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Sunday, April 30, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Native American chief

The old Native American chief has won fame for his infallible memory. A
psychologist comes to test him to see whether the claims are true.

Astonished by his apparent total recall of everything that's ever happened
to him, the psychologist finally asks, "What did you have for breakfast on
the 17th September 1957?"

"Eggs," replies the big chief with only a moment's hesitation. Of course,
this statement is impossible to verify, but the psychologist is impressed
by his confidence.

The psychologist goes home and writes a long report, then moves on to
other things, but several years later he runs into the chief in the
street. "How!" he says, by way of greeting. The chief scratches his head a
moment, then replies, "Scrambled."

---- End Forwarded Message ----

Friday, April 28, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Obituary: The Sad Passing of Common Sense

Obituary: The Sad Passing of Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who
has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was
since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the
worm; life isn’t always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more
than you earn), and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children,
are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when
well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports
of a six- year old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a
classmate, teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch,
and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the
job they failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined
even further when schools were required to get parental consent to
administer Panadol, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student, but
could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted
to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became
contraband, churches became businesses and criminals received better
treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you
couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar
can sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live
after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot.
She spilled a little in her lap and was awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his
wife, Discretion, his daughter, Responsibility, and his son, Reason. He
is survived by three stepbrothers, I Know My Rights, Someone Else is To
Blame and I’m A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few
realised he was gone.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: HOLIDAY!

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to
make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify
them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store
and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses,

The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb.

They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and
the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini
came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As
the blond passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning Father. Good
morning Father, nodding and addressing each of them. They were both
stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more
outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you
even saw them.

Once again, the priests (incognito) settled on the beach, in their
chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless
blonde, wearing a string, taking her sweet time, came walking towards
them. Again she nodded at each of them, and said, "Good morning Father,"
and started to walk away.

One priest couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute young

"Yes," she replied.

"We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world
did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"

"Father, it's me, Sister Mary Francis," she replied.

---- End Forwarded Message ----

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

[nilesfunnies] 1m Lawyers

[Kathryn and Richard should look away now]

by Tom Paxton

Humankind has survived some disasters, I'm sure.
Like locusts and flash floods and flu.
There's never a moment when we've been secure
>From the ills that the flesh is heir to.
If it isn't a war, it's some gruesome disease.
If it isn't disease, then it's war.
But there's worse still to come, and I'm asking you please
How the world's gonna take any more?


In ten years we're gonna have one million lawyers,
One million lawyers, one million lawyers.
In ten years we're gonna have one million lawyers.
How much can a poor nation stand?

The world shook with dread of Atilla the Hun
As he conquered with fire and steel,
And Genghis and Kubla and all of the Kahns
Ground a groaning world under the heel.
Disaster, disaster, so what else is new?
We've suffered the worst and then some.
So I'm sorry to tell you, my suffering friends,
Of the terrible scourge still to come.



Oh, a suffering world cries for mercy
As far as the eye can see.
Lawyers around every bend in the road,
Laywers in every tree,
Lawyers in restaurants, lawyers in clubs,
Lawyers behind every door,
Behind windows and potted plants, shade trees and shrubs,
Lawyers on pogo sticks, lawyers in politics!


In spring there's tornadoes and rampaging floods,
In summer it's heat stroke and draught.
There's Ivy League football to ruin the fall,
It's a terrible scourge, without doubt.
There are blizzards to batter the shivering plain.
There are dust storms that strike, but far worse
Is the threat of disaster to shrivel the brain,
It's the threat of implacable curse.

In ten years we're gonna have one million lawyers,
One million lawyers, one million lawyers.
In ten years we're gonna have one million lawyers.
How much can a poor nation stand?
How much can a poor nation stand

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | We're not heroes! | We're from Finchley! |

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Date for your diary

Date for your diary
Just in case you wanted to know:

On The 4th of May,
at two minutes and three seconds
after 1:00 in the morning,
the time and date will be
01:02:03 04/05/06.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: I used to be a werewolf,

I used to be a werewolf,

But I'm alright nowoooooooooh!

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Jury discharged in Cambridge academic trial

This story not funny, but sentence:

"We don't see any texts saying: 'I go weak at the knees for
60-year-old men with ginger beards' do we?" said the

is worth noting ;)

Jury discharged in Cambridge academic trial

AssociationMonday April 24,

The trial of a senior Cambridge academic accused of sexually assaulting a
former student collapsed today when the jury was discharged for legal
reasons by the judge.

The Crown Prosecution Service was given 48 hours to decide whether to
apply to the court for a retrial in the case of Peter Hutchinson, 61, who
denied sexually assaulting the 24-year-old woman who is now a police

She told Cambridge crown court that he had made "pervy, Benny Hill" type
noises when he fondled her bottom and then tried to kiss her. She used a
police defence technique to fend him off.

The judge discharged the jury today and ended the trial after hearing
legal submissions from lawyers.

