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Saturday, December 30, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Directions

A Jewish grandmother giving directions to her grown grandson who is
coming to visit with his wife: "You come to the front door of the
apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the
door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside,
the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When
you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell".

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with
my elbow"?

"You're coming empty handed"?

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: How do you stop a Robin from being hungry in Winter?

How do you stop a Robin from being hungry in Winter?

Hit it with a shovel.

Monday, December 25, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Churchill

Nazi Foreign Minister Ribbentrop to Churchill, Pre-WWII: "If there's
another war in Europe, the Italians will be on our side." Churchill to
Ribbentrop: "Seems only fair... we had them last time..."

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Dog

Rivkah, a little old lady get on an El Al flight to Israel. She's
carrying a bag, a purse and a little dog in a box. She sits down and
puts the box on the seat next to her.

A stewardess approaches Rivkah and says, "I'm sorry Madam, but you can't
keep the dog here. I'll have to take it and put it in baggage."
Rivkah agrees. What else can she do?

During the flight, the stewardess looks in on the little dog, and Oy
Gevult, the dog is dead. She informs the pilot who notifies Tel Aviv
airport who tells the director who decides that they will get an other
dog to replace this one. The little old lady will never know.
When the plane lands and Rivkah goes to the baggage hall to claim her
box, they bring her a box with a new dog, an exact replica of her old
dog. "This is not my dog", Rivkah exclaims.

"Why yes it is," the captain tells her. "See, it has the same markings."

"This is not my dog", Rivkah insists.

"How do you know this isn't your dog?" asks the captain.

"My dog is dead!"

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: It's cold out...

Prostitutes in Dublin have been complaining about the freezing weather.
Don't they know when they're well off??? It's minus 5 in Ipswich...

[nilesfunnies] Fw: The pessimist

A pessimist was taking sky-diving lessons. The instructor explained that
it was time for his first jump, and all he had to do was jump from the
plane, count to six, and pull the rip cord. A truck would be waiting for
him in the field where he would land.

The man jumped from the plane when he was told to, and counted to six.
When he pulled the rip cord, the parachute wouldn't open. He tried the
reserve chute and that didn't open.

Frustrated, he muttered to himself as he fell, "I'll bet the truck won't
be waiting for me either."

---- End Forwarded Message ----

Saturday, December 16, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: a better reworking of that is:

Q: How do you know a plane load of english tourists has landed in

A: Well the engines have stopped but the whining continues...

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Sleeping student

Sleeping student
The English student fell asleep in class after a night out with the boys.

The English professor threw a book at him.

"What hit me?"

The professor replied "That was a flying Chaucer."

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Green Witch

Once upon a time in England, a very mean witch was terrorizing the local
population, and a delegation finally went to see the local wizard to ask
what could be done about her. The wizard gave them a potion that would
turn the witch into a statue. It wasn't easy, but the townspeople
managed to sneak the potion into the witch's food. When she found out
about this, she turned green with rage, but it was too late and the
potion worked as expected. The jubilant population had a big celebration
and parade, and placed the petrified witch in a park as a public example.
Pretty soon, people discovered that the witch had been frozen in a
position that made her a perfect sundial and started using her to tell
the time of day. The custom grew and even today, people often refer to
"Green Witch Mean Time."

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Australian Humour

Fwd: cix:jokes/19jokes:5783 johndunedin(1625) 15/12/2006 15:01
---- Forwarded Message ----

Australian Humour

A bloke's wife went missing while holidaying on the Australian coast.

He spent a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there was a knock at the door and he was confronted by a
couple of pretty miserable policemen, the old Sarge and a younger

The Sarge said: "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some
really bad news, but, some good news and maybe some really good news."

"Well," says the bloke, "You'd better let me have it both barrels, what's
the bad news?"

The Sarge said, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young Bill
here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef.

He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The bloke was naturally pretty distressed to hear this and had a bit of a
turn. After a few minutes he pulled himself together and asked what the
good news was.

The sarge said, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few
really good sized crays and swag of edible crabs in and around her
swimsuit, so we've brought you your share." And he handed the bloke a bag
with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

"Gee thanks," said the man.

"They're bloody beaut... I guess it's an ill wind and all that. Now,
what's the really good news?"

"Well", the Sarge said, "Me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11
o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!...

You fancy comin' along?"

Copyright ©John Hein 2006

---- End Forwarded Message ----

Thursday, December 14, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Jake And Abe

When their mine became defunct, Jake and Abe decided to grow mushrooms
in its cool, dark tunnels. Business prospered but Jake wanted all the
profits, so he decided to kill Abe by planting some poisonous varieties
in his partner's section. When Abe found out, he had Jake arrested.
Although the charge of attempted murder was dismissed for lack of
evidence, the court did find Jake guilty . . . of corrupting the morels
of a miner

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Trouser buying

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Coal

A steam locomotive passing through Poland one night was running
low on coal. The engineer said to his fireman, "We're coming to a
town, let's stop and send the porter out to get more coal. Can you
see the name of the town on the depot sign?"

The fireman replied, "It appears to be Danzig in the dark."

And the engineer shouted, "Buy coal, Porter!"

[nilesfunnies] Fw: One of my favourite jokes, a few decades ago:

One of my favourite jokes, a few decades ago:

Q: What did Jeremy Thorpe and William the Conqueror have in common?
A: They were both fucking Norman.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Canada Apologises To The US

A truly Canadian Apology to the USA, courtesy of Rick Mercer from This
Hour Has 22 Minutes, CBC Television:

Hello. I'm Anthony St. George on location here in Washington.

