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Monday, March 27, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Queers 1 - Rednecks 0

Queers 1 - Rednecks 0
At a hearing in Annapolis on the proposed Constitutional Amendment to
prohibit gay marriage, Jamie Raskin, professor of law at American
University’s Washington College of Law who lives in Montgomery County with
his wife and three children, was requested to testify. At the end of his
testimony, Republican Senator Nancy Jacobs said: “Mr. Raskin, my Bible
says marriage is only between a man and a woman. What do you have to say
about that?”

Raskin replied: “Senator, when you took your oath of office, you placed
your hand on the Bible and swore to uphold the Constitution. You did not
place your hand on the Constitution and swear to uphold the Bible.” The
room erupted into applause.


---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: There's a nice little joke in The Curse of the Were-Rabbit. Wallace to

There's a nice little joke in The Curse of the Were-Rabbit. Wallace to
Lady Tottington: "We'll be there in an - [gets hit by something] -

Lady Tottington: "An aaargh? I can't wait an aaargh..."

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Apologies to those who've seen it before....

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
pounding on the door...... The man gets up and goes to the door where a
drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning.

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunken guy asking for a push" he answers

"Did you help him?" she asked.

"No. I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring
rain outside!"

His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke
down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you
should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told (of course), gets dressed and goes out into
the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello? Are you still

"Yes" comes back the small voiced answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.

---- End Forwarded Message ----

Saturday, March 25, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Useless fact

The five youngest MPs are Lib Dems, of whom the youngest four are women.


Monday, March 20, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Irish 1

Irish 1

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important
meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a
parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and
give up me Irish Whiskey".

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."


[nilesfunnies] Fw: Irish 2

Irish 2

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he
meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against
the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you
die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group
together to go right now."

[nilesfunnies] Fw: It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time.

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time......
....and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what
the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub."

Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed near the window?"

Friday, March 17, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Missing girl found safe and well.

Missing girl found safe and well.
She said, ‘that’s great I’d been looking for a safe for ages, not so
bothered about the well though.’

[nilesfunnies] Fw: A new employee

A new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused. "Need
some help?" a secretary, walking by, asked. "Yes," he replied, "how does
this thing work?" "Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his
hand and feeding it into the shredder. "Thanks, but where do the copies
come out?"

[nilesfunnies] Fw: A young missionary on his first term in Africa

A young missionary on his first term in Africa

A young missionary on his first term in Africa is out away from camp
having devotions in a quiet clearing, as was his custom. This one
particular day, whilst reading his Bible, a lion comes and lays down
right beside him, so close that the hot warm smell of its breath is
wafting over him.

As you would suppose, this makes the missionary, , exceedingly uneasy.

He closes his eyes, praying ... but when he opens them he sees another
lion approach from the brush, and proceed to lie down on the other side
of him.

Convinced that this is a test of his faith, the missionary determines to
return to his Bible reading. But as soon as he does, the two lions rise
and pounce, devouring him in one fell swoop.

And the moral of the story?

Never try and read between the lions.

Cheers, Neil ;-)

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Aussie Army

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that
the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody
quick smart before the jobs are all gone!

I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get
outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do
before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No
bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya
haz gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water
and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks
or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon,
and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a
'route march' geez it's only just like walking to the windmill in the
back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep
getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a
bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya
like the Johnson's did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize
cows before the Ekka last year!

All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a
piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges - they comes in
little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of
the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real
careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil
and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home
after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the
platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the
Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the
shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet,
but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before
word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Ronnie Barker's Memorial Service

Just heard on the wireless that the procession into Westminster Abbey
was headed up by:---


Well done that Precentor: sometimes I just love being a member of the
Church of England.

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | We're not heroes! | We're from Finchley! |

[nilesfunnies] muir

Frank Muir: "I'd taken a villa in Italy for six months to finish a novel.
I'm an *extremely* slow reader."