Dr Hutchinson, a former vice-master of Trinity Hall and a married
father-of-two, earlier told the court that he was in the habit of slapping
the bottoms of a number of former women students with whom he was still in

"It is a small number," he told the court. "I will give them a playful
slap on the bottom. It is those with whom I have had very warm
relationships I suppose."

Asked by Christopher Morgan, prosecuting, "you are a bottom slapper of
attractive young girls," Dr Hutchinson replied: "I don't think so."He told
the jury: "I am a very happily married man. I flirt with people. I
occasionally pat on the bottom students from years ago. I indulge in a lot
of irony."

Dr Hutchinson told the court he and the woman - who cannot be named for
legal reasons - had enjoyed a flirtation and kept in touch via email.

The court heard that on one occasion Dr Hutchinson emailed the woman
saying he went "weak at the knees for blondes of a certain eye colour".Mr
Morgan suggested that Dr Hutchinson had been the driving force behind the
flirtation. "We don't see any texts saying: 'I go weak at the knees for
60-year-old men with ginger beards' do we?" said the

Dr Hutchinson told the court that he did not intend to seduce the woman.
"I enjoyed flirting with her. She enjoyed flirting with me. But I would
not have wanted to take it to a higher level."

He said he had patted her bottom on two previous occasions and was
"flabbergasted" and "dumbfounded" when he was accused of sexual assault.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Anthropromorphism

Please remember that anthropomorphism is wrong: it upsets the animals.

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | We're not heroes! | We're from Finchley! |

[nilesfunnies] Fw: a quick one

a quick one
My home church welcomes all denominations, but mainly they prefer tens and

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Romans

Julius Caesar is addressing the Roman crowd. "Friends Romans and
Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to
conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We
shall kill many Gauls and return victorious."
The crowd are up on their feet "Yeeeeees,
hail mighty Caesar"

Brutus turns to his mate and says " He doesn't half talk some shite
eh? He couldn't fight his way out of a wet parchment bag."

Six months later, Caesar comes back having conquered France and
addresses the crowd in the Coliseum. " Friends, Romans and
Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and as I
promised, we killed 50,000 Gauls".

The crowd are up on their feet again. "Yeeeeeeees, hail
mighty Caesar".

Brutus once again turns to his mate "I'm sick of his bullshit, I'm
off to France to check this out."

Brutus sets of for France and three weeks later he comes back to

Caesar is addressing the public in the Coliseum again "Friends,
Romans and Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are
going to sort those bastards out"

The crowd are up on their feet."Yeeeeees,
hail mighty Caesar"

Brutus jumps up and shouts, "Caesar, you are a liar. You
told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I've been there
to check it out and you only killed 25,000!!!!"

The crowd are stunned and all sit down in silence. Caesar
gets up and looks slowly round the Coliseum then across at Brutus and
"Brutus, you are forgetting one thing- .

........Away Gauls count double in Europe."........

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Marvo the ventriloquist.

Marvo the ventriloquist.
Marvo has his ventriloquists dummy stolen.

He is distraught. He says to his mate "What the hell am I going to do
now? Dummies are several thousand pounds and I can't afford to replace
it. I've been a ventriloquist all of my life and don't know anything

His mate advises him that as he is good at throwing his voice, that he
should set up as a medium.

He advertises his services as a medium and eventually his first customer
arrives - a woman who wants to contact her dead husband. She enquirers
about his services and is told that there are three levels costing £20,
£30 and £50.

She asks what she would get for £20. Ah! the simple service. You ask me
a question, I contact your husband and I tell you what he says. She is
not too impressed with this.

What about the £30 service? You talk directly to your husband and he
answers you directly through me. That sounds better, says the woman, but
what do I get extra if I go for the £50 service?

The same as the £30 service except I do it whilst drinking a bottle of

(Dead husband: I don't want to go back in the box)

[nilesfunnies] Fw: There were an an and an working at th

There were an <stereotype1> an <stereotype2> and an <stereotype3> working
at the top of a t-all building site..
It's lunchtime, and all are opening their sandwiches:

(stereotype1>: "arghh, if I get haggis sandwiches once more, I shall jump
off this ledge, I can't stand it"..

(stereotype2>: "arghh, if I get beef sandwiches once more, I shall jump
off this ledge, I can't stand it"..

(stereotype3>: "arghh, if I get potato sandwiches once more, I shall jump
off this ledge, I can't stand it"..

Next day, same time..

(stereotype1>: "arghh, haggis sandwiches again!!" and he jumps off the
(stereotype2>: "arghh, beef sandwiches again!!" and he jumps off the
(stereotype3>: "arghh, potato sandwiches again!!" and he jumps off the

Two weeks later, the three funerals at the same time. The widows are
talking to each other:

(stereotype1 widow) "If I'd known my husband didn't like haggis, I
wouldn't have made him the sandwiches..."

(stereotype2 widow) "If I'd known my husband didn't like beef, I wouldn't
have made him the sandwiches..."

