Sunday, July 31, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: View of the moon

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If you can't see the moon, click the pic

Saturday, July 30, 2005

[nilesfunnies] cat smilies

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Friday, July 29, 2005

[nilesfunnies] [Fwd: Fw: Categories of international terror alerts]

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Be aware that the French government announced yesterday that it has
raised its terror alert level from RUN to HIDE.

The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate.

The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white
flag factory, effectively paralysing their military capability.

It's not only the French that are on a heightened level of alert,

The Italians have increased their alert level from "shout loudly and
excitedly" to "elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain,
"ineffective combat operations" and "change sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state from "disdainful arrogance"
to "dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They have two higher
levels, "invade a neighbour" and "lose".

Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have gone from
"isolationism" to "find somewhere else in the middle east ripe for
regime change". Their remaining higher alert states are "take on the
world" and "ask the British for help".

Finally here in GB we've gone from "pretend nothing's happening" to
"make another cup of tea". Our higher levels are "remain resolutely
cheerful" and "win".

Thursday, July 28, 2005

[nilesfunnies] [Fwd: Aristocrats]

There's a film coming out called the Aristocrats where hundreds of
American comedians tell the same offensive joke.

Here's Cartman from South Park telling the joke.
(If you want to wait till the movie then don't watch this clip)

[nilesfunnies] [Fwd: Fw: One's for the ladies]

One's for the ladies

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make
you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I
squirted it all over the doorknobs and he couldn't get back in.

A couple are lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world." The woman says, "I'll miss you."

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour.

He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to
you really badly. She said - Well, you've succeeded.

He said 'Shall we try swapping positions tonight?'. She said 'That's a
good idea... you stand by the ironing board and I'll sit on the sofa and

He said 'What have you been doing with all the grocery money that I
gave you?' She said, 'Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes plus foreplay.

[nilesfunnies] Who'd have a jewish mum

Who'd have a jewish mum ...

His mother - a nice, jewish mother - gave him two sweaters for Christmas.

The next time he visited her, he made sure to wear one.

Entering her home, instead of the expected smile, his mother said,
"What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"


Wednesday, July 27, 2005

[nilesfunnies] [Fwd: "promoting education and environmental awareness"]

The Rotary Club of Chatham, New Brunswick, has organised a raffle in aid
of the French Fort Cove Eco-Center, dedicated to "promoting education
and environmental awareness".

First prize is a 4 ton, 6.0 litre V8 Hummer 4x4.


Tuesday, July 26, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: St Peter

St Peter
A priest and a bus driver arrive at the Pearly Gates. St Peter says to the
priest "welcome, you can have the small chair over there, not bad

To the bus driver he says "welcome, have the large comfy chair over there,
the one with the padding"

When hearing this, the priest says to Peter "How come the bus driver gets
the best chair, I have been a priest nearly all my life, I don't think I
deserve this.."

Peter replies: "well, during your services all your congregation
spent their time sleeping. But this bus driver, every time he drove his
bus, all the passengers spent their time praying"

---- End Forwarded Message ----

Monday, July 25, 2005

[nilesfunnies] waxing lyrical

Have you had a Brazilian ?
If so, you should get shot of it.

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | Singing services in St Paul's, London | 1st - 6th August. Evensong 5pm. |

[nilesfunnies] Pearost

I found this on B3ta and thought of you.

[nilesfunnies] Asbos

Linda Smith: "I think these ASBOs get an
unfair press - after all, they're the only qualification some of these
kids are going to get."

Sunday, July 24, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: A few (mild) PC catholic jokes

A few (mild) PC catholic jokes
Two Jesuit novices both wanted a cigarette while they prayed. They decided
to ask their superior for permission. The first asked but was told no. A
little while later he spotted his friend smoking and praying. "Why did the
superior allow you to smoke and not me?" he asked. His friend replied,
"Because you asked if you could smoke while you prayed, and I asked if I
could pray while I smoked!"


A Jesuit, a Dominican, and a Trappist were marooned on a desert island.
They found a magic lamp, and after some discussion decided to rub it. Lo
and behold, a genie appeared and offered them three wishes. They decided
it was only fair that they could each have one wish. The Jezzie said he
wanted to teach at the world's most famous university, and poof, he was
gone! The Dominican wished to preach in the world's largest church, and
poof, he was gone! Then the Trappist said, "Gee, I already got my wish!"


