nilesfunnies

Monday, May 30, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Kylie

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Q. What's the difference between getting your hand inside Kylie's bra and
driving a Skoda?

A. You feel a right tit driving a Skoda.

Niles
Skoda Driver

[nilesfunnies] Quaylerisms

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Quayleisms
>From http://www.meyerweb.com/other/humor/quayle.html

Out of the Mouths of Quayles...

The former Vice President of the United States of America was, if nothing
else, good for an occasional mind-boggling quote. I received a list of
some of his bon mots via e-mail, and couldn't pass up the opportunity to
preserve it for posterity.

My personal all-time favorite Quayle Quote:

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same
distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures
where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that
means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89

As you will see, however, this is by no means the end of Mr. Quayle's
interesting perspective on life. Just remember: this man could still
become President someday. Sleep well tonight, okay?

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was
that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those
people." -- not J. Danforth Quayle; see snopes.com/quotes/quayle.htm
for the full story

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
-- J. Danforth Quayle

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and
child." -- Vice President Dan Quayle

"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being
very wasteful. How true that is."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in
this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in
this century." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/15/88

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
democracy - but that could change."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and
that one word is 'to be prepared'."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89

"May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world."
-- The Quayles' 1989 Christmas card
[But not a beacon of literacy, apparently.]

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 11/30/88

"We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements in
the Future." -- Vice President Dan Quayle

"The future will be better tomorrow."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/21/88

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm
commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and
the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame
for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings?
The killers are to blame." -- Vice President Dan Quayle

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having
it."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/20/92 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)

"Murphy Brown is doing better than I am. At least she knows she still has
a job next year."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/18/92

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/22/90

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/5/90

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/18/90

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan
Quayle may or may not make."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the
mistakes we may or may not have made."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in
our air and water that are doing it."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

"Public speaking is very easy."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle to reporters in 10/88

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/89

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and
have a tremendous impact on history."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle

[nilesfunnies] Signs

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Purported all to be signs on doors, trucks, windows, etc.

Signs Sign over a Gynaecologist's Office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

**************************

At a Proctologist's door:

"To expedite your visit please back in."

**************************

On a Plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed."

**************************

On a Septic Tank Truck:

"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"

********************************

Another Septic Tank Truck sign:

"We're #1 in the #2 business."

**************************

On a Plumber's truck:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

**************************

Pizza Shop Slogan:

"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

**************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:

"Invite us to your next blow-out."

**************************

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:

"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

**************************

At a Towing company:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

**************************

On an Electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts."

**************************

In a Non-smoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate
action."

**************************

On a Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push. Push."

**************************

At an Optometrist's Office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right
place."

*************************

On a Taxidermist's window:

"We really know our stuff."

***************************

In a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."

**************************

On a Fence:

"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

**************************

At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

**************************

At the Electric Company:

"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't,
you will be."

**************************

In a Restaurant window:

"Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."

[nilesfunnies] A brave man

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One who comes home drunk, smelling of perfume, with lipstick on his
collar, who slaps his wife on the arse and says, 'Eh up, fatty. You're
next!'

[nilesfunnies] Farmer

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Under new environmental legislation farmers can be imprisoned for removing
plants from their land without permission. A farmer was recently sentenced
to six months for pulling up a yew hedge. He meets his new cellmate...

Cell Mate: "What are you in for?"

Farmer: "I got 6 months for pulling up a yew hedge. How about you?"

Cell Mate: "I got 12 years for rape."

Farmer: "Twelve years!! God, you must have had acres of it!"

--
Niles, Nottingham | Off round France til July
ICQ UIN 12724766 |
| www.niles.org.uk/blog
www.niles.org.uk | www.flickr.com/photos/niles/tags/vadrouille

[nilesfunnies] Some good lines to use...

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1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was
God and I didn't.

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

19.. Procrastinate Now!

20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.

25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times
the memory.

27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a
pig.

28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

30.. I smile! because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.

