MMS Friends


Thursday, December 29, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Leftovers

"I was coming to work this morning, and they're
playing Christmas music on the radio, and they were playing
that song, "He knows when you've been sleeping,
he knows when you're awake, he knows when you've
been bad or good ..." So apparently Santa works for
the National Security Agency." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is trying to put the best spin he can
on this eavesdropping scandal, like he said today: "This
proves we have a government that listens to the people."
--Jay Leno

"Bulgaria announced they're pulling all their
troops from Iraq, both of them. No, they said they'll
replace their troops with a non-combat force. That would
be the French army." --Jay Leno

"USC Heisman Trophy winner Reggie Bush announced
he is available for the NFL draft. Actually, this also marks
the first time in history the words 'Bush' and
'available for the draft' have ever appeared
together in the same sentence." --Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney made a surprise visit to Iraq over the
weekend. He met with the Iraqi prime minister who showed
him his purple finger from the election. Then Cheney showed
the Iraqi minister his purple fingers from bad circulation."
--Jay Leno

"That's the big story, you know. President Bush
and this whole domestic spying thing. Remember the good
old days when the only thing you had to worry about on your
phone were telemarketers." --Jay Leno

"Some groups are now picketing Wal-Mart because
their employees can't say 'Merry Christmas.'
It's not store policy or anything, they just don't
speak English." --Jay Leno
"Time has named former Presidents Bush and Clinton
the partners of the year. These two are now so close they’re
thinking about making a cowboy movie." --David Letterman

"King Kong is so popular right now that there's
talk he may run for governor of California." --David

"More Iraqis think things are going well in Iraq than
Americans do. I guess they don't get the New York Times
over there." --Jay Leno

"It's true, everybody is in the holiday spirit.
Last night, Bill Clinton saw the 'Nutcracker.'
Not the ballet, Hillary." --David Letterman

"Heating bills this winter are the highest they've
been in five years, but President Bush has a plan to combat
rising bills. It's called global warming."
--Jay Leno

"Iraqi officials have imposed a nighttime curfew
for the elections and I think that's a great idea, because
if there's one thing the insurgents won't monkey
with, it's a curfew." --David Letterman

"The Energy Department's Argon National Lab
has determined that Beethoven died from lead poisoning.
Now when did he die, 1827? And you thought you had to wait
a long time for your lab results. Apparently, Beethoven
was one of the first members of an HMO plan." --Jay

Christmas Time in Washington

The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity scene
in Washington, D.C. this Christmas. This isn't for
any religious or constitutional reason, they simply have
not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation's
capitol. There was no problem however finding enough asses
to fill the stable.

The small girl had recently received a new watch and some
perfume, which she was very excited about. Their family
asked the pastor over for dinner. The girl wanted so badly
to tell the pastor about her new gifts, but her mother insisted
she wait until after dinner and not interrupt at meal time.

Not able to contain her excitement, and not wanting to disobey,
the little girl leaned over to the pastor during dinner
and whispered, "If you hear a little noise and smell
something, it's me!"

A new study says that it actually takes men longer to shop
on the internet then it does for them to shop in an actual store.
Well of course! There's no naked women at the stores."

The day after Thanksgiving. The busiest shopping day of
the year. I went to the mall and I was pushed, I was shoved,
I was groped, I was fondled - hell, I'm going back tomorrow."

What kind of bread do elves make sandwiches with?
Why, shortbread of course!

What kind of money do elves use?
Jingle bills!

Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?
Because he had low "elf" esteem!

One elf said to another elf, "We had Grandma for Christmas
dinner". And the other elf said, "Really? We had turkey!"

How do elves greet each other?
"Small world, isn't it?"

Santa rides in a sleigh. What do elves ride in?
Mini vans!

What's another name for Santa's helpers?
Subordinate clauses!


---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: There were these two blondes ... ...

... ... driving along the highway looking for a place to stop and picnic.
The first blonde says, "Let's stop here, and have our picnic under that

The other says, "No! Let's have it right here in the middle of the road."

They argued about it for a bit, but finally agreed to have it in the
middle of the road.

All of a sudden, a car comes speeding towards them and has to swerve into
the tree to keep from hitting them.

The one blonde says to the other, "See? If we were under that tree, we'd
be dead now!"

[nilesfunnies] Fw: One kiss per yard

One kiss per yard
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl asked,
"I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it

"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine, " replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk
quickly measured out & wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man who was
standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill, " she smiled.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Jewish Man Marries A Native American

Jewish Man Marries A Native American
A young Jewish man falls in love with a Native American woman and they
decide to get married. When his mother hears the news, however, she is
extremely distressed because she wanted him, of course, to marry a nice
Jewish girl.

When she hears that not only is he marrying this Native American girl but
has decided to live with her on the reservation, the mother becomes so
upset that she refuses to even speak to the boy, practically disowning

After a year, the son telephones the mother to tell her that he and his
wife are expecting a child. The mother is happy for him, but there is
quite a bit of tension in the air.

Nine months later, the son calls the mother again. "Mom," he says, "just
wanted you to know that last night my wife gave birth to a healthy baby
boy. I also wanted to tell you that we've talked it over and we have
decided to give the boy a Jewish name."

Upon hearing this, the mother is overjoyed. "Oh, son, this is
wonderful, " she gushes. "I've been waiting for this moment all my life.
You have made me the happiest woman in the world."

