nilesfunnies

Thursday, June 30, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: using sign language


A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten
million Euros. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational
benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed
that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have
to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing 10
million Euros, he brings along his solicitor, who knows sign language. The
Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million Euros you
embezzled from me?"

The solicitor, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10
million Euros are hidden. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what
you are talking about. "The solicitor tells the Godfather: "He says he
doesn't know what you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the
bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"

The solicitor signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you
don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in
a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard!"
The Godfather asks the solicitor: "Well, what'd he say?"

The solicitor replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the
trigger."

[nilesfunnies] Fw: The wife phones hubby at work

The wife phones hubby at work, he really doesn't want to discuss buying
anything or visiting any in-laws.

"I'm sorry dear but I'm up to my neck in work today, can we chat when I
get home?"

She replies: "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear."

He retorts: "OK darling, but since I've got no time now, just give me the
good news, OK?"

She replies: "Well, the air bag works..."

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: There's good news and bad news. The good news - they found Glenn Miller's

There's good news and bad news. The good news - they found Glenn Miller's
plane. The bad news - there's lots more music ...

[nilesfunnies] Fw: A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are in a breast stroke race


A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are in a breast stroke race

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are in a breast stroke race. The
starter's gun goes off and the three girls dive into the pool. The
brunette and the redhead shoot across the pool and get out; 20 minutes
later the blonde reaches the end and gets out.

The judge says, "The gold medal goes to the brunette, the silver medal
goes to the redhead, and the bronze goes to the blonde". The blonde says,
"I don't want to be a sore loser, but I think the other girls were using
their arms."

[nilesfunnies] Subjunctive

Child to parents: "Mummy and Daddy, I hate you and I wish I was dead"

Mummy: "Why, Harriet, after all the love and care that Daddy and I have
lavished on you, that's a horrible thing to say ...

... I wish I *were* dead; it's the bloody subjunctive, you little brat".

--
Niles, Nottingham | Off round France til July
ICQ UIN 12724766 |
| www.niles.org.uk/blog
www.niles.org.uk | www.flickr.com/photos/niles/tags/vadrouille

[nilesfunnies] ten


Man goes to doctor for examination:

Doctor: "It's bad news, I'm afraid - you have only a short time left
to live".

Man: "My God, that's awful, how long have I got exactly?"

Doctor: "Ten"

Man: "That tells me nothing - is that ten months, ten weeks, or
what?"

Doctor: "Nine".

--
Niles, Nottingham | Off round France til July
ICQ UIN 12724766 |
| www.niles.org.uk/blog
www.niles.org.uk | www.flickr.com/photos/niles/tags/vadrouille

[nilesfunnies] Thor

The King of Gods went for a ride
upon his favourite filly.
"I'm Thor" he cried,
The horse replied
"You forgot your thaddle, thilly".

A Norse God comes down from the heavens and ravishes a beautiful maiden.
Then he decides to introduce himself. "I'm Thor!" he says. "Tho am I!" she
replies.

--
Niles, Nottingham | Off round France til July
ICQ UIN 12724766 |
| www.niles.org.uk/blog
www.niles.org.uk | www.flickr.com/photos/niles/tags/vadrouille

[nilesfunnies] Re: So, farewell then...


I was puerilely but thoroughly amused by 'Countdown' t'other day - and
it's not often I can say that.

The letters were K W E A N R F Z E

After the first six, Carol Vorderman was clearly fighting to keep a
straight face. Richard Whiteley followed that up with, 'Well, we can all see
one word there - FEZ....'

The two contestants both claimed a six-letter word, and I waited with
bated breath - but they produced 'Weaker' and 'Weaken'. Geoffrey
Durham, in Dictionary Corner, visibly twitching, then assured us that
'There are definitely no other words there. Not at all.'

What was broadcast was edited together after the
original incident in which each of the contestants came up with the
obvious, leading to RW saying something like "so, that's a pair of
wankers, then".

--
Niles, Nottingham | Off round France til July
ICQ UIN 12724766 |
| www.niles.org.uk/blog
www.niles.org.uk | www.flickr.com/photos/niles/tags/vadrouille

[nilesfunnies] Re: Spam, encore

What's the Latin for a pin-up?

Virgo tintacta.