--
Niles, Nottingham | Off round France til July
ICQ UIN 12724766 |
| www.niles.org.uk/blog
www.niles.org.uk | www.flickr.com/photos/niles/tags/vadrouille

[nilesfunnies] Democracy

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"The best argument against Democracy is a 5 minute conversation with the
average voter"

Winston Churchill

--
Niles, Nottingham | Off round France til July
ICQ UIN 12724766 |
| www.niles.org.uk/blog
www.niles.org.uk | www.flickr.com/photos/niles/tags/vadrouille

Friday, May 13, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Church

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A visiting minister at the start of the offertory prayer:

"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his
upturned face, "without you, we are but dust..."

He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl
(who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite
audibly in her shrill little girl voice,

"Mommy, what is butt dust?"

--
Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | A picture was worth a thousand words...
| ... but that was before they devalued the word
www.niles.org.uk | Tom Lehrer

[nilesfunnies] Holiday

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A New York woman was at her hairdresser's on Park Avenue getting her hair
cut prior to a vacation in Rome with her boyfriend.

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would
anyone want to go there? Italy's crowded, dirty and full of Italians.
You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"Were taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their
planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's left bank called
Teste..."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be
something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in
the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced.
So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people
trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this
lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked
her about her vacation in Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one
of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us
up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome
28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel--it was
great! They'd just finished a $5-million remodeling job and now it's a
jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were over-booked, so they
apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you
didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss
Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet
some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room
and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes
later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and
he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really...what'd he say?"

He asked, "Where'd you get the awful hair cut?

--
Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | A picture was worth a thousand words...
| ... but that was before they devalued the word
www.niles.org.uk | Tom Lehrer

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: A real cowboy story

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A real cowboy story
A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in a small town in West Texas. He
sits at the counter and notices an older cowboy with his arms folded
staring blankly at a bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting
there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks, "if you ain't gonna
eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in
his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his
place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the
bottom and notices a dead rat in the chili.

The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili into the
bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got too!"

---- End Forwarded Message ----

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: If the 'phone won't stop ringing

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If the 'phone won't stop ringing
Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem.
But unlike most people she did something about it. The brand-new
$10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had acquired
almost the same telephone number as Leola.

From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not
for her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt
that she had a case to persuade the motel management to change its
number. Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could
not change its stationery.

The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number,
and just because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24
hours a day didn't make it responsible. After her pleas fell on deaf
ears, Leola decided to take matters into her own hands.

At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the
motel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leoloa said,
"No problem. How many nights?" A few hours later Dallas checked
in. A secretary wanted a suite with two bedrooms for a week.
Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was
available for $600 a night. The secretary said that she would take
it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. "No, that won't be
necessary," Leola said. "We trust you."

The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an
electric appliance manufacturers' convention for Memorial Day
weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne
veterans from World War II. She turned on her answering machine
during lunchtime so that she could watch the O.J. Simpson trial, but
her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called
to book the ballroom for her daughter's wedding in June. Leola
assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she
would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take
care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to
handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet parking
came up. Once again Leola was helpful. "There's no charge for valet
parking, but we always recommend that the client tips the drivers."

Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area.
People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet
Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events booked.
Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the
motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from
Marriott said, We're prepared to offer you $2,000,000 for the
motel." Leola replied. "We'll take it, but only if you change the
telephone number."

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Doctor

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"Doctor, doctor, please kiss me" says the patient.
"No, I'm sorry, that would be against the code of medical
ethics" says the Doctor.
Ten minutes later the patient says: "Doctor, please kiss me
just once."
"No, I'm sorry, I just can't " he says.
Five minutes later, she asks again: "Please, Please kiss
me!"

"Look" says the doctor," it's out of the question. In fact,
I probably shouldn't even be shagging you."

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Conan Doyle

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Conan Doyle

A funny story circulated recently about Sir Arthur Conan Doyle,
creator of the fictional detective Sherlock Holmes. Doyle
evidently told of a time when he climbed into a taxi cab in
Paris. Before he could utter a word, the driver turned to him and
asked, "Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?"

Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver if he had ever seen
him before.

