MMS Friends


Sunday, January 29, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: ISIHAC


"We present 'I'm sorry this isn't funny any more', the antidote to
comedy. And now here is your chairman, Mr Louis Armstrong.."

[FX: Riototous studenty cheering]

"Thankyou, we're here in some local city famous for its assholes...
Let's meet the teams."

[FX: Riotous laughter]

"On my left, two of the three Goodies who haven't found a proper job yet,
on my right, the insufferable Barry Cryer is joined by A.N.Other Middle
Class comedian who still thinks he's 'alternative'."

[FX: Thunderous applause]

"Our first round is called 'Goes On Far Too Long'. Due to budget cuts we
can no longer afford a double entendre and tedious backstory to introduce
this round, so let me just say that Samantha is a slut who does it for

[FX: Knowing laughter and applause]

"Barry and Graeme, could we have your carefully-rehearsed piece, please?"

... and so on...

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Eye test

Eye test
A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as
the doctor is examining his eyes. In the middle of their conversation,
the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."

The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"

The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the
waiting room."

Thursday, January 26, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Little old lady ... ...

Little old lady ... ...
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic
garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the
bags, and every once in awhile a £20 note is flying out of it onto the

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are £20 notes
falling out of that bag."

"Damn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can
still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?
Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back alley is right
behind the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a
game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower

"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each
time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: £20 or
off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way,
what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Sir Clive Woodward

Sir Clive Woodward
Sir Clive Woodward has sent out invitations to old friends and
colleagues to a fancy dress party to celebrate his appointment of
'Director of Football' at Southampton FC. The invitation sent to Andy
Robinson suggests that he comes as a Pumpkin. Said Sir Clive,
"Hopefully, at midnight, he'll turn into a coach".

[nilesfunnies] [Fwd: BA Plagiarism Studies]

[From the Laurie Taylor column in the Times Higher Education Supplement]
- Of interest to those who write Focus, or resignation speeches...

University of Poppleton: BA in plagiarism studies
Following the increased attention being accorded to the question of
plagiarism in higher education, we are pleased to announce the launch of
a new degree in plagiarism studies. Following the increased attention
being accorded to the question of plagiarism in higher education, we are
pleased to announce the launch of a new degree in plagiarism studies.
Graduates from this course may look forward to obtaining well-paid
employment in many of the sectors of commerce that currently place a
heavy reliance on plagiarism: daytime tv (presenting and producing);
takeaway pizza advertising; the preparation of political manifestos;
writing chancellors' degree-day speeches; devising "family and children"
statements for discredited politicians; and the compilation of mantras
and litanies.
All students will be required to take compulsory courses in the
following subject areas; constructive photocopying; intermediate and
advanced cut-and-paste techniques; disguising critical sources;
counterfeiting names and dates; evading electronic detection tools;
bypassing attributions; wholesale downloading; dubious citations;
makey-uppy quotations; intermediate and advanced paraphrasing; general
principles of collusion; and submitting other peoples work: theory and
Students on this course will be examined by tutoes who are specially
trained in the detection of originality. Any sign of such a
characteristic in submitted work will attract serious penalties. In the
words of our chief external examiner: "Graduates from this course will
not be expected to have a single original idea in their heads."
Successful undergraduate students may consider applying for a place on
our newly founded postgraduate course in advanced and contagious
plagiarism: MPhil bubonic plagiarism.
We look forward to hearing from you. We look forward to hearing from you.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: A Major Technological Breakthrough

A Major Technological Breakthrough

Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organised Knowledge device, trade named:

BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no
electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched
on. It's so easy to use, even a child can operate it.

Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an
armchair by the fire -- yet it is powerful enough to hold as much
information as a CD-ROM disc. Here's how it works:

BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper
(recyclable), each capable of holding hundreds of bits of
information. The pages are locked together with a custom-fit device
called a binder, which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence.

Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides
of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs.
Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in
information density; for now, BOOKs with more information simply use
more pages.

Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly
into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet.
BOOK may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it.

Unlike other display devices, BOOK never crashes or requires
rebooting, and it can even be dropped on the floor or stepped on
without damage. However, it can become unusable if immersed in water
for a significant period of time. The "browse" feature allows you to
move instantly to any sheet and move forward or backward as you wish.
Many come with an "index" feature, which pinpoints the exact location
of selected information for instant retrieval.

An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open BOOK to the exact
place you left it in a previous session -- even if the BOOK has been
closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single
BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely,
numerous BOOKmarkers can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants
to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the
number of pages in the BOOK.

You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an
optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic
Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).

Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a
precursor of a new entertainment wave. Also, BOOK's appeal seems so
certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the
platform and investors are reportedly flocking. Look for a flood of
new titles soon.


---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: There have been 27 cases of Ryanair passengers arriving at Rodez

There have been 27 cases of Ryanair passengers arriving at Rodez
(Aveyron, France) under the impression that they were in the Greek
island of Rhodes

Re: [nilesfunnies] Lib Dems

> What do Jeremy Thorpe and Capt. James T. Kirk have in common ?
> They both like beaming up Scotty.

Ah.. I thought they both asked Scotty for more thrust..

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | We're not heroes! | We're from Finchley! |

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Zagat outtakes

Zagat outtakes

>From the US:

The Zagat guides are a series of little red books rating restaurants in a
variety of cities. Instead of using a single reviewer, they work by
gathering multiple reviews from volunteers, averaging the numerical
ratings, and assembling text filled with quotes from the submitted

On their web site is an "outtakes" section, gathering the best quotes that
their lawyers wouldn't allow them to use in the official reviews. For

Be sure to sit in the no-shooting section.

If this place doesn’t get you laid, nothing will.

A petri dish gone horribly, horribly wrong.

Chef’s responsibility is to turn on the microwave.

If I want a fatty sandwich served by a walking attitude, I'll go to mom’s.

The proportions are the size of Jesse Helms’ grants to the arts.

Grandma cooked like this, grandpa died young.

Have yet to learn that heat is an integral part of the cooking process.

‘Breaking bread’ should not mean you have to use the side of the table.

The quiche of death.

Thought I heard the sound of a thousand dead Italian grandmothers roll
over in their graves when I entered.

The rodents wear aprons and bus tables on slow nights.

Ignore the cat's rump parked on the table you're about to be served on.

The staff is as pleasant as a truck driver with hemorrhoids.

Underneath the BBQ sauce, expect any number of surprises, from the
unrecognizable to the undead.

Service was slower than geology.

Would have taken a chain saw to cut through the squid.

More plastic boobs in the bar area than a Barbie collection.

Watching over-50 gay bikers sing Barbra Streisand is now off my to-do

Friday, January 20, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: The Priest

The Priest

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from
Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest
whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favour?"

"Of course my child, what can I do for you?"

"Here is the problem; I bought myself a new sophisticated
hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of
money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I
am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you
think you could hide it under your cassock?"

"Of course I could, my child, but you must realise that I
cannot lie."

"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not
ask you any questions," and she gave him the 'hair remover.'

The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest
presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you
have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to
declare, my son," he replied.

Finding this reply strange the customs officer asked, "And
from the sash down, what do you have?"

The priest replied, "I have there a marvellous little
instrument destined for use by women, but which has never
been used."

Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said "Go ahead
Father. Next!”

---- End Forwarded Message ----

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Re: [nilesfunnies] Icons

first girl walks passed the in-crowd
"Wow! nice boots. Wedja get'em?" "Dorothy Perkins"

second girl walks passed.
"Lovely wooly!" "I got this from Dorothy Perkins"

third girl waks by
"How did you get that lovely dress?" "From Dorothy Perkins"

finally a tearful girl runs passed wearing only her underwear
"Who are you?" "Dorothy Perkins!"