That's great, Mom, " replies the son.

And what, " asks the mother, "is the baby's name?"

The son proudly replies, "Smoked Whitefish."


---- End Forwarded Message ----

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Carpenter Held On Charges Involving Underage Mom

Carpenter Held On Charges Involving Underage Mom
Bethlehem, Judea - Authorities were today alerted by a concerned citizen
who noticed a family living in a barn. Upon arrival, Family Protective
Service personnel, accompanied by police, took into protective care an
infant child named Jesus, who had been wrapped in strips of cloth and
placed in a feeding trough by his 14-year old mother, Mary of Nazareth.

During the confrontation, a man identified as Joseph, also of Nazareth,
attempted to stop the social workers. Joseph, aided by several local
shepherds and some unidentified foreigners, tried to forestall efforts to
take the child, but were restrained by the police.

Also being held for questioning are three foreigners who allege to be wise
men from an eastern country. The INS and Homeland Security officials are
seeking information about these who may be in the country illegally. A
source with the INS states that they had no passports, but were in
possession of gold and other possibly illegal substances. They resisted
arrest saying that they had been warned by God to avoid officials in
Jerusalem and to return quickly to their own country. The chemical
substances in their possession will be tested.

The owner of the barn is also being held for questioning. The manager of
Bethlehem Inn faces possible revocation of his license for violating
health and safety regulations by allowing people to stay in the stable.
Civil authorities are also investigating the zoning violations involved in
maintaining livestock in a commercially-zoned district.

The location of the minor child will not be released, and the prospect for
a quick resolution to this case is doubtful. Asked about when Jesus would
be returned to his mother, a Child Protective Service spokesperson said,
"The father is middle-aged and the mother definitely underage. We are
checking with officials in Nazareth to determine what their legal
relationship is.

Joseph has admitted taking Mary from her home in Nazareth because of a
census requirement. However, because she was obviously pregnant when they
left, investigators are looking into other reasons for their departure.
Joseph is being held without bond on charges of molestation, kidnapping,
child endangerment, and statutory rape.

Mary was taken to the Bethlehem General Hospital where she is being
examined by doctors. Charges may also be filed against her for
endangerment. She will also undergo psychiatric evaluation because of her
claim that she is a virgin and that the child is from God.

The director of the psychiatric wing said, "I don't profess to have the
right to tell people what to believe, but when their beliefs adversely
affect the safety and well-being of others - in this case her child - we
must consider her a danger to others. The unidentified drugs at the scene
didn't help her case, but I'm confidant that with the proper therapy
regiment we can get her back on her feet."

A spokesperson for the governor's office said, "Who knows what was going
through their heads? But regardless, their treatment of the child was
inexcusable, and the involvement of these others frightening. There is
much we don't know about this case, but for the sake of the child and the
public, you can be assured that we will pursue this matter to the end."

Thursday, December 22, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: HOPALONG CASSIDY


Not the brightest of cowboys, Hopalong arrived in town looking for a
little something from the ladies. A saloon barman gave him an address
and told him he could find anything he wanted there.

When the young man arrived, he saw a door with a small panel on it. He
knocked and the panel slid open. A female voice asked what he wanted.

"I want to get screwed," said Hop.

"OK, but this is a private club. Slide twenty bucks in the slot as an
initiation fee," answered the voice.

Hop slid twenty dollars in the slot, the panel closed, and ten minutes
passed. Nothing happened.

Hop then began to pound on the door, and the panel slid open.

"Hey," exclaimed Hop, "I want to get screwed!"

"What?" said the voice, "Again?"

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: TARZAN


Tarzan gets in a terrible fight with a ferocious lion, and loses an eye,
an arm, and his weenie. The animals of the jungle nurse Tarzan back to
health. They give him the eye of a hawk, the arm of a gorilla, and for
a pecker, they give him a baby elephant's trunk.

After about a week, Cheetah comes up to Tarzan and says, "Tarzan, how
you like-a your new parts?"

Tarzan says, "Eye good...Tarzan see far, clear...Arm good...long,
strong...but Tarzan not crazy about new willy... all day long, pickup
weeds and stuff up Tarzan's bum."

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Heard on Radio 2 this morning

Heard on Radio 2 this morning
It may surprise you to know that in Las Vegas there are more Catholic
churches than Casinos. So when it comes to taking up the Sunday offering
the Clergy often find not only gaming chips but a whole variety of them,
from several different casinos.

After Sunday Mass, these are taken to a local Franciscan Friary to be
sorted so that the value can be claimed.

The brother who has the task of doing this is known as

<page down>

<page down>

..... the Chip Monk

[nilesfunnies] Stolen from R4's 'PM'

The local ban on gay marriage in the Western Isles is stupid as shurely
it's the best place in theUK for He Brides?

Monday, December 19, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Betty Tucker

Betty Tucker
Of course, you know what really happened. Mike was temporarily
possessed by one of his subsidiary personalities.