--
Niles, Nottingham | Off round France til July
ICQ UIN 12724766 |
| www.niles.org.uk/blog
www.niles.org.uk | www.flickr.com/photos/niles/tags/vadrouille

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Richard Whitely


Have just heard that Richard Whitely has died. Blimey.

Apparently, he went out on a 9 letter word, PNEUMONIA

http://img160.echo.cx/img160/7471/whitely7ku.jpg

--
Niles, Nottingham | Off round France til July
ICQ UIN 12724766 |
| www.niles.org.uk/blog
www.niles.org.uk | www.flickr.com/photos/niles/tags/vadrouille

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Credit Card


Credit Card
True (Allegedly!)

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and
March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added
late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00,
now is somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to
Citibank:

Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges
still apply."

Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."

Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her
to the credit bureau, maybe both!"

Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Citibank: "Excuse me?"

Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about
her being dead?"

Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."

Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges
still apply."

Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"

! Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)

Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I
can do to help."

Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just
keep billing her. I don't think she will care."

Citibank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."

Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Citibank: "That might help."

Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."

Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: The pig with the wooden leg

The pig with the wooden leg
A man was passing by a farm, when he saw a pig with a wooden leg. He
stopped to talk to the farmer:

man: I noticed you have a pig with a wooden leg, how come?

farmer: aw! that pig! well he's been very good to us. Once we had a fire
in the house, and he came in, and pulled us all out to
safety..fantastic pig that is..

man: yes, but that doesn't answer the question. Why does he have a wooden
leg?

farmer: well, only last week, my daughter fell in the river, and the pig
jumped in to reascue her. It's a fantastic pig that is...

man: yes, but please tell me..WHY does he have a wooden leg???

farmer: with a pig like that, you wouldn't want to eat it all at once
would you?

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Fax from Husband

Fax from Husband

My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs; that you, with
your age and with your 54 year old body, can no longer supply.

I am very happy with you and value you as a good wife. Therefore, after
reading this fax, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact
that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at
the Comfort Inn Hotel.

Please don't be perturbed. I shall be back home before midnight.

Your Husband

When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining

room table:

My Dear Husband,

I received your fax and thank you for being honest. I would like to
take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At
the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I
will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach, who,like
your secretary is also 18 years old.

As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of maths,
you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with
one small difference: 18 goes into 54 more often than 54 into 18.


Therefore, I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow.

Your Wife

Pete Mc

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Last words of Jeanne d'Arc


Last words of Joan of Arc: "Je veux descendre"
Response of the crowd: "t'inquiete pas, tu vas en avoir des cendres"

Monday, June 27, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone


[ /s/Poland/Germany/ -- a]

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there
is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about
Tom Cruise?" "No drama's boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can
prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door
and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happenin?!? Great to
see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave
Cruise's house, he tells Ian that he thinks Dave's knowing Cruise was
just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old
buddies, let's fly out to
Washington." And off they go.

At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his
boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a
meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of
coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but
still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to
Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a
long time."
So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when
Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all
these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go
upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough,
half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the
time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is
surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His
boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came
out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the f_ck's that on
the balcony with Dave?"

---- End Forwarded Message ----

--
Niles, Nottingham | Off round France til July
ICQ UIN 12724766 |
| www.niles.org.uk/blog
www.niles.org.uk | www.flickr.com/photos/niles/tags/vadrouille

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Getting married.

Getting married.

Two Jewish sisters-in-law meet on the street.

Ruth says to Golda, "Such news I got for you, Golda! My Irving is finally
getting married. He tells me he is engaged to this wonderful Jewish girl,
but he thinks the poor darling may have some strange illness called
herpes."

After offering congratulations, Golda says to Ruth, "So, Ruthie, do you
have any idea what is this herpes, and can our Irving catch it?"
Ruth answers, "God forbid! But his Papa and I are just so happy to hear
about his engagement. You know how we've all worried about him. It's past
time he's settled with a nice girl. As far as the herpes goes, who knows?"

"Well," Golda says, "I have a very fine medical dictionary, you know,
Ruthie. I'll just run home right now and look it up and call you."

So, Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth excitedly, "Ruth! Ruth!
Thank goodness, I found it. Not to worry! It says herpes is a disease
affecting the gentiles."