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | We're not heroes! | We're from Finchley! |

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Elephant never forgets

Elephant never forgets
An elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a
log. The elephant ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear
across the river.

"Why did you do that?" asks a passing giraffe.

"Because I recognised it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my
trunk 47 years ago."

"Wow, what a memory!" says the giraffe.

"Yes," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."
---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] [Fwd: Great Legal Jokes (no. 94)]

He, in a few minutes ravished this fair creature, or at least would
have ravished her, if she had not, by a timely compliance, prevented

Henry Fielding (1707 - 1754) "Jonathan Wild"

(Mr. Fielding was a Justice of the Peace, but not such a famous one as
his brother).

[nilesfunnies] Fw: To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own,

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own,
grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or is something to make
you chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take
comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His
own children After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"

Keep Scrolling

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

Keep Scrolling

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden

"No Way!"

Keep scrolling

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.


"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He
hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later,
God saw His children having an apple break and He was angry! "Didn't I
tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said

"Did not!"

"Did too!"


Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has
never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY! If you have persistently and
lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be
hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you
think it would be a piece of cake for you?

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and
talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for
word what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself
that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We child proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing
home one day.




---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: What it means to be British

What it means to be British
One of the British national daily newspapers is asking readers "what it
means to be British?" Some of the emails are hilarious but this is one
from a chap in Switzerland ...

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for A
Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American
shows on a Japanese TV.
And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Football chants

Apparently this was the chant to Lord of the Dance tune at Man United the
other day:
"Park, Park, Where-ever you may be
You eat dogs in your home country
But it could be worse - You could be a scouse
Eating rats in your council house"

(To the tune of The Addams Family) by fans visiting Norwich:
"Your sister is your mother, your uncle is your brother
You all f@*k one another, The Norwich family
der der der der clap clap etc

Newcastle fans towards Sunderland fans.
''Going down, going down, going down"
Sunderland fans reply.....
"So are we , so are we , so are we ".

"Where's your real dad, where's your real dad!?"
Charlton fans to Shaun Wright-Philips

Toon fans to JF Hasselbaink (he even laughed!):
"You're just a fat Eddie Murphy"

(To the tune of Craig David - Rewind):

To Graham Rix when he was released from prison after being convicted for,
well, you know... (To the Manic Street Preachers song):
"If you tolerate RIX, then your children will be next"

(To the tune of "when the saints" West brom sang):
"the premier league is upside down, the premier league is upside down.
up the top and chelsea bottom,
the premier league is upside down"
Then a few seconds later..
"champions!...............champions!....... ......champions!

He's here, he's there
We're not allowed to swear
Frank Leboeuf, Frank Leboeuf"
Chelsea fans after Leboeuf said in a radio interview that
he didn't like the idea of a swear word in his song.

A song about Tim Howard's tourettes syndrome.....
"in style of Chim-Chiminey"
"Tim timminy, Tim timminy, Tim Tim Tirooo
We've got Tim Howard and he says F*CK YOU!!

In reference to Jaime Carragher's dad being banned from football stadia
after being arrested for being drunk at a football match..
"He's red,He's sound, He's banned from every ground, Carra's dad, Carra's

Sung by Birmingham fans after Heskey started banging in the goals at St
"Theres only one Emile Heskey, one Emile Heskey,
He used to be sh**e, But now hes alright,
Walking in a Heskey wonderland"

Here's a beauty sung at Highbury when Cygan is drafted in as emergency
He's bald, He's sh*t, He gets a game when no-one's fit,
Pascal Cygan! Pascal Cygan!

To the tune of Rebel Rebel
Neville Neville, you play in defence,
Neville Neville, your play is immense,
Neville Neville, like Jacko you're bad,
Neville Neville is the name of your dad

Don't blame it on the Biscan,
Don't blame it on the Hamann,
Don't blame it on the Finnan,
Blame it on Traore,
He just can't, He just can't, He just can't control his feet.
He just can't, He just can't, He just can't control his feet.

