Monday, October 31, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Broken News

Just watched Broken News on BBC2 (Mondays at 9.30pm) -- very good, well
worth watching again.


Friday, October 28, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: One liners.

One liners.
Some repeats, some new - at least I can't recall previously seeing them
all. Attributed to the 'Late, Great Henny Youngman' (who he??)

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds
out, she'll kill me!

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week,
we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food, candle light, good
service..... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief
spends less than my wife did.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night.
Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried. She was at the beauty
shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and
looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill,
so he gave him another six months.

The Doctor called Mrs Cohen saying "Mrs Cohen, your cheque came back." Mrs
Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"

The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." The doctor said "Don't answer!"

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here
for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.

A tramp asked me "Give me $10 till payday." I asked "When's payday?" He
said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"

A tramp came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You
should force yourself!" Another tramp told me "I haven't tasted food all
week." I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"

I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient.
They're in two separate buildings!

My hotel room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man
says, "I make a good living."

My Grandmother is over 80 and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out
of the bottle.

---- End Forwarded Message ----

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Merseyside mourns chicken

Merseyside mourns dead chicken
Floral tributes for poultry foetus
By Lester Haines
Published Tuesday 25th October 2005 09:39 GMT

Merseyside police have ordered the local community to "stop grieving"
after Liverpudlians flocked to deposit flowers, cards and teddy bears in
tribute to a dead chicken found in an alleyway. According to the BBC,
one card read: "RIP Little Baby. Safe in the arms of Jesus. From someone
who is a loving mother xxxx."

A spokeswoman for Merseyside police explained to the BBC: "It seems a
member of the public saw the remains of a foetus, which possibly
resembled a human foetus, and called us. We cordoned off the area to
investigate, as we would with any possible suspicious death, but it
became apparent it was not a human foetus. The flowers and cards are
obviously the result of local gossip, but we can assure people that the
remains were not human."

Accordingly the Old Bill on Monday issued a "stop grieving, it's only a
chicken" edict. The BBC rather unfairly concludes by noting that
Spectator editor Boris Johnson last year attracted a hailstorm of flack
for condemning Liverpudlians as "hooked on grief". ®

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Cowboy Boots

An elderly couple, Roy and Bessie, recently moved to Texas. Roy has always
wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.

Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them and wears them home. Walking
proudly into the house, he says to his wife, "Notice anything different
about me?"

Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

Frustrated, a Roy storm off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back
into the room completely naked except for the boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different

Bessie looks up and says, "Roy, what's different? It's hanging down today,
it was hanging down yesterday and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."



To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Roy. Shoulda bought a

[nilesfunnies] Fw: A sailor's tale ...

A sailor has just reached port after a long stay at sea, and decides he
needs some, um, 'servicing'. Unfortunately he only has a fiver in his

Eventually he finds a whore and asks what he can get for a fiver.

"You can lick me out if you like." She says.

So he gets down too it, when suddenly he stops and picks at his teeth.

"What's this," he says, "a crab?"

To which came the reply, "Well, what'd u expect for a fiver... caviar!"

Sunday, October 23, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: Your hair smells nice.....

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at
the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her
hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint
to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants
to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,"
What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair
smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the dwarf."


[nilesfunnies] Fw: Indian Hell

Indian Hell
An Indian dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a
different hell for each country. He goes to the German hell and
asks, "What do they do here?" He is told, "First they put you in an
electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails
for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for
the rest of the day." The man does not like the sound of that at
all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the
Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or
less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long
line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do
here?" He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an
hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then
the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there
so many people waiting to get in?" Because maintenance is so bad
that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the
nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he
comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen..."

[nilesfunnies] women

What do you call a woman with one leg longer than the other?

Bumped into a mate of mine the other day. Asked him how he was,

"Gutted he said"

Why, I said

"Wife went out for a bottle of milk the other day and never came back!"
he says

"Shit", I says "How are you managing??"

"I'm using that powdered stuff, but it's not the same..." he says.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Joke

Nearly 50 years ago in Cambridge on Poppy Day, I saw a
group of medical students each with a placard with one or
two words.And taken together they said:-

"Feeling blue"

"With "

"Asian flu?"

"Then go to"

"Bed with...."

(This one carried by an appropriately ethnic medic)
"Asian Fred."

Saturday, October 22, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: sex god

courtesy of Daily Telegraph.................

apparently lapel badges were on sale at Labour Conferecne with picture
of John Prescott and "Sex God" written underneath.

Someone has suggested that the punctuation is missing and it should be
"Sex? God!"

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: bit old but..

In school one day, the teacher decided that in science class she
would teach about the elements. So she stood in the front of the
class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw element in the
world what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said, "I would want gold, because
gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."