[nilesfunnies] Fw: Global warming is happening - the proof

Global warming is happening - the proof


40-ish = 49.
Adventurous = Slept with everyone.
Athletic = No breasts.
Average looking = Moo-oo.
Beautiful = Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure = On medication.
Feminist = Fat.
Free spirit = Junkie.
Friendship first = Former slut.
New-Age = Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned = No Blow Jobs.
Open-minded = Desperate.
Professional = Bitch.
Outgoing = Loud and Embarrassing.
Voluptuous = Very Fat.
Large frame = Hugely Fat.
Wants Soul mate = Stalker.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Wedding Anniversary

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His
wife told him, "Tomorrow there had better be something in the driveway for
me that goes zero to 200 in two seconds flat."
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She
opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for this Saturday.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Christ mass yse a cummin in


1. An official staff visit by LTG Claus is expected at this post on 25
Dec. The following directives govern activities of all Army personnel
during the visit.

a. Not a creature will stir without permission. This includes warrant
officers and mice. Soldiers may obtain special stirring permits for
necessary administrative action through the Battalion S-1. Officer
stirring permits must be obtained through the Deputy, Post Plans and
Policy Office.

b. All personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap NLT
2200 hours, 24 December. Uniform for the nap will be; Pajamas,
Cotton, Light Weight, General Purpose, OG, and Cap, BDU woodland
pattern, with ear flaps in the extended position. Equipment will be
drawn from the supply room prior to 1900 hours. While at supply, all
personnel will review their personal hand receipts and sign a Cash
Collection Voucher, DD Form 1131, for all missing items. Remember,
this is the "season of giving."

c. Personnel will utilize standard "T" ration sugar plums for visions
to dance through their heads. Sugar plums are available in "T" ration
sundry packs and should be eaten with egg loaf, chopped ham, and spice
cake to ensure maximum visions are experienced.

d. Stockings, Wool, Cushion Sole, will be hung by the chimneys with
care. Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid fires
caused by carelessly hung stockings. 1SG's will submit stocking
handling plans to S-3, Training prior to 0800 hours, 24 Dec. All
leaders will ensure their subordinate personnel are briefed on the
safety aspects of stocking hanging.

e. At first [sign] of clatter, all personnel will spring from their
beds to investigate and evaluate the cause. Immediate action will be
taken to tear open the shutters and throw up the window sashes. On
order OPLAN 7-97 (North Pole), para 6-8 (c)(3), dated 4 March, this
office, takes effect to facilitate shutter tearing and sash throwing.
SDO and all CQs will be familiar with procedures and are responsible
for seeing that no shutters are torn or sashes thrown in Bldg 9828
prior to the start of official clatter.

f. Prior to 0001, date of visit, all personnel possessing Standard
Target Acquisition and Night Observation (STANO) equipment will be
assigned "wandering eyeball" stations. The SDNCO will ensure that
these stations are adequately manned even after shutters are torn and
sashes are thrown.

g. The Battalion S-4, in coordination with the National Security
Agency and the Motor Pool will assign on each Sleigh, Miniature, M-24
and eight reindeer, tiny, for use by LTG Claus. The assigned driver
must have a current sleigh operators license with roof top permit and
evidence of attendance at the winter driving class stamped on his DA
Form 348. Driver must also be able to clearly shout "On Dancer, On
Prancer, etc."

2. LTG Claus will initially enter Bldg 9828 through the dayroom. All
offices without chimneys will draw Chimney Simulator, M6A2 for use
during the visit. Draw chimney simulator on DA Form 2765-1 which will
be submitted in four copies to the S-4 prior to 23 Dec. Personnel will
ensure that chimneys are properly cleaned before turn-in at the
conclusion of visit.

3. Personnel will be rehearsed in the shouting of "Merry Christmas and
Happy New Year" or "Merry Christmas To All and To All a Good Night."
This shout will be given upon termination of the visit. Uniformity of
shouting is the responsibility of each section NCOIC.


Executive Officer

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Christmas tips...

Christmas tips...
# When calculating cooking time for the turkey do not confuse lbs for

# Always check the supply of tin foil (preferably before the 25th).

# If you have not used your nutmeg grater since last christmas it's
probably a good idea to bin the nutmeg and replace with a fresh one.

# Heating the christmas pud brandy with a kitchen blowtorch might seem a
good idea at the time...

# A fully grown labrador can reach every counter-top; even when blind.

Saturday, December 17, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Terrible smell

Terrible smell

Maxine took her car to her mechanic. She told him, "Every
time I take any of my friends out in my car, after a while
there is this terrible smell!! It never happens when I am on
my own"

This quite intrigued the mechanic so he said, "OK, lets go
for a spin and see what the problem is". So off they went.
She drove down a one-way street in the wrong direction at 60
MPH, swerving, hitting the curb on both sides of the street,
narrowly missing three pedestrians on pedestrian crossings,
ran several red lights, and just missed a policeman on street
traffic duty.

They returned to the shop and she said, "There it is now;
there's that terrible smell. Can you smell it?"

The mechanic said, "Smell it? Hell lady, I'm sitting on it".

[nilesfunnies] My wife...

Who was the wife of Jupiter?
No, that's why I'm asking.

What is the state capital of Alaska
Yes, but do you?

My brother was taken ill on a flight to England
-No, but he felt very queasy

- My wife bought some second-hand clothes in Cheshire.
- Altrincham?
- No, they fitted her perfectly.

[nilesfunnies] OT: Atrocious Seasonal Joke

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop
looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop
owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous
Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift.
"How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.

"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was
the shop owner's reply.
The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left
foot. Chet began to sing:
"Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..."
The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's
right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled
"Silent Night, Holy Night..."

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper
and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm.
When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.

