Friday, September 30, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Baptists

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He
said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A
Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said,
"Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I
said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said,
"Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or
Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern
Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative
Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great
Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or
Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He
said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of
1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: I found this amusing

I get loads of "Do you ejaculate too quickly" emails,
probably a dozen per day. But it's usually too late by
the time I've clicked on them.

[nilesfunnies] Fw:

A Life-size 360 degree replica of Stonehenge, as it was constructed 4000
years ago. The replica, as featured in Five's Stonehenge-The Ultimate
Experiment - Live on Monday 20th and Tuesday 21st June, is made of 171
hand-crafted polystyrene 'stones' which vary in size up to approximately
5X2X2 metres each. The full replica of the famous ancient monument, the
making of which featured in the Radio Times this week, reaches a diameter
of 30 metres and weighs approximately 6 - 10 tonnes.

Buyer To collect.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: > What's that one?

Two bods in a pub get around to comparing jobs. One says he is a Turd
Inspector. "Nonsense" says the other bod, "there is no such job."

"Yes there is, come to the bank in the High Street at midday tomorrow and
you will see an open manhole. Look inside and you will see me working."

So the other bod does this and sure enough, in the manhole is the TI.

"Come down and join me" says the TI "and I will show you what I do."

The other bod climbs down and watches the TI fish out turds and sort them
into various piles. "What are you doing?" he says.

"I am monitoring when people crap, according to their lifestyle. Look,
there is a metal worker's turd, it has metal filings in it. There is a
woodworker's turd, it has wood shavings in it. There is a gay man's turd,
it is concave at one end!"

"That is disgusting, I'm going" says the other bod.

"Wait a moment, I want to show you my wife's turd."

"How can you identify that?"

"Hang on . . . . ah, there it is, it has my sandwiches tied to it."

Monday, September 26, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Cynics

Cynical is what the naive call the experienced...

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | Nitroglycerin | is extremely temperamental |

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Not really a joke, but can this all be true?

Have a history teacher explain this----- if they can.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Now hang on to your seat.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln' made by 'Ford.'

Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here's the kicker...

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

[nilesfunnies] up

And when they were up they were up
And when they were down they were down
And when they were only half way up...I got arrested

(Spike Milligan)

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | Nitroglycerin | is extremely temperamental |

[nilesfunnies] Duck tape

Grandfather is sitting rocking on his porch when his little grandson
walks past holding some duct tape.

"Hey there, sonny!" says the grandfather. "Where are you going with that
duct tape?"

"I'm going to get myself a duck."

"You don't get a duck with duct tape..."

The little boy just smiles and later that day walks back past the
grandfather holding a duck.

The next day, the little boy walks past his grandfather holding some
chicken wire.

"Hey there, sonny! Where are you going with that chicken wire?"

"I'm going to get myself a chicken..."

The grandfather frowns bemusedly, but later that day the little boy
walks back past him holding a chicken.

The following day the little boy walks past his grandfather holding some
pussy willow. The grandfather leaps out of his rocking chair.

"Hold on there, sonny! I'm coming right with you..."

Friday, September 23, 2005

Re: [nilesfunnies] OT: Pun

Deferred gratification the pleasure a cat gets from having a shave

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

A good pun is its own reword.

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | Nitroglycerin | is extremely temperamental |

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Kate Moss

has a retro chic perfume endorsement to replace the contracts she's just
lost. she going to be promoting Charlie.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Full marks to Kathleen Blanco.

Full marks to Kathleen Blanco.

'The Louisiana governor, Kathleen Blanco, urged up to 500,000 residents
of the state's south-west coast to flee north. She warned anyone who
refused to leave that they should take steps to aid their own
post-mortem identifications. "Perhaps they should write their social
security numbers on their arms with indelible ink," she said.'

[nilesfunnies] Fw: The Pope complained about a film in which Gina Lollobrigida appeared naked -

The Pope complained about a film in which Gina Lollobrigida appeared naked
- he said it was obscene. She replied that she was wearing a body-stocking
- so it wasn't obscene, it just /looked/ obscene.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Donald Rumsfeld is giving President Bush

Donald Rumsfeld is giving President Bush his daily briefing. He concludes
by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident'

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as
the President sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up and

''How many is a Brazillion ??!'

