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Tuesday, February 28, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Your chance to make lots of money !

This is your chance of a lifetime - please read.

I am in the process of entering into a very profitable deal involving a
very select and sought after country hotel. This is not your run of the
mill rubbish type establishment - this is one of the most tasteful country
hotels for miles around. Conference facilities available + shooting in many
acres of private land if needed. Land to be extended soon

I expect the deal to be finalised later this week but I feel I should offer
others the chance to make money quickly. If you feel you can spare the odd
£50K then please contact me at :-

Ms C. Pemberton
Grange Farm
FM37 8HF

Don't leave it too late as I'm sure there will be many takers for this
fantastic affer.

Thank you.

Trust me

C Pemberton

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | We're not heroes! | We're from Finchley! |

Sunday, February 26, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Priorities

The telephone rings ...

"Hello, Señor Lucky? This is Manuel the caretaker at your country house,
in the Dominican Republic."

"Ah yes, Manuel. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor, that your parrot died."

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Señor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he
die from?"

"From eating rotten meat, Señor"

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Señor Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the
water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor"

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on

"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the
candle for?"

"For the funeral, Señor."


"Your wife's, Señor...She showed up one night out of the blue and I
thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike


"Manuel, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shite ........!"

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Bird flu again ...

Bird flu again ...

In the event of bird flu hitting Britain, there are plans to inject
affected birds with Parkinson's, in the hope that they'll be able to shake
it off.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Another Welshman

Another Welshman
A Welsh man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After
several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant,
and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try
artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not
wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know
when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop
standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they
are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion
that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep
himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out
into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are
all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take,
and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the
woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and
goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.
"Try again" he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive
them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon
returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look but
of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are
lying in the grass.

"No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is
beeping the horn.

[nilesfunnies]Fwd: Marple is suspended over “offensive” programme


Marple has been suspended from ITV1 for four weeks, it was announced
today. The Adjudication Panel of the Standards Board for Television took
the action following a complaint from the Agatha Christie Society, which
described the series as “deeply offensive”. The complaint cited
Geraldine McEwan’s awful acting and a string of hammy guest actors.

A spokesman for ITV said the decision was disgraceful. “Millions of
people tune in to Marple every week. If they don’t want to watch it,
they can turn it off. The three members of the Adjudication Panel don’t
even have TVs.”

The chairman of the panel, Colonel Masterson Grange, said it had decided
on a ban because Geraldine McEwan had failed to apologise for her

Midsomer Murders will take the role of Flagship Sunday Night Whodunit
while Marple serves out the sentence.

[nilesfunnies] St Johns Wood

St Johns Wood is the only tube station on the London Underground whose
name shares no letters with the word "mackeral"

Useless fact, eh?

Friday, February 24, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Poker Game

Poker Game
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when
Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops
dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue
playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's
to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him
to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet.
Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs.
Murphy answers and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares: "Your husband just lost $500 playing poker and is
afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Just been reminded of this one

Just been reminded of this one

Lavender's blue dilly dilly
Lavender's green
When I am King dilly dilly
You shall be the Duchess of Cornwall

Thursday, February 23, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Bird Flu Hits Britain


Wednesday, February 22, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Spelling Time

Spelling Time

It was the beginning of term at a primary school in Bolton. The
teacher asked the children their names one at a time, and for each to
spell their name out loud.

When she came to a young Pakistani boy and asked his name, he
replied, "Ravashanka Vankatarataam Bannerjee."

"How do you spell that?" asked the teacher.

"My mother helps me," said the little boy.

Friday, February 17, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: Fw: Bush-talk

WOMAN IN AUDIENCE: 'I don't really understand. How is the new plan
going to fix the problem?'

Verbatim response: PRESIDENT BUSH:

'Because the -- all which is on the table begins to address the big cost
drivers. For example, how benefits are calculated, for example, is on
the table. Whether or not benefits rise based upon wage increases or
price increases. There's a series of parts of the formula that are being
considered. And when you couple that, those different cost drivers,
affecting those -- changing those with personal accounts, the idea is to
get what has been promised more likely to be -- or closer delivered to
that has been promised. Does that make any sense to you? It's kind of
muddled. Look, there's a series of things that cause the -- like, for
example, benefits are calculated based upon the increase of wages, as
opposed to the increase of prices. Some have suggested that we calculate
-- the benefits will rise based upon inflation, supposed to wage
increases. There is a reform that would help solve the red if that were
put into effect. In other words, how fast benefits grow, how fast the
promised benefits grow, if those -- if that growth is affected, it will
help on the red.'