"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"

"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show
you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it
under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him,
and Chet crooned:
"Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..."
The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came:
"Silent Night, Holy night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked,
"What if we hold the lighter between his legs?"
"No idea - let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife.
So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted
his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out
loudly like it was the performance of his life:
"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

-- No virus found in this incoming message. Checked by AVG Free Edition.
Version: 7.1.371 / Virus Database: 267.14.1/204 - Release Date: 12/15/2005
Tout de bonbon,
Anne, Seriously, Traditionally Built Gumrat

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | Nitroglycerin | is extremely temperamental |

Friday, December 16, 2005

[nilesfunnies] No more water

Doctor: You'll have to cut down on the mineral water -- you have Evian flu


[nilesfunnies] Fw: As a child,

As a child, I remember that easily the most disappointing presents were
the obviously secondhand jigsaw puzzles from my Uncle Alan. First, I
always hated jigsaw puzzles. Second, they were shit pictures of
carnations or Jesus (he was an avid godbotherer, Billy Graham acolyte),
not blazing dogfights between Spitfires and Me109's, or ladies with no
clothes on.
Third, there were invariably pieces missing, quite often pieces from
other puzzles included. On one occasion, the puzzle was in an entirely
unrelated box with a different idyllic country scene on the front.

I tried to pass them on to my sister, who loved puzzles, in an act of
faux generosity, but after the first time she was having none of that.

I think he must have bought a job lot at a Church fete for 1s6d, and
each year for about 7 years, he sent one. Having to write a thankyou
letter for this shite was a lesson in hypocrisy which set me against
polite society for life. These days, kids would grass to Social Services
via a hotline, as anything worth less than £200 is considered child abuse.

---- End Forwarded Message ----


Thursday, December 15, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: 'Er indoors

'Er indoors
My wife's gone to the West Indies
-No, she went of her own accord.

-My wife's gone to the Indian coast
-Phwoar! I'll say!

-My wife's gone to St Petersburg.
-Is she Russian?
-No, she's taking her time.

-My wife's gone to Northern Italy
-I should think so, we've been married for 20 years.

-My wife's had an accident on a volcano
-No. She broke her leg.

-My wife's gone mad in Venezuela
-Yes, absolutely loopy

-My wife's gone to the Welsh border.
-Search me.

-My wife's gone to the botanical gardens.
-Yes, it was rather busy.

-My wife's gone to Malawi
-Yes, about 5000 miles

-My wife's got an upset tummy in Laos
-Yes, constantly.

-My wife's gone to see relatives in France
-No, her Aunt and Uncle actually

-My wife's gone on a singing tour of South Korea
-No, R&B

-My wife caught a cold in the Gulf
-Yes, she was coughing up greenies for weeks

-My wife had an accident in Slovenia
-like a stuck pig.

-My wife's parents are from Croatia
-No, they're still happily married.

-My wife went to a very bad concert in South East Asia
-Terrible. And the rest of the band was even worse.

-My wife went on a sailing course in Poole
-In Dorset?
-Yes, she'd recommend it to anyone.

My wife had a nasty car accident in Mid-Wales?
- Lampeter?
- No, she drove into a wall.

My wife's gone to Iceland.
No, just the once.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Quickies

Q: What is a Yankee?
A: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q: What did the lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
A: They're right! We do taste like chicken!

Q: What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.

Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A: What are YOU shaking for? She's going to eat me!

Q: What is the difference between "ooooooh" and aaaaaaah"?
A: About three inches.

Q: What is the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?
A: You can't hear an enzyme.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A: The grip.

Q: How are women and rocks alike?
A: You skip across the flat ones.

Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A: It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A: The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q: Why do most women care more about their appearance than improving their
A: Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.

Q. Why do women have tits?
A. So men will talk to them.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.


---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Quick Thinking

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job
opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who
were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only
one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the
interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT". It
just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's
just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked
the second man.

"Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it
ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very
popular cliché for speed."

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall
there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep,
TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he
had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.
Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same

The last man replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, It's
obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't
feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK,
BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit in my pants.

He got the job.


---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Marriage

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or
get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your
wedding ring on the wrong finger?" "Yes, I am. I married the wrong

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted". Next day she
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let
her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

A young son asked, "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad replied, "That happens in
every country, son."

Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was
until I got married, and by then, it was too late."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word
you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking
they had no faults at all.

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!" Second guy remarks, "You're lucky,
mine's still alive."

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they
find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit
onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After
a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the
blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't
you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound
is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a
rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding on the bus...

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: The year is 2029

The year is 2029

The Postal Service increases price of first class stamp to £11.25 and
reduces delivery to Wednesdays only.

Massachusetts executes last remaining Conservative.

The High Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Baby conceived naturally - scientists stumped.

New law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and
rolled-up newspapers must be registered as lethal weapons by January 2036.

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh
largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognised as Mexifornia's
third language.

Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more
years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being overtaken by Jamaica in GNP.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported
illegally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed
they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of
the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

Inland Revenue sets lowest tax rate at 75%

(cor, these are just unpleasant)

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Inner Strength

Inner Strength

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can get going without pep pills,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment

If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,

If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

........Then you are probably The Family Dog!

[nilesfunnies] Fw: A Minister decided that......

A Minister decided that......

A Minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his
Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of good, clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following

The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in sperm - dead.
Fourth worm in good, clean soil - Alive

So the Minister asked the congregation - "What can you learn from this

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long
as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."


---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: Fw: At a Senior Citizen's luncheon,....

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon,....

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the
next day. The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river
to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and
the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad
passionate love to the man right there in the boat!

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but
he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they
came upon another fork in the river.

He again asked the lady, "Up or down?"

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate
love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go
fishing again the next day. She said yes and there they were the next
day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the
elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?"

The woman replied, "Down."

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the
river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,
"Up or down ?"

She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

"What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up
or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"

She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I
thought the choices were f*ck or drown


Tuesday, December 13, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw:

Ex-minister Stephen Twigg has been given a £50 fixed penalty notice
after being arrested for being drunk.

Mr Twigg was arrested at 1915 GMT on Monday in central London for being
drunk and incapable in a public place and taken to Marylebone police

He was given a fixed penalty notice and released just before 2330 GMT.

Mr Twigg, who lost his seat in May, is best known for toppling Michael
Portillo at the 1997 election.

Schools minister

A spokeswoman for Scotland Yard said: "At 7.19pm a 38-year-old was
arrested in Orchard Street, W1, for being drunk and incapable in a
public place.

"He was taken to Marylebone Police Station. He was issued with a fixed
penalty notice for being drunk in a public place."

After his surprise victory over Mr Portillo in 1997, which came to be
seen as a symbol of Tony Blair's landslide victory, Mr Twigg rose
through the ranks to be schools minister.

But earlier this year, he narrowly lost Enfield South seat his seat to
Conservative candidate David Burrowes.

He has been working as the chairman of Blairite think tank Progress and
is director of the Foreign Policy Centre.

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: George Best

George Best
Police have admitted that George Best was not, in fact, buried in Ireland
last week

- but have admitted that a sneaky cremation in Hemel Hempstead was
probably not the best idea in the world

[nilesfunnies] Wilson's nails

Wilson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of
advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing and he
offers to make a TV ad for Wilson's Nails.

"Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with a tape."

A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Wilson. He puts
a cassette in the video and presses play. A Roman soldier is busy
nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a
grin "Use Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything."

Wilson goes mad shouting: "What is the matter with you? They'll never
show that on TV. Give it another try, but no more Romans crucifying

A week passes and Wilson waits impatiently. The marketing executive
arrives and puts on the new video. A naked man with long hair, gasping
for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come
over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them turns to camera and says
'If only we had used Wilson's Nails!'.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Three australian builders

Three australian builders
Three australian builders - Steve, Bruce and Bluey - were working on a
high-rise building project. One day Steve falls off and is killed
instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone
should go and tell his wife."

Bluey says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Foster's under his arm.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Bluey?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Bluey replies.

"That's unbelievable! You told the lady her husband was dead and she gave
you the beer?"

"Well not exactly," Bluey says. "When she answered the door, I said to
her,'You must be Steve's widow'. She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.' And I
said, 'I'll bet you a case of Foster's you are'."

Monday, December 12, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: 10 seconds of amusement

10 seconds of amusement

[nilesfunnies] Missing comma time!

spot the missing comma:

"The Massif-Central area has had a lot of snow over the last couple of
weeks and Le Lioran reports 150cm at the top of the pistes. Avalanches
are relatively rare in the region but not unheard of. The last fatal
avalanche accident in the area was in February 2003 at the nearby Breche
de Rolland and involved a French Alpine Club group killing their

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | Nitroglycerin | is extremely temperamental |

[nilesfunnies] Fw: It's that time of year again ...

Q: What do angry mice send at Christmas?
A: Cross mouse cards!

[nilesfunnies] Fw: MU

What's the difference between Man Utd and a 3-pin plug?

Nothing! Both are useless in Europe!

Thursday, December 08, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: 10 Top Tips for Life

10 Top Tips for Life

*10 Top Tips for Life*

1. Don't waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite
tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of
another song you like and hum that instead.

2. Men: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to
the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will
save your wife from having to do it.

3. Banging two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a
very small horse is approaching.

4. Ladies: If invited to a fancy party, go wearing hair rollers,
so that the hostess will think you are going somewhere REALLY
important afterwards.

5. Homeowners: Don't hesitate to tell the rest of us how much your house
has appreciated in value since you bought it. The more frequently you
give us updates, the greater will be our delight at your good fortune
and our admiration and respect for your financial prescience.

6. White wine splashed onto a red wine stain will clean it up quickly.
Similarly, fat splashes on clothes can be easily removed by rubbing
salad onto the affected area.

7. Drivers: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your
horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start
and send the stranded driver on his way.

8. Don't promise what you can't deliver - you'll always get found out in
the end.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Which Class are you?

Which Class are you?
One of the more perplexing things about England for foreigners is
understanding our class system - so to help them and any readers who are
unsure of their place in society I have produced a simple quiz to help.

1) Do you let your dogs lick the plates?
a) Of Course
b) Yeuch, Dogs are so dirty we only have a cat.
c) Of Course

2) Bloodsports?
a) Good fun
b) Cruel and outdated
c) Good Fun

3) Your opinion of Europe?
a) Bloody Foreigners
b) Good idea and we simply love Tuscany
c) Bloody Foreigners

4) Do you get out off the bath to piss?
a) Why?
b) Yeuch - you are just being horrible now
c) Why?