--
Niles, Nottingham | Off round France til July
ICQ UIN 12724766 |
| www.niles.org.uk/blog
www.niles.org.uk | www.flickr.com/photos/niles/tags/vadrouille

[nilesfunnies] Fw: >IMHO East Anglian town centres were much more peaceful places on


>IMHO East Anglian town centres were much more peaceful places on Fri and
>Sat nights when youngsters' brain-altering substance of choice was 'E.'

Very true, a traffic warden with a hoop and a stick is all you need to
keep a group of people on 'E' in order. I love the story of the Police
turning up to one illegal party and when everyone was dispersing one of
them switched the sirens and lights on, everyone started dancing again.

--
Niles, Nottingham | Off round France til July
ICQ UIN 12724766 |
| www.niles.org.uk/blog
www.niles.org.uk | www.flickr.com/photos/niles/tags/vadrouille

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Bank People


These days it's just one fucking queue after anothet. You go to the
Doctor, and you sit/stand for hours amongst an assortment of malingerers
and coffin-dodgers hawking up their phlegn for comparison with the
stranger in the next seat. You go to the supermarket, and satnd in the
queue watching that long list of already identified social misfits
alternately getting out their coupons, or obsessively reconstructing the
layout of their household cupboards in a blizzard of plastic carrier bags
and sorted shopping. Then you go to the bank. Yesterday, I was stood in
the queue for forty fucking minutes, behind a swathe of zoids who have no
business being allowed into the notion of social money transactions in the
first place, and certainly barred from entering banking premises in the
second. Courtesy of the layout of the managed queuing snake, one passes
along behind the fuckjaws stood at the windows, already stinking up the
gaff with their humdrum business. This is what I saw;

Lonely Old Person
"it's so different to my day, can you help me" is their opening gambit as
they settle in for the longest social dialogue they'll have today, before
turning up again tomorrow to do it all over. Some come prepared with
photographs of 'our Sandra + kids', or go off on pen-pictures of exactly
what they had for breakfst, which bus they came on, etc, etc. Changed
since your day ? Of course it's fucking changed since your day, but jaysus
it was much better when you kept your pension rolled up in a sock under
the bed so the bogus Water Board man knew exactly where to find it whilst
you were busy downstairs turning the tap on and off for him. Six hours
later, they roll off satisfied clutching their newly withdrawn sixpence,
heading for the slice-of-dry-toast-and-cup-of-weak-tea Cafe.

Customer Looking For Trouble
"Look, I know there's procedure, but it doesn't apply to me. Just give me
what I want. What do you mean you can't ? yes, I know I was in yesterday
and the procedure was explained to me. But I'm a stupid fuckjaw with no
memory capacity for responsible social behaviour. I get no respect at home
or at work, and I must have at least one outlet where I can browbeat a
minion. I repeat; get all the money out of ny account, and lay it out in
pennies on the counter here. What ? Why ? I think I'll know the reason for
that, thank you"

Loose Change Merchant
Like some kind of latter-day pack mule, has bags of coin slung round his
neck, but carefully underneath the coat to avoid being punched and stoned
in the queue. "Could you just (just ?) cash this up for me please" they
say, starting to get one lumpy bag after another out from everywhere until
the counter is full, like Paul Daniels with that Dove trick. Proceeds from
selling fags to kids for a penny probably. And the cashier has the fucking
temerity to /chat/ with them as they snide up the window for hours at a
go.

The Apologist
Takes great delight in sending the cashier off on some fools errand, then
turning to the rest of us every couple of minutes with a little "Sorry",
to which we respond with a little surly smile and that voice in the head
which whispers "Sorry is it ? You would be fucking sorry if there was any
justice, or I thought I could get away with it"

The Pen Relay
Either too important, lazy or stupid to do their paperwork before joining
the queue. Like some kind of sordid ink-junkie seeking a hit, they slide
along the queuing station from chained-pen to chained-pen, filling in
their slips a bit at a time, and all the while sticking their arses out to
stop you, legitimately, moving past them as the gaps appear in front. And
then of course it's all for fucking nought, because when they get to the
cashier they've filled it in wrong, like the fucking nincompoops they
shurely are, and nany behind the counter laboriously fills it in for them
anyway.