[nilesfunnies] Fw: In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very
proud of it.

Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make
sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's
undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make the
proper "final" arrangements.

As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following
inscription engraved on her tombstone:


Not long after, the old maid died peacefully.

A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to
prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite
apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for
the wording that she had chosen.

He thought long and hard about how he could fulfil the old maid's final
request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece
of stone.

For days, he agonised over the dilemma.

But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with
what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.

The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it
read as follows:


[nilesfunnies] Fw: Psychopath Test

Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the
bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads:

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did
not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her
dream guy, so much that she fell in love with him right there; but never
asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed
her sister.

Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?

[Give this some thought before you answer]

Scroll down...

Answer: She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again.

If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a
test by a famous American psychologist used to test if one has the same
mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test
and answered the question correctly.

If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.

If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you
off my email list...

[nilesfunnies] Fw: 3 nuns went to heaven.

3 nuns went to heaven.

Old or new I've just seen this one for the first time <g>

(This is an audio joke, better told out loud)

At the gate, St Peter said they could come in - but as a reward for having
led absolutely blameless lives, he would allow them all to return to Earth
in the body of anyone, living or dead (ie past or present), at any time of
their (past) lives, for 6 months.

The first thought a bit, and said she would like to be Sophia Loren, at
the height of her affair with - ??whoever it was?? This was granted to

The second thought, and as she was a bit more modern, she wanted to be
Madonna, the pop-star one, at the time of filming her "Sex" video.
And this was granted to her.

The third said she would like to return as Sara Pippillinni.
St Peter frowned, got her to repeat it, and checked the books of all the
living and dead. No Sara Pippillinni.
After some time, he told her, "Sister, you have made a mistake, there was
no Sara Pippillinni."

Without a word, the nun took a press-cutting from her robes, and St Peter
read, "Sahara Pipeline. Laid by 6000 men in 6 months"

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] New Orleans cat

Non-human victim of New Orleans disaster:


Thursday, September 22, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: A better-than-average blonde joke...

A better-than-average blonde joke...

A blonde girl calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and
help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to
get it started".

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger".

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets
him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then
turns to her and says:

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger".

He takes her hand and says, Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then...."

he sighed,










>"...let's put all these Frosties back in the box"!

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Season summary

What follows is a complete synopsis of Season 3 of '24' -- with many
spoilers -- so if you intend watching it and haven't yet, look away now.

Season summary
I found this online - I don't know who wrote it. It's a complete summary
of Season 3.


Title Sequence


CTU: Virus! Will kill us all!
Bad guys: You will release Ramon Salazar!
CTU: Oh no we won't
Bad guys: Oh yes you will
CTU: Oh no we won't
Bad guys: Oh yes you will
CTU: Oh no we won't
Bad guys: Oh yes you will etc.


Jack: I shall lead Ramon in a prison break
Ramon: Thanks Jack, now I'm going to kill you
Hector (Ramon's idiot brother): Oh no you won't. Jack's been working for
Audience: WTF?
Ramon: WTF?
Tony: Only kidding. He's a double agent! Duh!


Jack: Hombres, what say we go get a killer virus and make major dollars
off it?
Hector: Sounds good
Ramon: I'm not sure
Hector: Why not?
Ramon: Don't question me ho! *shoots Hector*


For no good reason, Nina Myers turns up.


Audience: Oh my god! Perhaps finally they will explain all the German
references and pick up on the Max storyline and Mandy and a Centre of
Terrorist Operations ooh ooh ooh
Jack: *shoots Nina*


Xenophobic US writers: OK, we need two bad guys, the first can be
Ukraninan and the second can be British cause we hate the Brits whoo!
Wait, a second, why would he be Ukraninan? Who cares, give him a British

Ukranian Amador: Hello Jack, I shall remain aloof from you whilst we
negotiate the virus culminating in a ridiculous chase where you will
capture me and I will give out a tantalising detail that shall make this
whole scenario...well it's still pretty pointless.
Amador: He said I should be afraid of you.
Jack: Good enough...*explodes Amador*


Saunders: I'm British and I'm evil! I rock! Whoo me! Yeah I'm cool! Whoo!
Man all this terrorising has made me thirsty, I think I'll have some
Pointless henchman: Want it ice cold?
where I am....


