nilesfunnies

Thursday, April 28, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: There's a nice Victoria Wood line that goes something like:

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There's a nice Victoria Wood line that goes something like:

Shaz: "Where are you in your menstrual cycle?"
Trace: "Saggitarius"

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: The Correct Way to Come Home Drunk...


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The Correct Way to Come Home Drunk...
Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one
turns to the other and says,
"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home
after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off
before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast
into the garage. Take my shoes off before I go into
the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the
bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to
prevent splashing sounds.
I ease into bed and my wife STILL Wakes Up, and Yells at me
for staying out so late!
"His buddy looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously
taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam
the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water,
then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the
closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her
on the ass and say!, WHO'S HORNY????!!!" and she acts like
she's sound asleep. It Works Every Time!!!

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Yet another list on coping with life


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1) I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow
isn't looking good either.

2) Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.

3) Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

4) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

5) Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.

6) Does vacuuming count as aerobic exercise?

7) Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places.

8) Time is Nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't go wrong at
once.

9) The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're
still a rat.

10) I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the
guts to bite people themselves.

11) If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

12) There's no speed limit on the information superhighway.

13) It is much easier to apologise than to ask permission.

14) There are two rules for ultimate success in life. Never tell
everything you know and never tell everything you know.

15) Do unto others ..., then run!

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Senior Moment 4


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Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they
had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
"Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long
time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought,
but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and
glared at her. Finally she said "How soon do you need to know?"

[nilesfunnies] Fw: A sickie....


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A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that
She is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak
voice.

"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I can't see my ass coming into work today."

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Blonde in a Casino...


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Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap
table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty
thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much
luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the
dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and
squealed..

"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her
winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers
stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What
did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were
watching."

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Senior Moments 1


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Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel
noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, did you
know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, "A suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then
she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my
hearing aid is."

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Paper bag......


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Paper bag......

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the
doctors.

"Doctor, I don't feel too good," said the little paper bag.

"Hmm, you look OK to me," said the Doctor, "but I'll do a
blood test and
see what that shows, come back and see me in a couple of days."

The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.

"What's wrong with me?" asked the little paper bag.

"I'm afraid you are HIV positive!" said the doctor.

"No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!" said the little
paper bag.

"Have you been having unprotected sex?" asked the doctor.

"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Well have you been sharing needles with other intravenous drug
users?" asked the doctor.

"NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a jab or a blood
transfusion?" queried the doctor.

"NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!"

"Well", said the doctor, "are you in a homosexual
relationship?"

"NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper
bag!"

"Then there can be only one explanation." said the doctor

"Your mother must have been a carrier"

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Senior Moment 2


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Senior Moment 2
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At
the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when
they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint
moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!

She lives for ten more years, and then dies.

Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are
again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door,
the husband cries out: "Watch that wall!"

Monday, April 25, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Two men dressed in pilot's uniforms....


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Two men dressed in pilot's uniforms....
Don't think this one's been here before

Two men dressed in pilot's uniforms walk up the aisle of the airplane.
Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is
tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin but the men enter the cockpit,
the door closes and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign
that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting
in the window seats realise they're headed straight for the water at the
edge of the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water,
panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers
relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their
magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You
know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all
gonna die."

Thursday, April 21, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Diplomacy - Prescott style


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Diplomacy - Prescott style

Mark Choueke (South Wales Argus): How did you react to Peter Law's
decision to quit the party after 35 years service to Blaenau Gwent as a
Labour politician?

John Prescott : It didn't even register with us. The voters just have one
choice, vote Labour otherwise they'll end up with a Tory government. It's
unfortunate that some of our decisions upset some people.

MC : But this isn't about upsetting Peter Law, it's about upsetting many
thousands of Labour voters in Blaenau Gwent who helped you form a strong
government - they feel alienated.

JP : Why are you asking me about this, I don't care, it's a Welsh
situation, I'm a national politician.

MC : Are you too big to care about the Labour voters in Blaenau Gwent? Do
you think there may be something in your party's methods of working that
require a rethink when a politician chooses to stand against you after 35
years service to Labour?

JP : (walking away) Where do they get these amateurs from? You're an
amateur mate, go get on your bus, go home.

MC : Are you too big for the regional press now John?