Jesus was walking along one day, when He came upon a group of people
surrounding a lady of ill repute. It was obvious that the crowd was
preparing to stone her, so Jesus made His now-famous statement, "Let the
person who has no sin cast the first stone." The crowd was shamed and one
by one began to turn away. All of a sudden, a lovely little woman made her
way through the crowd. Finally getting to the front, she tossed a pebble
towards the woman. Jesus looks over and says, "I really hate it when you
do that, Mom."


A Jewish couple has a son who is a holy terror. When he gets to be of
age, he's kicked out of every school they put him in. Finally desperate,
the father goes to the Rabbi for advice and the Rabbi says put him in the
Catholic school. Shocked, the father asks if the Rabbi sure. "Yes" is the
reply, so the father takes him to the nuns and leaves.

An hour goes by, then two hours, lunch time and finally at three the son
comes in says "Good afternoon Papa, good afternoon Mama," goes to the
table and starts on his homework. The father is amazed and finally ask why
he stayed in school all day and why he is behaving so well. His son looks
up and says "Papa when you left, the Mother Superior told me that they did
not allow rowdy boys, then she took me to my room. Papa they mean
business! They've got a Jew nailed on a Cross in every room!"


The 98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered
around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They gave her
some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the
glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received
as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount
into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to
her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew
it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother," the
nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die." She
raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, "Don't
sell that cow.

---- End Forwarded Message ----

Friday, July 22, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Blacks of Greenock: Urgent Product Warning

Blacks of Greenock: Urgent Product Warning
If you have recently purchased a backpack from this company, in the
interests of your continued wellbeing, you are advised not to use it
anywhere on London Transport.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Olympic bid

Olympic bid
The people of East London have been successful in their bid to host
the 2012 Olympics. However there has been a request that some on the
events and traditions are modified in order to give the locals a
greater chance of winning medals:

100-metre sprint: - Athletes must complete the course in Barking
High Street with a dvd player under one arm and a microwave under the
other.After 20 metres a Police dog will be released in each lane.

Boxing: - This will be restricted to husband and wife teams and the
final will take place in the local community centre on a saturday
The husband must down at least 12 pints in the Kings Arms before
encountering his wife, where she will announce one of the following
(a) there's **** all for your tea
(b) our Tracey is up the duff
(c) I'm up the duff
(d) Pauline at number 12 is up the duff and she is saying its yours!.

Tug of War: - Chains will be fixed to one of the cash points at the BP
garage in Lower Dagenham and the winning team will be the ones who
can haul it out the quickest.

Equestrian Events: - Horses, ponies, donkeys and assorted nags can
be collected from the fields behind Upton Park and medals will be
awarded for tethering them in the most unusual places.

Walking: - Athletes must be accompanied by a Pitbull Terrier, Doberman,
German Shepherd or Whippet. Ferrets and Pushchairs do not count.

The Olympic flame will also be slightly different. The lighting
ceremony will go ahead in time-honoured tradition by torching a Ford
Escort XR3i.

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | eh up medcuk | |

[nilesfunnies] Fw: London Transport are putting their fares up.

London Transport are putting their fares up.

You'll have to pay and arm and a leg to go by tube,
and the bus fares have gone through the roof.

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | eh up medcuk | |

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: received this in an email last week. Hadn't posted it before now as I


The Leaders of the world are asking for your support to combat terrorism
and we are being encouraged to demonstrate against these terrorists this
Friday at 15:00 hours.

It is a well-known fact that fundamentalist Muslims are against alcohol
consumption and think it is sinful to look at a naked woman.

Therefore, at 15:00 hours this Friday, all women should run naked through
the office while men chase them with a beer in their hands.

This is the best way to show our disgust for fundamentalist interpretation
of religion and will hopefully help us in detecting the terrorists amongst
us, so anybody who does not do as proposed will be deemed a terrorist,
denounced to the world and shot.
Thank you for your co-operation.

Please forward this to your colleagues and friends.

Monday, July 18, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Kid told he must stay drunk & abusive by ASBO

Asbo teen ordered to get legless
By Lester Haines
Published Monday 18th July 2005 14:16 GMT

A Northumberland teenager has been granted every tearway's dream - an
Anti-Social Behaviour Order (Asbo) requiring him to get drunk and "to use
threatening behaviour likely to cause harassment, alarm or distress to
members of the public".