The teacher nodded and called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum, because platinum is worth
more than gold and I could buy a Corvette"

The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny
stood up and said, "I would want silicon."

The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"

He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you
should see all the sports cars outside our house!"

Re: [nilesfunnies] Fw: Not sure whether to laugh or cry at this one.....

Alex Foster wrote:

> The Lord's Prayer contains 69 words,
> the Ten Commandments 297 words
> and the American Declaration of Independence 310 words.
> But the European Union directive on exporting duck eggs runs to 28,911
> words.

A friendly local MEP and former employer of mine replies:

This is

a. at least 25 years old

b. untrue, as far as duck eggs are concerned anyway

c. only the EU Directives are enforceable in law and therefore, knowing
human nature, need to lay down more details

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Doctors to refuse to treat lawyers

Owing to the ever increasing amount of doctors being sued for ever
increasing telephone number amounts for negligence one doctor spoke at
a conference and suggested that doctors refuse to treat lawyers as they
are making a fortune out of disaster (in the US where else) and driving
doctors out of work

This is not a joke, but it has been seriously suggested.......

Now the joke

Some doctors are refusing to treat lawyers

[nilesfunnies] Fw: marathon

I was asked to run a marathon, for charity.
I said, "No way!"
They said, "Come on, please, it's for spastics and blind children."
So I thought, "F*"k it, I could win this."

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Period

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they'd found, the first
little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of
the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot
on the blackboard before sitting back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.

"It's a period," he replied.

"I can see that," said the teacher, "but what is so exciting
about a period?"

"Darned if I know," he said, "but this morning my sister was
missing one. Mommy fainted, daddy had a heart attack and the
boy next door joined the Navy."

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Not sure whether to laugh or cry at this one.....

The Lord's Prayer contains 69 words,
the Ten Commandments 297 words
and the American Declaration of Independence 310 words.
But the European Union directive on exporting duck eggs runs to 28,911

Friday, October 21, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Militaries

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent Bombings
and have raised their security level from 'Miffed' to 'Peeved'. Soon
though, security levels may be raised yet again to 'Irritated' or even
'A Bit Cross'. Londoners have not been 'A Bit Cross' since the Blitz in
1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been
re-categorised from 'Tiresome' to 'Bloody Nuisance'. The last time the
British issued a 'Bloody Nuisance' warning level was during the Great
Fire of 1666.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: You're not using the PC version of Linux/UNIX, then. See item (1) under

You're not using the PC version of Linux/UNIX, then. See item (1) under


1) "man" pages are now called "person" pages.

2) Similarly, "hangman" is now the

3) To avoid casting aspersions on our feline friends, the "cat" command
is now merely "domestic_quadruped".

4) To date, there has only been a UNIX command for "yes" - reflecting the
male belief that women always mean yes, even when they say no. To address
this imbalance, System VI adds a "no" command, along with a "-f[orce]"
option which will crash the entire system if the "no" is ignored.

5) The bias of the "mail" command is obvious, and it has been replaced by
the more neutral "gender" command.

6) The "touch" command has been removed from the standard distribution due
to its inappropriate use by high-level managers.

7) "compress" has been replaced by the lightweight "feather" command.
Thus, old information (such as that from Dead White European Males) should
be archived via "tar" and "feather".


1) To avoid unpleasant, medieval connotations, the "kill" command has been
renamed "euthanise."

2) The "nice" command was historically used by privileged users to give
themselves priority over unprivileged ones, by telling them to be "nice".
In PC UNIX, the "sue" command is used by unprivileged users to get for
themselves the rights enjoyed by privileged ones.

3) "history" has been completely rewritten, and is now called "herstory."

4) "quota" can now specify minimum as well as maximum usage, and will be
strictly enforced.

5) The "abort()" function is now called "choice()."


1) From now on, "rich text" will be more accurately referred to as
"exploitative capitalist text".

2) The term "daemons" is a Judaeo-Christian pejorative. Such processes
will now be known as "spiritual guides."

3) There will no longer be a invidious distinction between "dumb" and
"smart" terminals. All terminals are equally valuable.

4) Traditionally, "normal video" (as opposed to "reverse video") was white
on black. This implicitly condoned European colonialism, particularly with
respect to people of African descent. PC UNIX now uses "regressive video"
to refer to white on black, while "progressive video" can be any colour at
all over a white background.

5) For far too long, power has been concentrated in the hands of "root"
and his "wheel" oligarchy. We have instituted a dictatorship of the users.
All system administration functions will be handled by the People's
Committee for Democratically Organising the System (PC-DOS).

6) No longer will it be permissible for files and processes to be "owned"
by users. All files and processes will own themselves, and decide how (or
whether) to respond to requests from users.