JP : Bugger off. Get on your bus you amateur.

MC : Is my interview over John? Because if that's all you've got to say,
that's what will go in the paper.

JP : (turns aggressively back to reporter) Ooohh, I'm scared, go ahead,
put it in your paper.

Labour candidate for Monmouth, Huw Edwards: I could answer this question
for you Mark.

MC : I hoped to hear what the deputy prime minister had to say about it.

JP : (ignoring reporter) I've never seen a school in such a lovely
setting.

(gruaniad)

--
Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | A picture was worth a thousand words...
| ... but that was before they devalued the word
www.niles.org.uk | Tom Lehrer

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

[nilesfunnies] A Mars A Day...


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The year is 2222 and after accumulating enough frequent flyer miles Doug
and Bob land on Mars.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Doug
asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they
make money, etc.

Finally, Bob brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?"
asks Bob. "Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian. Discussion
ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and
experience one another. Bob and Martian #1 go off to a bedroom where the
Martian strips.

He's got only a teeny, weenie member - about half an inch long and just a
quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Bob. "Why?"
he asks, "What's the matter?" "Well," he replies, "It! 'It's just not long
enough to reach me!" "No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his
forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows
until it's quite impressively long.

"Well," Bob says, "That's quite impressive, but it looks like a long
pencil, it's still pretty narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts
pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until
the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the Bob.

"Wow!" he exclaims, as they fall into bed and make mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate
ways. As they walk along, Doug asks, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to
say it," says Bob, "but it was damn good. How about you?"

"It was horrible," Doug replies. "All I got was a headache. He kept
slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

--

ScotsGay Magazine | PO Box 666, Edinburgh, Scotland. EH7 5YW
Puts the GAY back into | Telephone: +44 (0) 131-539 0666
SCOTLAND | TeleFax: +44 (0) 131-539 2999
| WorldWideWeb: http://www.scotsgay.co.uk/
For a copy of the magazine by post (UK only) phone 0906 11 00 256
(calls should cost no more than 2GBP)

--
Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | A picture was worth a thousand words...
| ... but that was before they devalued the word
www.niles.org.uk | Tom Lehrer

[nilesfunnies] Fw: At the surgery ....


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At the surgery ....

A woman goes to her doctor with a bit of lettuce sticking out the top of
her knickers.

Doctor says "Ooooh, that looks nasty"

The woman says "That's just the tip of the iceberg"

[nilesfunnies] Fw: challenging objectives


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challenging objectives
The Prince was driving around his Mother's estate one day when he
accidentally ran over one of her favourite corgis. The poor unfortunate
dog was crushed to a pulp! The Prince got out of his car sat down on
the grass and started crying.

The whole world was already against him and now his mother would be mad
at him as well. Suddenly he noticed a lamp half buried by his foot. He
dug up the lamp and polished it. Low and behold, all of a sudden, a
genie appeared.

"You've freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment", said the
genie. "For freeing me I grant you one wish".

"Well", said the Prince. "I have all the money and material things that
I need, but let me show you this unfortunate dog".

They walked over to the splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think
you can bring this dog back to life", asked the Prince.

The Genie looked carefully at the remains and gently shook his head.

"This body is far too gone for even me to bring back to life, isn't
there anything else you would like"?

The Prince thought for a moment and then reached into his pockets and
took out two photographs. "I used to be married to this beautiful woman
called Diana", said the Prince showing the genie the first photograph.
"But now I love this woman called Camilla". He showed the genie the
second photograph. "You see Camilla isn't all that beautiful, so do
you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana"?

The genie studied the two photographs and after a few moments said:
"let's have another look at that dog".

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Audi Alteram Parten


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During a Law course class, the 'Audi Alteram Parten' rule was explained.
Translated it means "To hear the other party".

After discussing the subject at great length, the lecturer asked if there
was anyone who didn't understand the rule.

"Yes," exclaimed a voice from the back, "my wife!"

[nilesfunnies] Fw: A man walks down the street...


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A man walks down the street...

On his way, he meets a friend, who happens to have only one arm.

"So, what are you up to?"

"I'm going to change a lightbulb."

"Won't that be difficult, with just the one arm?"

"Shouldn't think so, I've got the receipt."