"No, sir," the driver responded, "I have never seen you before."
Then he explained: "This morning's paper had a story about you
being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi stand where
people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin
colour tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your
right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer. Your
clothing is very English, and not French. Adding up all those
pieces of information, I deduced that you are Sir Arthur Conan
Doyle."

"This is truly amazing!" the writer exclaimed. "You are a
real-life counter-part to my fictional creation, Sherlock
Holmes!"

"There is one other thing," the driver said.

"What is that?"

"Your name is on the front of your suitcase."

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: A jewish dictionary

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JEWBILATION n. Pride in finding out that one's favourite celebrity is
Jewish.

TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from
the
Torah at one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah.

SANTASHMANTA n. The explanation Jewish children get for why they celebrate
Hannukah while the rest of humanity celebrates Christmas.

MATZILATION v. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter
it.

BUBBEGUM n. Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never
gave to her own children.

CHUTZPAPA n. A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change
the
baby's diaper.

DISORIYENTA n. When Bubbe gets lost in a department store and strikes up a
conversation with anyone and everyone she passes.

GOYFER n. A Gentile messenger.

JEWDO n. A traditional form of self defense based on talking one's way out
of a tight spot.

MAMATZAH BALLS n. Matzo balls that are as good as mother used to make.

MEINSTEIN slang for: "My son, the genius."

MISHPOCHAMARKS n. The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's
face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.

RE-SHTETLEMENT n. Moving from Brooklyn to Florida and finding all your old
neighbors live in the same condo as you.

ROSH HASHANANA n. A rock 'n roll band from Brooklyn.

YIDENTIFY vb. To be able to determine ethnic origins of celebrities even
though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis, or Taylor.

MINYASTICS n. Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth
person to complete a minyan.

FEELAWFUL n. Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.

DISKVELLIFIED vb. To drop out of law school, med school or business school
as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents, and Uncle Sid. In
extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv's son,
David, is majoring in biology, is sufficient grounds for
diskvellification)

[nilesfunnies] l33t

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0wr F4th3R, wh0 0wnz h34\/3n, j00 r0x0rs! M4y 4|| 0wr b4s3 s0m3d4y Bl0ng
t0
j00! M4y j00 0wn 34rth juss |1|3 j00 0wn h34\/3n. G1v3 us th1s d4y 0wr
w4r3z, mp3z, 'n pr0n thr0ugh a ph4t |. 4nd cut us s0m3 sl4ck wh3n w3 4ct
lik3 n00b l4m3rz, juss 4s w3 g1v3 n00bz 4 l34rn1n wh3n th3y l4m3 2 us.
Pl34s3 d0n't l3t us 0wn s0m3 p00r d00d'z b0x3n wh3n w3'r3 t00 p1ss3d t0
th1nk 4b0ut wh4t's r1ght 4nd wr0ng, 4nd 1f j00 c0uld k33p th3 f3i 0ff 0wr
b4ckz, w3'd 'pr3c14t3 1t. F0r j00 0wn 4ll 0wr b0x3n 43v3r 4nd 3v3r, 4m3n!

Monday, May 09, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Feeling needled

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Overtaking a speeding car on the motorway, the policeman was amazed to
look inside and see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting.

He wound down his window and yelled to the driver, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "SCARF!"

[nilesfunnies] Fw: :)

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Dorothy is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away.
She goes to the mortuary to look at her dearly departed & the instant
she sees him she starts wailing & crying.

One of the attendants rushes up to comfort her.

Through her tears she explains that she was upset because Albert was
wearing a black suit & that it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue
suit.

The attendant apologises & explains that they always put the bodies
in a black suit as a matter of course, but he'd see what he could do.
The next day Dorothy returns to the mortuary to have one last moment
with Albert before his funeral the following day.

When the attendant pulls back the curtain, Dorothy manages to smile
through her tears as Albert is now wearing a smart blue suit. She asks the
attendant "how did you manage to get hold of that beautiful blue suit?"

"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's
size was brought in & he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained
that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black
suit" the attendant replied.

He continued "After that it was simply a matter of swapping the heads
around"

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Ah, satire....