[From an 8-year old article on System VI UNIX, published in CU-User]

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Catching a rabbit

Catching a rabbit
The SAS, the army and the police decide to go on a survival weekend
together to see who comes out top. After some basic exercises, the trainer
tells them their next objective is to go down into the woods and come back
with a rabbit for tea.

First up are the SAS. They don their infra red goggles, drop to the ground
and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes,
followed by a single muffled shot. They emerge with a rabbit, shot
cleanly through the forehead.

"Excellent" says the trainer. Next up are the army. They finish their cans
of lager, cover themselves in camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge
down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next
hour the woods ring with the sound of machine gun fire, mortar bombs, hand
grenades and blood-curdling war cries. Eventually, they emerge, carrying
the charred remains of a rabbit.

"A bit messy, but you got a result. Well done" says the trainer. Lastly,
in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs, whistling Dixon of
Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the
occasional crackle of a walkie talkie: "sierra oscar lima one, suspect
headed straight for you" etc.

After what seems an eternity, they emerge, escorting a squirrel in

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" asks the incredulous trainer.

"Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit, like I asked you 5 hours

So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, day turns to night.
The next morning the trainer and the rest of the crew are awakened by the
police, holding the squirrel, now covered in bruises.

"Are you taking the piss?" asks the seriously irate trainer.

The police team leader shoots a glance at the squirrel, who squeaks:
"Alright, alright, so I'm a bloody rabbit..."

---- End Forwarded Message ----

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Cameron

An anonymous wit remarks that David Cameron "was born with a silver
spoon up his nose".


[nilesfunnies] Fw: Rules of an English Lesson

Rules of an English Lesson

It's the start of a new term and the English teacher announces to the
class, "There are two words I don't allow in my class. One is gross and
the other is cool."

And a voice from the back of the class calls out, "So, what words are they

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Skunk

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife
asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the
side of the road and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was,
and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take
it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there."

"But what about the smell?", she asked.

"Just hold its nose."

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: Fw: Positive outlook

How to Start Each Day with a Positive Outlook

1. Open a new file in your PC.

2. Name it "George W. Bush"

3. Send it to the trash.

4. Empty the trash.

5. Your PC will ask you, "do you really want to get rid of George W. Bush?"

6. Answer calmly "yes," and press the mouse button firmly.

7. Feel better and vote in November 2008....

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: Twenty past four

An RAF officer stationed out in the gulf decides to venture off the base
and look at the local life. He takes his hat, compass and water and
treks the few miles cross the dunes to the nearest settlement. Wandering
around he realises he hasn't brought his watch, he spots an old camel
trader reading a copy of the Times.

"Excuse me, I wonder if you could tell me the time?"

The old man puts his paper down, leans over and gently lifts the nearest
camel's testicles up with both hands and says; "It's twenty five past four".

Gobsmacked the officer offers the camel trader £100 if he can show him
how he read the time like that.

The old man pockets the money, beckons the officer to sit beside him, he
gently lifts the camel's balls once more and says; "See that clock on
the tower..."


[nilesfunnies] Fwd: Clarke kicked out

The results from the first round of the MPs' ballot for the Tory leadership:

David Davis 62
David Cameron 56
Liam Fox 42
Kenneth Clarke 38

I am reminded of the exchange from /Bremner, Bird & Fortune/:

*Interviewer:* Kenneth Clarke is the most popular Conservative.
*George Parr [Tory] MP:* Yes, but only with the electorate.

Monday, October 17, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Confession time

This newly wed couple were on their honey moon and were about
to have sex for the first time:
Wife: Before we do this I have something I have to tell you.
Husband: We're married now, you can tell me anything.
Wife: I'm flat chested.
Husband: I don't believe you. Prove it.
So she takes off her shirt.
Husband: Holy Mother I never seen a smaller chest, but I have
something to tell you too.
Wife: We're married now you can tell me anything.
Husband: I’m like a baby down there.
Wife: I don't believe you. Prove it.
So he takes off his pants.
Wife gasps: I thought you said you were like a baby down
Husband: I am! 6lbs 7ounces!

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Lawyers practising

Lawyers practising in the local Magistrates Court should never ask the
local gossip a question.....
.....if they aren't prepared for the answer. In the Magistrates Court, a
lawyer acting for the claimant called his first witness, a grandmotherly,
elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams I've known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment
to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk
about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you
haven't the brains to realise you never will amount to anything more than
a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The Lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the
room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defendants Lawyer?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He
can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his legal practice is
one of the worst. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defence Lawyer almost died.

The JP asked both Lawyers to approach the bench, and in a very quiet
voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll
throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."

Sunday, October 16, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Top Tips

*DON'T* waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite
tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another
song you like and hum that instead.

*CINEMA* goers: Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by
going to the toilet before the film starts.

*RAPPERS*: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by
actually speaking clearly in the first place.