Monday, April 18, 2005

[nilesfunnies] hotel fire


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Hotel manager: Sir, I am afraid I am going to have to ask you to leave this
hotel at once. You came in drunk last night and set the bed on fire with a
cigarette.

Customer: You are quite wrong! Not only was I stone cold sober, but the bed
was already on fire when I got into it!

--
Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | A picture was worth a thousand words...
| ... but that was before they devalued the word
www.niles.org.uk | Tom Lehrer

Sunday, April 17, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: New Rover car announced


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I understand that, even with the company folding, a new model is to be
produced for a short time to allow a small amount of revenue to be
generated from the remaining stocks of parts and part-completed vehicles.
Drawing a distinction between it and the current ranges, Rover have
decided to hark back to an earlier era and have resurrected the model name
of one of their most successful products - the P6.

They have of course had to the model identifier to account for the 40
years or so that have passed since the P6 was introduced, and to give it a
tenable link with the plight of their (ex)employees. The new car will
therefore be known as the P45.

Saturday, April 16, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Oops


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hey baby, whats up?
umm....nothing?
So....want me to like come over today so we can fuck?
Wait....did you want to speak to my daughter?
Yes Mrs.Miller.. :-/

--
Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | A picture was worth a thousand words...
| ... but that was before they devalued the word
www.niles.org.uk | Tom Lehrer

[nilesfunnies] Harry Potter's wang


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Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word
"wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book
Let's see the results...

"Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
"Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled,
ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an'
everything

A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking
forward to.

"Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It
wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she
was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long,
swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."
"Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven
inches. "

Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He
raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty
air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework,
throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls

"Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang,
tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"

The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will
notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had
still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the
troll's nostrils.

He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was
covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.

He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of
slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the
dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.

Ok
I have found, definitive proof
that J.K Rowling is a dirty DIRTY woman, making a fool of us all
"Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into
the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying,
but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his
mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and
he didn't want to... or did he?
O_______O
Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end
of his wang

Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery
substance with its tip.

'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they
struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left
hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.

--
Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | A picture was worth a thousand words...
| ... but that was before they devalued the word
www.niles.org.uk | Tom Lehrer

Friday, April 15, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Trendy Bar Installs Robot Barman


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A fellow came in for a drink and the robot asked him,
'What's your IQ?'

The man replied, '150.'

So the robot proceeded to make conversation about
Quantum physics, string theory, atomic chemistry, and so on.

The man listened intently and thought, 'This is really cool.'

The man decided to test the robot. He walked out the bar, turned
around, and came back in for another drink.

Again, the robot asked him, 'What's your IQ?'

The man responded, '100.' So the robot started talking about
football, day trading, and so on.

The man thought to himself, 'Wow, this is amazing.'

The man went out and came back in a third time.

As before, the robot asked him,'What's your IQ?'

The man replied, '50.'

The robot then said, 'So, you gonna vote for Tony Blair again?'

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Tee, hee!


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Reminds me of the tale of the Essex girl whose car has
crashed into a lamp-post.

A helpful passer-by calls the ambulance, and goes over to
talk to the poor girl trapped behind the steering wheel.

"Where are you bleeding from?" He asks.

"I'm from bleeding Romford, ain't I?"

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Caught Short


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An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore
the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and
occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat
with the lads, and have a pint of bitter.

After a while, he finds himself in a very high-class area...big, stately
residences... no pubs, no shops, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO
PUBLIC TOILETS. He really, really has to go, after all those pints of
bitter.

He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent
buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is
unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, "I
say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really
HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."

"Ah, yes," said the Bobby, "Just follow me".

He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate,
which he opens.

"In there," points the Bobby. "Whiz away Sir, anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has
ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges,
and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the
cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobby, "That was really
decent of you... is that what you call "British Hospitality?"

"No sir", replied the Bobby, "That is what we call the French Embassy."

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Grey Hair


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When he discovered his first grey hair he immediately wrote to his
parents:

"Dear Mum and Dad, You saw my first steps. You might want to experience
this with me too."

He then taped the offending hair to the paper and mailed it.

His father's response was in the form of a poem:

It's a trustworthy observation
That nothing can compare
In the process of aging
With finding the first grey hair.

and signed off with this observation:
"That grey hair you sent is not the first one you gave us!"