"Two Andy Gorams, there's only two andy gorams"
Celtic fans to Andy Goram after its revealed the chubby keeper was
diagnosed with Schizophrenia.

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Warning Probable Leftie LibDem inspired Joke.

President Bush is so worried about bird flu he wants to bomb the

[nilesfunnies] Fw: The Ant & The Grasshopper

The Ant & The Grasshopper

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a
fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the
ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or
shelter, so he dies out in the cold.



The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a
fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the
ant is warm and well fed.

The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why
the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less
fortunate, like him, are cold and starving.

The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper;
with cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm home with a table
laden with food.

Britons are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor
grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.

The Labour Party, Greenpeace and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate
in front of the ant's house. The BBC, interrupting a Jamaican cultural
festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts them
singing "We Shall Overcome"

Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the ant
has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate
tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share".

In response to polls, the Labour Government drafts the Economic Equity and
Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the

The ant's taxes are reassessed, and he is also fined for failing to hire
grasshoppers as helpers.

Without enough money to pay both the fine and his newly imposed
retroactive taxes, the government repossesses his home.

The ant moves to Spain, and starts a successful wine-exporting company.

A Panorama special later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the
last of the ant's food, though Spring is still months away, while the
council house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house,
crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain it.

Inadequate government funding is blamed, Trevor Phillips is appointed to
head a commission of enquiry that will cost £10,000,000.

The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, the Daily Mirror blames
it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of
despair arising from social inequity.

The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders, praised
by the government for enriching Britain's multicultural diversity, who
promptly set up a marijuana plantation and terrorise the community.


---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Squeeze that lemon

Squeeze that lemon
The local pub was so sure that its head barman was the strongest that they
set a £500 bet.

The barman would squeeze a lemon until as much juice as he could get out
came out. If anyone could then squeeze out any more from the lemon than he
had they would win the money.

Many people tried (including weight lifters, truck drivers, builders, etc)
but no one could squeeze out any more.

Then one day a pale, skinny streak of a man came to the pub and said in a
high pitched voice, "I'd like to try the bet, please!"

Once the laughter had died down the barman said, still in hysterics,
"Okay" and then squeezed the lemon with all his might, giving the wrinkled
lemon to the little man once he could squeeze out no more.

The little man then held the lemon and gently applied a little pressure.
The whole pub gasped as he squeezed and out came 6 drops! Stunned, the
barman admitted defeated. But before he handed over the prize money he
asked the man, "We've had all sorts of the strongest men try, from weight
lifters to truckers, mechanics to lumberjacks and none have beat me. So
where did a skinny runt of a bloke like you get learn how to squeeze out a
bit more?"

"Easy," replied the man, "I work for Inland Revenue!"

Cheers, neil

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Basra when they came

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Basra when they came
upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the
opposite side of the road was an American Marine in similar but
less serious state.

The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to
both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along
the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.
We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the

"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife,
scumbag, and he yelled back that Senator Ted Kennedy is a
good-for-nothing, fat, left wing liberal drunk.

So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid,
mean spirited woman!" He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well so
does Hillary Clinton!"

"And, there we were, standing in the middle of the road shaking
hands, when a truck hit us."

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Irish maths test

An Irishman applies for a job, but the foreman won't employ him until he
passes a little maths test.

"Here's your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers,
represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the Irishman says, "Dat is easy." and proceeds to draw
three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Haven't you got a brain? Tree and tree and tree makes nine," says the

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Apply the
same rules using the number 99, this time."

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture
that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Dere you go."

The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to
represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and
dirty tree. Dat equals 99."

The boss starts getting worried that he's actually going to have to give
the Irishman the job, so he says," All right, final question: same rules
again, but represent the number 100."

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture
again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Dere you
go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the illustration and bursts out: "You must be nuts if
you think that represents a hundred!"

