, that's the end of the game.

Sunday, November 28, 2004

[nilesfunnies] It's the last time I spend the night with a Liberal Democrat!

"It's the last time I spend the night with a Liberal Democrat!"

Commons sleep-overs fall out
By Nick Assinder
Political Correspondent, BBC News website

The thought of MPs queuing up all night in their sleeping bags just to
take part in big Commons occasions is enough to warm the heart of any
cynic who believes parliamentary democracy is dead.

The sight of Ealing North's Stephen Pound tucked up in his pyjamas with a
couple of thrillers outside the table office is particularly appealing.

It is a tradition that each year some brave and committed backbenchers do
just that in order to get into the Commons chamber - which is not big
enough to hold all of them - for the budget and the Queen's speech.

It is also done by those wishing to put down the first motions on the new
session's order paper.

These motions never get voted on but are a high-profile and very effective
way of drawing attention to issues of concern.

It is the Commons equivalent to the first day of the Harrods sale and just
as good tempered and comradely - usually.

But I fear relations between two of this year's sleep-overs may have been
strained to breaking point.

According to Mr Pound, he had done a deal with Colchester's Lib Dem MP Bob
Russell to allow them both to get their very good causes top of the order

Both would queue over night but Mr Russell would put down the first motion
on behalf of Cystic Fibrosis while Mr Pound - who had earlier that night
been the MC at the charity-supporting Annie's bar pool contest - would get
second slot for his motion supporting Bob Geldof's Make Poverty History

A seething Mr Pound, however, claims the Lib Dem reneged on the deal.

"I was there for 11 hours but when the office opened he sneaked in like a
furtive ferret and put down eight motions," said Mr Pound.

"It was sharp practice and I hope his is profoundly ashamed of himself by
putting his own ego above the causes.

"I went equipped with a sleeping bag, a hip flask and four books but I got
no sleep and could not settle down to read Harold Wilson's History of the
Labour government 1974 to 1979 because Russell was snoring so loudly the
windows were rattling.

"It's the last time I spend the night with a Liberal Democrat," he said.

Mr Russell, who insists he was in the queue four hours ahead of his
sleeping bag rival, dismissed suggestions any deal had been struck between
the two.

"If, as I suspect, he is skilfully trying to build up publicity for his
charity, which I support, that is laudable.

"However, if he's genuine in his outrage he should get a life."

The idea of an MP attempting to manipulate the media in such a fashion is,
of course, unthinkable!

[nilesfunnies] Rambling rose

A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to
a show. The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he
says "I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of
a beautiful rambling rose. May I call on you tomorrow" She agrees and a
date is made. The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it
she slaps him hard across the face. He is stunned. "What was that for?" he
asked. She said "I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopaedia last night
and it said 'Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for rooting up
against a garden wall'"