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: "Why aren't there any Mexicans on Star Trek?"


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"Why aren't there any Mexicans on Star Trek?"

"Well, that's a highly debatable assumption. First, one only sees a small
fraction of the Terran population on the show, so there is no reason to
assume that any ethnic group is unrepresented in that vision of the
future. Secondly, there have been several notable characters played by
actors of Hispanic descent. Recently, these include Robert Beltran
(Chakotay) and Roxann Dawson (B'Elanna Torres). Interestingly enough,
Dawson seems to have changed her last name from Caballero, perhaps in
order to reduce the risk of being typecast because of her ethnicity. Star
Trek in general seems to be very progressive with respect to using diverse
casts, as evidenced by the first interracial kiss on The Original Series,
and the introduction of Chekov during the height of the Cold War."

What's the difference between a dog and a fox?

One is of the genus canis, the other is of the genus vulpis

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag.
One is a famous singer songwriter facing charges of child molestation and
the other's a shopping bag.

A penguin is driving through the desert when his car starts making
horrible noises. He manages to get the car into a small town before it
finally stalls out in the middle of the street. He gets out of the car
and, hiking through the hot desert afternoon, sweat pouring down his
penguin brow, he locates the town's car repair shop.

"Excuse me, sir," the penguin says as he approaches the mechanic. "My
car's broken down a little way down the street. I was hoping you could
help me."

The mechanic pauses for a moment, then shakes his head. "No, I can't help
you," he says.

"Why not?" asks the penguin.

"Because you're another hallucination, and I have to close the shop down
now and take my medication and maybe take a nap so that it can take
effect." The mechanic slams the door in the penguin's face.

The penguin, stunned and dismayed, wanders around town for another hour,
but he can't find anyone to help him. Unaccustomed to such sweltering,
overwhelming heat, and unable to find shelter of any sort from the intense
afternoon sun, the penguin soon succumbs to the heat and dies

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella around?

In case it should rain.

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I imagine it would take a great many. Mice would find it difficult to
reach a ceiling light fitting, and would individually lack the strength or
dexterity required to turn a bulb in such a socket. Even if you had enough
mice to lend their strength to such an endeavour, the chances of them
having the intelligence and wherewithal to perform such a complex activity
is really quite low.

A blonde girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on
the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she
says.

"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.

"I said 'I'LL BE BACK TOMORROW AFTERNOON TO PICK UP MY DRESS'," says the
girl, this time louder.

A man walks past a bar and sees a sign which says "PERFORM THE THREE FEATS
AND WIN A MILLION DOLLARS!" Thinking that a million dollars sounds like a
great idea, he goes inside and asks the bartender what the deal is.

"First," says the bartender, "you have to chug this entire bottle of
vodka. Second, there's a crocodile in the back room with a bad tooth. You
have to pull it. Third, there's an eighty-five year old woman in the back
who's never had sex. You have to have sex with her."

The guy think it over and says "okay, sure. You have a deal!" He grabs the
bottle of vodka and, with little effort due to the fact that he's
basically a professional alcoholic anyway, downs it. Then he slams the
empty bottle down and goes into the back room. There's a lot of screaming,
some growling, and various crashing sounds. Finally a silence falls upon
the bar. Minutes pass, then an hour. Finally the bartender sends a barmaid
back to see what's going on. A few minutes later, she comes back out.

"What's he doing?" asks the bartender.

"What's left of him is back there in the croc pen," she says, her
horrified face pale with shock. "His clothes are tossed in the corner. I
think he tried to fuck the croc. The croc...the croc ate him."

"Oh, Jesus," whispers the bartender. "Jesus."

Nobody says a word.

A guy decides to buy a new ceiling fan, but the salesman says, "Well I'm
all out of tunafish."

So the guy says louder, "I want a ceiling fan."

But the salesman says, "I told you, I'm all out of tunafish."

The guy frustrated, yells, "I WANT A CEILING FAN!"

The customer, now irate, realises that the salesman was actually a
mentally impaired vagrant who had wandered into the store.

ANDREW

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: I just flew in from LA, and boy are my arms tired. This is because they


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I just flew in from LA, and boy are my arms tired. This is because they
had run out of carts at Charlotte Douglas, and I had to lug two extremely
heavy suitcases all the way from the baggage carousels to my car. I think
I might have pulled a muscle in my arm.