I'm rapidly coming to the conclusion that it should be possible for some
important and busy people like me to pay for Priority Passes that would
allow us to go straight to the head of any queue we encounter. Fuck the
roads and pay-per-mile. Isn't it time we recognised that there's a case
for 2-tier legislation in the High Street ?

--
Niles, Nottingham | Off round France til July
ICQ UIN 12724766 |
| www.niles.org.uk/blog
www.niles.org.uk | www.flickr.com/photos/niles/tags/vadrouille

[nilesfunnies] Fw: The Amazing Italian


The Amazing Italian
A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing.

A sign read: "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian".

The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under The Big Top,
in the centre ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing
next to it was an old Italian.

Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male
member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd
erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off on their
shoulders.

Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found
the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't Miss The
Amazing Italian".

He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still
doing his act!

He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This
time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the
table.

The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and
smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The
crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the
show. "You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "But I have to know
something.

I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the
switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

"Well," said the Italian, "My eyes aren't what they used to be."

--
Niles, Nottingham | Off round France til July
ICQ UIN 12724766 |
| www.niles.org.uk/blog
www.niles.org.uk | www.flickr.com/photos/niles/tags/vadrouille

[nilesfunnies] Fw: In a restaurant

In a restaurant

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down,
but lacks the nerve to start a conversation.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest
dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her
place for a nightcap ....... and stay for breakfast.

They have a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings.

The guy is amazed!!

Everything has been SO incredible!!!!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to
every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies........."

"You just happened to catch my eye."

--
Niles, Nottingham | Off round France til July
ICQ UIN 12724766 |
| www.niles.org.uk/blog
www.niles.org.uk | www.flickr.com/photos/niles/tags/vadrouille

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Michael Jackson's lawyers...


Michael Jackson's lawyers...
are due back in court later today; they're trying to get Stevie Wonder a
driving license!

--
Niles, Nottingham | Off round France til July
ICQ UIN 12724766 |
| www.niles.org.uk/blog
www.niles.org.uk | www.flickr.com/photos/niles/tags/vadrouille

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Geography


Geography

The Geography of a Woman
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is
half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around
the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 - 35 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely
discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with
countries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 35 - 45, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed
and convinced of her own beauty.
Between the ages of 45 - 55 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may
have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and
desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 55 - 60 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the
war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now
necessary.
Between the ages of 60-70 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet
and the borders are practically un-patrolled but the frigid climate keeps
people away.
Between the ages of 70-80 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a
glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.
After 80, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is,
but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man
Between the ages of 15 - 80 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.

---- End Forwarded Message ----

Thursday, June 16, 2005

[nilesfunnies] TV GIRL SqUASHED MY BABY SOUIRREL

TV GIRL SOUASHED MY BABY SOUIRREL

May 28 2005

A REPORTER sent to do a story about a baby squirrel stood on the fluffy
creature by mistake and killed it.

Inka Blumensaat wanted to tell how a pet cat had saved the orphaned
squirrel by adopting it as her own.

But the friendly rodent jumped on her leg as she filmed her report and she
panicked and trampled it underfoot,breaking its neck.

Heike Reher, whose cat adopted the squirrel in Lubeck, Germany, said: 'The
reporter started leaping about like a mad woman. She squashed the squirrel
completely.

'Everyone looked at the floor in horror where the little squirrel lay in a
pool of blood.

'I picked my little treasure up and ran out of the house in tears. I was
so upset I could not speak.

'The reporter came back with some flowers but I could not speak to her.'

Inka, who works for NDR TV, said: 'I regret the whole thing bitterly and
wish there was something I could do to put it right'

ANDREW

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Ten little hoodies

Ten little hoodies
Unashamedly taken as it was the best from the nursery rhymes for the
naughties in the Times today:

Ten little hoodies
shooting up a line
One had a bad trip
and then there were nine.

Nine little hoodies
staying out late
One got curfewed
and then there were eight

Eight little hoodies
picking on Kevin
One got an ASBO
and then there were seven

Seven little hoodies
chatting up some chicks
One got his in the club
and then there were six

Six little hoodies
going for a drive
One crashed his motor
and then there were five

Five little hoodies
kicking in a door
One went and broke his leg
and then there were four

Four little hoodies
sitting down to tea
One ate much too much
and then there were three

Three little hoodies
wondering what to do
One went out mugging
and then there were two

Two little hoodies
looking for some fun
One was arrested
and then there was one.