Forward this to others -- so they, too, can understand...

Thursday, February 16, 2006

[nilesfunnies] With apologies to Scotland fans

With apologies to Scotland fans
Fast forward to 2010 - it is just before Scotland v England at the next
World Cup Group game. Rooney goes into the Englands changing room to
find all his teammates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know
it's important but it's only Scotland. They're sh*te and we can't be

Rooney looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by
myself, you lads go down the pub."

So Rooney goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the
English team go off for a few jars.

After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the
landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads
"England 1 - Scotland 0 (Rooney 10minutes)". He is beating Scotland all
by himself!

Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone
remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put
the teletext on.

"Result from the Stadium "England 1 (Rooney 10 minutes) - Scotland 1
(Mcsh*te 89 minutes)".

They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against
Scotland!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find
him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his

He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland, all by yourself. And
they only scored at the very, very end!"

"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"


Re: [nilesfunnies] Question for Irishrats

Why did the Irishman wear two condoms?

To be sure, to be sure.

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | We're not heroes! | We're from Finchley! |

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: Letters to the editor but never published

Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes
this summer, which rightly earned Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff BBC Sports
personality of the Year. Winning a two-team tournament against a
nation with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then
never shutting up about it makes me proud to be British. Ben Hunt

The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of
heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are
living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I
wish they'd make their minds up. John

'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial
says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30. Colum Hill

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a
mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail loose
around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I
would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the
extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery. L Palmer, London

The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD
pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make
from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they
stop breaking the law, so will I. P Boddington, Ringway

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's
m!nge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh? P, Leeds

It really annoys me to see these suicide bombers blowing up people as
well as themselves. In my day, suicide was done in a more dignified
way, such as slicing your wrists in the bath, or hanging yourself from
a door with a belt. Paul Mulraney, Belfast

On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to
reach the final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to
be a correct answer. The question asked 'What 'C' would you associate
Jeremy Clarkson with?' to which I confidently replied '<unt'. Not only
was I told the answer was incorrect, but I was asked by the holiday
rep to leave the premises immediately. Has anyone else experienced
such appalling treatment whilst holidaying with one's family? Noel,

My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing
board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless
remark to make than this? Alun Daniel

I'LL never understand my neighbour. He has recently started
wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently
parked it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or
both. Alan Thakray

Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of
Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?

On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in
Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've
obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road.
Alan J., London

Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's
Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits
climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should
get some faster cars. T Barnham, London

Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris
patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim cleric
Abu Hamsa. Les Barnsley

How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million
selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's
football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law
for the rich and another for the poor. Reg Ashcroft, Bradford

The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in
Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it
just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't
told the poor sods? John Campbell, e-mail

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What
about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on
about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.
Mike Woods, e-mail

With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces
soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include
a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the tw*t quickly
enough the last time he played hide and seek with them. Shuggie, Email

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with
the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters.
I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their
splendid sense of humour. Chris Scaife, Jesmond

I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David
Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much,
but isn't this taking gloating just a little too far? Dave Owen,

I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death.
But I was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the
famous Countdown "da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he
took his final breaths. Tripod

I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad
is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in
customs. Stan

What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being
the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that. Thomas J


Tuesday, February 14, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Overheard in an Insurance call centre

Overheard in an Insurance call centre

Call centre operator - 'So Madam, you are reporting an accident involving
your car and a van that happened on the housing estate were you live. I
now have all your details but can I just confirm the 3 letters of your car
registration are N for November, M for Mike and F for Foxtrot?'

Woman driver - ' That's correct, but could you please write it down as N
for Not, M for My and F for Fault ...'

[nilesfunnies] Fw: The gynaecologist II

A woman explains to the doctor that she's got a problem with her aviaries.

"I think you mean ovaries, my dear".

"No, doctor, my aviaries".

"OK, well let me examine you ....