According to UK tabloid the Mirror, the unnamed 15-year-old yobbo was
legally obliged to carry alcohol on the streets of his native Alnwick after
the order rather agreeably substituted the word "without" for the word
"with". Accordingly, the lad was technically in breach of the Asbo if found
terrorising the good burghers of his home town without an alcopop in his

The Asbo was issued last February, but the cock-up was only discovered when
the teen found himself hauled once more before the magistrates for
apparently breaking the conditions of his Asbo, although the case against
him was dismissed because he had, obviously, simply been doing as

An exasperated copper told the Mirror: "It took a long time to bring him to
book and get him before the court in the first place. It is maddening to
spend all that time only for the order then to tell him to go out and
misbehave. It really does beggar belief."

The powers that be are, mercifully, now calling time on the wobbly rascal. A
new Asbo will prevent him from "having alcohol in his possession or being
drunk in public" and/or "causing distress with unruly behaviour".

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | eh up medcuk | |

Saturday, July 16, 2005

[nilesfunnies] London

First Suicide Bomber:
Aye, very passable, that, very passable bit of weapons technology.
Second Suicide Bomber:
Nothing like a good package of high grade military munitions, eh,
Third Suicide Bomber:
You're right there, Hasib.
Fourth Suicide Bomber:
Who'd have thought, thirty month ago today, we'd all be sittin' here
wearing high grade military munitions, eh?
First Suicide Bomber:
In them days we was glad to have a pound of plastic explosive.
Second Suicide Bomber:
A pound of own-brand plastic explosive.
Fourth Suicide Bomber:
Without a fuse or detonator.
Third Suicide Bomber:
Or explosive.
First Suicide Bomber:
With a broken timer.
Fourth Suicide Bomber:
Oh, we never had a timer. We used to have to light the fuse with a
cigarette lighter.
Second Suicide Bomber:
The best we could manage was to strike a used Swan Vesta.
Third Suicide Bomber:
But you know, we were happy in those days, though we were poor.
First Suicide Bomber:
Because we were poor. My old Mullah used to say to me, "Money doesn't
buy you Paradise, son".

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | eh up medcuk | |

Friday, July 15, 2005

[nilesfunnies] OT The World of id cards coming to a post office near you

Scene: The Post Office. When: The not-too-distant future...]

Customer: Hello, I'd like to renew my car tax.

Post Office: Certainly sir. Would you like to speed things
up by using your new identity card?

Customer: Why yes, that would seem to be a jolly fine idea.

PO: Let me just rub it on my jumper and swipe it. Is this
the tax on the clapped-out Astra?

Customer: Yes.

PO: Bit of trouble with the MOT this year I see. Jesus that
wasn't cheap! Still, at least the speeding points come off
your licence in August - that's something to look forward
to. Bloddy hell, that Magistrate really hammered you didn't
he? Probably took exception to that membership of the Young
Communists back in your student days. Six months or twelve?

Customer: I was only in the party for four months...

PO: Not according to this. Actually, I meant the car tax.

Customer: Oh right. Twelve.

PO: How would you like to pay?

Customer: Barclayard.

PO: No, you're up to your limit on that, what about the
Capital One Card?

Customer: I don't have one.

PO: Says here you do... oh hang on... no the bloke using
that is in Glasgow at the moment buying DVD players. He's
run up quite a bill for you there mate. Try the Switch card.

Customer: Here you go.

PO: No, something wrong here, won't let me complete the
transaction. Let's have a look... ah... yes... your TV
licence has expired. Are you going to pay that too?

Customer: Well, I thought I would leave it till next month.

PO: On your head be it. Do you want some Euros while we're
at it? Two weeks in Marbella, eh, you lucky devil. I see
you're flying BA. Good choice.

Customer: Er, yes I'll do that now. Give me 500 in mixed

PO: It'll have to be 200 I'm afraid. The car tax has taken a
bite out of your funds and your monthly ID card purchase fee
direct debit is due out of the account tomorrow. Right,
there you go. Have a nice day sir.

[ Later ... Tesco checkout]

Customer: Hello, can you sell me a one-month travel
insurance policy?

Tesco: Yes sir, let me have your ID card... Thanks. Do you
have any current health problems?

Customer: No, nothing.

Tesco: You sure, sir?

Customer: Yes, why?

Tesco: Well it says here you were at the doctor's last week.

Customer: Oh, that was nothing serious.