5) How do you like your steak cooked?
a) Big and Bloody
b) With the fat cut off and lightly coated in delightful herbs
c) Big and Bloody

6) Do you ever worry you drink too much?
a) No and it is your round.
b) Well, I keep a diary of my units and I was ever so naughty one week and
had 18 units.
c) No and it is your round.

The results:

Mostly As - You are Upper Class
Mostly Bs - You are Middle Class
Mostly Cs - I'm afraid you are working class.

How did you score?

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Go placidly

Go placidly
Amid the noise and waste.
And remember what comfort there may be
In owning a piece thereof.

Avoid quiet and passive persons
Unless you are in need of sleep.

Rotate your tires.

Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself
And heed well their advice,
Even though they be turkeys.

Know what to kiss.....and when!

Consider that two wrongs never make a right
But that

Wherever possible, put people on hold.

Be comforted that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment
And despite the changing fortunes of time,
There is always a big future in computer maintenance.

Remember the Pueblo.

Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle and mutilate.

Know yourself.
If you need help, call the FBI.

Exercise caution in your daily affairs,
Especially with those persons closest to you.
That lemon on your left, for instance.

Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most souls
Would scarcely get your feet wet.

Fall not in love therefore;
It will stick to your face.

Gracefully surrender the things of youth:
The birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan
And let not the sands of time
Get in your lunch.

Hire people with hooks.

For a good time call 606-4311;
Ask for "Ken."

Take heart amid the deepening gloom
That your dog is finally getting enough cheese.

And reflect that whatever misfortune may be your lot
It could only be worse in Milwaukee.

Therefore, make peace with your god
Whatever you conceive him to be---
Hairy thunderer, or cosmic muffin.

With all its hopes, dreams, promises and urban renewal
The world continues to deteriorate.


You are a fluke
Of the universe.
You have no right to be here.
And whether you can hear it or not
The universe is laughing behind your back.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Tomato c*****y

I would consider it a great kindness if everyone could avoid mentioning
tomato chutney at this time of year for this is when I become a c*****y
widower. When great seething cauldrons of the stuff glurp and slurp to
volcanic mud bath arbitrarily defined perfection; when every erupting
tetter gives off a greenish gas of unknown toxicity; when every square
centimetre of cat-sprawling space in the kitchen is occupied by a huge
variety of glass jars that have been saved all year in an as yet
undiscovered dungeon to await filling with the stuff. It is when the
spidery copper plate characters in her grandmother's hand-written
notebook, dated 1860 because it belonged to *her* grandmother, are pored
over like spells on ancient papyri. It is when I'm tasked with tracking
down an enormous .TIFF file I created some years ago for printing on
six-up self-adhesive labels which proclaim the contents of the filled jars
as "Mothers' Union Home Maid Tomato Chutney".

Actually I'm quite proud of that file. It took ages to get right. In each
corner is a tiny clipart picture of a cluster of plums that pass muster as
tomatoes. The main title is set in a semi-circle banner of Avanti
calligraphy fonts. To comply with the law, there's a list of ingredients
which I'd set in almost unreadable 6pt old English. About four years ago,
when she'd sold at least a 100 jars of stuff at the MU Christmas Fayre,
the local newspaper, the Messenger, discovered that buried among the
ingredients was 'eye of newt, ear of bat, tongue of toad'. They enlarged
the label and splashed it on the front page with the eye-catching
headline: 'Witches Launch Takeover Bid for village Mothers' Union'. My
punishment was thirty days cold suppers and no nookie, and since then my
laser-printed labels are examined with a magnifying glass.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Leprechaun

Bob is in a casino playing blackjack. He's been there all evening. He's
had a miserable run and lost almost everything. "Surely my luck must
change" he thinks to himself. "I'll give it one last go." He pulls from
his jacket pocket the deeds to his house. This represents everything he
has left in this world.

The croupier deals the cards and he picks them up. First a jack - looks
hopeful. Then a six "Sh*t !!!" he says to himself. "Sixteen - what am I
going to do?" He stares vacantly at the two cards in his hand as his
future seems to ebb away. What is he going to do ??

Suddenly a leprechaun appears on his shoulder and looks at the cards and
then at Bob. It starts jumping up and down saying "Twist, twist". Bob is
awakened from his reverie by the noise and looks, slightly disbelievingly
at the leprechaun.

"Who are you?" Bob says.

"Twist, twist" says the leprechaun.

"But I've got everything riding on this. I've already lost all of my money
and my car. If I lose this I've lost my house as well."

"Twist, twist" cries the leprechaun.

Bob looks at the leprechaun and thinks "Well perhaps ....." Eventually he
decides to trust the leprechaun. "Twist" he says to the croupier. He turns
the card offered. It is a two. Huge sigh of relief, perspiration wiped
from brow, buttocks unclenched. "I'm OK" Bob thinks.

"Twist, twist" the leprechaun says, jumping up and down again.

"But, it's eighteen. That's a good score. I've got a good chance with

"Twist, twist"

"Are you sure??"

"Yeah, you'll be OK. Twist, twist"

Bob agonises for a few seconds and eventually reasons that the leprechaun
was right last time so he goes for it. "Twist, please" The croupier draws
another card - an ace!

"Wow" says Bob to himself and sits back thinking he could now recover all
he lost earlier. He is just about to place his cards face down when .....