What do you call 5 mexicans in quicksand?

A dangerous situation that could soon turn tragic.

Four blondes are driving to Disneyworld. They finally get to Florida and
they see a sign that says "Disneyworld: left" so they take the left and
have a wonderful time at what many people believe to be the most magical
place on Earth.

A Mexican, a Texan, a Brit, and a Frenchman are flying on a plane when one
of the engines goes out. The pilot comes out and says "we're too heavy,
one of you will have to jump!" The Mexican looks at the Texan, the Brit
looks at the Frenchmen, but they all decide that they don't want to jump
out of the plane. The pilot attempts an emergency landing but without a
runway and only 3 engines the plane hits at too harsh an angle and
explodes.

How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?

Do something really nice for her, like buy her the piece of jewelry she
looks at every time you go into the mall, or bake her a cake. If you have
the time and effort, make her something. People appreciate thought and
effort in a present more than money.

Why don't Polish girls swim in the sea?

The only sea that Poland borders on is the Baltic. Throughout most of the
year this sea is too cold to comfortable swim in.

These three guys are in a bar, and they're pretty well smashed. First guy
turns to the second guy and goes "you know, there's a building by here
with some weird wind currents. You jump off the roof, fall nearly to the
ground, then the updrafts catch you and carry you safely to the roof
again." Second guy says "bullshit, that's a lie." First guy goes "okay,
asshole. Bet you fifty bucks that I'm right." The second guy agrees, and
they go off to the roof in question.

During the walk to the building, the second guy's head clears a bit, and
he figures out why the first guy's blue, red, and yellow costume with big
red cape looked so familiar. He calls the bet off.

There once was a man from Nantucket. He owned a sailboat. I haven't seen
him in years.

Three boys walk into the office of the head priest of their catholic
school. The priest asks what they have done wrong. The three boys each
answer "Nothing" and the priest says in frustration. "Then go do something
wrong I'm busy here."

The next day each boy is brought back separately. The first boy walks in
and the priest asks "What did you do wrong?" The boy responds, "I gutted
my cat" The priest is horrified and makes a note about the boy. When he
regained his composure he said "Son you are deeply disturbed and need
therapy but since you confessed to me you are forgiven and may drink of
the holy water."

The next boy walks in and the priest warily asks "What have you done
wrong?" "I killed my mom" he responds. The priest immediately calls the
police but before the boy is arrested the priest says to him "You are very
deeply disturbed my son but because you have confessed this sin you are
forgiven and may drink of the holy water" As soon as he does the police
escort him out of the building.

Finally the last little boy walks into the priests office. The priests
asks him "And what have you done my son?" The kid replies "I peed in the
holy water." To which the priest said "Thank God. You didn't do something
horrific like the other two. For confessing this sin you are forgiven and
may drink of the holy water once we replace it with fresh water."

Epilogue: The boys eventually accused the priest of molestation. The
priest was de-frocked and died alone, riddled with the guilt of one dead
woman and three molested boys on his head.

As their plane spirals towards the ground, a young man asks the pretty
girl next to him if she would have sex with him, as he does not want to
die a virgin. Surprised by this request, she declines, stating that in
addition to the sheer inappropriateness of the idea, the mechanics of
copulating in a crashing aircraft seem very difficult if not impossible.
He agrees and admits that he was only trying to lighten the mood. However,
she was busy putting on her oxygen mask and didn't hear this last bit.
They both spend the last moments of their lives in anxious reflection.

ANDREW

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: One for Sasha


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http://www.savetoby.com/

Or alternatively, www.killtoby.com

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Patrick and Michael were walking along in a forest, when Patrick falls


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Patrick and Michael were walking along in a forest, when Patrick falls
over and breaks his leg on a tree root.

In agony, Patrick turns to Michael and says "Quick, call me an
ambulance!".

Michael replies " Okay I'll just go to that public telephone we saw
earlier down the path - I'll be back in five minutes. ".

A duck walks into a bar...

Animal control is promptly called, the duck is then taken to a near by
park and released.

Why did the deaf man take his parrot to work?

He was weird.

What's the difference between a post box and a vagina?