Tesco: Let me just... Oh yes, touch of the old Farmer
Giles... No that wont be a problem. Probably sitting on
cheap charter flight seats that's to blame. I see you're
going British Airways this time around, though. Very wise.
Oops, pressed the wrong button. [Picture of Customer's
hideously empiled bottom appears on every plasma screen in
the shop, accompanied by name, address, telephone number and
email address].

Old lady in queue: Oooh they look sore dear. Have you tried

Tesco: I see your car had a bit of a struggle with the MOT.
Garage not keen on Communists?

Customer: Can we just do the travel insurance, and these
frozen peas?

Tesco: Peas? Shall I just check that don't have a genetic
predisposition to pea allergy? It'll only take a minute to
scan your genome... I understand. You're in a bit of a
hurry. Very good sir. Next please.

[Later again ... At the Bank]

Customer: Hello, I'd like to open a deposit account please.

Bank Clerk: Can I see your ID?

Customer: Do I have to?

BC: Yes. It will speed things up and prevent identity theft
while ensuring that only those entitled to state benefits
receive them. And it will prevent all forms of terrorism,
everywhere, for ever.

Customer: Yes of course. Here you go...

BC: Right Sir, how may I help? Would you like a cushion?

Customer: Sorry?

BC: Oh, I just thought... the frozen peas helped then?

Customer: Can we just do the bank account?

BC: Of course sir. Right, you already have a current account
with us but your holiday funds pretty well put paid to that
until payday. Hmmm... Oh dear this Capital One Account is
all over the place and your Barclaycard is at the l


Music is Art - Audio is Engineering
Steam is Fun

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | eh up medcuk | |

[nilesfunnies] Mountbatten

How did they know Mountbatten had dandruff?

They found his head and shoulders on the beach.

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | eh up medcuk | |

Thursday, July 14, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: > There are five places called Ars in France. The s isn't always

A few decades ago, there was a TV program that looked at funny places in
France. There was a classic bit about the village of Montcul, where the
mayor was talking about its narrow and dark alleys, the difficulty to keep
it clean etc...

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Dangerous Minority

It would appear that we have a dangerous group of fanatics living in our
midst. These people want no part of civilised western society, and as we
saw last Thursday, are prepared to bomb their way across London,
presumably chasing some separatist dream. They are a threat to our way of
life, and though some have tried to convince us that the vast majority of
them are peaceful, frankly I doubt this. There's nothing for it. We just
need to kick the fuckers out: they have been here far too long. The
arrests in Leeds today confirm our worst fears. Yes, Yorkshire remains
the threat we always thought it was. Personally, I reckon best way to
slot the buggers is to get together a Muslim jihad-posse from London and
go up there to deal out some serious righteousness. DEATH TO THE TYKE

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Warning London bombing joke

Warning London bombing joke
What's the difference between Cockneys and Smarties

Smarties don't blow up in the tube.

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | eh up medcuk | |

[nilesfunnies] Fw: And seeing as someone else has started....

And seeing as someone else has started....

You wait ages for a bus and then two and half come along.

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | eh up medcuk | |

Sunday, July 10, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: It's very obvious that the bombers knew nothing at all about London.

It's very obvious that the bombers knew nothing at all about London.

Just look at the pattern of the attacks:

Liverpool Street
Russell Square
Edgware Road
Tavistock Square

That's not even valid except on Wednesdays and Bank Holidays, and it
leaves them wide open to Hargreave's manoeuvre which would put them
straight into Nyd.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: What is........

What is........
What is made of gold, and rips teenagers apart in their sleep?


















Freddy Krugerrand


---- End Forwarded Message ----

Thursday, July 07, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Bush Bike Bump Blunder

Yesterday at Gleneagles, President George W. Bush borrowed a bicycle to
go for a ride around the grounds. Unfortunately he lost control of the
vehicle and collided with a police constable. The policeman was taken to
hospital with an ankle injury while the President was treated for minor
hand injuries.

A spokesman for Mr Bush explained, "This is the first time that the
President has ridden a bike without stabilisers."

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | eh up medcuk | |

[nilesfunnies] Fw: > That's *Lord* Coe to you

> That's *Lord* Coe to you

Did you hear the "Do you know who I am" story connected with Lord Coe?