One little hoodie quite alone, but then
He joined with nine others
in a new gang of ten.

Re: [nilesfunnies] Re: Flaming June?

A Song of the Weather

January brings the snow
Makes your feet and fingers glow

February's Ice and sleet
Freeze the toes right off your feet

Welcome March with wintry wind
Would thou wer't not so unkind

April brings the sweet spring showers
On and on for hours and hours

Farmers fear unkindly May
Frost by night and hail by day

June just rains and never stops
Thirty days and spoils the crops

In July the sun is hot
Is it shining? No, it's not

August cold, and dank, and wet
Brings more rain than any yet

Bleak September's mist and mud
Is enough to chill the blood

Then October adds a gale
Wind and slush and rain and hail

Dark November brings the fog
Should not do it to a dog

Freezing wet December then:
Bloody January again!

(January brings the snow
Makes your feet and fingers glow).

-- Michael Flanders

--
Niles, Nottingham | Off round France til July
ICQ UIN 12724766 |
| www.niles.org.uk/blog
www.niles.org.uk | www.flickr.com/photos/niles/tags/vadrouille

[nilesfunnies] Philopsher Ring Tones II

In uk.media.radio.archers, "Siderius Nuncius" <matron.nuncius@tesco.net>
wrote:
They Schutz Horses, Don't They?
The Pipes of Pierce
Socrates to Me, Baby
Russell Overcome
Don't Sartre Me Talking
Everywhere I Go, I Get So Confucius
Don't Let Down Your Kierkegaard
Rousseau Vain, I Bet You Think This Meinong Is Alembert You
Searle's a Singer

Kant Buy Me Love
Locke Three Times on the Ceiling
Lao-Zi in the Sky with Diamonds
Tom Haack
Böhme-Bang-a-Bang
Heidegger Pony
When I Nietzsche
In Voltaire Tonight
Kuhn-fu Fighting
Mach the Knife
Wall Street Husserl
Ferry Across the Mersenne
Avicenna Mother Baby (Standing in the Shadows)

Is This The Plato Amarillo?
Rousseauxy Thing
It's Aquinas Magic
Sartre Seems To Be The Hardest Word
Leibnitz A Kick Out Of You...

Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stoic
It's A Cynic To Tell A Lie
Jump Down, Turn Around, Epicure Bale Of Cotton
Live And Let Diogenes
Augustine Old Fashioned Girl
Xeno Later Alligator
Message In Aristotle
Lucretius Great And Small
It's Aquinas Magic
The Locke Of Love
Lay Berkeley Lay
Mill Of Kintyre
Our House Is A Derri-Derri-Derrida House
de Sade Songs Say So Much
You Keep Me Hangin' On The Xenophon

Please Mister Postmodernist
I get a kick out of Utilitarianism
The Logical Positivism Song
Bat out of Hegel
Bye Bye Berdyaev
John, I'm only Saint-Simon
I wanna Hold Ayn Rand

I'd Like To Teach The Tao Te Ching
Everything I Do, Idealist For You
Utopia Words Right Out Of My Mouth
Chanson d'A More
You Realist-arted Something
I Schopenhauer To Love Him
Doctrine The Tardis
Solipsism Seems To Be The Hardest Word

and there's that bit in Needles And Pins-ah:
"..And I knew I had to go away
And get Diogenes and pray-ay..."

I Believe Empiricals
Wittgenstein Of The Times
I Know Hedonism A Place On Earth
Let's Metaphysical

--
Niles, Nottingham | Off round France til July
ICQ UIN 12724766 |
| www.niles.org.uk/blog
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[nilesfunnies] Philosopher ringtones

Philosophers' ringtones? Now you've done it...

Hegel Don't Bother Me
Popper Don't Preach
Descartes Take That Away From Me
I Nietzsche Tonight
Something In The Ayer
What Bacons Of The Brokenhearted
Thoroughly Postmodern Millie
Hume-ake Me Feel Mighty Real
I Pascalled To Say I Love You
All a-Laing The Watchtower
I'm Lovin' Engels Instead
We're Schrödinger Long On The Crest Of A Wave....

--
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[nilesfunnies] Re: Flaming June?


The rain it raineth on the just,
and also on the unjust fella.
But mostly on the just because,
the unjust stole the just's umbrella.