... Oh I see what you mean. You've certainly had a cockatoo up there."

[nilesfunnies] Fw: The gynaecologist

The gynaecologist

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynaecologist.

"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's
nothing you can't tell me."

"This one's kind of strange..."

"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.

"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and
heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water
was full of pennies."

"I see."

"That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there
were nickels in the bowl."

"That night," she went on, "I went again, plink-plink-plink, and there
were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me
what's wrong with me!", she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!"

The gynaecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.
"There, there, it's nothing to be scared about."
"You're simply going through the change!

Monday, February 13, 2006

Re: [nilesfunnies] Obsession

Guido Natso allegedly received a review once that read, 'Guido Natso is
natso guido.'

I'd love that to be true.

Like the review of 'I Am A Camera' that read, 'Me no Leica.'

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | We're not heroes! | We're from Finchley! |

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Elk hunting

Even though King Gustav of Sweden was getting on a bit, he still liked to
go shooting, and as his eyesight wasn't too good all the other hunters
were warned that if he looked in their direction they should call out "I'm
not the elk".

One day a foreign diplomat strayed into his line of fire and, despite his
warning cries, the old boy shot him in the leg.

As the victim was being put on a stretcher, King Gustav king came over,
very contrite, and said, "I'm frightfully sorry, I'm getting a bit deaf
and I thought you said 'I AM the elk'."

[nilesfunnies] Fw:

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Osama reaps his reward

Osama reaps his reward
After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly
gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington. "How dare you attack the
nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans'
liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the Federal
government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on
Osama's knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James
Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and

As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him
back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams
to Muhammed "This is not what I was promised!"

Muhammed replies "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you,
idiot. What did you think I said?"

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: the soldier

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would
pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and
put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged
to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded
that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the
army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”

[nilesfunnies] Fw: 3 Daughters

3 Daughters
A mother had 3 daughters. They were all getting married within a short
time period. Because mom was a bit worried about how their sex lives
would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the
honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The
card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at first, but then went
to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last
drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and
the card read: "Benson & Hedges." Mom now knew to go straight to her
husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra
Long. King Size." She was again slightly embarrased but still happy for
her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a
week, nothing. Another week went by, and still nothing. Then after a
whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky
handwriting were the words: "British Airways." Mom took out her latest
Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst,
and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a
day, seven days a week, both ways." Mom fainted.

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Sex life

When the good Lord was making the world, he called Man aside and bestowed
upon him 20 years of normal sex life. Man was horrified, but the Creator
refused to budge. Then the Lord called the Monkey and gave him 20 years.
"But I don't need 20 years," said the Monkey. "Ten years is plenty."

"May I have the other 10 years?" asked Man. The Monkey agreed. The Lord
called the Lion next and also gave him 20 good years. The Lion also only
wanted 10, so again Man asked for the remaining ten. Then came the Donkey,
who was also granted 20 years. Like the others, 10 was more than enough.
Man again asked for the spare ten years and got them.

This explains why Man has 20 years of normal sex life, 10 years of
monkeying around, 10 years of lion 'bout it, and 10 years of making an ass
out of himself.

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Don't you just love our local press?

Don't you just love our local press?

Where you will find...

Online poll:
Is the Winter Olympics worth watching?
o Sir Menzies Campbell
o Chris Huhne
o Simon Hughes
o Yes
o No


(apparently, yes and no are behind, so far)

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Atheists around the world where outraged

Atheists around the world where outraged yesterday when 12 blank sheets of
paper was found at a newspaper cartoonists desk.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: A Welsh hillside

A Welsh hillside

A farmer was out on his Welsh hillside tending his flock one day, when he
saw a man drinking with a cupped hand from the stream which ran down from
one of his fields

Realising the danger, he shouted over to the man "Paid a yfed y dwr! Mae'n
ych-y-fi!" (Don't drink the water. It's disgusting!)

The man at the stream lifted his head and put a cupped hand to his ear
shrugged his shoulders at the farmer, and carried on drinking.
Realising the man at the stream couldn't hear him, the farmer moved closer
and yelled..."Paid a yfed! Dwr ych-y-fi! Defaid yn cachu yn y dwr!"(Don't
drink. Water's disgusting. Sheep crap in the water.)