Whereby the Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of
each tree, saying: "A little dog came along and crapped by each tree. So
now you've got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty
tree and a turd, dat makes one hundred. ... So, when do I be starting the

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: extract:

The result gave Labour a Parliamentary majority of 66. It also produced
some interesting statistics:

Labour's percentage of votes - at 36% (down by 5% from 2001) - is the
lowest any winning party has ever achieved.

More people voted for the Conservatives in England than for Labour -
but the Conservatives won 92 seats less than Labour within England (285
to 193). The Conservatives received 60,000 more votes than Labour in

There was an overall turnout of 61% - up 2% from 2001. But this still
means that 1/3rd of those registered to vote did not do so. More people
opted not to vote (38.7%) than voted for Labour (36%).

Labour's share of the total possible electorate was 22%.

Labour got 55% of the seats but 36% of the votes cast

The Conservatives got 30% of the seats but 33% of the votes cast

The Liberal Democrats got 10% of the seats but 22% of the votes cast.

Both the Electoral Reform Society and 'Make Votes Count' expressed
their concern that democracy within the UK was being severely diluted
by the continued use of the 'first-past-the-post' system.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: That's Telling Them

I am grateful to solicitor Richard Miller for the following:-

(The Court of Appeal recently had to interpret some of the provisions in
the Criminal Justice Act 2003).

Thursday, 8th December 2005
B E F O R E:
- - - - - - -

paragraph 14 of the judgement is a cracker:-

"So, yet again, the courts are faced with a sample of the deeply
confusing provisions of the Criminal Justice Act 2003, and the
satellite Statutory Instruments to which it is giving stuttering
birth. The most inviting course for this Court to follow, would be
for its members, having shaken their heads in despair to hold up
their hands and say: "the Holy Grail of rational interpretation is
impossible to find". But it is not for us to desert our judicial
duty, however lamentably others have legislated. But, we find little
comfort or assistance in the historic canons of construction for
determining the will of Parliament which were fashioned in a more
leisurely age and at a time when elegance and clarity of thought and
language were to be found in legislation as a matter of course
rather than exception."

That's judicial frustration for you - beautifully expressed too!

Wednesday, January 11, 2006



Crawford, Texas (AP) -- A tragic flood this morning destroyed the
personal library of President George W. Bush. The flood began in the
Presidential Bathroom where the books were kept. At this time, both
are believed lost. White House spokesman Scott McClellan reports
that the President is devastated by the loss of the books, in light
of the fact that he had almost finished coloring the first one.

FEMA was not available following the catastrophe

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Why is Menzies pronounced Mingis?

The BBC explains <>, and
adds this rather fine limerick:

A lively young damsel named Menzies
Inquired: "Do you know what this thenzies?"
Her aunt, with a gasp,
Replied: "It's a wasp,
And you're holding the end where the stenzies."

Sunday, January 08, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: If you want to lose weight,

If you want to lose weight,
go to the moon.

If you want to lose mass, go on a diet.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Chambers

Chamber's Twentieth Century Dictionary was first published in 1901, under
the industrious editorship of Thomas Davidson. The dictionary was to become
the recommended source for crossword puzzles because of the inclusion of
obsolete, dialectical and Scottish words in its extensive lexicon.
Dictionary fans loved the quirky and individualistic definitions which were
started by Davidson and continued by later editors. William Geddie, in his
preface to the 1962 edition, commented on these amateur lexicographers.
'Scores of users have sent in single words and lists of words. We have not
accepted all their definitions. One was disappointed not to find
myristicivorous, feeding upon nutmegs, a word to which we grant this place
on the doorstep but still deny admission to the dictionary.' The Rev. Thomas
Davidson served with the Edinburgh firm of Chambers for 17 years over the
turn of the century. He was a clergyman by profession, but spent much of his
life in literary work, particularly in editing reference works. In 1914 he
took up the charge of a church in south Ayshire, and he died in 1923 at the
age of 67.