"Twist, twist"

"What? But I've got 19. If I twist I'll probably go bust."

"Twist, twist. Go on!"

Bob thinks to himself that the leprechaun hasn't let him down yet so he
decides to back it one last time.

"Twist please."

The croupier draws the card. Slowly Bob reaches for it and pulls it up to
his hand. He looks at it. A two. Twenty One, a five card trick. He has
done it. He's got his house back, recovered all his money and made a few
grand on top. Yeeesssss!!!!!

The leprechaun who has now stopped jumping up and down is motionless,
staring at the cards. It turns to Bob and says "You jammy b*stard!!"

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Joke from today's Guardian

A German teacher is giving an English lesson, teaching his
class the meaning of the word "perhaps".

Little Clara stands up and says: "It is nearly Christmas so
perhaps I vill buy some presents soon."

"Very good. Now you, Friedrich."

Little Friedrich gets to his feet. "I like cake - perhaps if
I am good I vill haf some for tea!"

"Excellent," booms the teacher. "Wilhelm, your turn."

"On Vednesdays," says the boy, "my mother has piano lessons
from our neighbour and sometimes I vatch them through der
keyhole. He takes my mother's shoes and stockings off, und
lifts her skirt, und then he drops his trousers to the
floor. Perhaps [insert here a pause that can stretch out to
the crack of doom] zey are going to poo in the piano."

Re: [nilesfunnies] Alan and the Bishop

"As we glide through sylvan woodlands,
And we pass by burbling streams
That meander from the mountains
Like our long-remembered dreams,
As we hear the curlew calling
And we see the stag at bay
And we watch the new-born lambs who
Leap and gambol through the hay,
As we watch the sunlight dance upon
A lake as smooth as glass,
And the many-coloured flowers that wave
From swirling seas of grass,
As we gaze out o'er the meadows
Soaked in silver morning dew,
We are glad to be here, once again,
On Platform 6 at Crewe."

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | Nitroglycerin | is extremely temperamental |

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: STFU


(shut the f*** up)


[nilesfunnies] Fw: Theft

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.

When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied: "A can of peaches".

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.

She replied "Six".

The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's
husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

He said, " What is it? "

The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."

Monday, December 05, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: Letter to God

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose
job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day just before Christmas, a letter landed on
his desk, simply addressed in shaky handwriting to "God".

With no other clue on the envelope, he opened the
letter and read, "Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living
on the State pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse.
It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had in
the world and no pension due until after Christmas.

Next week is Christmas and I had invited two of my
friends over for Xmas dinner. Without that money, I have
nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and
you are my only hope. God; can you please help me?"

The postal worker was really touched, and put a copy
of the letter up on the Staff Notice board, at the main
sorting office where he worked.

The letter touched the other postmen and they all
dug into their pockets and had a whip round. Between
them they raised £96.

Using an official franked Post Office envelope, they
sent the cash on to the old lady, and for the rest of the day,
all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing
they had done.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another
letter simply addressed to "God" landed in the Sorting Office.
Many of the postmen gathered around while the letter was

It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough
for what you did for me? Because of your generosity,
I was able to provide a lovely dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your
wonderful gift - in fact we haven't gotten over it and our
Vicar is beside himself with joy.

By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must
have been those thieving cunts at the Post Office."


[nilesfunnies] Burnley Cotton mill

Regulations for a Burnley cotton mill office in 1852.

1 Godliness, cleanliness and punctuality are the necessities of a good

2 This firm has reduced the hours of work and the clerical staff still
now only have to be present between the hours of 7.00 a.m. and 6.00
p.m, on weekdays.

3 Daily prayers will be held each morning in the main office. The
clerical staff will be present.

4 Clothing must be of a sober nature. The clerical staff will not
disport themselves in raiment of bright colours, nor will they wear
hose, unless in good repair.

5 Overshoes and top-coats may not be worn in the office, but neck.
scarves and headwear may be worn in inclement weather.

6 A stove is provided for the benefit of clerical staff. Coal and wood
must be kept in the locker. It is recommended that each member of
staff bring 4 pounds of coal each day during cold weather.

7 No members of clerical staff may leave the room without permission
from Mr Rogers. The calls of nature are permitted and clerical staff
may use the garden below the second gate. This area must be kept in
good order.

8 No talking is allowed during business hours.

9 The craving for tobacco, wines and spirits is a human weakness and,
as such, is forbidden to all members of the clerical staff.

10 Now that the hours of business have been drastically reduced, the
partaking of food is allowed between the hours of 11.30 and noon, but
work will not on any account cease.

11 Members of clerical staff will provide their own pens. A new
sharpener is available, on application to Mr Rogers.

12 Mr Rogers will nominate a senior clerk to be responsible for the
cleaning of the main office, and all boys and juniors will report 40
minutes before prayers, and will remain after closing hours for
similar work. Brushes,-brooms, scrubbers and soap are provided by the

13 The new increased weekly wages are as hereunder detailed. Junior
hoes (up to 11 years) Is. 4d. Boys (to 14 years) 2s. ld. Juniors 4s.
3d. Junior clerks 8s. 7d. Clerks lOs. 9d. Senior clerks
(after 15 years with the Owners) 21s. Od.