He was invited to something or other at Lord's Cricket Ground, arrived
late and tried to gain admittance. The jobsworth on the gate told him he
was at the wrong gate and needed to go around to the far side. Coe pleaded
to be let in because it would be quicker to cross the ground than to have
to go all the way round. Jobsworth refused.
"Do you know who I am?" demanded Coe.
"No" said Jobsworth, and then, on being told in whose presence he stood,
replied "Well you'll be able to run round the other side all the quicker

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | eh up medcuk | |

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Variant on a very old theme..

Variant on a very old theme..
Mrs. Parks, a 6th grade science teacher, asked her class, "Which human
body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should
not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my
parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!"

She then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is
she gonna get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part
that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy." Then she turned to Mary and
continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: First, you
have a dirty mind. Second, you didn't read your homework. And third, one
day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed.

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Long post. Can a poem about ducks and hens be politically incorrect?

The Fable of the Ducks and the Hens
by George Lincoln Rockwell

Many, many years ago
When animals could speak,
A wondrous thing the ducks befell;
Their tale is quite unique.

Down by a pond dwelt all these ducks
Ten thousand at the least
Their duckish joys were undisturbed
By any man or beast.

One day down near the entrance gate
There was an awful din
A hundred hens all out of breath
Were begging to come in.

"Oh let us in" these poor birds cried
"Before we do expire!
'Tis only by the merest inch
That we escaped the fire!"

Their feathers burned, their combs adroop
They were the saddest sight.
They'd run a hundred miles or more,
All day and then all night.

"Come in! Come in!" the ducks all quacked,
"For you our hearts do bleed!
We'll share our happy lot with you;
Just tell us what you need!"

And so these poor bedraggled hens
Amongst the ducks moved in.
"For after all," the ducks declared,
"We're sisters 'neath the skin."

Before too many months had lapsed,
The hens were good as new.
They sent for all their rooster friends,
And those were welcomed too.

To please their hosts, these chickens tried
To waddle and to quack.
To imitate the duckish ways,
They quickly learned the knack.

This pleased the flock of ducks because
It gratified their pride.
But hear my tale and learn how they
Got taken for a ride.

The ducks, it seemed, spent all their time
In fixing up the place,
In growing food and building homes
And cleaning every space.

They asked the hens what they would do
To earn their daily bread.
"We'll teach and write and entertain
And buy and sell," they said.

And so these hens began to teach
The baby ducks and chicks.
They traded food and eggs and things,
With many clever tricks.

They wrote great books and put on shows
Of genius they'd no lack.
It wasn't long till chickens owned
The Duckville Daily Quack.

One day a mother duck who took
Her ducklings to the lake,
Was flabbergasted when one said,
"A swim I will not take!"

"Why duckling's always swim" she gasped,
"It's what you're built to do!
Like bunnies hop, and crickets chirp,
And cows most always moo!"

"You're nuts!" her son replied,
"That stuff is all old hat!
It's wrong for birds to swim, besides
It's damn cold on my prat!"

"Oh fie!" the mother duck exclaimed,
"You're talking like a fool!"
Up quacked the other ducklings then:
"He's right! We learned in school!"

"Such talk must stop!" the mother cried,
"Those hens can't tell such lies!
For sheer ingratitude and nerve,
I'm sure this takes the prize!"

But she was wrong, for even then
The hens did thump the tub
Demanding they be let into
The Duckville Swimming Club.

"But you don't swim!" the ducks exclaimed,
"To join, why should you care?"
"That's not the point" the hens replied,
"To exclude us isn't fair!"

The younger ducks, who'd been to school
Agreed right there and then:
"To keep them out is bigotry!
'Twould just be anti-hen!"

Outnumbered by the younger ducks,
The old ducks soon did lose.
The hens could join the Swimming Club,
If they would pay the dues.

That night the Duckville Daily Quack
Contained this banner spread:

Down at the Duckville Gaity,
The young set laughed with glee,
At cracks about "old fuddy ducks"
In burlesque repartee.

Next day the hens were at the Club;
A petition they'd sent round
They objected to the Swimming Fund
With fury and with sound.

"You use our dues to fix the pond,
To keep it neat and trim
And this is wrong" they said, "because
You know we do not swim!"

"God help us!" exclaimed a wise old duck,
"Those chickens have gone mad!
We'll take this thing to court, by George!
And justice will be had!"

But when they went before the judge,
Imagine their dismay!
A chicken judge decreed that they
A heavy fine must pay!