Still the walker couldn't hear the farmer. Finally the farmer walked right
up to the man at the stream and once again said..."Dwr yn ych-y-fi! Paid
a'i yfed!" (Water's disgusting. Don't drink it!)

"I'm dreadfully sorry my good man, I couldn't understand a word you said
dear boy! Can't you speak English???" said the man at the stream in an
extremely fine English accent.

"Oh I see....," said the farmer. "I was just saying, if you use both hands
you can get plenty more in..."

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Brokeback Mountain Weekly Grocery Lists

Brokeback Mountain Weekly Grocery Lists

for Ennis Del Mar and Jack Twist, Summer, 1963


~· Beans

~· Bacon

~· Coffee

~· Whiskey


~· Beans

~· Ham

~· Coffee

~· Whiskey


~· Beans al fresca

~· Thin-sliced Bacon

~· Hazelnut Coffee

~· Sky vodka & Tanqueray gin

~· K-Y gel


~· Beans en salade

~· Pancetta

~· Coffee (espresso grind)

~· 5-6 bottles best Chardonnay

~· 2 tubes K-Y gel


~· Fresh Fava beans

~· Jasmine rice

~· Prosciutto, approx. 8 ounces, thinly sliced

~· Medallions of veal

~· Porcini mushrooms

~· 1/2 pint of heavy whipping cream

~· 1 Cub Scout uniform, size 42 long

~· 5-6 bottles French Bordeaux (Estate Reserve)

~· 1 extra large bottle Astro-glide


~· Yukon Gold potatoes

~· Heavy whipping cream

~· Asparagus (very thin)

~· Organic Eggs

~· Spanish Lemons

~· Gruyere cheese (well aged)

~· Crushed Walnuts

~· Arborio Rice for Risotto

~· Arugula

~· Clarified Butter

~· Extra Virgin Olive oil

~· Pure Balsamic vinegar

~· 6 yards white silk organdy

~· 6 yards pale ivory taffeta

~· 3 Cases of Dom Perignon Masters Reserve

~· Large tin Crisco

Copyright ©John Hein 2006

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Paddy had been drinking

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the
night. Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking any more tonight,

Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then". Paddy spins around on his
stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face.

"Shoite, Shoite!"

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to
the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and
shimmies up to the door frame.

He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels
much better and takes a step out onto the pavement.

He falls flat on his face.

"Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and
shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way".

But he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to
the bed".

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

He says "Fock this, I gotta stop drinking," and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of
coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"

Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?"

"Mick left your wheelchair at the pub"

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Fit

I was in the pub the other day when someone told me this:

What do you do you do if your nan has a fit in the bath?

Chuck in some detergent and your dirty laundry.

At which point someone leaned over and said, "How dare you say that? I'll
have you know that my nan died like that."

"She choked on a sock"

Thursday, February 09, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Confidential Prison Service Memo - Abu Hamza

To: Charles Clarke, Home Secretary

From: Steve Hodgson, Head of Human Resources, Prison Service

Date: 7th Feb 2006

Subject: Enabling New Customers

Dear Charles,

Please accept my belated thanks for the Christmas card and small bottle
of vintage malt whisky. I wasn't aware that Asda possessed their own
distillery. How very knowledgable of you, it I may say so, Home

As a Key Grade One Stakeholder in the ongoing Enabling Customers
Working Group, I hope you won't object to my opportunism in sending
this memorandum. I understand from recent press reports that the
radical Muslim cleric Abu Hamza has just received a sentence of seven
years. May I personally congratulate you on this success. Thanks to
you, we can all sleep more safely in our beds at night. Well, at least
we can when we're not on duty.

As you may be aware, there will be fierce competition amongst the
prison governors to secure Mr Hamza's custom. Had you given any thought
to which prison he might chose? Whilst I would be the first to applaud
your wise policy of 'Customer Choice', I think you should consider
limiting Mr Hamza's options to the larger establishments. In
particular, I would strongly advocate selecting a prison which has a
thriving entertainments initiative.

The governors of Belmarsh and Wormwood Scrubs have already been in
contact asking for permission to amend their theatrical programmes to
provide for a seasonal Christmas pantomime. Coincidentally, both have
alighted upon PETER PAN.