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Q. Have you heard about the new Tony Blair doll?

A. You pull a little ring and it NEVER tells the same story twice!

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Compare with

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Diplomat / Lady

If a Diplomat says:

Yes he means Maybe

Maybe he means No

No he's not a Diplomat


If a Lady says:

No she means Maybe

Maybe she means Yes

Yes she's not a Lady

[nilesfunnies] Fw: squaws and babies

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There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin. One slept on an
elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became
pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the
hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the
hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Coddling...

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Coddling...
A mother had three daughters and, on their wedding, she tells each
one to write back about their married life. To avoid possible
embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love
lives, the mother and daughters agree to using newspaper
advertisements as a "code" to let the mother know how their love lives
are going.
The first one gets married and the second day the letter arrives with
a single message, simply: "MAXWELL COFFEE HOUSE". Mother got the
newspaper and checked the Maxwell Coffee House advertisement, and it
says:
"Satisfaction to the last drop..." So, Mother is happy.
Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there was a
message that reads: "ROTHMAN'S MATTRESSES". So, the Mother looks at
the Rothman's Mattresses ad, and it says: "FULL SIZE, KING SIZE". And
Mother is happy. Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was
anxious. After four weeks came the message: "BRITISH AIRWAYS". And
mother looks into the British Airways ad, but this time she fainted.
The ad reads: "THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."

---- End Forwarded Message ----

Sunday, May 08, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Horseradish

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Horseradish
While few of the traditional seder foods trace their origins as far back
as matzoh, it should be noted that the lowly horseradish root also crossed
the Red Sea with the fleeing Israelites.

As impoverished slaves, they had access to few vegetables and the hard and
woody horseradish was a household staple.

While most of the fleeing Israelites carried with them horseradish, there
is a story told of one family where, while gathering up their few
belongings, discovered that they had no horseradish left in their house.
The wife sent her husband into the field to dig up a large horseradish
root, but in the darkness and confusion, he unearthed a large ginger root
by mistake.

The story continues that after forty years of wandering in the desert, the
Israelites finally entered the promised land. But it was another year
before the family with the ginger arrived to settle among the rest of the
Israelites.

When asked where they had been, the matriach of the family, now grown old,
shrugged and answered, "My husband insisted on taking an alternate root."

Saturday, May 07, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Mick the sledge

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Back when the Kray brothers terrorised London, there were a number of
smaller gangs, who occasionally trespassed on what the brothers considered
their rightful purview. When this happened, the boys would send round
their chief fixer, affectionately known as "Mick the Sledge". Mick was a
lad would looked as if he had been carved from solid granite and spoke
like it too. His weapon of choice was a 14 pound sledgehammer and
depending on the offence in question, he would apply this to the
offender's anatomy - toes, fingers, arms, whatever. Hence the imaginative
sobriquet.

An upcoming muscle-bound young thug named Johnny Rillo fancied his chances
in the big time and decided to rob a gambling den owned by the twins.
Johnny was none too bright, and the attempt failed pitifully and Johnny
went into hiding with a friend. As it turned out, the 'friend' was more
loyal to the Krays than to some punk and Mick was duly dispatched to
'correct' Johnny. As Mick was setting off from his mum's house, a young
lad tagged along with him. Mick turned to see the boy, no more than 14,
carrying a small mallet. It was his nephew, Brian. "Teach me, Mick", Brain
said, "I've done nicking and stuff. But I want to get into protection".

It warmed Mick's heart. He'd always wanted an apprentice - someone to pass
on his considerable skills to. So he agreed and the pair set off into the
dark streets around Soho. Soon they were at the house in question and Mick
proudly handed the spare keys to Brian. "Open it, son", he said, hefting
his sledge in both hands, just in case there should be any trouble. The
door opened softly and they could hear the radio playing. The two entered
quietly and they could see the shape of Johnny, ironing his trousers in
the kitchen. Moving faster than his size would suggest was possible, Mick
rushed in and grabbed Johnny, pinning his arms. Then he stretched out one
of Brian's hands on to the ironing board. "'It 'im, Brian", he said. Brian
took careful aim and swung. He missed the hand and instead struck Mick's
thumb in passing.