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Niles, Nottingham | Off round France til July
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[nilesfunnies] tea


...now, to make my tea, I need two good-sized mugs. I boil the kettle.
The hot water goes into one mug first, stays for a few seconds so the
mug is heated, then goes into the second mug. The tea bag goes into the
first, hot, mug, boiling water is poured in, to within a couple of
millimetres of the top, and the two mugs, one containing brewing tea,
and the other containing hot water, are left to stand. After about five
minutes, the mug of brewed tea is placed in the sink, where some new hot
water (freshly re-boiled) from the kettle, is sloshed into it, so it
overflows by about half a mug. This is to stop the well-brewed tea being
too strong. The full-to-overflowing mug is now tilted a little bit, so
it spills out enough tea to allow room for some milk.
Remember the second mug, full of the hot (now not so hot, but still
quite hot) water that was used to warm the first mug? That is now
emptied. The tea bag is fished out from the first ‘brewing’ mug and
placed in the bottom of the empty ‘warm’ mug, where a small splash of
warm milk is poured over it. The effect of the hot tea bag, and
still-warm milk, is to take the chill off the milk... [continues for
quite some while]

HUGH FEARNLEY-WHITTINGSTALL makes a cup of tea

Observer Food Magazine

--
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[nilesfunnies] Re: Ask EU Computer Help


And what should you do if you come across an elephant?

Wipe it off!

--
Niles, Nottingham | Off round France til July
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| www.niles.org.uk/blog
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[nilesfunnies] Re: Henrietta


I got on a bus in Liverpool and I said to the driver "Is this bus going
to Speke?". And the driver said "No, it'll go brum-brum like all the
others".

(Alternative: Stoke-on-Trent, bus going to Talke)

--
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[nilesfunnies] Re: Henrietta

Local Barnsley joke:

"Driver, is this bus going to Jump?"[1]
"Yes, it is."
"Well 'old it still while I get on then."

[1] Yorkshire village.

--
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[nilesfunnies] Re: Henrietta

A variant of the venerable favourite: "Is this bus going to Turnham
Green?" - "Well, it'll probably shake 'em up a bit."

--
Niles, Nottingham | Off round France til July
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[nilesfunnies] Fw: Make Bricks Fast!


Make Bricks Fast!
This scheme really works! You may have seen other schemes and
said "Huh, what a CON!" but this is 100% GENUINE!

All you have to do is send a dozen old bricks to everyone on the
list.
Then put your name at the bottom of the list, and send it to six
friends.

When your name reaches the top, you will have received more than
HALF A MILLION bricks.

Stack them all in a heap and generations will remember you for
THOUSANDS of YEARS to come.

And remember - this is a 100% genuine PYRAMID scheme!!!

1.) Senor de Sipan, Huaca de la Luna
2.) Mixcoatl Totepeuh, Teotihuacan
3.) King Nebuchadnezzar, Boraippa
4.) Pharoah Rameses the Great, Ramesseum
5.) Pharoah Khufu, Giza
6.) Prime Minister Blair, Millenium Dome, London

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] FW: Michael Jackson has gone to Florida on holiday

He's gone to Tampa with the kids

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[nilesfunnies] Fw: Egg Business

Roy the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several
hundred young (hens) layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters,
whose job was to fertilise the eggs.

The farmer kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform went into
the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he
bought sets of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell
ringing told him how they were performing.
So, now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report
simply by listening to the bells.

The farmers favourite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he
was, too.
But on this particular morning Roy noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung
at all.

Roy went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets,
bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run
for cover.

BUT, to Farmer Roy 's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it
couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and proceed to the next one.
Roy was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair, where
Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result: The judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize"
..............................
but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Pete Mc

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Irish Flyers


Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada, to hunt moose.
They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return
trip, the pilot said that the plane could take only four moose. The
two lads objected strongly, "Last year we shot six and the pilot let
us put them all on board – he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

However, even with full power, the little plane could not handle the
load and went down a few moments after take-off. Climbing out of the
wreckage, Paddy asked Seamus, "Any idea where we are?" "Begorah, I
tink we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Topical


Q. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Arthur Scargill?

