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Friday, August 25, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Unlikely declensions

What is it that roareth thus?
Can it be a Motor Bus?
Yes, the smell and hideous hum
Indicat Motorem Bum!
Implet in the Corn and High
Terror me Motoris Bi:
Bo Motoris clamitabo
Ne Motore caeder a Bo --
Dative be or Ablative
So thou only let us live:
Whither shall thy victims flee?
Spare us, spare us, Motor Be!
Thus I sang; and still anigh
Came in hordes Motores Bi,
Et complebat omne forum
Copia Motorum Borum.
How shall wretches live like us
Cincti Bis Motoribus?
Domine, defende nos
Contra hos Motores Bos!
--A.D. Godley, January 1914


Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | We're not heroes! | We're from Finchley! |

Thursday, August 24, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Pizza

The volume of a pizza of thickness 'a' and radius 'z' is given by pi*z*z*a.

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | We're not heroes! | We're from Finchley! |

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Men and Women

Men and Women
At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or
women were more trustworthy.

"No woman," said one man, scornfully, " can keep a secret."

"I would dispute that," answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a
secret since I was twenty-one."

"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.

"I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret
for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever ."


---- End Forwarded Message ----

Monday, August 21, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Stress Test (worksafe)

Fwd: cix:jokes/19jokes:1909 avjones(862) 21/08/2006 01:35
---- Forwarded Message ----

Stress Test (worksafe)
I am not sure exactly how it works, but this is amazingly accurate. Read
the full description before looking at the picture.

The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case
study on stress levels at St. Mary's Hospital. Look at both dolphins
jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical. A closely
monitored, scientific study revealed that, in spite of the fact that the
dolphins are identical, a person under stress would find differences in
the two dolphins. The more differences a person finds between the
dolphins, the more stress that person is experiencing. Look at the
photograph, and if you find more than one or two differences, you may
want to go on holiday.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Old men are dangerous

Old men are dangerous

Harold was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital.

There was one young nurse that just drove him crazy.

Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he
was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of
voice, "And how are we doing this morning", or "Are we
ready for a bath", or "Are we hungry?"

Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse. One
day, at breakfast, Old Harold took the apple juice off the
tray and put it in his bed side stand.

Next, he was given a urine bottle to fill for testing.

So . you know where the juice went! The nurse came in a
little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it. "My,
it seems we are a little cloudy today "

At this, Old Harold snatched the bottle out of her hand,
popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, "Well, I'll run
it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time."

The nurse fainted! Old Harold just smiled!

---- End Forwarded Message ----

Sunday, August 20, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Knock knock

Knock knock
Who's there?
United Nations.
United Nations who?
I didn't know you were Israeli.

Friday, August 18, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: An example of bibliomancy

An example of bibliomancy

A very American joke, but I liked it:

A successful businessman suddenly found his business going down the
drain. Contemplating suicide, he went to his minister for advice.

The minister says "Take a beach chair and a Bible and put them in your
car and drive down to the edge of the ocean. Go to the water's edge.
Take the beach chair out of the car, sit on it, take the Bible out, and
open it up. The wind will riffle the pages for awhile and eventually the
Bible will stay open at a particular page. Read the first words on the
page and they will tell you what to do."

The man did as he was told. Three months later the man and his family
came back to see the minister. They appeared prosperous and beaming.

The man handed the minister a thick envelope full of money as a donation
to the church, in gratitude for his advice. Naturally he asked, "Just
what were the first words on that page?"

The man replied: "Chapter 11".

(NB, Chapter 11 is the United States Bankruptcy code)

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: WILL HE JUMP?

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat
down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00
news was now on.

The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall
building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive
off of the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "fair's
fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money; I saw this earlier on the 5
o'clock news and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again!"

Bob took the money.


---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Encouraging News From Heathrow

A colleague has emailed me to say that there are reports of 10,000
passengers' suitcases going missing this week. Heathrow police are
reportedly delighted at this halving of the normal crime rate.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Re: [nilesfunnies] Radio 4 Announcements

What if other networks did emergency broadcasts for people away from home?

Radio 3, perhaps?

And, after Palestrina's exquisite setting of Regina Coeli, we turn to a
more Earthly lady.

In 1778 the the 22-year-old Mozart arrived in Paris, during a tour of Europe
which followed a bitter falling out with the Prince-Archbishop of Salzburg,
and it was in Paris that his mother died. This gave rise to some of his
darkest and most introspective chamber music.