After Davidson's departure from Chambers his post was filled by the brothers
William and Liddell Geddie, who supervised and carried out editorial work up
to the greatly refashioned edition of 1952. The Geddie brothers, noted for
their whimsicality as well as their scholarship. were responsible for a
number of unconventional definitions, among them William's picturesque
baby-sitter - 'one who mounts guard over a baby to relieve the usual
attendant', and Liddell's famous definition of éclair - 'a cake long in
shape but short in duration'. Miss A M Macdonald, assistant editor under the
Geddies and subsequently chief editor of the 1972 edition, realising that
the dictionary was now being increasingly used by 'English learners',
especially in the emergent countries, was inclined to take a somewhat
critical view of some of her predecessors' flights of 'innocent merriment',
hence the modification, even the disappearance, of some of the old
favourites. Not surprisingly, the gibe in Davidson's new woman - 'a name
applied, especially by scoffers in the late 19th century, to such women as
actively sought freedom and equality with men'. One definition, in a prewar
supplement, had a very short life: vamp - 'a featherless bird of prey'.

Some of the unique definitions to be found in earlier editions of Chamber's
Twentieth Century Dictionary were noted in correspondences to The Listener
in 1979.

* middle-aged - 'between youth and old age, variously reckoned to suit
the reckoner'
* charity begins at home - 'usually an excuse for not allowing it to get
* kazoo - 'a would-be musical instrument'
* jay walker - 'a contemptuous word applied to careless pedestrians by
motorists who have to avoid running them down'
* Land o' the Leal - 'the home of the blessed after death - heaven not
* sea-serpent - 'an enormous marine animal of serpent-like form,
frequently seen and described by credulous sailors, imaginative landsmen and
common liars'
* noose - 'a snare or bond generally, especially hanging or marriage'
* end-reader - 'one who peeps at the end of a novel to see if she got
* double-locked - 'locked by two turns of the key, as in very few locks,
but many novels'
* ghost word - 'a word that has originated in the blunder of a scribe or
printer - common in dictionaries'

The editors of the latest edition of the Chambers Dictionary (1998) state
in their preface - 'Those many users who have enjoyed the uniquely witty
definitions of Chambers (eg éclair) will be pleased to find that we have
added some more.' In his monthly slip, the crossword setter Azed, himself a
lexicographer, has indicated the absence of identify as well as the placing
of oblong before Oblomovism, and has suggested the definitions of the
following as humorous entries in the current edition - bafflegab, Jacquard
loom, and perpetrate.

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | We're not heroes! | We're from Finchley! |

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: Wild xmas party

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the
stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from
humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries
once a month.

Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his
door. He opens it and sees a huge, bearded man standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road...Having a
Christmas party Friday night...Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some
local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some

"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink
with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be
some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."

"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea "I've
been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way,
what should I wear?"

"Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."


Monday, January 02, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Blondes!

Picture a beautiful California Morning on the beach, the sun
has just risen over the ocean, the sand pure white, the ocean
a beautiful shimmering blue with the morning sun shining over
A stunning young blonde girl is jogging along the beach in
very brief Puma shorts and a crop top that barely covers her
voluptuous breasts. A mile or so down the beach jogging in
the opposite direction is a young (mid twenties) fit looking
young guy. He's wearing just jogging shorts. As he is
jogging, in the distance his eye catches a glimpse of
something on the sand.
As he jogs further he sees it's yellow. He gets closer and
closer and discovers it's a tennis ball. He stops, picks it
up and discovers that it is a new tennis ball. He thinks, hey
a wind fall. He doesn't want to carry it and having no
pockets he just stuffs it down his shorts and continues
A short while later as the girl jogging in the opposite
directions draws closer, from a distance she can see the
bulge in his shorts. She gets to within twenty feet and stops
dead in her tracks and stares at his crotch fascinated. When
the guy is just in front of her he sees she is staring at his
crotch so he stops. She points at the bulge in his crotch and
exclaims, "What's that!" He says, "It's a tennis ball" She
replies... "Geez, I bet that's painful, I had tennis elbow
once and that really hurt like hell!".

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