Far be it from me to seek to influence you on this matter, but I
thought you might like to reflect upon the prifitable photo
opportunities that could arise from such a venture were Mr Hamza to be
involved. Christmas is the perfect time to put aside cultural and
social enmity and heralde our commonly shared values (even if Muslims
don't actually celebrate Christmas). By engaging Mr Hamza in an
empathy-inducing social activity we could demonstrate to the world at
large that not only had we broken the cleric's extreme resolve, but
that we are a tolerant and forgiving society.

His hook would also come in very useful.

Yours sincerely,

Steve Hodgson

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: Fit

I was in the pub the other day when someone told me this:

What do you do you do if your nan has a fit in the bath?

Chuck in some detergent and your dirty laundry.

At which point someone leaned over and said, "How dare you say that?
I'll have you know that my nan died like that."

"She choked on a sock"

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Husband Super Store

Husband Super Store
Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a
Husband from among many men. It was laid out over five floors, with the
men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to
choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back
down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands.

First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids."
The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a
job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are
extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's
further up?"

Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good
looking, love kids and help with the housework."
"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so
further up they went."

Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids,
are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong
romantic streak."
"Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further

So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove
that women are f**king impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we
hope you fall down the stairs."

[nilesfunnies] Fw: apres Groundhog day

This year, both Groundhog Day and the State of the
Union Address fall in the same week.

As someone on Air America Radio pointed out, "It is
an ironic juxtaposition: One involves a meaningless
ritual in which we look to a creature of little
intelligence for prognostication, and the other
involves a groundhog."

Saturday, February 04, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: red, orange, yellow, green, blue & violet

red, orange, yellow, green, blue & violet

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A teenager sat down next to
him. He had spiked hair that was red, orange, yellow, green, blue &

The old man stared. Whenever the teen looked, the old man was staring.

Finally, the teenager said sarcastically "What's the matter, old man,
never done anything wild in your life?"

Without missing a beat the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex
with a peacock. Just wondering if you were my son."

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Ralph the Rooster

A farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he
goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that
he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Ralph.
He'll service every chicken you got, no problem.

Well, Ralph the rooster costs £3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer
decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Ralph.

The farmer takes Ralph home and sets him down in the barnyard, but
first he gave the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now.
You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of

Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and
have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Ralph seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house
and Ralph takes off like a shot. WHAM! Ralph nails every hen in the hen
house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that,
the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Ralph is in

Later, the farmer sees Ralph after a flock of geese down by the lake.
Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese.

By sunset he sees Ralph out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The
farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even
last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next
morning to find Ralph on flat on his back out in the middle of the yard,
mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the

Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of
such a colourful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh,
Ralph, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now
look what you've done to yourself."

Ralph opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and
says, "Shhhh! They're getting closer."

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Tesco


One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My
elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and
the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It
takes ten seconds and only costs five pounds.....a lot
quicker and better than a doctor."

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He
deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis
elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will
improve in two weeks".

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack
began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water,
a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter,
and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposits
five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:-

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant - Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
get better....
....thank you for shopping at Tesco.

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Hospital


A man was brought in to the hospital intensive care ward, put in a bed,
tubes coming out everywhere. A week later, another man was admitted, in a
similar condition. Both lay there, machines pinging, tubes poking out etc.

It was a couple more weeks before one of them had the strength to raise
his hand and point to himself and say: "Scottish".

The other signalled he had heard, raised his own hand, and said
"Irish". This act tired them out so badly they both collapsed with

It was a week before the first summoned up the strength to say: "Glasgow".
Again the second replied in a weedy frail voice "Dublin". Once more, the
strain was too much for them both and they passed out.

Days passed before the first man managed to again point to himself and say

Replied the other "Paddy".

A few hours later, Jimmy managed to point to himself again and rasp out
weakly "Cancer".

Paddy responded, "Sagittarius".

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: DIVORCE

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce.

He asked "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the
property with a stream running by"

"No." he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband

He said "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No" she replied, "We have a wooden fence and have never really needed any

"Please" he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes" both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like
the music, but the answer to your questions is yes"

"Ma'am, does your husband beat you up?"