Well, some darkly introspective composition may shortly be occupying Mr R.G.
Bargey, whom we understand to be making a brief sojourn in Lincolnshire -
birthplace, of course, of the great 16th Century composer, John Taverner.
We hope that you have not fallen out with any Prince-Archbishops, Mr.
Bargey, but the remainder of the inspiration seems to be imminent, and
perhaps you might be kind enough to telephone Hammersmith Hospital in

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | We're not heroes! | We're from Finchley! |

Monday, August 14, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Scots with principles and intelligence stay put.

Scots with principles and intelligence stay put.
Scots with principles and no intelligence emigrate to England.
Scots with intelligence and no principles emigrate to America.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Blonde

A blonde walks into a bank in London and asks to see the Manager. She
says she's going to Hong Kong on business for two weeks and needs to
borrow £5,000. The Manager says the bank will need some kind of security
for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Ferrari.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title
and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as
collateral for the loan. The Manager and the tellers all enjoy a good
laugh at the blonde for using a £200,000 Ferrari as collateral against a
£5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Ferrari into the
bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the £5,000 and the
interest, which comes to £15.41. The Manager says, "Miss, we are very
happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out
very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we
checked you out and found that you are a millionairess. What puzzles us
is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000?"

The blonde replies...

"Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41
and expect it to be there when I return?"

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Bible Sales

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial

While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of
new bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday
sermon he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be
willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the
desperately needed money for the church.

Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.
The minister knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen
and were likely capable of selling some bibles but he had serious doubts
about Louie.
Louie was just a little local farmer, who had always tended to keep to
himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor little
Louis stuttered very badly. But, not wanting to discourage poor Louis,
the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked
with bibles and asked them to meet with him and report the results of
their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately
asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "using my sales
prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected
on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Peter!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand.
"You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, he asked "And Paul, how many bibles did you manage to
sell for the church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a
professional salesman and was happy to give the church the benefit of my
sales expertise. Last week I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and
here's $280 I collected."

The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly
a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to little Louie and said, "And
Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?"

Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The reverend
opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the minister
"Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320
bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?

Louie just nodded.

That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We are
professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many
bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd
better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for
sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell
us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would
y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible
f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just
l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to

A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22)


---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: The Elephant

A man was on holiday in Kenya. While he was walking through the bush,he
came across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot.

There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot. As
carefully and as gently as he could he removed the thorn and the
elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its
face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood
frozen-thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

For years after, the man remembered the elephant and the events of that
day. One day the man was walking through the zoo with his son. As they
approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and
walked over to where they are standing at the rail. It stared at him and
the man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. After a
while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him.

The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his
way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared
back in wonder.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of
the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing,
killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Ark 2.0

Ark 2.0

In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England
and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated,
and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2
of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the
CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will
start the unending rain for 40 days and 40nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard
- but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is
the Ark?" "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I
needed Building Regulations Approval. I've been arguing with the Fire
Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that
I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my
garden because it is development of the site even though in my view it
is a temporary structure.

We had to go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision. Then
the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future
costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear
the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea
would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. Getting the
wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation
Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set
up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the
environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted
that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the
accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put
so many animals in a confined space. Then the County Council, the
Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build
the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your
proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities
Commission on how many BMEs I'm supposed to hire for my building team.
The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire
only CSCS accredited workers with Ark-building experience. To make
matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm
trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to
finish this Ark." Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,
and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and
asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?" "No," said the
Lord. "The government beat me to it."

Re: [nilesfunnies] OT - almost a rant -Why??

In a surprise move today, senior officers leading the "Cash for Peerages"
investigation declared that they were closing the case and hinted darkly
that if the Commons' Select Committee insisted on continuing its enquiries
they might have to invoke the Walte Wolfgang clause in the anti-terrorism
act and detain individual members.

"We've investigated thoroughly" commented Detective Chief Inspector Viscount
Hackney Marshes "and found there is no case to answer." A point fully backed
up by his colleagues D.I Earl Nuneaton and D.I Viceroy of all the Indias
Clarke. An official statement read out by Desk Sergeant Lady Windward
Islands stated that Lord Levy had been de-arrested and would not be
interviewed again. "He was a lovely man," she commented afterwards. "It was
a pleasure to take a cup of tea down to his cell."

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | We're not heroes! | We're from Finchley! |