Meanwhile at CTU...

Chloe: I'm whiny and bitchy and have about as much tact as being hit with
a brick in the face repeatedly. I'll have a stupid storyline about a baby.
Adam: hi, I'm Adam Kaufman...I'm a plot line that never happened but my
sister will die because of the virus.
Kim: Hi, my name's Kim Bauer. You may remember me from such episodes as
"Hey my mother's lost her memory" and "My leg's caught in a cougar trap".
I'm as surprised as you are that I can actually use a computer. I have sex
with Chase but you never see it.
Gael: Hi. I'm going to pretend to be a mole, then the writers will ignore
me then they'll kill me off. USA!USA!

Tony: Jeez Ryan, who would have thought that refurbishing CTU after the
bomb last season would have been so expensive?
Chapelle: I know. Now we can only afford a team of incompetents. As
payment, Jack gets to shoot me.
Tony: Bummer. Over to Michelle.

Michelle: Thanks Tony. I'm at the Chandler Plaza Hotel where Saunders has
released a vial of the unstoppable killing virus. That's right, we were
tantalisingly too late. Cue ridiculous lines about
FAMILIES!!!!!CHILDREN!!!!OLD PEOPLE!!!!!IMMIGRANTS!!!!!!!!!!! Fortunately,
although it will take 7 EPISODES to determine this, despite being next to
the blast and not wearing a hazmat suit and being in close contact with
everyone else who has the virus, I will survive. Someone escapes and
starts spreading the virus but we'll ignore it because it's complicated.
Back to the studio.

Saunders: Not so fast! *Grabs Michelle with an evil laugh* Hey, Tony. I
got your wife!
Tony: Hey Stephen, I got your daughter!
Saunders: Dammit! Despite my ridiculously carefully devised plan that has
taken me 3 years to sort out, I shall inexplicably care about my daughter
who I never see and have failed to send to another country where the virus
won't be released.
Tony: Ok, let's swap. In doing so, I will be prosecuted for treason.
Because that's not ridiculous.
Saunders: Fine, but I'll probably get killed.
*The swap goes down but Stephen's daughter changes her mind halfway
through. Saunders then appears encouraging her, failing to notice that
CTU, the police and the Army are everywhere. They capture Saunders by
sending two F18s to blow up his chopper. This is cool.*
Saunders: Dammit! I shall now tell you all the details of my fiendshly
intricate plot. I was going to release the virus! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Audience: WTF? We already knew said that in Episode
Jack: Wait a minute. That won't work, we're only 23 episodes in.
Saunders: Ooookkk...Well one of the guys with the virus can't be found. Go
get him.
Jack: We do not have the 11th vial (because 11 isn't a stupid no.) repeat
we do not have the 11th vial!
*Gael's vengeful wife arrives and shoots Saunders*
Audience: Dang, that was stupid.


Chase: Hi, I'm pointless. I'll attach the last vial to my arm in a
desperate bid for attention.
Jack: You're an idiot. Now I have to chop your arm off.
Chase: WTF?
Jack: And put the vial in a fridge seconds before it explodes.
Audience: *quoting* "CTU: Virus! Will kill us all!" How come they can stop
it by putting it IN A FRIDGE??
Jack: Ask me no questions, I AM JACK!
Random announcer: Jack Bauer, you just saved LA from a third deadly day.
What are you going to do now?
Jack:I'm going to break down and cry. *He does so. Seriously. He cries.
Since when does Jack have emotions?*


Audience: Well that was totally aniclimatic...but what about Palmer?
Palmer: I managed to get involved in a Murder One case where I held
evidence from the police to protect my scheming back stabbing wife from a
murder charge. I called her in because I am an idiot. My brother, Wayne,
(who looks just like me but with a beard) his ex girlfriend's husband was
killed in this case resulting in her being laden with a murder charge so
she killed herself and Sherri. My political opponent then threatened me
with the knowledge that I had witheld information. As such, I will not be
standing as president.
Audience: Blah blah blah. you're wasting valuable Jack time!

Jack: Actually that's it.
Audience: What the fu..


