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Wednesday, July 26, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: But Are They French???

But Are They French???
Every evening for the past two weeks I've watched them as they jumped
from roof to roof, somersaulting over obstacles and running up and down
the most steepest of inclines.

But then they reach my building and stop. They just stand there and
stare through the windows.

At first it didn't really phase me. But as the weeks went on and on it
made me more and more uncomfortable.

Finally I decided to register a complaint with the police. I rang the
local station and told the duty sergeant what was going on. He said
"Don't worry sir". I asked him why not. He replied "They just sound like
a bunch of nosey parkours"

Friday, July 21, 2006

[nilesfunnies] [Fwd: Friday's PM newsletter]

"Britons are spending as much as 83 billion pounds a year without
knowing where the money went, according to research by (a well known
credit card company). A survey of over 1,000 people revealed that the
average UK adult spends 33 pounds every week with no recollection of
what the money bought. With that amount, (the company said), the average
household could have paid for the following: everyday power and water
bills for the whole year, or 96 percent of travelling costs for the year".

Thursday, July 20, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Mercury rising

Mercury rising

*Mercury* *rising*

Sean Clarke

/20/ /July/ /2006/

Welcome to the Wrap, Guardian Unlimited's digest of the best of the day's


Of course the spotlight of the British press falls on Lebanon and Israel,
where the violence continues unabated. And of course it falls elsewhere
- on Poland, where twin brothers have taken the two leading offices of
state; on Whitehall, where the Home Office is under attack from several
fronts; even, in the Independent, on Iraq. But as much as any of this,
today, the spotlight of the British press falls on the hitherto
anonymous town of Charlwood in Surrey. For there, yesterday, the
temperature reached 36.3 degrees Celsius, the hottest July temperature
ever recorded in the United Kingdom.

The Telegraph devotes the top half of its front page (the bit
traditionally reserved for attracting readers with startling news) to an
admittedly very attractive photograph of someone feeling a bit hot and
splashing water on their face. It then, in common with most of its
rivals, devotes most of pages 2 and 3 to further reports of astonishing
incidents, including, but not limited to: child feels a bit hot and
plays with hosepipe; people lucky enough to have the day off feel a bit
hot and go to the beach; soldiers unlucky enough to be on guard duty
feel a bit hot but have to keep their bearskins on.

The Express shows a woman cooking an egg on the bonnet of her car: just
because you can, it doesn't mean that you should. The Times
entertainingly reports that a boy in Sheffield "borrowed a classmate's
skirt" to make a point about uniform rules at his school. The head
teacher said: "We realise it is very hot. If he wants to wear a skirt,
he is welcome." But what of his classmate? Did she sit through double
maths in her smalls?

If she did, she's in good company at the Sun, where a variety of
attractive young women have found that when feeling a bit hot, it's best
to take some clothes off. Happily for all concerned, photographers were
on hand.

Of course, it does all have a serious side. The Guardian's business pages
report on the massive drain on the national grid as fans and air
conditioning struggled while office workers felt a bit hot. The demand
sent power prices to GBP300 per megawatt hour, four times their level on
Monday, Back at the Telegraph, Boris Johnson can't understand why papers
(such as the Telegraph) devote so much space to this stuff when so many
important things are happening in the world. "One warm day and the whole
country flops down in a faint like a bunch of wilted pansies. I mean,
what's got into us, eh?" The Wrap sometimes suspects that his column is
not written by Boris Johnson, but by an Automatic Boris Johnson Parody
Generator. Have we forgotten, asks the ABJPG, that our Empire conquered
the world (even the parts that are a bit hot) while our "French and
German rivals were having a siesta"?

Ever the contrarian, the Independent unearths a picture of Cornwall,
where it was raining.

Enough of this. I'm not even going to tell you about the Telegraph letter
writer who had a lovely day at the seaside with her grandson,
notwithstanding it was a bit hot.

Guardian Unlimited copyright Guardian Newspapers Limited 2006.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Uhnhn...

I found this on B3ta and thought of you.

[nilesfunnies] Alternative Dr Who ending

This is going to be an extra on the DVDs but has been leaked.

Apparrently more than one ending was filmed - if you listen to the
commentary, you'll know Julie Gardner had to lie to the production team
to keep the real ending quiet, but someone's managed to leak one of the
endings. There may be quite a few - in the same way that Eastenders shot
many characters shooting Phil Mitchell so no one would know which person
did it.

Anyway, see it before its taken down.

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Saturday, July 15, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: shi t

Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and
said, "I've got to take a shi t."

The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and shi t."

The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass." The
other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"

The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea-- I'll
use that!"

He left and came back with shi t all over his hands and clothes.

His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?"

The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3
quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"

---- End Forwarded Message ----

Monday, July 10, 2006

Re: [nilesfunnies] World Cup

Well, I was trying to read the ref's lips when he was brandishing the
red card. It seemed to me he was saying "Zidane, you're rockin' the

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | We're not heroes! | We're from Finchley! |

Sunday, July 09, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Interesting facts

According to /Prospect/ magazine:

- There are more British troops in Northern Ireland than in Iraq
- Princess Anne has an HGV licence
- Around 25 PLO activists have adopted the name Hitler or Abu Hitler
- If all the Lego in the world were divided up evenly, we would get 30
pieces each
- One in every 3,400 Americans is an Elvis impersonator
- More houses in China have a DVD player than running hot and cold water
- One in four British households own a copy of Pink Floyd's /Dark Side of
the Moon/
- Most British toilets flush in the key of E flat.