"Yes" she responded, "about twice a week, he gets up earlier than I do"

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a

"Oh, I don't want a divorce" she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce.
My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

---- End Forwarded Message ----

Friday, February 03, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: English teacher

English teacher
An English teacher was being released from prison. The nice looking
female clerk was about to give him the $100.00 they give to all
released prisoners. Since the inmate had not had female attention for
a long time, he suggested that she could keep the money if she would
have sex with him. He was immediately rearrested and thrown back into
jail. Everybody knows you should never end a sentence with a

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Difference in friendships between men and women

Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband
that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his
wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that
he had slept over at a mate's house. The woman called her husband's
10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and
two claimed that he was still there.

[nilesfunnies] OT - explaining relativity to the cat

It is by Jennifer Gresham, from "Diary of a Cell".

Explaining Relativity to the Cat

Imagine, if you will, three mice.
Contrary to what you have
heard, they are not blind
but are in a spaceship
traveling near the speed of light.
This makes them unavailable
for your supper, yes.

So these mice, traveling near
the speed of light, appear
quite fat, though there is
no cheese aboard. This is
simply a distortion of mass,
because the mass of a mouse
is nothing more than a bundle
of light, and vice versa. I see
how this might imply mice
are in the light fixtures,
undoubtedly a problem, so
let me try again.

If two people attempted
to feed you simultaneously,
no doubt a good situation,
but you were on a train
traveling near the speed
of light, the food would
appear unappetizing, falling
to the plate in slow motion,
an extended glob of protein
that never smelled good,
if you ask me, train or no.
The affinity of the food
for the plate, what we call
gravity, is really just
a stretch in the fabric
of a space-time continuum,
what happens when you
have sat in a seat too long,
perhaps on this very train.

Oh kitty, I know how you hate
to travel and the journey must
have made you tired. Come now,
lick your coat one more time
-and let us make haste
-from this strange city
-of light and fantastic dream.
Stephen <>

Into my heart an air that kills from yon far country blows:
What are those blue remembered hills, what spires, what farms are those?
That is the land of lost content, I see it shining plain,
The happy highways where I went and cannot come again.

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | We're not heroes! | We're from Finchley! |

[nilesfunnies] Fw: And another...

A bloke stops to visit his mate who has a broken leg. His friend says,
"My feet are cold mate. Can you go and get me my slippers from upstairs

The guy goes upstairs, and there are his mate's gorgeous twin 18 year
old daughters.

"Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to shag you."

The first daughter says, "That's not true."

He says, "I'll prove it."

He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?"

His mate yells back, "Of course, both of them."

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Ouch

The driver of a huge truck lost control of his vehicle and he plowed into
an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces.

He climbed down from the cab and looked at the wreckage, not quite sure
what to do. Within a matter of minutes, another truck pulled up and
unloaded a crew of workers.

The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread
some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces
together. In less than a half hour, they had the entire
tollbooth reconstructed and good as new.

"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was that
white stuff you used to get all of the pieces together?"

The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: The 3 Bears:

The 3 Bears:

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning...

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table, and he
looks into his small bowl.

It is empty. "Who's been eatingmy porridge?" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks
into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my
porridge?!?" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
yells, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this
with you idiots?"

It was Mummy Bear who got up first.

It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.

It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.

It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put
everything away.

It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the
newspaper and croissants.

It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.

It was Mummy Bear who put the bloody cats out, cleaned the litter boxes,
gave the cats their food, and refilled their water. And now that you've
decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with
your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this


Stuart (via CO)

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Tesco Scam Warning!!!!! 01 Feb 2006 11:18

Tesco Scam Warning!!!!! 01 Feb 2006 11:18
I have just received this from a very shaken friend of mine - BE WARNED!

I don't how many of you shop at Tesco, but this may be useful to know.
I am sending this to you to warn you of something that happened to me,
as I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

This happened to me at Tesco in Redditch and it could happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 19-year-old girls come over to your car as
you are packing your shopping in the boot. They both start wiping your
windscreen with a soapy sponge, with their breasts almost falling out of
their skimpy t-shirts.

It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip,
they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Tesco.

You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having!
sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and
performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again
on Saturday, and also yesterday.

---- End Forwarded Message ----