---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Golf club

Linford Christie goes into a golf club and the man at the reception,
looking a bit embarrassed, says "Sorry sir, we don't let black people play
here. There's another club ten minutes down the road that might help."

"But I'm Linford Christie!" he says.

"Alright then, five minutes down the road."

Friday, September 16, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: The Ashes

The Ashes
Who was the last english person
to fuck an aussie and
bring back the ashes?...

... Paula Yates

[nilesfunnies] Fw: A true story...

Customer to Cashier (whilst pointing to notice on counter): "That's
not right, that's disgusting, that's bang out of order that is. You can't
say "Nigger".

Cashier: That, Madam, relates to a country in West Africa called Niger
where there is a famine and you are invited to make donations to relieve
the crisis.

Customer: I don't care, it's still bang out of order. (Walks off
complaining to anybody who will listen)

[nilesfunnies] Fw: New Orleans

Disney are making a new
underwater film based
in New Orleans. It's
called 'finding negro'

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Irish Sausages

Irish Sausages
Bloke goes in shop and asks for Irish Sausages.

The Assistant looked at him and asked "Are you Irish?"

"If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?

Would ya, ay? Would Ya?"

The assistant says, "Well no".

"And if I asked you for some Bourbon Whiskey, would you ask me if I
was American? What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't,"

With self-indignation, the man says, "Well, all right then, why did you
ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish Sausages?"

The Assistant replies, "Because you're at Homebase."

[nilesfunnies] Bush

Q. What does Bush think of Roe v. Wade?
A. He really doesn't give a shit how people get out of New Orleans.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Orange

A little Catholic boy is playing in the streets in Belfast, when he
comes across an orange sash lying in the street. Not knowing any
better, he puts it on and runs home.

When he gets home, his father is working in the garden:

"In the name of Jesus, what's that thing round your neck?" says his
irate father.

"Get upstairs to your room and take it off this instant".

So the little boy runs upstairs, there he meets his mother.

"Saints preserve us, what have you got on?" says his indignant

"Take that thing off and put it in the bin in the back garden immediately.

So the little boy turns round, runs down the stairs and goes out
into the back garden, there he meets his grandfather:

"Holy Mary Mother of God, what on earth is that you're wearing?"
says his embittered grandfather.

"Take that back to where you found it, this minute!"

The little boy says:

"F*!k me, I've only been an Orangeman for 10 minutes and I've been
re-routed three times already."

---- End Forwarded Message ----


[nilesfunnies] Fwd: from PopBitch

About seven years ago, mate and I attended a friend's rather lush
wedding to a rather lush (and wealthy) bint. Country church, all
the twee trimmings, but all of us in uniform and a full guard of
honour (eight junior sailors bedecked in medals, boots, belt and
gaiters...and uniforms, o'course) Wedding ran late so the asked
their Guard Commander, a stern, loud Chief Petty Officer, if they
could have a snout down the side of the church. Whilst gone,
events sped up and both bride and groom arrived in quick
succession, causing the assembled congregation to hurriedly go
inside and take to the pews, leaving the young lads stranded
behind the bridal procession. With military initiative, they filed
back and came through the front side doors by the altar, directly
in front of the events, shuffling along embarrassed. As silence
fell, the last one emerged, still wearing his cap. From the back
of the church, the Guard Commander started, in a rising tone:
"Remove your headgear in the house of the Lord! YOU C*NT!"

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

[nilesfunnies] the parrot and the dog

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she
had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the
key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter,
and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But,
whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he
discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But,
just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the
repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant
yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't
contain himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Re: [nilesfunnies] OT: Joke

>Walking across a meadow I stopped to pick a buttercup. Now why would someone
>leave a buttock lying around in a meadow?

"Excuse me, have you seen any lady picnickers up here?"

"No, madam. Where did you take them off?"

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | Nitroglycerin | is extremely temperamental |

[nilesfunnies] Chirac leaves hospital after week

"I am now going to go home and resume my activities. My doctors have told me
to be sensible for a week."

That'll be a first then.

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | Nitroglycerin | is extremely temperamental |

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Breaking News


Liverpool Council have sent two planes of LFC fans to New Orleans to help
with the looting

[nilesfunnies] An apology

Popular 60s beat combo "The Animals" have issued an apology.