Friday, July 07, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Architects

If Architects had to work like Programmers

Dear Mr. Architect!

Please design and build me a house. I am not quite sure of what I need,
so you should use your discretion. My house should have between two and
forty-five bedrooms. Just make sure the plans are such that the bedrooms
can be easily added or deleted. When you bring the blueprints to me, I
will make the final decision of what I want. Also, bring me the cost
breakdown for each configuration so that I can arbitrarily pick one.

Keep in mind that the house I ultimately choose must cost less than the
one I am currently living in. Make sure, however, that you correct all
the deficiencies that exist in my current house (the floor of my kitchen
vibrates when I walk across it, and the walls don't have nearly enough
insulation in them).

As you design, also keep in mind that I want to keep yearly maintenance
costs as low as possible. This should mean the incorporation of
extra-cost features like aluminium, vinyl, or composite siding. (If you
choose not to specify aluminium, be prepared to explain your decision in

Please take care that modern design practices and the latest materials
are used in construction of the house, as I want it to be a showplace
for the most up-to-date ideas and methods. Be alerted, however, that
kitchen should be designed to accommodate, among other things, my 1952
Gibson refrigerator.

To insure that you are building the correct house for our entire family,
make certain that you contact each of our children, and also our
in-laws. My mother-in-law will have very strong feelings about how the
house should be designed, since she visits us at least once a year. Make
sure that you weigh all of these options carefully and come to the right
decision. I, however, retain the right to overrule any choices that you

Please don't bother me with small details right now. Your job is to
develop the overall plans for the house: get the big picture. At this
time, for example, it is not appropriate to be choosing the color of the
carpet. However, keep in mind that my wife likes blue.

Also, do not worry at this time about acquiring the resources to build
the house itself. Your first priority is to develop detailed plans and
specifications. Once I approve these plans, however, I would expect the
house to be under roof within 48 hours.

While you are designing this house specifically for me, keep in mind
that sooner or later I will have to sell it to someone else. It
therefore should have appeal to a wide variety of potential buyers.
Please make sure before you finalize the plans that there is a consensus
of the population in my area that they like the features this house has.

Please prepare a complete set of blueprints. It is not necessary at this
time to do the real design, since they will be used only for
construction bids. Be advised, however, that you will be held
accountable for any increase of construction costs as a result of later
design changes.

You must be thrilled to be working on an interesting project as this! To
be able to use the latest techniques and materials and to be given such
freedom in your designs is something that can't happen very often.
Contact me as soon as possible with your complete ideas and plans.

My wife has just told me that she disagrees with many of the
instructions I've given you in this letter. As architect, it is your
responsibility to resolve these differences. I have tried in the past
and have been unable to accomplish this. If you can't handle this
responsibility, I will have to find another architect.

Perhaps what I need is not a house at all, but a travel trailer. Please
advise me as soon as possible if this is the case.

Autor: unbekannt
Quelle: ""
toHTML: 1995-07-22 - Gunnar Anzinger <>

letzte Ă„nderung: 1997-06-11 -- Gunnar Anzinger <>

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Breaking news...

Breaking news...
Saddam Hussein has been found guilty of genocide and has sentenced to
death by firing squad. Husseins last request was to pick the squad.

He chose Lampard, Gerrard and Carragher at 12 yards.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: monks

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes
to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do
you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car.

As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not
like anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced
Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that
night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be
making such a Seductive sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say,
"We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes
back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that
beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades
of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find
the answers, you! will have become a monk."

The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns and
knocks on the door of the monastery.

"I have travelled the earth and have found what you have asked for: by
design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what
you Ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest
and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show
you the way to the mystery of the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The
sound is beyond that door"

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden
door Is another door made of stone.

The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find
a door made of ruby.

And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, gold and

Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind the door!

He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is utterly
amazed to find the source of that haunting and seductive





But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk

---- End Forwarded Message ----

Thursday, July 06, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Ideal Gift

Ideal Gift
"Stuck for a present? Birthday or anniversary or just to say Thank Yo'.
Here's an idea. Enrol your relative or friend in Chelmsford

Essex Tories 'In Touch' leaflet, reprinted in today's Private Eye.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Re: [nilesfunnies] So, farewell then....

I still *love* the Fred story I heard a while back, and I so hope it's

He was bowling in a match and got a batsman absolutely *plumb* LBW. He
turned to the umpire and got a shake of the head. He trudged back up to
his mark, thundered in and delivered the ball. The batsman got a thick
edge to the slips. "Howzat!?". Another shake of the head from the man in
the white coat.

Fred trudged back to his mark, steamed in and ripped the blighter's
middle stump out. Then he turned to the umpire and said "I bloody near
'ad 'im that time!".

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | We're not heroes! | We're from Finchley! |

Saturday, July 01, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Survival scenario

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a
valley and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same
speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size
as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter
flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also
travelling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?


Get off the children's Merry-Go-Round, you're pissed.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Pinstripe Protest

Pinstripe Protest
What do we want?
When do we want it?
"In time to allow effective planning for the new tax year!"