"Minorities must have their rights!"
The judge declared right then
"To use hens' dues to fix the pond
Is very anti-hen!"

Once more the Duckville Daily Quack
Emblazoned 'cross the page:

In Duckville's church, on Sunday morn
The preacher spoke these words:
"Discrimination's got to stop!
Remember, we're all birds!"

The wisest duck in all the town
Sat down in black despair
"I'll write a book," he thought, "and then
This madness I will bare!"

"Let swimmers swim, let hoppers hop,
Let each go his own way
Let none coerce a fellow bird!"
Was what he had to say.

"'Twas wrong to force the hens to swim,
So here's the problem's crux:
It's just as bad for hens to try
To chickenize our ducks!"

"I can't print that" the printer said
"'Twill put me in a mess!
My shop is mortgaged to the hens
The chickens own my press!"

This worried duck then tried to warn
His friends by speech and pen,
But young ducks fresh from school just jeered,
"He's a vicious anti-hen!"

Now up the stream a little way
Was Gooseville, on the lake
The hens had come to Gooseville too,
But the geese were more awake.

When the hens began to spoil the young
And Gooseville's laws to flout,
The geese rose up in righteous wrath
And simply threw them out.

Of course you know where they all ran;
On Duckville they converged
"We've got to take these refugees"
Was what the ducks all urged.

The Duckville Daily Quack declared:
"Those geese will stop at naught!
They plan to conquer all the world!
Atrocities they've wrought!"

"That's right!" the young ducks all agreed,
"We'll help our fellow birds!
Those geese have plans to conquer us!
We've read the Quack's own words!"

They let the hens from Gooseville in,
The whole bedraggled pack
And every hen took up a job
On Duckville's Daily Quack.

When Duckville's Mayor's term was up,
The Quack put up its duck;
A vain and stupid duck he was,
A veritable cluck!

But when he praised the wild young ducks
And cursed the evil geese,
The Quack declared he was "all-wise"
His praise would never cease.

The hens chipped in to help this cluck
Give grain away for free
The old ducks sadly shook their heads,
The writing they could see.

And sure enough, this stupid duck,
He was elected Mayor
From this point on, the Duckville ducks,
They never had a prayer.

The Mayor said, "Gooseville must go!
We'll wipe them off the map!"
While Duckville slept, the scheming hens
For Gooseville set a trap.

They called the geese by filthy names;
They filled their pond with sticks
They helped the weasels catch the geese,
And other hennish tricks.

The geese got mad and threw some rocks,
"IT'S WAR!" the Quack announced:
"We ducks must fight those evil geese
Till they've been soundly trounced!"

The ducks (who knew not of the tricks
Indulged in by the Mayor)
Were filled with patriotic zeal,
And pitched right in for fair.

Now when the ducks had whipped the geese
The Mayor called "Retreat!
Our Henville friends should really take
Goosevilles's big main street!"

The hens are back in Gooseville now;
They starved and beat the geese
They prayed for peace but organized
The Henville Armed Police.

They drained the Gooseville swimming pond;
And 'De-goose-ified' the schools,
They wrung the neck of Gooseville's Mayor
On lately made up rules.

They formed a council of the hens,
'United Birds' the name
The other birds who joined the thing
Did not perceive their game.

No sooner had they set this up,
Than they announced their plan
To seize up Swanville as a home
For all their hennish clan.

They took a vote amongst the hens,
And every one approved!
"Swanville was for hens!" they said,
"Way back, before we moved."

And so they kicked the swans all out
With Duckville's help and power
And Duckville could not understand
Why swans on them turned sour.

By this time, Duckville was a mess;
The young ducks had gone mad
They stole and laughed at truth and law
They'd gone completely bad.

The hens were selling loco weed
In every nasty den
But ducks who dared to mention this
Were labelled 'anti-hen.'

The hens all preached of 'Tolerance';
They invoked the 'Golden Rule'
But they subsidized the indigent,
The greedy and the fool.

At last the very dumbest ducks
Began to smell a rat
"This Mayor is no good" they cried
"And we will soon fix that!"

But the hens had planned for even this
A candidate they had,
Whom even wise old ducks believed
Just never could be bad.

This hen-tool duck had whipped the geese;
A soldier duck was he
Although the hens had set him up,
The ducks all thought him free.

This hen-tool got elected,
Through ignorance and greed,
Through hennish lies in press and speech
And bribes of 'chicken feed.'