A. It's been 20 years since Arthur Scargill last had his hand on a miner's
helmet.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Blonde

Sandy was really smart for a blonde. So when she wanted to go ice
fishing, she bought all the right kit, watched a video on how to do
it, and chose a real cold day.

So she cuts a hole, baits the line and sits back on the ice. Suddenly
from on high a voice booms out "THERE ARE NO FISH HERE!" .Well, it's
true, no fish at all, so Sandy moves to another spot on the ice.

Again, a voice from on high booms out "THERE ARE NO FISH HERE!" and
again, no fish, so she moves on.

As she cuts the next hole the voice comes again "THERE ARE NO FISH
HERE!" - she says timidly "Is that you, God?"

"NO," booms the voice "I JUST MANAGE THE ICE RINK!"

[nilesfunnies] FW: Our first Michael Jackson joke

And the judge said "If you were black I'd have given you 20 years"

--
Niles, Nottingham | Off round France til July
ICQ UIN 12724766 |
| www.niles.org.uk/blog
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[nilesfunnies] Fw: SCIENTISTS DISCOVER NEW ELEMENT

SCIENTISTS DISCOVER NEW ELEMENT

A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the
heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named
"Governmentium". Governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant
neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons,
giving it an atomic mass of 311.

These 311 particles are held together by forces called morons, which
are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called
peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be
detected, as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into
contact.

A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over 4
days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay,
but, instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the
assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since
each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons,
forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some
scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons
reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical
quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass". When catalyzed with
money Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element which
radiates just as much energy, since it has 1/2 as many peons but
twice as many morons.

--
Niles, Nottingham | Off round France til July
ICQ UIN 12724766 |
| www.niles.org.uk/blog
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[nilesfunnies] Your time will come (if it hasn't already!)

Age-activated Attention Deficit Disorder (A.A.A.D.D.)

You decide to wash the car

As you start towards the garage, you notice that there is mail in the hall

You decide to go through the mail before washing the car

You put your keys down on the hall table, put the junk mail in the rubbish
bin, and notice that the bin is full

So, you decide to put the bills back down and take out the rubbish first

But then you think "since I'm going near the post box to take out the
rubbish, I'll pay the bills first"

You get your chequebook and see that there is only 1 cheque left

The new cheque book is in the desk in the study, so you go to the desk where
you find the cup of coffee you'd been drinking

Looking for the chequebook, you must first move aside the coffee, so that
you don't knock it over

Setting the coffee down on the filing cabinet, you find the reading glasses
that you've been looking for all morning

You decide to put them back on the desk, but first you need to water the
flowers

You put the glasses back down on the filing cabinet, and go to the kitchen
for water for the flowers, when you suddenly spot the TV remote, and as
you'll
be looking for this later and won't remember where it is, you decide to put
it back where it belongs, but first you'll water the flowers

You manage to spill some water on the floor while carrying it to the flowers

So you out the remote down and get some cloths to mop up

Then you head off down the hall trying to remember what you were going to do

At the end of the day - the car isn't washed. The bills aren't paid, there
is a cold cup of coffee in the study, the flowers aren't watered, there is
still only 1 cheque left in the book, you can't find the remote, you can't
find your glasses and you don't remember what you did with the car keys

Then you try to work out why nothing got done all day and you're baffled
because you know you were busy all day long and you're really tired!!

--
Niles, Nottingham | Off round France til July
ICQ UIN 12724766 |
| www.niles.org.uk/blog
www.niles.org.uk | www.flickr.com/photos/niles/tags/vadrouille

[nilesfunnies] Fw: An old Glasgow joke:

An old Glasgow joke:

Q: Why are there more Rangers supporters than Celtic supporters?

A: Because it's easier to shout "F*** the Pope!" than "F*** the Moderator
of the General Assembly of the Church of Scotland!".

Thursday, June 09, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: This one for all the ladies.....

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A man came home from work and found his three children outside,
still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes
and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the
house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry,
he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the
throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was
loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn
with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled
on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled
on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile
of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles
of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or
that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the
bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap
and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a
heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in
the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him,
smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and
asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come
home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?"
"Yes," was his incredulous reply. She answered, "Well, today I
didn't do it."

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Is Archbishop Desmond Tutu really the Crazy Frog?

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Is Archbishop Desmond Tutu really the Crazy Frog?