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | We're not heroes! | We're from Finchley! |

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: How to speak Essex...

How to speak Essex...

alma chizzit - A request to find the cost of an item

amant - Quantity; sum total ("Thez a yuge amant of mud in Saffend")

assband - Unable to leave the house because of illness, disability etc

awss - A four legged animal, on which money is won, or more likely lost
("That awss ya tipped cost me a fiver t'day")

branna - More brown than on a previous occasion ("Ere, Trace, ya look
branna today, ave you been on sunbed?")

cort a panda - A rather large hamburger

dan in the maff - Unhappy ("Wossmatta, Trace, ya look a bit dan in the

eye-eels - Women's shoes

Furrock - The location of Lakeside Shopping Centre

garrij - A building where a car is kept or repaired(Trace: "Oi, Darren, I
fink the motah needs ta go in the garrij cos it aint working proper")

Ibeefa - Balaeric holiday island

lafarjik - Lacking in energy ("I feel all lafarjik")

oi oi! - Traditional greeting. Often heard from the doorway of pubs or
during banging dance tunes at clubs

paipa - The Sun, The Mirror or The Sport

reband - The period of recovery and emotional turmoil after rejection by a
lover ("I couldn't elp it, I wuz on the reband from Craig")

Saffend - Essex coastal resort boasting the longest pleasure pier in the
world. The place where the characters from TV's, popular soap opera,
Eastenders go on holiday

tan - The city of London, the big smoke

webbats - Querying the location something or someone is. ("Webbats is me
dole card Trace? I've gotta sign on in arf hour")

wonnid - 1. Desired, needed. 2. Wanted by the police

zaggerate - To suggest that something is bigger or better than it actually
is. ("I told ya a fazzand times already")

---- End Forwarded Message ----

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: Today is Pi Day

pi <>For those of you whose eyes
glaze over at the mention of numbers, be warned that this is the dry
post of the week. Everything beyond this sentence has been lifted from
Wikipedia <>.

Written in the USA date format, March 14 is an unofficial celebration
for Pi Day <> derived from the common
three-digit approximation for the number π: 3.14. It is usually
celebrated at 1:59 PM (in recognition of the six-digit approximation:
3.14159). Some, using a twenty-four-hour clock rather than a twelve hour
clock, say that 1:59 PM is actually 13:59 and celebrate it at 1:59 AM or
3:09 PM (15:09) instead.

Pi Approximation Day is one of two days: either July 22 (written 22/7 —
in commonwealth/international date format— 22 divided by 7 is an
approximation to π), or April 26 (April 25 on leap years), the day on
which planet Earth completes two Astronomical units' worth of its annual
orbit: on this day the total length of Earth's orbit, divided by the
length already traveled, equals π (that is, the Earth has travelled two
radians in its orbit).

Another day of approximation is on the 355th day of each year at 1:13pm,
based on the approximation value of 355/113 derived by Zu Chongzhi.

Another Pi Approximation Day is November 10 (or November 9, depending on
whether it is a leap year or not.) This is the 314th day of the year on
the Gregorian calendar.

Many mnemonics have been devised for remembering the digits of pi,
consisting of phrases or verses in which successive digits of pi are
obtained by counting the number of letters in each word. (Fortunately,
the first thirty digits of pi contain no zeroes). Some are:

* "How I wish I could recollect pi easily today." (3.14159 265)
* "How I want a drink, alcoholic of course, after the heavy lectures
involving quantum mechanics!" (3.14159 265358979)
* (Alternate version of previous) "How I need a drink, alcoholic in
nature, after the heavy lectures involving quantum mechanics!"
(3.14159 265358979)

[nilesfunnies] Fw: It's called a "kitchen" and we keep a table in it so we can eat what we

Remember Katherine Whitehorn's "Cooking In A Bedsitter" which saved so
many of us from malnourishment in the 60s? She described one of her
friends who had his bed draped with sausages from all over europe, had
onions and garlic hanging from the pelmets, boxes of flour, tins of oil,
and potatoes under the bed. "I'm not cooking in a bedsitter," he said
indignantly, "I'm sleeping in the kitchen!"

