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Thursday, September 28, 2006

[nilesfunnies] OT: Joke

Mother: "Mummy's got a baby in her tummy!"

Child: "How did it get there?"

Mother: "Well... Daddy gave it to me."

[Child goes and finds Daddy]

Child: "Daddy, you know that baby you gave Mummy? Well she's eaten it!"

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | We're not heroes! | We're from Finchley! |

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: News just in:

News just in:

There was a flutterer of excitement in classic rock circles earlier today
at news there could be a spate of Hammond Organ donations imminent.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Small Town

Small Town
It was a small town and the police man was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies
sitting in a used car.!

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were
they trying to steal it?

"Heavens no, we bought it."

"Then why don't you drive it away."

"We can't drive."

"Then why did you buy it?"

"We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed
we're just waiting.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: A new wine for seniors

California vintners In the Nape Valley area, which primarily produces
Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new
hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the
number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the

The new wine will be marketed as Pinot More.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Bull

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of their first stops was the
breeding bull exhibit.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
this bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said,

see ... he mated 50 times last year ... once-a-week."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This
bull mated 120 times last year."

The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice
a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in
capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year."

The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs,
said, that's once-a-DAY. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with
the same cow."

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Police

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman go for jobs as coppers. The
Englishman goes in to see the Inspector first. The Inspector says to
him, "Very impressed with your application. But there is one last
question I must ask: who was responsible for the death of Jesus Christ?"

"Easy," says the Englishman, "It was Pontius Pilate." "Very well,"
replies the Inspector, "Collect a uniform from Stores in the basement,
and join the Sergeant outside managing traffic." So off goes the

The Scotsman goes in next. The Inspector says to him, "VERY impressed
with your application! But there is one last question I must ask: who
was responsible for the death of Jesus Christ?"

"Ach, nae bother," says the Scot, "'twas Pontius Pilate, pal." "Very
good," agrees the Inspector, "Collect a uniform from Stores in the
basement, and join the Sergeant and the other fellow outside managing
traffic." So off goes the Scotsman.

Finally, in comes the Irishman. "Now," says the Inspector, "Your
application was most interesting. I shall ask you one deciding question.
Who was responsible for the death of Jesus Christ?" The Irishman
scratches his head and thinks for a moment. "Can I borrow a bit of paper
there? Would you mind so?" The Inspector proffers a piece of paper and a

The Irishman starts making notes, drawing diagrams, pacing up & down,
sucking the pencil and displaying furrowed brow. All of this naturally
worries the Inspector. "Look," he says, "I'm going to go get a coffee;
when I come back, I really must have an answer or I'm not going be able
to offer you employment." "Ah right, ok," answers the Irishman.

Five minutes later, the Inspector is back. "Alright, what can you tell
me?" he asks, hopefully.

"I don't like you," the Irishman promptly replies. "I think you're being
a bit of a cunt as it goes." The Inspector is shocked, understandably.

"Why?" he enquires.

"Well, you've got those two outside on traffic duty and you've got me on
a murder case already!"

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Richard Hammond

The Brainiac office have received a telephone call claiming
for the accident. The caller claimed he was speaking on behalf of the
Provisional Wing of the Caravan Club.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Hammond

What do Richard Hammond and Elton John have in Common?

They both have skid marks on their helmet!

Richard Hammond is yet another example why you shouldnt drive and do do
drugs. Apparently he was on top gear at the time!

What do Richard Hammond and Kate Moss have in common?

They've both been fucked on top gear.

Friday, September 22, 2006

[nilesfunnies] [Fwd: Fw: News just in:]

News just in:

There was a flutterer of excitement in classic rock circles earlier
today at news there could be a spate of Hammond Organ donations imminent.

[nilesfunnies] B3ta's take on Richard Hammond

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: eBay

I just bought Steve Irwin's wetsuit off eBay. It's got a fucking great
hole in it. Do you think I've been stung?

Monday, September 18, 2006

[nilesfunnies] [Fwd: Mujibar]

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed

all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for

this job."
Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready."

The manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it
up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works at a call centre for a major UK banking
organization solving client's problems. No doubt you will have spoken to


John Hein


ScotsGay Magazine | PO Box 666, Edinburgh, Scotland. EH7 5YW
Puts the GAY back into | Telephone: +44 (0) 131-539 0666
SCOTLAND | TeleFax: +44 (0) 131-539 2999
| WorldWideWeb:
For a copy of the magazine by post (UK only) phone 0906 11 00 256
(calls should cost no more than 2GBP)


Wednesday, September 13, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: A beauty, a perfect divinity,

A beauty, a perfect divinity,
Till twenty retained her virginity.
The lads up at Magdalen
Must have been dawdlin' -
It couldn't have happened at Trinity.

There was a young man of St John’s
Who wanted to bugger the swans.
But the loyal hall porter
Said, “Pray, take my daughter!
Those birds are reserved for the dons.”

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: I recall a couple of clean 'punny' ones I read when I was a kid:

A handsome young fellow named Tate
Dined with his girl at 8:08
But I cannot relate
What that fellow named Tate
And his tête-à-tête ate at 8:08


A girl who weighed many an oz.
Used language I cannot pronoz.
When a fellow unkind
Pulled a chair from behind
Just to see, so he said, if she'd boz.

>From the depths of the crypt at Saint Giles
Came a scream that resounded for miles
Said the vicar "Good gracious
Has Father Ignatius
Forgotten the Bishop has piles?"

There was a young fellow named Bright
Who could travel faster than light
He departed one day
In an Einsteinian way
And came back the previous night

There was a young fellow from Grimsby
Who said "What funny things quims be
The hole in the middle
Is clearly for piddle
But for what can these hair covered rims be?"

[nilesfunnies] Smutty limericks

There was a bohemian monk
Who was lying one night in his bed
He dreamt that the Venus
was sucking his elbow
And woke up all covered in perspiration

The limerick packs laughs anatomical
In a space that is quite economical
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean
And the clean ones so seldom are comical

A habit obscene and unsavoury
Held the Bishop of Wessex in slavery.
With maniacal howls
He buggered young owls
That he kept in an underground aviary.

There was a young lady from Bude,
Who went for a swim in the lake
A man in a punt
Stuck a pole up her nose
And said "You can't do that here, it's private"

A bather whose clothing was strewed,
By breezes that left her quite nude,
Saw a man come along
And, unless i'm quite wrong,
You expected this line to be lewd!

There was an old bishop from Birmingham
Who screwed little girls while confirming 'em.
To rapturous applause
He would take off their drawers
And inject his episcopal sperm in 'em

The Bishop of Central Japan
Used to bugger himself with a fan.
When taxed with his acts
He said, "It contracts
And expands so much more than a man!"

A mathematician named Hall,
has a dodecahedronal ball.
The square of its weight,
times 11, plus 8,
is his phone number - give him a call!

There was a young man from Devizes,
whose bollocks were different sizes.
The left one was small,
and was no use at all,
but the right one was huge, and won prizes.

Friday, September 08, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: The Mortuary

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive
expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body

He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked
his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives
the mortician a blank check and says,

"I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit
for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she
finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk
stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician,

"Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and
very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check.

"There's no charge," he says.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue
suit!" she says.

Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "It cost nothing. You see, a
deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly
after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.
I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black
suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked

"So I switched the heads."

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Taxidermist

A lady takes her two dead monkeys to the taxidermist.
"After the male monkey died," she explained, "his mate missed him so
much that she just pined away."

"That's very sad" said the taxidermist. "Would you like them mounted?"

"Oh no! Holding hands will be fine."

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Bar singer

Bar singer
Female bar singer finishes her piece, walks over to the bar and brags in
a loud voice:

"Honey, two years ago, I insured my voice with Lloyds of London for

There is a hushed silence across the bar. Then the bartender leans
forward and says quietly: "So what did you do with the money...?"