*DON'T* waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your
identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with
your old bank statements.

*WORRIED* that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking
red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to
remove the stains.

*SOLDIERS:* Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial
tomfoolery after a trip to Truprint.

*BURGLARS:* When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm
sticking out at 90%, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of
their dogs on you.

*EMPLOYERS:* Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the
CVs into the bin.

*MEN:* When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to
the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save
your wife from having to do it.

*GAMBLERS:* For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself
by Royal Mail.******

*BANGING:* Bang two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression
that a very small horse is approaching.

*BLIND PEOPLE:* Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by
not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

*DRIVERS:* If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your
horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and
send them on their way.

*PREVENT* burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving
everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the
morning, simply move it all back again.

*CAR* thieves: Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the
valuables are hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

*DEPRESSED* people: Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help',
simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

*MOTORISTS*: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst
driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will
think you are listening to the sea.

*SINGLE* men: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing
outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and
occasionally glancing inside.

*COOKING:* Boil an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by
popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at
exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the
egg out the pan.

*ALCOHOLICS:* don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the
pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

*McDONALD'S*: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend
in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

Friday, October 14, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Is tghis one way for GB to raise taxes?

Is tghis one way for GB to raise taxes?
Taken from EDRI-gram newsletter - Number 3.20, 5 October 2005

5. NL: 50.000 ID fines in 9 months

Since the introduction of compulsory identification in the Netherlands on
January 1st 2005, the police have fined 50.000 people that could or would
not present a valid ID. Almost 4.000 of those who were fined were children
aged 14 and 15. The statistics are provided by the Central Judicial
Collection office.

About 25% of the people fined do not pay the 50 euro fee (or 25 euro fee
for children between 14 and 16 years old). These cases are presented to
the local courts. On 28 September the court of Utrecht chose to create a
marathon session for the first 250 cases. Only a quarter of the people
appeared. Most of them were men that were involved in minor offences, such
as driving without belt or peeing in public. One of them was really upset
about the case. To the national RTL News he said: "Everybody can see I am
Dutch and not a terrorist!" During the session there was a small
demonstration in front of the court. The participants demanded withdrawal
of the law, because it does not increase security and only causes double

Since the spring of 2005, there is a hotline to report abuse of the law on
compulsory identification. Many parents have complained to the hotline
they do not want their children to continuously have a passport or ID card
on them. The hotline also reports complaints from parents who were
completely anxious about their children not returning home in time, after
which they found out they were held in a police cell and not allowed to
call home.

The national ombudsman in the Netherlands even reports complaints from
people who voluntarily reported themselves as witnesses to accidents, but
were fined because they could not show their ID. In fact one of the
arguments for introducing the law was the need for the police to be able
to identify witnesses. Fining voluntary witnesses is of course the surest
way to make any witness run away from the scene as fast as possible.

The last bizarre incident in the Netherlands was the arrest of a
demonstrator in The Hague who was part of a very large (and authorised)
demonstration of the left wing movement. The man held up a sign protesting
against compulsory ID. The police officers at the event accused the man of
'unauthorised assembly' and wanted to see his ID. He didn't have it with
him and was taken to the station to have his fingerprints taken.

Finally, living up to the fears of many people opposing the law from the
start, there indications that people with a coloured skin are demanded to
show their ID more so than others. Achmed Aboutaleb, a famous Amsterdam
municipal manager (alderman), said his son was asked for his ID 8 times
within a few months. He contends that the ID checks occurred only because
his son 'looks Moroccan'.

David L

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Sadly the following companies have failed to use hypens in their URL's

Sadly the following companies have failed to use hypens in their URL's

Firstly there is Who Represents?, a database for agencies to the rich
and famous:

Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:

Need a therapist? Try:

Finally we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Stupid boy

Stupid boy
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his
customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove
it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the
other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming
out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the
dollar, the game's over!"

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Prince Charles

Prince Charles

Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes
4. Pope Died

Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes
4. Pope Died

In future, if Prince Charles decides to re-marry, warn the Pope and the
Aussie cricket team.

(NB pope bit isn't actually true, JPI died 1978)

[nilesfunnies] Pome

I am such a dolent man,
I eptly work each day;
My acts are all becilic,
I've just ane things to say.
My nerves are strung, my hair is kempt,
I'm gusting and I'm span:

I look with dain on everyone
And am a pudent man.

I travel cognito and make
A delible impression:

I overcome a slight chalance,
With gruntled self-possesion.

My dignation would be great
If I should digent be:

I trust my vagance will bring
An astrous life for me.

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | Nitroglycerin | is extremely temperamental |

Thursday, October 13, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Regional Variations

Regional Variations






1. Shuggie has bought half a kilo of cocaine for Large. He wants to
make 300% on the deal and still pay Mad Malky his 10% protection money.
How much must he charge for a gram?