Friday, March 10, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Little Johnny yet again.

Little Johnny yet again.

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her
while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When
April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her,
took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and
April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is
our Lord and Saviour?" But April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once
again, little Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

"JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good," and
April fell back asleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question.
"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And
again, little Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up
and shouted,


---- End Forwarded Message ----

Thursday, March 09, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: God: I've lost faith in Blair

God: I've lost faith in Blair

All the signs are that the Almighty is unhappy about efforts to implicate
Him in the attack on Iraq

Terry Jones
Wednesday March 8, 2006
The Guardian

A high-level leak has revealed that God is "furious" at Tony Blair's
attempts to implicate him in the bombing of Iraq. Sources close to the
archangel Gabriel report him as describing the Almighty as "hopping mad
... with sanctimonious yet unscrupulous politicians claiming He would
condone their bestial activities when He has no way of going public
Himself, owing to the MMW agreement" (a reference to the long-established
Moving in Mysterious Ways concordat).

Mr Blair went public about God on Michael Parkinson's TV show. "If you
have faith about these things," he said, "then you realise that judgment
is made by other people. If you believe in God, it's made by God as well."
As is customary with Mr Blair's statements, it's rather hard to tease out
what he is actually saying; but the gist is clearly that if God didn't
actually tell him to bomb Iraq, then the Almighty would certainly agree it
was the right thing to do.
"If Tony Blair thinks his friendship with George W Bush is worth rubbing
out a couple of hundred thousand Iraqi men, women and children, then
that's something he can talk over with me later," said God. "But when he
starts publicly claiming that's the way I do the arithmetic too, it's time
I put my foot down!" It is well known that God has a very big foot.

A source says Gabriel has spent days trying to dissuade the Almighty from
loosing a plague of toads upon the Blair family. Gabriel reminded God that
Cherie and the children had nothing to do with Tony's decisions. God's
response, it is reliably reported, was: "Blair says the Iraqis are lucky
to have got bombed, so how can he complain if his family gets a few toads
in the bath?"

The archangel is said to be ticked off with God's ability to provide glib
answers without even thinking.

What has particularly incensed the Almighty is that Mr Blair made the
claim on the Parkinson show. "If he'd done it on Richard and Judy I could
have forgiven a lot," He is reported to have said.

The archangel reported that the Almighty has become increasingly irritated
with the vogue for politicians to claim that He is behind their policies -
especially if these involve killing large numbers of humans. According to
Gabriel, God spake these words: "That George W Bush once had the nerve to
say: 'God told me to go end the tyranny in Iraq, and I did.' Well, let me
tell you I did no such thing! If I'd wanted to get rid of Saddam Hussein,
I could have given him pneumonia. I didn't need the president of the
United States to send in hundreds of heavy bombers and thousands of
missiles to destroy Iraq - even though I appreciate that Halliburton
needed to fill its order books."

"How do Bush and Blair think it makes me look to all those parents who
have lost sons and daughters in this grubby business? Don't they know that
the Muslims they're taking out worship the same Me that they do? It's a
public relations disaster that ought to set Christianity back hundreds of
years. Though knowing the fundamentalists, it'll probably have the reverse

The archangel further revealed that he had been advised by no less a
person than Alastair Campbell to warn God to keep out of politics. "But
it's hard to get God to do anything He doesn't want to," sighed the
archangel. "It's all to do with what He calls 'free will', though a lot of
us have a problem working that one out, since He's omnipotent and

God, the archangel says, is also disturbed by Mr Blair's remark that while
religious beliefs might colour his politics, "it's best not to take it too

"How would he like it if I went round claiming that he gave me his full
backing when I sent the tsunami last year?"

· Terry Jones is a film director, actor and Python,,1725799,00.html


---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: mayday! mayday!

mayday! mayday!