Note The Owners recognise the generosity of the new Labour Laws,
but will expect a great rise in output of work to compensate for these
near Utopian conditions.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: The gold miner

A man is working hard in the gold mines, and doesn't hear the ominous
rumble until too late. He comes to and realises he is trapped by the left
leg. Really trapped. He is there a long time, and although they eventually
get him out he has to have the leg amputated. Recovering in hospital, he
sinks into a deep depression. He sees a psychiatrist, and says, "I feel so
terrible. Who would ever want a one-legged gold digger?"

The psychiatrist looks over his half-moon glasses and replies, "Have you
ever thought to ask Paul McCartney?"

Friday, December 02, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Party Game

I went to a Muslim children's party last night.

F*** me if that wasn't the fastest game of Pass the Parcel I've ever seen

Thursday, December 01, 2005

[nilesfunnies] Fw: "Ah, but every problem is an opportunity"

"Ah, but every problem is an opportunity"
"He seems to be suggesting this opportunity is insoluble".

Yes, Prime Minister

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Two girls are on a night out......

Two girls are on a night out and on the way home they are both desperate
for a pee. So they go into a graveyard to relieve themselves. The first
one takes off her knickers and uses them as she doesn't have any tissues
and then throws them away. The second one says she is wearing new
expensive lace knickers so she looks around for a substitute and sees a
nice big bow on some recently laid flowers by a grave. So she uses that.

The next days the girl's husbands meet up for a beer and the first on
says, "My wife came home last night with no knickers on" The second ones
says, "You were lucky, mine had a piece of ribbon and a card sticking out
of her arse with the message, ALL OUR LOVE FROM THE LADS AT THE FIRE

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Some things to think about....

Some things to think about....

Arguing with your Boss is like wrestling with a pig in mud. After a
while you realise that while you are getting dirty, the pig is actually
enjoying it.


Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is
in trouble again.


It is not exactly cheating, I prefer to consider it creative problem


Behind every successful woman, is a man who is surprised.


Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.


Forgive your enemies but remember their names


The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the
stupidity of your action.


I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger
to my father. He said he wanted more proof.


Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's

[nilesfunnies] Fw: PINCH MY NIPPLES

Keep this in mind when you have something to return and the store are
giving you a hard time in getting a refund!

A woman went to a K-Mart service counter and tells the clerk she wants a
refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk tells
her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on a special
offer. Suddenly, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager. In front of a
growing crowd of customers the manager goes to the woman and asks, "Ma'am
what's wrong?"

She explained the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he
can't give her a refund because she bought it on a special offer. Once
again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming

As a result the crowd gets even bigger! In shock, the store manager pleads
"Ma'am, why are you saying that?" In a huff, the woman yells, "BECAUSE, I
into applause and her money was quickly refunded.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: A little late for thanksgiving, but ...

A little late for thanksgiving, but ...

A few years ago, on a British radio program, an American and a British
journalist were discussing Thanksgiving. The American asked if
Thanksgiving was celebrated in England.

"Yes," replied the British journalist, "but we celebrate it on the
6th of September."

"Why then?"

"That's when you chaps left."

[nilesfunnies] citizenship

a spoof citizenship test:

How does someone get into the House of Lords?
A) By outstanding achievement and merit
B) If a deadbeat MP vacates his seat for a promising newcomer
C) By giving £100,000 to the Labour Party

If a burglar invades your home, what should you do?
A) Dial 999 and wait a long time for the police
B) Dial 999 to receive counselling
C) Resist, be imprisoned, and be sued by the burglar

Which of these officials are not paid from public funds?
A) Real nappy officers
B) Walking officers
C) Automobile rescue and repair officers

Was the TV programme Yes Minister...?
A) Situation comedy
B) Documentary
C) Stark social realism

What is the Queen's official role?
A) Living as long as possible to keep out Prince Charles
B) Opening flower shows and watching horses
C) Signing away our rights to habeas corpus, jury trial, etc

What sorts of people are detained under the Terrorism Act?
A) Terrorists
B) People who walk on a cycle path
C) Anyone who heckles government ministers

Which carries the longest prison sentence?
A) Smoking in a pub or restaurant
B) Giving your child a smack for being naughty
C) Telling jokes about the Archbishop of Canterbury

Are A-level exams getting...?
A) Easier
B) Ridiculously easier
C) Ridiculous

Which religions is the BBC allowed to mock and ridicule?
A) Christianity
B) Islamic fanaticism
C) New age mumbo-jumbo

If you are assaulted outside a night-club, should you...?
A) Change to smarter clothes and try again to be admitted
B) Ask the police to desist
C) Take a photo of Prince Harry to sell to the newspapers


---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Blonde jokes - fourth bit

"Did you hear what happened?" Jim asked when he saw me walking down the
hallway at work.

"Hear what" I asked, my curiosity aroused.

"The Managing Director died this morning!"

"What?!" I asked, totally stunned. "What happened?"

"He was working through lunch when he had a heart attack" Jim began
explaining. "Everyone was gone except his secretary. You know the one."

"Boy do I. She's that young blonde babe."

"Yeah that's the one. Turns out she isn't too smart, though."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"He kept yelling at her to 'call 9 9 9'. and she just stood there
waiting for him to give her the rest of the phone number."

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Blonde jokes - episode 2

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and
buys a gun.

She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she
finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She
opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so she is overcome
with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next."

[nilesfunnies] Fw: A random fact

... from the Economist:

More books are translated into Spanish in one year than into Arabic in the
whole of recorded history.