2. Wee Davie reckons he'll get £42.50 extra Marriage Allowance a week if
he ties the knot with Chantel. Even if he steals the ring, the wedding
will cost him £587 and he'll have to start buying two fish suppers at
£3.95 each every night instead of one. How long will it be before Davie
wishes he'd stayed single?

3. When Rangers play Celtic, their fans sing The Sash every 10 minutes
when they're winning and every 15 minutes when they're losing. How many
times did they sing it at last season's Cup Final?

4. Joey and Davie stole a 1999 green Toyota 1600GL with 35,000 on the
clock - and got a grand for it. How much more would they have got if
ithad been metallic silver, done 29,000 miles and had low profile tyres?

5. Jake the Flake and Suicide Dave got grassed up for dealing speed. The
Flake got 18 months but Dave got 3 years. How many more previous
convictions did Dave have?

EXTRACREDIT: Who was the Flakes' Brief?




Daddy's Company...............................

1. Gavin has a spare ticket for Julian Clary at The Festival Fringe. But
Benji and Adrian BOTH want to go with him. How long does he cry before
giving them the tickets?

2. Half of Peter's friends say that they went to school with Ewan
McGregor. Another third say they were Gordon Brown's flat mate at
University. A sixth say that their dad played rugby with Tony Blair's
dad and the rest say Sean Connery was their milkman. Only one is telling
the truth, so how many friends does Peter have?

3. Todd wants to be a lawyer, but is as thick as Edinburgh Castle. His
daddy is a Freemason and a QC. How long before Todd becomes the Lord

4. Tamsin's Personal Trainer charges £250 a week, but has sex with her
when ever she wants it. Jasmin's Life Coach charges £50 a week but has
refused all sexual advances. Which one of the women weighs 19 stone?

5. Princes Street is 2467 yards long. On average, there is someone
begging for money every 195 yards. You walk at 3.1 miles an hour. How
long will it take if you tell them all to sodoff and work for a living?





1. After Hector's death, Archie has to pay Death Duty on Glenbogle. With
25,000 acres, Archie must pay £1.76 for the first 15,000 acres and 90p
per acre for the remainder, including VAT. How many people actually give
a toss?

2. An Afro-American called Zachary Obisanjo Kokobobo asks a Tartan Shop
in Inverness if he has any Scottish Geneaology. How long does it take to
flog him full Highland dress and matching kilts for his wife and 10

3. If an Aberdeen supporter laid every sheep in Grampian Region end to
end, how many people would be surprised?

4. If you caught a Loch Ness Monster 115 feet long and each foot weighed
27lbs, how much money would you make by selling your exclusive story and

Sorry, question 5 has been delayed by heavy snowfall and will be here as
soon as the Cockbridge - Tomintoul road re-opens in the spring

[nilesfunnies] Fw: How many members of the Bush Administration......

How many members of the Bush Administration......
......are needed to change a light bulb?


1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed.

2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to
be changed.

3. One to decide that, yeah, it IS dark in here.

4. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb.

5. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing
the light bulb or for darkness.

6. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Haliburton for the new
light bulb.

7. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on
a step ladder under the banner: "Light Bulb Change Accomplished."

8. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in
detail how Bush was literally in the dark.

9. One to viciously smear #8.

10. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has
had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along.

11. And finally, one to confuse Americans about the difference between
screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Raining

What should you do if it's raining cats and dogs?

Watch out for poodles!

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Marriage

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other
people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were
both very tired and fell asleep quickly.....he in the upper bunk and she
in the lower one.

At 1:00 AM, the man reached down and gently woke the woman saying:

"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into
the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that
we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own fucking blanket."

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Two MP's

Did you hear about the two MP's that got married ( man & woman MP's) and
when they went on honeymoon they had an argument about politics. At
night, lying on opposite sides of the bed after a long period of silence
the woman rolled over and said "if the honourable member of the
opposition would care to turn round and face facts, he may be able to get
his point in". After a pause, the man turned over and said "Perhaps the
honourable member of the opposition would care to know I've already stood
as independent and lost my deposit.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: SATURDAY MORNING

On Saturday morning I got up early. I put on my long johns. I dressed
quietly. I got my lunch made, grabbed the dog and went to the garage to
hook up the boat to the truck and down the driveway I went. Coming out of
the garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour.

There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50mph.
Minutes later, I returned to the garage.

I came back into the house and turned the TV to the weather channel. I
find it's going to be bad weather all day long, so I put the boat back in
the garage, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled
up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible."

To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out
fishing in that shit."