"No, no, son", Mick said, scarcely noticing the blow. "Your grip's too
tight. You'll always 'ave an 'ook on your swing. 'Ave another go". Johnny
squirmed but Mick held him fast. Again Brian swung and this time made
contact, but without much effect. Johnny was muscular and had obviously
been in a fight or two. "An' again", said Mick. Brian hit Johnny once
more, but again with no power. It was obvious to Mick, that the mallet was
inadequate and the boy needed a demonstration with a proper instrument.
"It's too light, that thing", he said, pointing to the mallet. "I'll show
you 'ow it's done". Using Johnny's half-pressed trousers, he tied Johnny's
arms behind his back and dropped him on the floor.

Mick picked up his trusty namesake and thought about the spot. Would the
boy learn more from a leg-breaking, or perhaps and arm or two to start?
Well, he'd learn either way, Mick supposed. He raised the sledge high and
swung downwards, hard. There was a sickening crack and Mick, smiling,
turned to Brian, and said: "This is the weight to 'ammer Rillo".

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] luvvies

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a story about Sir John
Gielgud in one of his more absent-minded moments, when lunching with
Athene Syler and talking about what a dreadful day he had ahead of
him. "And I've then got to go and have lunch with that ghastly old bat
Athene Syler" and then hurriedly "Oh, not you of course, Athene dear"

--
Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | A picture was worth a thousand words...
| ... but that was before they devalued the word
www.niles.org.uk | Tom Lehrer

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Directions

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Directions
1. Start at Newcastle Airport.

2. Catch flight from Newcastle to London Heathrow Airport.

3. Catch flight from London Heathrow to Dallas Fort Worth Airport.

4. Hire car at Dallas Fort Worth Airport.

5. Start going toward the "Airport Exit" on "International Parkway
South" - follow for 0.2 miles.

6. Bear left onto the highway toward "Terminal East Parking" - follow
for 0.3 miles

7. Bear left onto "International Parkway North" toward "North Airport
Exit" - follow for 2.9 miles

8. Take the "Highway 114 west" exit toward "Fort Worth" - follow for
29.2 miles

9. Then continue on "US 287 north" - follow for 91.1 miles

12. "US 287 north" becomes "Interstate-44 east" - follow for 0.7 miles

13. Take left fork onto "US-287 north" toward "Vernon" - follow for
104.0 miles

14. "US 287 north" becomes "Avenue F (US-287)" - follow for 2.8 miles

15. Continue to follow "US 287 north" - follow for 104.9 miles

16. Take left ramp onto "Interstate 40 west" toward "Dumas" - follow for
7.8 miles

17. Take "Exit 70" onto "US 60 east" toward "Dumas" - follow for 0.5
miles

18. Take the "Buchanan Street" exit toward "Dumas/Pampa" - follow for
1.7 miles

19. Turn right onto "Old Route 66 (Interstate 40)" - follow for 0.1
miles

20. Arrive at the centre of "Amarillo, Texas"

Now that's the way to f*****g Amarillo!!!!!!!!

---- End Forwarded Message ----

Friday, May 06, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: It's said this is how yodelling began...

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It's said this is how yodelling began...
(Silly...) :-)

Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of
Switzerland.

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went
up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter came down from upstairs and
asked her father, "Who's that man going into the barn?"

"That's some fellow travelling through," said the farmer. "He needs a
place to stay for the night, so I said he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he's hungry." So she prepared him a plate of
food and took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter
returned, her clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair. Straight up to
bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps
the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the
barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew,
her blouse buttoned incorrectly and her hair all messed up. She also
headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on
his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke
into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried.
"We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking
for the man who, by now, was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with
my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to
his mouth, and yelled out,

"LAIDTHEOLELADEETOO."

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Old George Brown Story

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We'd be getting more excited about the election
if the leading MPs were more like George Brown,
the deputy leader of the Labour Party during the
1960s. A noted drunk, George's finest hour came
at a London diplomatic reception. As the band
struck up the first number, he approached a
potential conquest in a long, red velvet dress
and asked, "Beautiful lady in scarlet, may I have
the next dance?"