Sounds and looks the same.

Saturday, June 04, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Re: Henrietta

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--------------------------------------------------------------------~->

"Oh look, there's the actress who plays Oedipus's mother"
"Jocasta?"
"No, I leave that to the director!"

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[nilesfunnies] Church Army

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My Dad once met a women who was collecting for the Church Army (a C of E
organization somewhat modelled on TSA). Being of a rather pacifistic outlook
he asked, "Do you find a lot of people are put off by the word 'army' in
your title?" She replied, "Probably not as many as are put off by the word
'church' ." :-)

--
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Friday, June 03, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: It's tough being a man

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It's tough being a man
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat
race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't
work hard enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off
your ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a
job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep
quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.

If you thump her, it's wife bashing. If she thumps you, it's
self-defense.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If
she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If
she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a
pervert. If you don't, you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're
a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're
not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself. If
you're not, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't
love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you're oversexed. If you don't, there must be
someone else.

NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN.....THEY WANT TO!!

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Dreadful jokette from that period:

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Dreadful jokette from Coronation period:

Q: What is Elizabeth's favourite television set ?
A: Philip's 9 inch.

[nilesfunnies] Emo

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"Every Tuesday my ex-wife meets Satan for evil lessons; I don't know how
much she charges him though."

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Well Emo Philips once told of looking for something to eat, late at night,

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Well Emo Philips once told of looking for something to eat, late at night,
on a visit to Dublin- "I had a donor kebab; but my body rejected it"

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Fish Heads

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A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marvelled at the proprietor's quick
wit and intelligence.

"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his
voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and
faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of
them, you'll be positively brilliant."

"You sell them here?" the customer asks.

"Only £4 apiece," says Green.

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining
that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.

"You didn't eat enough, " says Green. The customer goes home with a dozen
more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really
angry.

"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for £4 a piece when I
can buy the whole fish for £2.50. You're ripping me off!"

"You see?" says Green. "You're smarter already."

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Golf

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Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and
found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball
back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the
patch.

All of a sudden.....POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old
woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took
me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't
have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still,
you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.....As
a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of
your life!!!!!

Then POOF!......she was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred,
where are you?" Fred yells back "I'm over here in the pussy willow clump."

Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, Fred; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!"

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Body parts

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Body parts
The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and
she asked the question "When you die and go to Heaven which part of your
body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said "I think it is your hands"
"Why do you think it is your hands Suzy?"
Suzy replied "Because when you pray you hold your hands together in front
of you and God just takes your hands first"
"What a lovely answer!", the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said "Sister, I think it is your feet"
The nun looked at him strangely and said "Little Johnny, why do you think
it would be your feet?"
Johnny said "Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom the other
night, Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying "Oh
God I'm coming!" If Dad hadn't pinned her down we'd have lost her"

The Nun fainted

[nilesfunnies] Fw: An Easy Operation

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Just before his operation a man was seen wheeling himself frantically down
the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair.

A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't
worry. I'm sure it will be all right.'"

"She was just trying to comfort you. What's so frightening about that?"

"But she wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Birthday surprise

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It was Edna's 100th birthday and she was waiting for the postman to call,
she heard the garden gate go and she rushed to the door. "Hello postie"
she said as he handed her some bills. "Anything else for me?" "Nope" said
the postman.

"Oh I thought you might have brought a telegram, it's a special day today"
said Edna, "We don't bring telegrams any more, it's done by a bloke on a
moped" said the postman.

An hour or so later Edna heard the unmistakable sound of a moped so she
rushed to the door and flung it wide..."Have you got a telegram for me?"
she asked hopefully. "Are you Mrs Jones?" said the moped rider. "Yes" said
Edna "It's a special day today, could you do me a favour and sing it to
me" she asked. "Sorry, I'm not allowed to open it, it has to done by the
recipient" said the moped rider. "Well if I open it, will you sing it to
me..it's a once in a lifetime moment" said Edna.

The moped rider took the telegram, read it, and said "Are you sure about
this?"

"Yes, I'm certain" said Edna.

"OK then if you say so" said the rider..."here goes..." - "Da Da Da Da
Da Daaa....Your sister is dead , she fell under a bus ...and they want you
to view the reamainsssssaaaa!"

---- End Forwarded Message ----