[nilesfunnies] Fw: The lord of the manor was taking his bath,

The lord of the manor was taking his bath, ably assisted by his trusty
butler, Waddle. The lord lifts a cheek and loudly breaks wind. Immediately
the butler stands up, says, "Right away, sir" and leaves the room, to
return several minutes later with a freshly filled hot water bottle. "What
the hell are you doing, you blithering fool?" asks the lord.

"Fulfilling your request, my lord" replies Waddle.

" *What* request?" demands the lord.

"My lord, I distinctly heard you."

"Heard *what* ?" demanded the lord, becoming exasperated.

The butler quickly replies. "What-about-a-water-bottle-Waddle".

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Sven and Becks

Sven-Goran Eriksson is on 'Who wants to be a Millionaire' and has reached
the £1 million question.

Chris Tarrant says, "Right Sven, this is for £1 million, and remember, you
still have two lifelines left, so please take your time.

"Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a Sett?

"Is it.
a, a badger
b, a ferret
c, a mole or
d, a cuckoo?"

Sven ponders for a while and says, "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too sure.
I'll have to go 50-50."

"Right, Sven, let's take away two wrong answers and see what you're left
with. 'Badger' and 'Cuckoo' are the two remaining answers."

Sven has a long think, then scratches his head and says, "No, Chris, I'm
still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend."

So who are you going to call, Sven?" says Chris.

"Hmmm, I think I'll call David Beckham."

So Tarrant phones David Beckham.

"David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who wants to be a Millionaire'. I've
got Sven-Goran Eriksson here, and with your help he could win £1 million.
The next voice you hear will be Sven's."

"Hello David" says Sven. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives in
a set? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?"

"It's a badger, boss." says Becks without hesitation.

"You sure, son?" says Sven.

"Definitely, boss. One hundred percent. It's a badger. Definitely."

"Right, Chris," says Sven, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger.

"Final answer Sven?"

"That's the correct answer. You've won £1 million!"

Cue wild celebrations.

Next morning at training, Sven calls Beckham across.

"Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble
giving you a call, but you played a blinder! But how the heck did you know
that a badger lives in a set?"

"Oh I didn't, boss," replies Beckham, "But everybody knows a cuckoo lives
in a clock!"

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Quake

Reports of over 20,000 deaths in Pakistan were made worse when rescuers
indicated that the toll would rise.

They said this was going to happen as soon as they reached the second

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Monkeys in the bath

Just in case anyone missed Jack Dee on the box the other night, this one
made oi larf (it speaks better than it reads):

Two monkeys in the bath, one says 'ooh ohh, ee, ee, ahh ahh' to which the
other replies 'well put more cold in then'.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: The secret to enjoying a good wine

The secret to enjoying a good wine is:

1 - Open the bottle to allow it to breathe.
2 - When it doesn't breathe, give it mouth-to-mouth.

[nilesfunnies] Cat poem

No thread that mentions both cats and poetry would be complete without this
from Christopher Smart:

For I will consider my Cat Jeoffry.
For he is the servant of the Living God duly and daily serving him.
For at the first glance of the glory of God in the East he worships in his
For this is done by wreathing his body seven times round with elegant
For then he leaps up to catch the musk, which is the blessing of God upon
his prayer.
For he rolls upon prank to work it in.
For having done duty and received blessing he begins to consider himself.
For this he performs in ten degrees.
For first he looks upon his forepaws to see if they are clean.
For secondly he kicks up behind to clear away there.
For thirdly he works it upon stretch with the forepaws extended.
For fourthly he sharpens his paws by wood.
For fifthly he washes himself.
For sixthly he rolls upon wash.
For seventhly he fleas himself, that he may not be interrupted upon the
For eighthly he rubs himself against a post.
For ninthly he looks up for his instructions.
For tenthly he goes in quest of food.
For having consider'd God and himself he will consider his neighbour.
For if he meets another cat he will kiss her in kindness.
For when he takes his prey he plays with it to give it a chance.
For one mouse in seven escapes by his dallying.
For when his day's work is done his business more properly begins.
For he keeps the Lord's watch in the night against the adversary.
For he counteracts the powers of darkness by his electrical skin and glaring
For he counteracts the Devil, who is death, by brisking about the life.
For in his morning orisons he loves the sun and the sun loves him.
For he is of the tribe of Tiger.
For the Cherub Cat is a term of the Angel Tiger.
For he has the subtlety and hissing of a serpent, which in goodness he
For he will not do destruction, if he is well-fed, neither will he spit
without provocation.
For he purrs in thankfulness, when God tells him he's a good Cat.
For he is an instrument for the children to learn benevolence upon.
For every house is incomplete without him and a blessing is lacking in the
For the Lord commanded Moses concerning the cats at the departure of the
Children of Israel from Egypt.
For every family had one cat at least in the bag.
For the English Cats are the best in Europe.
For he is the cleanest in the use of his forepaws of any quadruped.
For the dexterity of his defence is an instance of the love of God to him
For he is the quickest to his mark of any creature.
For he is tenacious of his point.
For he is a mixture of gravity and waggery.
For he knows that God is his Saviour.
For there is nothing sweeter than his peace when at rest.
For there is nothing brisker than his life when in motion.
For he is of the Lord's poor and so indeed is he called by benevolence
perpetually--Poor Jeoffry! poor Jeoffry! the rat has bit thy throat.
For I bless the name of the Lord Jesus that Jeoffry is better.
For the divine spirit comes about his body to sustain it in complete cat.
For his tongue is exceeding pure so that it has in purity what it wants in
For he is docile and can learn certain things.
For he can set up with gravity which is patience upon approbation.
For he can fetch and carry, which is patience in employment.
For he can jump over a stick which is patience upon proof positive.
For he can spraggle upon waggle at the word of command.
For he can jump from an eminence into his master's bosom.
For he can catch the cork and toss it again.
For he is hated by the hypocrite and miser.
For the former is afraid of detection.
For the latter refuses the charge.
For he camels his back to bear the first notion of business.
For he is good to think on, if a man would express himself neatly.
For he made a great figure in Egypt for his signal services.
For he killed the Ichneumon-rat very pernicious by land.
For his ears are so acute that they sting again.
For from this proceeds the passing quickness of his attention.
For by stroking of him I have found out electricity.
For I perceived God's light about him both wax and fire.
For the Electrical fire is the spiritual substance, which God sends from
heaven to sustain the bodies both of man and beast.
For God has blessed him in the variety of his movements.
For, tho he cannot fly, he is an excellent clamberer.
For his motions upon the face of the earth are more than any other
For he can tread to all the measures upon the music.
For he can swim for life.
For he can creep.