(stereotype3 widow) "Paddy used to make his own sandwiches"

Friday, April 21, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Thought of the Day...

Thought of the day.

|^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^\ ||
| CHARDONNAY | ||'""|""\__,_
| _____________ l ||__|__|___|)


1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It leads to more honest communications.

3. It reduces complaints about low pay.

4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.

5. It encourages car pooling.

6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.

7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

8. It makes fellow employees look better.

9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the

13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.

15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

16. Sitting "Bare Butt" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as

Have a glass and send the truck to all of your friends!!!!!!

|^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^\ ||
| CHARDONNAY | ||'""|""\__,_
| _____________ l ||__|__|___|)

"Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might
as well have a great time."

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Outsourcing in the USA

Congress today announced that the office of President of the
United States of America will be outsourced to India as of
March 26th, 2006.

The move is being made to save the President's $500,000
yearly salary, and also a record $521 trillion in deficit
expenditures and related overhead the office has incurred
during the last 5 years.

"We believe this is a wise move financially. The cost
savings should be significant," stated Congressman Thomas
Reynolds (R-WA). Reynolds, with the aid of the Government
Accounting Office, has studied outsourcing of American jobs
extensively. "We cannot expect to remain competitive on the
world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds

Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of his
termination. Preparations for the job move have been
underway for sometime.

Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India will be
assuming the office of President as of April 1, 2006.

Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian
parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him
eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320
(USD) a month but with no health coverage or other benefits.
It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job
responsibilities without a support staff due to the time
difference between the US and India, he will be working
primarily at night, when few offices of the US Government
will be open.

"Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the Dell
Computer Call Center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive
interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped
I would be President."

A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may
not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office
of President, this should not be a problem because Bush was
not familiar with the issues either.

Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him
to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using
these canned responses, he can address common concerns
without having to understand the underlying issues at all.
"We know these scripting tools work," stated the
spokesperson. "President Bush has used them successfully for

Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary
until his final day of employment. Following a two week
waiting period, he will be eligible for $140 a week
unemployment for 13 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be
eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will
exceed the allowed limit.

Mr. Bush has been provided the outplacement services of
Manpower Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his
up coming job transition.

According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in
securing a new position due to limited practical work
experience. A greeter position at Wal-Mart was suggested due
to Bush's extensive experience shaking hands and goofy


---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Major Breakthrough

Major Breakthrough
A British company is developing computer chips that store music in
women's breast implants.

This is a major breakthrough.

Women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and
not listening to them.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: What do you get

What do you get
if you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?

A hot cross bunny

Thursday, April 06, 2006

[nilesfunnies] PSA: Now Show Podcast

The new series of the Now Show will be podcast as soon as it is
recorded. This will make saving the MP3 for posterity much easier. And
no faffing about with Total Recorder. Series starts tomorrow.


[nilesfunnies] Fw: F1 incident

F1 incident

Following Jensen Buttons F1 car failure last weekend, here is a picture of
another serious F1 incident.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Play More Golf

Play More Golf
An 80-year old man goes to the doctor for a checkup.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do
you stay in such great physical condition?"

I'm a golfer," says the old guy, "And that's why I'm in such good shape.

I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways."

" Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more
to it. How old was your dad when he died?"

"Who said my dad's dead?"

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still
alive. How old is he?"

"He's 100 years old," says the old golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this
morning, and that's why he's still alive . . . he's a golfer too."

"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it
than that. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my grandpa's dead?"

Stunned, the doctor ! asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your
grandfathers still living! Incredible, how old is he?"

"He's 118 years old," says the old golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went
golfing with you this morning too?"

"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."

At this point the doctor is close to losing it.

"Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?"

[nilesfunnies] Gene Pitney

Undertakers said today that it would take a week to get Gene Pitney a
coffin made from oak.

But only 24 hours from balsa ........

Monday, April 03, 2006

[nilesfunnies] SOCA

Apparently, the Serious Organised Crime Agency or SOCA replaces the
Organised Crime Agency That Was Only Kidding, or OCATWOK, as it was known.


Sunday, April 02, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Recruitment

Put about 100 bricks in no particular order in a closed room with an open
window. Then send two or three candidates into the room and close the

Leave them alone and come back after six hours.

If they are counting the bricks, put them in the accounts department.

If they are recounting them, put them in auditing.

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in

If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in

If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in construction.

If they are sleeping, put them in reception.

If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in IT.

If they are sitting idle, put them in human resources.

If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has
been moved, put them in sales.

If they have already left for the day, put them in marketing.

If they are staring out of the window, put them on strategic planning.

And then last but not least, If they are talking to each other and not a
single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in

---- End Forwarded Message ----

Re: [nilesfunnies] OT Bird Flu Cure in Boots Now

Pay attention now, this is serious.

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of
symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the
following, please seek medical treatment immediately:

1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windscreen

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | We're not heroes! | We're from Finchley! |