Thursday, September 07, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Top 10 things likely to be overheard from a Klingon Programmer

Top 10 things likely to be overheard from a Klingon Programmer
Got this at work and it made me smile, so thought I'd share it.

Top 10 things likely to be overheard from a Klingon Programmer

10. Specifications are for the weak and timid!
9. You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you
8. Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your
7. What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software
'releases' Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers
and quality assurance people in its wake.
6. Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have
'arguments' - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.
5. Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the
4. A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment on his code!
3. Klingon software does NOT have BUGS. It has FEATURES, and those
features are too sophisticated for a Romulan pig like you to understand.
2. You cannot truly appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the
original Klingon.
1. Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship
it and let them flee like the dogs they are!


Bridget Fox

---- End Forwarded Message ----

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: An Irish joke...

An Irish joke...
The Irish football teams looks like they're still learning a lot from
Bobby Robson.

Neither has any movement down the left-hand side!

[nilesfunnies] Fw:

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Pirate captain: "Where's me Buccaneers?"

Pirate captain: "Where's me Buccaneers?"
Crew: "Under your bucking hat!"

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Last Saturday's National Lottery prog:

Last Saturday's National Lottery prog:
Dale Winton: In /Fawlty Towers/ which city did Manuel come from?

Scouse Bint (who, we had earlier been told, has just graduated in
Geography and Management): Edinburgh

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Newsflash...

Newsflash: Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin dead after attack by stingray.
Troy Tempest wanted for questioning.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: "he died like he lived...

"he died like he lived...

...antagonising dangerous animals"

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Steve Irwin arrives in heaven with a sun tan and Saint Peter asks where

Steve Irwin arrives in heaven with a sun tan and Saint Peter asks where
he has been……Catching rays mate, catching rays

Monday, September 04, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Hillier v Wilson

A literary spat:

In essence, the story is this. Bevis Hillier spent fifteen years
working on an exhaustive (and exhausting) three-volume biography of
John Betjeman.

A N Wilson rubbished the second volume when it came out a few years

Then Wilson announced his own biog, taking less than two years. It
came out earlier this year.

In it is a letter from a lady in Monaco, enclosing a letter from JB
to a wartime girl-friend. It had come into her possession through
her father, she said

Wilson pounced on it with glee and made much of it in his book. The
PR people made much play with the fact that Wilson had unearthed a
previously unknown relationship.

Then someone spotted the fact that the initial letters of sentences
in the letter spelled "A N Wilson is a shit.". And the sender's name
- Eve de Harben - is an anagram of "Ever been had."

At first Hillier denied all knowledge of the jape. Now he's
admitted it.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: I Mel Gibson remade it:

If Mel Gibson were to remake "Dambusters":

- the bouncing bomb and other gadgets would have been developed in
- the aircraft would be Flying Fortresses, not Lancasters;
- the pilots would all be Scots, led by 'Mel Gibson', a gallant American;
- the English would resist the idea of the mission until persuaded by the
US president, and would spend the rest of the movie attempting to sabotage
the plan through bureaucracy and incompetence;
- details of dam defences would have been discovered through use of the
decoded enigma machine, recently provided to the RAF by US intelligence;
- an English jew would be identified as a spy in the early part of the
movie, and summarily executed by the gallant American leader;
- said execution would take the form of a single pistol shot through the
centre of said spy's forehead;
- ... while spy is 'tail-end charlie' in an airborne Flying Fortress;
- ... and while gallant American leader is piloting another half a mile
away at 200mph;
- all six dams would be breached, the last by the gallant American leader
sacrificing himself and his entire crew and plane by diving straight
into the
- the gallant American leader would, naturally, survive by miraculously
being thrown clear just at the point of impact.

I could go on...


---- End Forwarded Message ----

Saturday, September 02, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Dressign

One of the signs of age is, apparently, seeing flimsily clad
youngsters and mentally dressing them ;-)

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | We're not heroes! | We're from Finchley! |