The hens now kicked the ducks around,
Without a blush of shame
Until the Mayor ran the town
In nothing else but name.

They pumped the swimming pond all dry;
They taught the ducks to crow
While duckish numbers dwindled,
The hens began to grow.

The hens stirred up the happy crows
From out the piney wood
To fight and mix and marry ducks
In the name of 'Brotherhood.'

Things got so bad that fifty ducks
Who knew of days gone by,
Took up their wives and children
And decided that they'd fly.

They flew through storm and tempest;
They froze, and many died
But on they drove, until at last
A lovely lake they spied.

They settled down exhausted,
But soon went straight to work
To build and clear and cultivate,
No danger did they shirk.

Now after many years of toil,
This little band had grown
The fields around were full of grain
From seeds that they had sown.

The first ducks now were long since dead;
Their struggles long had ceased
Through hard work and through suffering
Their joys had been increased.

One day down near the entrance gate
There was an awful din
A hundred hens, all out of breath,
Were begging to come in.

"Oh, let us in!" the poor birds cried,
"Before we do expire!
'Tis only by the merest inch..."

This epic really has no end because
No matter how you fight 'em,
Those hens will show up every time
And so... ad infinitum.

George Lincoln Rockwell was the head of the American Nazi Party. He
believed all black Americans should be deported and that all Jewish people
should be dispossessed and sterilised.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: CHALK ONE UP FOR THE OLD GUY


An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday
evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweller he
was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring and
showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000," the jeweller

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By
cheque and I know you need to make sure that my cheque is good, so I'll
write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds. I'll
pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweller phoned the old man.

"There's no money in that account."

"I know." said the old man, "But can you imagine the weekend I just had?"

---- End Forwarded Message ----

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Re: Live8

8-year-old: Mummy, what's the Kama Sutra?
Mummy, somewhat taken aback, explains as best she can
8-y-o: yes, I do understand that, but I still don't understand why
they made King John Sign it.

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | eh up medcuk | |

[nilesfunnies] Re: marzipan

My younger brother once went off on an expedition with the Army
cadets. Mum packed for him, and took care to include two sheets of
writing paper, a pen and a stamped addressed envelope.

Eventually, a letter reached the family home. It read: "Dear Mum,
I'm fine. Why did you pack two sheets of paper?"

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | eh up medcuk | |

[nilesfunnies] Fw: One day, a boy, raised in a computer-professional information

One day, a boy, raised in a computer-professional information
technology family, asks his Dad, "Daddy, how was I born?"

His Dad thinks for a while, sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I guess
one day you would have to find out anyway!

"Well, you see son, your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a

We entered into a secure folder, where your mother agreed to a
download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered
that neither one of us had a firewall, but it was too late to hit the
Delete button.

Six weeks later, your Mom sent me an instant message saying that her
operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity
from a self extracting file which had implanted itself in her operating

Then, nine months later, a little Pop-Up appeared and said:
'You've Got Male!"

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Eight again

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.???

"I'd love to be eight again." she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl
of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park.

What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear,
the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling
and her stomach felt upside down.

Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband
ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing Chocolate

Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hotdog,
popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favourite lolly and M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed

He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,
"Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

"I meant my dress size, you f*ckin tw*t"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it

Niles, Nottingham | Off round France til July
ICQ UIN 12724766 |
| |

[nilesfunnies] OT: Limerick

There was an old codger from Lime
Who married three wives at a time.
When asked, "Why the third?"
He replied, "One's absurd,
And bigamy, sir, is a crime!"

Niles, Nottingham | Off round France til July
ICQ UIN 12724766 |
| |

Monday, July 04, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: "Sitting back, blinded by the torrent of snowflakes against the

"Sitting back, blinded by the torrent of snowflakes against the
window, yet completely safe under electronic control, Jan finally
faced up to what was disturbing him. There, right before him, was the
evidence. The circle of tiny holes around the centre of the steering
wheel. Monitoring his breath. He could not drive and escape them.
Inlets to an analyser that detected the parts per million of alcohol
on his breath, that only permitted him to drive the car when he was
legally sober. An intelligent idea to prevent accidents: an
insinuating, humiliating idea when viewed as part of the bigger
picture of continuous observation.