Apparently, there isn't a house in New Orleans.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: A better version:

Five black men in purple dinner jackets and bow ties were found today
under a pier in New Orleans.

DNA tests later revealed them to be The Drifters.

Friday, September 09, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: yeah yeah I know you've heard them before, but...

yeah yeah I know you've heard them before, but...

1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas
bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high
for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the
gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily

2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami
in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing
her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)

3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van,
because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and
they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was
rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman
commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

5) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and
asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he
didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown
his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

6) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience
with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week
to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled.
"He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in
the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)

---- End Forwarded Message ----

Thursday, September 08, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: From .net mailing list

>From .net mailing list

Top five random kitten sites

Cute cute cute (

Kitten war (

Punk kittens

Bonsai kitten (it's not real!!!) (

Cute and out in the wild (

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

[nilesfunnies] youth

1st Actress: How do you keep your youth?

2nd Actress: I lock him in the bedroom!

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | Nitroglycerin | is extremely temperamental |

[nilesfunnies] Onion coverage of New Orleans disaster

Louisiana National Guard Offers Help By Phone From Iraq

BAGHDAD—The 4,000 Louisiana National Guardsmen stationed in Iraq,
representing over a third of the state's troops, called home this week
to find out what, if any, help they could offer Katrina survivors from
overseas. "The soldiers wanted to know if they could call 911 for
anyone, or perhaps send some water via FedEx," said Louisiana National
Guard spokesman Lt. Col. Pete Schneider. The Guardsmen also "would love
to send generators, rations, and Black Hawk helicopters for rescue
missions," but, said Schneider, "we desperately need these in Iraq to
stay alive." Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld praised the phone
support, but noted that it would take months to transfer any equipment
from Iraq to New Orleans, saying, "You fight a national disaster with
the equipment you have."

Government Relief Workers Mosey In To Help

FEMA representatives call out to survivors, "Show us your tits for
emergency rations!"

NEW ORLEANS—Federal Emergency Management Agency director Michael Brown,
leading a detachment of 7,500 relief workers, moseyed on down to New
Orleans Monday afternoon. "Well, I do declare, it's my job to see if any
of these poor folks need any old thing," Brown said from his command
rocker on the command post porch, adding, "Mighty hot day, ain't it?"
Follow-up teams of emergency relief workers are expected to begin
ambling into the Gulf Coast region as early as this weekend. "They
should be getting the trucks good and warmed up anytime now, and they'll
be cruising into town just as soon as all the reservists stroll in,"
said Brown, who is currently at his desk awaiting offers of food, water,
and evacuation buses to roll in from "somewhere or other."

Refugees Moved From Sewage-Contaminated Superdome To Hellhole Of Houston

HOUSTON—Evacuees from the overheated, filth-encrusted wreckage of the
New Orleans Superdome were bussed to the humid, 110-degree August heat
and polluted air of Houston last week, in a move that many are
resisting. "Please, God, not Houston. Anyplace but Houston," said one
woman, taking shelter under an overpass. "The food there is awful, and
the weather is miserable. And the traffic—it's like some engineer was
making a sick joke." Authorities apologized for transporting survivors
to a city "barely better in any respect," but said the blistering-hot,
oil-soaked Texas city was in fact slightly better, and that casualties
due to gunfire would be no worse.

White Foragers Report Threat Of Black Looters

NEW ORLEANS—Throughout the Gulf Coast, Caucasian suburbanites attempting
to gather food and drink in the shattered wreckage of shopping districts
have reported seeing African­Americans "looting snacks and beer from
damaged businesses." "I was in the abandoned Wal-Mart gathering an air
mattress so I could float out the potato chips, beef jerky, and
Budweiser I'd managed to find," said white survivor Lars Wrightson, who
had carefully selected foodstuffs whose salt and alcohol content provide
protection against contamination. "Then I look up, and I see a whole
family of [African-Americans] going straight for the booze. Hell, you
could see they had already looted a fortune in diapers." Radio stations
still in operation are advising store owners and white people in the
affected areas to locate firearms in sporting-goods stores in order to
protect themselves against marauding blacks looting gun shops.