A post box is a public container for the deposit of outgoing mail, and a
vagina is the passage leading from the opening of the vulva to the cervix
of the uterus in female mammals.

Why do Mexicans not like going out in the rain?

It's wet.

A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The
horse replies:

"I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and
the extent to which I am now protected by law."

Knock knock

Who's there?

The wallet inspector!

Ditch the jokes and come inside, Tim, it's fucking cold.

A chicken begins crossing the street and is hit by several fast moving
metal boxes with wheels.

A Blonde and a Brunette jump off a tall building at the same time. Who
hits the ground first?

Both of them hit the ground at the same time. Hair colour doesn't affect
acceleration due to gravity.

A man walks into a bar.

He is an alcoholic whose drinking problem is destroying his family.

What's worse then finding a worm in your apple?

The Holocaust.

Why was six afraid of seven?

It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.

A man walks into a whorehouse and pays a prostitute for sex. He contracts
an STD and passes it onto his pregnant wife. Their child is born deformed
and has a difficult life.

When asked if he could see the humour in the situation, the child replied
"No. No I don't."

A man called a lawyer and asked, "How much will you charge me to answer
three questions?"

The lawyer said "$400."

"Wow," said the man. "Isn't that a lot?"

"I guess so." said the lawyer. "When are you going to ask your questions?"

ANDREW

---- End Forwarded Message ----

Monday, April 11, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: You're right. Here goes.


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An old gent is sitting on a park bench enjoying the
spring sunshine, when a little girl with her curly-tailed
dog come sauntering past.

"Hello" says the little girl, stopping in front of the
bench.

"Hello, little girl", replies the old gent, "What's your
name?"

"My name's Marie. I'm named after my grandmother."

"What a charming name. And what a lovely pink dress you are
wearing!"

"Yes, it is pretty, isn't it? My mother says that pink
really suits my colouring."

"She's right - it does. And what is your little dog
called?"

"He's called Piggy."

"Is that because of his dear little curly tail?"

"No. It's because he fucks pigs."

Saturday, April 09, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Old, I know.


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A spokesman for the Vatican has just announced that the smell of stale
piss has disappeared.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: What's...


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What's brown and half-eaten?

The Pope's easter eggs.

[nilesfunnies] MIL


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I used to not get along with my mother-in-law, but over the last few
months, I've developed quite an attachment for her.

It goes over her head, and a strap comes down under her chin ... to keeps
her mouth shut.

--
Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | "It's tweed, you know.
outpages.com/nilex | There's no give in tweed."
www.niles.org.uk |

[nilesfunnies] Airlines


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A guy sitting at Bar at Brussels Airport noticed a very beautiful woman
sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she
must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan:

"Love to fly and it shows?" She gave him a blank, confused stare and he
immediately thought to himself, "Oh eck, she doesn't work for Delta".

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her
again, "Something special in the air?" She gave him the same confused look.

He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.

Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk."

This time the woman turned on him "What the f*ck do you want?"

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said, "Ahhhhh,

Ryanair!"

--
Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | "It's tweed, you know.
outpages.com/nilex | There's no give in tweed."
www.niles.org.uk |

[nilesfunnies] Cab


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A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at
the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked
the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having
an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby
agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into
the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back
and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to
the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied
when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for
you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake.
He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.

He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"

The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a
cold."

--
Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | "It's tweed, you know.
outpages.com/nilex | There's no give in tweed."
www.niles.org.uk |

[nilesfunnies] Fw: OK folks......


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Socrates

In ancient Greece (369-399 BC), Socrates was well known for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said
excitedly, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your
students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like
you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?"

"That's right," Socrates continued "Before you talk to me about my
student, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're
going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure
that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and....."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not.
Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are
about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary .."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him,
but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though,
because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you
want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true
nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"

This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out that Plato was having an affair
with his wife.

Monday, April 04, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Neil Sedaka to sing at funeral


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Neil Sedaka to sing at funeral

Pope Karol, I am but a fool,
Cardinal Wotijwa, how you treat me cruel,
You hurt me and you made me cry
But we wear condoms, we will surely die.

Wotijwawill never be another
Cause we love you so,
don't ever leave us,
Say you'll never go
We will always want you for our pontiff
No matter what you do
Oh! Karol, I'm so in love with you.

---- End Forwarded Message ----