This, and his other personal data, were stored in the car's memory,
could be transmitted to the highway computer - and from there to the
Security memory banks. A record of his breath, his drinking, his
reaction time, where he drove - whom he drove with. And when he went
home the Security cameras in the garage and halls would follow him
carefully to his front door - and beyond. While he watched TV the set
would be watching back, an invisible policeman gazing out from the

His phone monitored, indetectable bugs planted in the wiring. Find
and remove them - if possible - and his voice would within the room
would then be monitored by focussing a laser beam on the glass of his
windows. Data and more data would be continuously fed to some hidden
secret file - where all the rest of the facts of his life were
already recorded.

He had never thought seriously about it before, but he realized for
the first time that he existed as two people. The flesh and blood
person, and the duplicate electronic file. His birth had been
recorded as well as all pertinent medical information. His education,
his dental record, financial record and purchases. What books he
bought, what presents he gave. Was it all on file somewhere? With a
sinking feeling he realized that it probably was...

...And nothing he could do about it. He had tried, done his bit for
the resistance, helped in a small way. But now if was over. Raise his
head and it would be chopped off. Life wasn't that bad. Be glad he
wasn't a prole, condemned to that existence for all the days of his

Must he stop? Couldn't it be changed? But even as the rebellious
thoughts possessed him he realized that his heartbeat had increased,
the muscles in his arm tensed as he made an inadvertent fist.
Physiological changes that could be monitored, observed, considered.

He was a prisoner in an invisible cell. Make one step out of it and
it would be the end.

For the first time in his life he had the realization what freedom
was, what he did not have. What lack of liberty was all about."

(Extract from Homeworld by Harry Harrison, 1980.)

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Re: Live8

Bishop Dom Header Camara put it: "When I served the poor, they
called me a saint. When I asked why they were poor, they called me a

Niles, Nottingham | Off round France til July
ICQ UIN 12724766 |
| |

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Elephant books

Elephant books
Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant:

The French book: ‘The Sex Life Of The Elephant’
or: ‘1000 Ways To Cook Elephant’

The English book: ‘Elephants I Have Shot On Safari’

The Welsh book: ‘The Elephant And Its Influence On Welsh Language’ And
or: ‘Oes Ysgol Tocynnau Eleffant Llanfairpwll Nhadau Coeden’

The American book: ‘How To Make Bigger And Better Elephants’

The Japanese book: ‘How To Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants’

The Greek book: ‘How To Sell Elephants For A Lot Of Money’

The Finnish book: ‘What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People?’

The German book: ‘A Short Introduction To Elephants, Vol.1–6’

The Icelandic book: ‘Defrosting An Elephant’

The Swiss book: ‘Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went With
His Elephants’

The Canadian book: ‘Elephants: A Federal Or Provincial Issue?’

The Swedish book: ‘How To Reduce Your Taxes With An Elephant’

A Scots one: How to win at polo.

Another French one: Hoe to profit from CAP by farming elephants

Spanish one: Profiting from Elephants' Holiday Homes

An African one: What is an Elephant?

A Belgian one: Famous Belgian Elephants

Sunday, July 03, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: New Countdown Theme

New Countdown Theme

[nilesfunnies] Fw: A furniture dealer from Newfoundland

A furniture dealer from Newfoundland decided that he wanted to expand the
line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what
he could find. After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip ever to
the French capital), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a
line that he thought would sell well back home in Newfoundland.

To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and
have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the
small place was quite crowded, and that the one other chair at his table
was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked
him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward
the chair. He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in
English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes
of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of
a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of
wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin,
and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left
the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing
romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin
and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to
dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a
four-poster bed. To this day, he has no idea how she figured out he was in
the furniture business.

Friday, July 01, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling even

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event.

It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal.
Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer comes to him and
says, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this
He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has.
you do, don't let him get you in this hold. If he does, you're finished!
" The wrestler nods in agreement.

Now, to the match . . . the American and the Russian circle each other
several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian
lunges forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded
pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment goes up from the crowd, and the
trainer buries his face in his hands for he knows all is lost. He can't
watch the ending.

Suddenly, there's a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer
raises his eyes just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air.
The Russian's back hits the mat with a thud, and the American weakly
collapses on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

The trainer is astounded. When he finally gets the American wrestler
alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has
ever done it before!" The wrestler answers, "Well, I was ready
to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened
my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I
had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out
my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.

"You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"

Niles, Nottingham | Off round France til July
ICQ UIN 12724766 |
| |