Another Saints Season Ruined Before It Begins

NEW ORLEANS—Front-office executives of the New Orleans Saints football
team provided a much-needed dose of normalcy Monday when they announced
that, for the 23rd year running, the Saints season had been ruined
before it began. "I'd say this is even worse than when Mike Ditka traded
away all our draft picks to get Ricky Williams," said Saints vice
president of pro-personnel operations Bill Kuharich. "But there's one
thing we Saints can always rely on: our chances for a winning season
being shitcanned before we play a single down. We're proud to have
carried on with this tradition despite everything." The National
Football League has declined the Saints' "mercy rule" request to be
allowed to forfeit all their home games, saying the team must set an
example for its home city by being blown out in every contest.

Shrimp Joint Now Shrimp Habitat

NEW ORLEANS—Big Etienne's, a popular stop for New Orleans-style
jambalaya, shrimp po' boys, and gumbo, has become a near-perfect habitat
for Penaeus setiferus, the ubiquitous white shrimp used in jambalaya,
shrimp po' boys, and gumbo. "It's far too early to call this a bright
side, but the restaurant's location on the Delta, combined with its
rickety, shabby-chic fisherman's décor, have combined to create a
serviceable ecosystem for this particular species of marine life," said
Juanita Colon of the Federal Department of Fisheries. Colon said if
floodwaters recede significantly, many New Orleans parking lots would be
suitable locations for the cultivation of dirty rice.

Bush Urges Victims To Gnaw On Bootstraps For Sustenance

WASHINGTON, DC—In an emergency White House address Sunday, President
Bush urged all people dying from several days without food and water in
New Orleans to "tap into the American entrepreneurial spirit" and gnaw
on their own bootstraps for sustenance. "Government handouts are not the
answer," Bush said. "I believe in smaller government, which is why I
have drastically cut welfare and levee upkeep. I encourage you poor
folks to fill yourself up on your own bootstraps. Buckle down, and tear
at them like a starving animal." Responding to reports that many Katrina
survivors have lost everything in the disaster, Bush said, "Only when
you work hard and chew desperately on your own footwear can you live the
American dream."

[nilesfunnies] Fw: What your pet is really doing when it's home alone

What your pet is really doing when it's home alone

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: The Lone Ranger is riding one day and comes across Tonto with his ear to

The Lone Ranger is riding one day and comes across Tonto with his ear to
the ground. 'What's up Tonto' he says.

"The stagecoach came through here about half an hour ago, Kimosabi".
"The driver was Texas Pete, and he had three passengers, two men and a
lady, and his mate Greg was riding shotgun"

"My God, Tonto, how can you tell all that from putting your ear to the

Because he drove over my f**cking head!

[nilesfunnies] Fw: A guy walks in to the bank and says 'I want to borrow some money". The

A guy walks in to the bank and says 'I want to borrow some money". The
clerk turns around and shouts out 'Kemosabi!'. The guy looks confused
until the clerk explains 'I'm just getting you the loan arranger'

[nilesfunnies] Fucking, Austria

LONDON, (AFP) - British tourists have left the residents of one charming
Austrian village effing and blinding by constantly stealing the signs
for their oddly-named village.

While British visitors are finding it hilarious, the residents of
F---ing are failing to see the funny side, The Sunday Telegraph
newspaper reported.

Only one kind of crimimal ever stalks the sleepy 32-house village near
Salzburg on the German border -- cheeky British tourists armed with a
sense of humour and a screwdriver.

But the local authorities are hitting back and with the signs now set in
concrete, police chief Kommandant Schmidtberger is on the lookout.

"We will not stand for the F---ing signs being removed," the officer
told the broadsheet.

"It may be very amusing for you British, but F---ing is simply F---ing
to us. What is this big F---ing joke? It is puerile."

Local guide Andreas Behmueller said it was only the British that had a
fixation with F---ing.

"The Germans all want to see the Mozart house in Salzburg," he explained.

"Every American seems to care only about 'The Sound of Music' (the 1965
film shot around Salzburg). The occasional Japanese wants to see
Hitler's birthplace in Braunau.

"But for the British, it's all about F---ing."

Guesthouse boss Augustina Lindlbauer described the village's
breathtaking lakes, forests and vistas.