"Certainly not!" came the reply.
"Why not?" asked George.
"In the first place you are drunk. "In the
second, this is not actually a waltz but the
Hungarian national anthem; and, thirdly, I am not
a beautiful lady in scarlet, I am, in fact,
the papal nuncio Archbishop Mancini."

--
Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | A picture was worth a thousand words...
| ... but that was before they devalued the word
www.niles.org.uk | Tom Lehrer

Thursday, May 05, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: For parents and parents to be - Mum's Definitions (Part 2)

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For parents and parents to be - Mum's Definitions (Part 2)

MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush,etc. which ironically make Mum look
better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp."

MAYBE: No.

MILK: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's turned
into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.

"MuuummMMM!": The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.

MUSH: 1. What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food. 2. Main element
of Mum's favourite movies.

NAILS: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mum can never have
a full set of due opening stubborn modelling clay lids, removing packaging
from the latest toy and diving down the back of the sofa to retrieve army
men and/or doll clothing.

OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids,
assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats,
cars and animals.

OPEN: The position of children's mouths when they eat in front of company.

OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mum's nickname for Dad.

PRISON: Where children who don't eat their vegetables or clean their
rooms eventually end up, according to Mum.

PETS: Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mum will have
someone else to clean up after.

PIANO: A large, expensive musical instrument which, after hundreds of
pounds worth of lessons and constant harping by Mum, kids will refuse to
play in front of company.

PURSE: A handbag in which Mum carries the cheque-book and keys she can
never find because they're buried under tissues, sweet wrappers, a plastic
container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy bear,
a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list and several outdated
coupons.

QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the
first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.

RAINCOAT: Article of clothing Mum bought to keep a child dry and warm,
rendered ineffective because it's in the bottom of a locker stuffed in a
school bag or because the child refuses to wear "the geeky thing."

REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air conditioner for the kitchen.

SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching
offspring stumble through coarse reenactment of famous historic events.

SCREAMING: Home P.A. system.

SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and
snapped performs two important functions: Protecting children from the
cold and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.

SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children's clothing made of a fabric
which attracts melted chocolate and fruit juice.

TEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mum and that person who has yet to
understand her child's "special needs".

TERRIBLE TWO'S: Having both kids at home all summer.

TRAMP: A woman with two kids and no stretch marks.

TROUBLE: Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.

VITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mum forces you to swallow each
morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be "Just like
Daddy".

WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.

WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent
ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads of gum.

"WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME": Standard measurement of time between crime
and punishment.

Neil

---- End Forwarded Message ----

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: For parents and parents to be - Mum's Definitions (Part 1)

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For parents and parents to be - Mum's Definitions (Part 1)

AEROPLANE: What Mum impersonates to get a one year old to eat strained
vegetables.

ALIEN: What Mum would think had invaded her house if she spotted a
child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.

APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for buns and
cakes.

BABY: 1. Dad, when he gets a cold. 2. Mum's youngest child, even if he's
42.

BATHROOM: a room used by the entire family, believed by all (except Mum)
to be self-cleaning.

BECAUSE: Mum's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained
logically.

BED & BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.

CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off
shoes.

CAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mum always winds up
going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most
sugar.

COOK: 1. Act of preparing food for consumption. 2. Mum's other name.

COUCH POTATO: What Mum finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat
dinner.

DATE: Infrequent outings where Mum and Dad can enjoy worrying about the
kids while in a different setting.

DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.

DUST: Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a
battle zone.

DUST RAGS: See "DAD'S UNDERWEAR."

EAR: A place where kids store dirt.

EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them.

EMPTY NEST: See"WISHFUL THINKING."

ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked
to do something.

"EXCUSE ME": One of Mum's favourite phrases, reportedly used in past times
by children.

EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mum, can be
"put out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter
knife.

FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home later at night than they
should have done.