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | Nitroglycerin | is extremely temperamental |

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

[nilesfunnies] The Man Booker Prize was won last night

The Man Booker Prize was won last night by John Banville
<> for The Sea.
Here are a few features of the book that seem to have passed many other
commentators by (although I suspect that Grumpy Old Bookman
<> has
noticed them, but does not care.)

The Sea is the first Booker winner to have a title consisting of exactly
half of a previous winner's title (Iris Murdoch
<,5917,-113,00.html>'s The
Sea, The Sea won in 1978).

The Sea is the 13th winner to start with The
<>. Since there have been 39 winners
since the prize began this is a hit rate of exactly one in three.

The Sea is the shortest winning title (6 letters and a space) since John
Berger <>'s G in 1972. It is the 8th winner to
have a two word title. There have been 6 winners with one word titles
(including Berger's.)

John Banville is the second person called John to win the Booker (he is
also the first person called Banville to win it, but that is less
remarkable.) J M Coetzee
<> is named John, but
calls himself J M, which is why he doesn't count.

John Banville is the first male writer to win the Booker in a year
ending in 5 (years ending in 0 have also been good for women, with only
William Golding
<> in
1980 bucking the trend.)

No Booker prize winner has had the word or in the title. I don't think
that any have featured an elephant in a leading role, although Yann

Life of Pi was originally going to have one instead of a tiger.

Monday, October 10, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Disorder in the American Courts

Disorder in the American Courts
Apparently from the above book and taken from court reporters' accounts:-

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
WITNESS: We both do.
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one..
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you
go to?
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
an autopsy on him!
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive,
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Kate Moss is walking down the street and bumps into Jeremy Clarkson.

Kate Moss is walking down the street and bumps into Jeremy Clarkson.
They get talking and Kate asks Jeremy what he does to which he replies I
do Top Gear.

She says great I'll have 4 grams please......

Sunday, October 09, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: There was a kind curate from Kew

There was a kind curate from Kew
Who kept a black cat in a pew
He taught it each week
A new letter from Greek
But it never got further than µ.

[nilesfunnies] Ten reasons why Haggis is like Fisting:

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Ten reasons why Haggis is like Fisting:

10. The very concept makes people shudder.
9. Some people just never learn to cope with it.
8. You can't adequately describe it until you've tried it.
7. People go to specialised clubs to enjoy it.
6. It's often accompanied by ritual.
5. It's thought to be illegal in certain states.
4. It's ideally suited to a person who is wearing a kilt.
3. It's worse if you think about what goes into it.
2. Julian Clary is required not to mention it on live television.

And finally, the top reason why Haggis is like Fisting:

1. Although the standard advice is to wash the hands before you enjoy
it, some people still feel the overwhelming need to wash their hands


Saturday, October 08, 2005

Re: [nilesfunnies] New Collective Nouns

Q: How many educational consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Well, before rushing to address the superficial issue, we'd like you
first to workshop the input that darkness is just a symptom of a deeper
malaise, and that a more affirmatory approach might be to adjust the
nomenclature of electrical charges to "positive" and "working towards
positive", with the goal of abolishing the distinction altogether in primary

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | Nitroglycerin | is extremely temperamental |

Re: [nilesfunnies] New Collective Nouns

Q: "How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?"
A: "Hmmm. Can you give us some idea of your budget?"