"Yet still there is this obsession with F---ing," she said.

"Just this morning I had to tell an English lady who stopped by that
there were no F---ing postcards."

[nilesfunnies] Bagels

A German comes to London and stays with Maurice and his family. The
first morning they all have breakfast together and have bagels. The
German exclaims "Wow we don't have bagels like this in Germany." To
which Maurice stands up and yells "And who's fault is that?"


From the Desk of the Supreme Pontiff:

"Believe me and you'll believe anything!"

Monday, September 05, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Lone Ranger and Tonto his faithful Indian sidekick are riding along and

Lone Ranger and Tonto his faithful Indian sidekick are riding along and
get ambushed by a huge band of Indians. The Lone Ranger looks at Tonto
(his faithful Indian sidekick) and says, "Well old friend, looks like
we're really up against it this time." Tonto takes another look at the
overwhelming odds and replies, "Speak for yourself, paleface."

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Hi Ho Silver

Hi Ho Silver
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding along when Tonto gets down off his
horse, and puts his ear to the ground.

Tonto says, "Buffalo come".

Lone Ranger says, "How do you know?".

Tonto says, "Ear sticky ..........."

[nilesfunnies] Safety First

Safety First
A part of Liverpool was closed off this morning after a suspect device
was found on a car .......

Police later identified it as a Tax Disc.

[nilesfunnies] Immigrant

[Sun style humour]

A Somali arrives in Bradford as a new immigrant to the United Kingdom.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank
you Mr. Britain for letting me in this country!"

But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am Indian."

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having
such a beautiful country here in Britain!"

The person says, "I no British, I Chinese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops,
shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful Britain!"

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Slovakia, I am not

He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you British?"

She says, "No, I am from Pakistan!" So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where
are all the British?"

The Pakistani lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says,

"Probably at work ....."

Saturday, September 03, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Quotation of the day for September 3, 2005

**COPIED FROM: >>>qotd/qotd2 147 racoleman(2781)3sep05 10:23 *
Quotation of the day for September 3, 2005

It was a broiling August afternoon in New Orleans, Louisiana,
the Big Easy, the City That Care Forgot. Those who ventured
outside moved as if they were swimming in tupelo honey. Those
inside paid silent homage to the man who invented
air-conditioning as they watched TV "storm teams" warn of a
hurricane in the Gulf of Mexico. Nothing surprising there:
Hurricanes in August are as much a part of life in this town as
hangovers on Ash Wednesday.

But the next day the storm gathered steam and drew a bead on the
city. As the whirling maelstrom approached the coast, more than
a million people evacuated to higher ground. Some 200,000
remained, however--the car-less, the homeless, the aged and
infirm, and those die-hard New Orleanians who look for any
excuse to throw a party.

The storm hit Breton Sound with the fury of a nuclear warhead,
pushing a deadly storm surge into Lake Pontchartrain. The water
crept to the top of the massive berm that holds back the lake
and then spilled over. Nearly 80 percent of New Orleans lies
below sea level--more than eight feet below in places--so the
water poured in. A liquid brown wall washed over the brick
ranch homes of Gentilly, over the clapboard houses of the Ninth
Ward, over the white-columned porches of the Garden District,
until it raced through the bars and strip joints on Bourbon
Street like the pale rider of the Apocalypse. As it reached 25
feet (eight meters) over parts of the city, people climbed onto
roofs to escape it.

Thousands drowned in the murky brew that was soon contaminated
by sewage and industrial waste. Thousands more who survived the
flood later perished from dehydration and disease as they waited
to be rescued. It took two months to pump the city dry, and by
then the Big Easy was buried under a blanket of putrid sediment,
a million people were homeless, and 50,000 were dead. It was
the worst natural disaster in the history of the United States.

When did this calamity happen? It hasn't--yet. But the
doomsday scenario is not far-fetched.

- Joel K. Bourne, Jr., Writing in the October 2004 National
Geographic. His imaginary scenario took less than a year to
come true.


Submitted by: Terry Labach
Sep. 2, 2005
Send quotation submissions to
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[nilesfunnies] Cat presents

I rather liked this one on wrapping presents......

Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
1. Go to closet and collect bag in which present is contained, and shut
2. Open door and remove cat from closet.
3. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
4. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
5. Go to drawer, and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors,
labels, etc. . .
6. Lay out presents and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping
strategy to be formed.
7. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer
since last visit and collect string.
8. Remove present from bag.
9. Remove cat from bag.
10. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.
11. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
12. Try and smooth out paper, realize cat is underneath and remove cat.
13. Cut the paper to size, keeping the cutting line straight.
14. Throw away first sheet as cat chased the scissors, and tore the paper.
15. Cut second sheet of paper to size - by putting cat in the bag the
present came in.
16. Place present on paper.
17. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present. Wonder why edges don't
reach. Realize cat is between present and paper. Remove cat.
18. Place object on paper, to hold in place while tearing transparent
sticky tape.
19. Spend 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape
from cat with pair of nail scissors.
20. Seal paper with sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible.
21. Look for roll of ribbon. Chase cat down hall in order to retrieve
22. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.
23. Re-roll ribbon and remove paper, which is now torn due to cat's
enthusiastic ribbon chase.
24. Repeat steps 13-20 until you reach last sheet of paper.
25. Decide to skip steps 13-17 in order to save time and reduce risk of
losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that is the right
size for sheet of paper.
26. Put present in box, and tie down with string.
27. Remove string, open box and remove cat.
28. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for locked
29. Once inside lockable room, lock door and start to relay out paper and
30. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close and
31. Repeat previous step as often as is necessary (until you can hear cat
from outside door)
32. Lay out last sheet of paper. (This will be difficult in the small area
of the toilet, but do your best)
33. Discover cat has already torn paper. Unlock door go out and hunt
through various cupboards, looking for sheet of last year's paper.
Remember that you haven't got any left because cat helped with this last
year as well.34. Return to lockable room, lock door, and sit on toilet and
try to make torn sheet of paper look presentable.
35. Seal box, wrap with paper and repair by very carefully sealing with
sticky tape. Tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst
36. Label. Sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulate yourself on
completing a difficult job.
37. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.
38. Spend 15 minutes looking for cat until coming to obvious conclusion.
39. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.
40. Go to store and buy a gift bag

Author Unknown

Friday, September 02, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: # Drove my Chevvy to the Levee...

# Drove my Chevvy to the Levee...

...but the Levee was washed away as all the maintenance cash had been
spent on a scanner for exploding shoes at New Orleans Airport - which is
now 15 feet under the Mississippi...

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Golf Cheat

Sitting at a table in the clubhouse after a game, two club members were
talking. "I'm not playing golf with that Jim Walsh
any more." Said one. "He cheats."

"Why do you say that?" Says the other.

"Because he found his lost ball two feet from the green."

"Well, that's entirely possible."

"Not when I already had it in my pocket, it isn't!"

Thursday, September 01, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Gay Haiku II

How can we fix us?
The fights, the silence... I know
Let's get a puppy!

> (from 'Gay Haiku',
> )


[nilesfunnies] Railways

Mr. Patel goes to his local railway station to get a ticket to visit his
brother in Pakistan. At the station the ticket seller is bemused:
'I'm sorry I can't sell you a ticket for Karachi, but if you go to London,
there is an international ticket office at Victoria, they may be able to
help you'

So he goes to London. At Victoria station the ticket collector says 'Sorry
we can't sell intercontinental rail tickets here, you will have to visit
the intercontinental ticket office in Paris.

So he takes the Eurostar to Paris, and visits the intercontinental ticket
office. 'Sorry sir we can't sell you a ticket to Karachi, but I can sell
you a ticket to Istanbul which is on the way and they may be able to

So he goes to Istanbul where he is able to buy a ticket to Baghdad. And so
his journey continues with him buying tickets which take him part of the
way until he finally reaches Karachi.

He spends a couple of weeks with his brother then decides to return home
to England. He goes to the railway station in Karachi and asks if he can
possibly buy a ticket back to Watford.

'Certainly Sir, Watford North, Watford West or Watford Junction?'

[nilesfunnies] Brief III

Q: What's brown and sticky?

A: A stick!

Q: What's white and silly?

A: A window sill!

Q: What's red and blue?

A: Purple

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | Nitroglycerin | is extremely temperamental |