FOOD: The response Mum usually gives in answer to the question "What's for
dinner tonight?" See "SARCASM"

FROZEN: 1. A type of food. 2. How hell will be when Mum lets her daughter
date an older guy with a motorcycle.

GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mum's kids.

GUM: Adhesive for the hair and carpet.

HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not
containing, dirty clothing.

HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.

HANDS: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and
sterilised in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the
evening meal.

HINDSIGHT: What Mum experiences from changing too many diapers.

ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if
kids or husbands ever filled the damned things instead of putting them
back in the freezer empty.

INSIDE: That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mum has
spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside.

"I SAID SO": Reason enough, according to Mum.

JACKPOT: When all the kids stay at friends' homes for the night.

JEANS: Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any
occasion, including church and funerals.

"JEEEEEEEEZ!": Slang for "Gee Mum, isn't there anything else you can do to
embarrass me in front of my friends?"

JOY RIDE: Going somewhere without the kids.

JUNK: Dad's stuff.

KETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goo kids use to drown the dish that Mum
spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.

KISS: Mum medicine.

LAKE: Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do
so.

LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mum buys powdered mix,
sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and
ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of
15p.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Terrifying Lib Dem Wrinklies!

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It seems Lib Dem leader Charles Kennedy boasts a dangerous secret weapon
in the form of a fearless army of pensioners. Rival political activists
trying to rile the portly Scot on the campaign trail in recent days have
come up against some unusually aggressive resistance from his veteran
supporters.

"We're talking about Lib Dem activists in their 60's and 70's" explains
one quaking Tory official. " They've started getting a bit rough with some
of our young campaigners who've been quite intimidated. Just the other day
I saw two pensioners grab one of our lads, while another got his
Conservative placard and tore it up. They may be getting on in years but
these people are terrifying."

Daily Express (Hickey) 04/05/05

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

[nilesfunnies] OT: Liars and Lawyers

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From the Independent letters page:

http://comment.independent.co.uk/letters/story.jsp?story=635160

=================================================

They weren't lying

Sir: None of us likes to be called a liar. I suspect that it is especially
hurtful to Tony Blair, as it was for his friend Bill Clinton during the
Monica Lewinsky case. As lawyers and politicians they are likely to take
immense professional pride in their ability to mislead without actually
lying. The accusation challenges something more fundamental to them than
their integrity: it calls into question their expertise.

JOHN RISELEY

FARNBOROUGH, HAMPSHIRE

--
Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | A picture was worth a thousand words...
| ... but that was before they devalued the word
www.niles.org.uk | Tom Lehrer

[nilesfunnies] Fw: BT helpline

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BT helpline
On the phone to the BT helpline:

Man: "..I want to report a nuisance caller.."

BT: "..not you again..."

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Try, and try again.

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A company of three Nuns consisting of two Novices and their Sister Tutor
were lost in the desert for some days and their meagre supplies of food
and water were long since exhausted.

After spending an uncomfortable night, the novices became reconciled to
almost certain death unless of course a miracle occurred. When they
imparted their views to the Sister she remonstrated with them and appeared
shocked at their lack of faith.

"My children I will show you how we shall survive" she said, "I have
hidden inside my knickers a bag of flour, all we have to do is to pass
some water onto the flour and the sun will bake the result into bread"

Her Novices expressed an element of doubt that they might produce water on
account of the fact that they had not partaken of any liquid for some
while. As one whispered to the other "She must be bloody joking!"

"My children it is I who am the keeper of the faith" said the Sister, "
Please try now and pass some water and while each girl is trying the
others will pray!"

The first Novice lowered her drawers and crouched over the heap of flour
balancing precariously. She tried her best and after some while a single
drop was produced.

The second managed but two drops.

"Well my children as usual it is I who must succeed!" said the Sister.

She crouched over the flour and her determination was evident as the veins
stood out on her forehead.
A small trickle of blood ran down her chin as she bit her lip in pursuance
of her endeavour.

Quite suddenly she let go a tremendous fart that blew all the flour away.
The two Novices then pissed themselves laughing!

---- End Forwarded Message ----