We are sinking!

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Not funny

1% of the titled land in the world is owned by women

A baby girl born in the UK is likely to live to 81 - but if she is born in
Swaziland, she is likely to die at 39

70% of the 1.2 bn people living in poverty are women and children

21% of the world's managers are female

62% of unpaid family workers are female

9% of judges, 10% of company directors and 10% of top police officers in
the UK are women

Women comprise 55% of the world's population aged over 60 years old and
65% of those aged over 80

£970,000 is the difference between lifetime earnings of men and women in
the UK finance sector

85m girls worldwide are unable to attend school, compared with 45m boys.
In Chad, just 4% of girls go to school.

700,000,000 women are without adequate food, water, sanitation, health
care or education (compared with 400,000,000 men)

Women in full-time jobs earn an average 17% less than British men

Women in part-time jobs earn an average 42% less than British men

67% of all illiterate adults are women

1,440 women die each day during childbirth (a rate of one death every

1 in 7 women in Ethiopia die in pregnancy or childbirth (it is one in
19,000 in Britain)

In the US, 35% of lawyers are women but just 5% are partners in law firms

In the EU, women comprise 3% of chief execs of major companies

12 is the number of world leaders who are women (out of 191 members of the
United Nations)

Men directed 9 out of every 10 films made in 2004

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Real life Simpsons...

Real life Simpsons...

Monday, March 06, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Cutting Expenses

My wife left me... I don't understand why. After our last child was
born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses. I had to give up
drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.
Anyway, I gave it up, but I noticed the other day when she came home
from grocery shopping the receipt included $45 in makeup.

I said, "Wait a minute. I've given up beer and you haven't given up

She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."

I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"

I don't think she'll be back.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: For any Swedes in the house ...

For any Swedes in the house ...

Ole and Sven were out deer hunting in da northwoods. Sven shot a really
nice buck and Ole was helping him pull it out of the woods. They had a
rope tied to one of the hind legs and they were pulling and struggling,
going through the deep snow with the other three legs sticking out and
getting caught on every clump of brush and whatnot along the way.

About that time the Game Warden came along. After checking their
licenses, he said, "You know, it would be easier if you fellas tied the
rope to the antlers and pulled him from the other way. Then the legs
wouldn't get caught on everything."

Ole looked at Sven and said, "By golly, I tink he's right."

The Game Warden went on his way and Ole and Sven re-tied the rope to the
antlers and started pulling. It was a lot easier. After about twenty
minutes, Sven said, "Ole, dat Game Warden sure was right. Dis is a lot
easier, but aren't ve getting furder avay from da truck?"

Cheers, Neil

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: A Scotsman went to Galilee

A Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found
it would cost fifty pounds an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee.

"Hoots mon," he said, "back 'ame it would'na be more'an £20 to hire a
boat for a' day."

"That might be true," said the travel agent, "but you have to take into
account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord Himself

"Well, at £50 an hour for a boat," said the Scotsman, "it's nay wonder
He walked."

[nilesfunnies] Ancient gag

Him: Why do women always have to take things personally?

Her: But /I/ don't.

[nilesfunnies] Football teams

Apparently there are three football teams with swearwords in their name.



and Fucking Manchester United


Saturday, March 04, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Most fearsome animals

Most fearsome animals
A bear a lion and a chicken sitting talking about who is the hardest

The Bear says "When I roar the whole forest trembles"

The Lion Says "When I roar the whole jungle shakes with fear"

The Chicken Says "All I have to do is cough and the whole f***ing world
s**ts itself"

[nilesfunnies] Goalkeeper joke

was that the one where the scottish goalie got suicidal and threw himself
in front of a bus and the bus went under him???

I'm afraid to say that was Peter Bonetti's suicide attempt after he let
Germany come from 0-2 to beat Our Boys 3-2 in Mexico, 1970.

And the bus went between his legs.