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | Nitroglycerin | is extremely temperamental |

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Elton John is to release a tribute

Elton John is to release a tribute record to mark the death of the late,
lamented Ronnie Barker who died yesterday.

It'll be called "Four Candles in the Wind."

Friday, October 07, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Yuppie BMW driver pulls over in his new BMW to use a public phone, don't

Yuppie BMW driver pulls over in his new BMW to use a public phone, don't
know why, must have forgot his mobile.

Anyway as he is getting back in the BMW when a lorry comes past very
close and rips the drivers door off. The BMW driver was distraught and
when a policeman pulls up the BMW owner shouts "Look what that lorry has
done to my beautiful new BMW."

Policeman replies "I don't know you BMW drivers, all you think about is
your car, you haven't even noticed the lorry has also ripped your arm off"
BMW Driver looks down at his missing arm and says "Oh god not my Rolex"

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Re: [nilesfunnies] Why did the chicken cross the road?

Why did Chris Rea crossed the road?

Because he wanted to get to the middle!

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | Nitroglycerin | is extremely temperamental |

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Barkers best

According to the theguardian

Comic genius: Ronnie Barker's best gags

Tuesday October 4, 2005

"The search for the man who terrorises nudist camps with a bacon slicer goes
on. Inspector Lemuel Jones had a tip-off this morning, but hopes to be back
on duty tomorrow."

"Have you heard the one about the retired general who said he had not had
sex since 1956? His friend said, 'That's a long time ago.' 'I don't know,'
the general replied. 'It's only 20.27 now."

A famous Spoonerism from Open All Hours: "Don't just crit their siticising".

To his assistant Granville (David Jason) who is toying nervously with the
cash register in Open All Hours: "Come on, you aren't there to play the
Warsaw Concerto."

As Fletcher in Porridge, when playing monopoly: "Would you Adam and Eve it?
Go to jail!"

Again from Porridge: "What have I learned, Mr Mackay? Three things. One -
bide your time. Two - keep your nose clean. And three - don't let the
bastards grind you down."

"There was a strange happening during a performance of Elgar's Sea Pictures
at a concert hall in Bermuda tonight, when the man playing the triangle

"Next week we'll be investigating rumours that the president of the dairy
council has become a Mason, and goes around giving his colleagues the secret

"We'll continue our investigation into the political beliefs of nudists.
We've already noticed a definite swing to the left."

"The man who invented the zip fastener was today honoured with a lifetime
peerage. He will now be known as the Lord of the Flies."

"The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they
have nothing to go on."

"In a packed programme tonight we will be talking to an out-of-work
contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet."

"The prime minister held a meeting with the cabinet today. He also spoke to
the bookcase and argued with the chest of drawers."

"Following the dispute with the domestic servants' union at Buckingham
Palace today, the Queen, a radiant figure in a white silk gown and crimson
robe, swept down the main staircase and through the hall. She then dusted
the cloakroom and vacuumed the lounge."

"The West Drayton man who has kept himself awake every night for 17 years by
snoring has at least found the answer. He's going to sleep in another room."

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | Nitroglycerin | is extremely temperamental |

[nilesfunnies] Who makes the coffee ?

Who makes the coffee ?

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and

you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed


---- End Forwarded Message ----

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Ronnie Barker

Ronnie Barker

And it's goodnight from ...

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: Tie

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the
Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a
little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with neckties laid out on it.

The Arab asked, "My thirst is killing me. Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a
tie? They are only $150. This one goes very nicely with your robes."

The Arab shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water!"

"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to
buy a tie. I will show you that you have not offended me. If you walk
over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a
lovely restaurant. Go! Walk that way! The restaurant has all the
water you need!"

The Arab staggered away toward the hill and eventually disappeared.
Four hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the Jewish man
was sitting at his table.

The Jew said, "I told you, about two miles over that hill. Could you
not find it?"

"I found it all right," rasped the Arab. "Your brother won't let me
in without a tie!"

Monday, October 03, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: You've seriously got to be careful if you have dealings with Staffordshire

Another good 'un. Two Staffordshire traffic officers came across the dead
body of a guy who'd hung himself from a tree on the side of the A38.

One radioed it in whilst the other cut the body down. The control room
told them to disturb nothing until SOCO arrived ... so they strung be body
back up.

Drivers on the A38 were treated to the sight of police officers dealing
out instant justice.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: You're on dodgy ground there.

Remember that on average, people have fewer than two legs.