On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the
United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well
recently and for that, I am truly sorry. I'm sorry we called George Bush
a moron. He is a moron, but it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If
it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect
poorly on the people of America. After all, it's not like you actually
elected him.

I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees
than you, doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper
and better than your own. It would be like if, well, say you had ten
times the television audience we did and you flood our market with great
shows, cheaper than we could produce. I know you'd never do that.

I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defense I guess our
excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than
yours. As word of apology, please accept all of our NHL teams which, one
by one, are going out of business and moving to your fine country.

I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up
against a crazed dictator, you want to have your friends by your side. I
realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against
Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.

I'm sorry we burnt down your White House during the War of 1812. I see
you've rebuilt it! It's very nice.

I'm sorry for Alan Thicke, Shania Twain, Celine Dion, Loverboy, that
song from Seriff that ends with a really high-pitched long note. Your
beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer, but we feel your pain.

And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly
apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a
thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over
this. Because we've seen what you do to countries you get upset with.

For 22 minutes, I'm Anthony St. George, and I'm sorry.

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Dyslexic Santa

Dyslexic Santa

Apparently there's a dyslexic Santa on the loose in Ipswich - he keeps
leaving prozzies under trees.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Re: [nilesfunnies] Wise Men

The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger.

One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and smacked his head on the low
doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed.

"Write that down, Mary," said Joseph "It's better than Derek."

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | We're not heroes! | We're from Finchley! |

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are

Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angles Sing About Me

Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and
Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and trees and
Fire Hydrants and......

Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get me

Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna
Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells...

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Respiratory Safety Policy

Respiratory Safety Policy
In line with the new breed of nanny H&S Policies, here is the logical

The Company has compiled this policy as a means of highlighting and
reducing risks to employees during their general business and domestic

Company employees who breath during work

The nature of the activity reflects breathing for the purpose of
oxygenating haemoglobin in the work and domestic environment.

1. Exposure to toxic agents, such has oxygen, nitrogen, carbon dioxide
2. Exposure to particulate materials
3. Exposure to microbial contamination that could cause common cold,
influenza or other RTI
4. Life.

It is the responsibility of the employee to ensure that the following
occurs and is adhered to whilst breathing on company business whether in
company owned air or a privately owned air.
• Breathers will ensure that they are adequately insured to extract and
process company air prior to commencing inspiration. Breathers of
normally private air will ensure that their insurance covers business
use (consult your Insurance Company).
• Breathers must ensure that their nostrils and lungs are in compliance
with air safety regulations.
• Breathers must ensure that they are licensed and competent to breath
the type of air to be inspired and the company has an up to date copy
of the licence for the type of air breathed.
• The breather must ensure that the air being inspired is regularly
oxygenated and is legal in all respects and has an up to date AIR
certificate (if applicable).
• The breather will plan breathing to ensure it is suitable and to fit
in with their working day and activities.
• The breather will ensure that the body is in good condition prior to
starting inspiration. A visual inspection will be made of
• Nose, to ensure a clear un-restricted passage is available.
• Mouth is clear and not obstructed by food, cigarettes, biros which may
impede breathing.
• The breather will also check for the presence of water, blood, urine
or fecal deposits below the body, which could indicate leaks.
• Upon starting inspiration, the breather will listen for unusual
sounds, which could indicate damage to the body. The breather should
stop breathing immediately and seek assistance if unsure.
• If upon starting to breath, the body handles unusually then the
breather will not continue without further investigation and repair.
• All bodies must be maintained regularly according to the
manufacturer’s (God plc.) recommendations. In the case of company
bodies, it is the responsibility of the breather or where the body is
shared between personnel the department head to ensure compliance with
this requirement. Breathers must not use bodies for which there is any
concern about the state of maintenance
• Intoxication, whether alcohol or drug related, is a serious offence,
and breathers will not use bodies when under the influence of alcohol or

Oxygen is known to be dangerous and immediately life threatening in high
concentrations. It has been established by the government that there is
no actual safe lower limit of oxygen exposure. Inspiration is know cause
of oxygen exposure and it is the company’s responsibility to protect
it’s employees from unnecessary exposure to toxic substances. As a
result, inspiration is no longer permitted.

Carbon dioxide is known greenhouse gas and expiration is a proven source
of CO2. Indeed 5% of every expired breath is CO2. The company is
required to by government to reduce ‘Greenhouse Gas’ emissions by 20% by
2010 and as a result, expiration of CO2 is no longer permitted.

Pathogens: Inspiration is an established cause of infection of the upper
respiratory tract by known pathogens. Upper Respiratory Tract Infections
are known to cause loss of work performance and even extended sick leave
in the case ‘Near Terminal Male Flu’. Employees believed to have been
breathing in the presence of such pathogens will be considered to have
self inflicted their disease state and will no longer be eligible for
sick pay.

Life. Life is a known cause of death with a near 100% mortality rate.
The company has a legal obligation to protect it’s employees from risk
of death, therefore Life is no longer permitted.

---- End Forwarded Message ----

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: How Jesus Escaped

How Jesus Escaped

The Sunday after Christmas, the Sunday School teacher told her
students about an angel appearing to Joseph in a dream, warning
him about danger to the baby Jesus and telling him how to escape
from it.

After the story time, the students were given an opportunity to
draw a picture about the story.

Most of the pictures were predictable, but Larry's had an odd
element in it. "Larry, I see Joseph and Mary with the baby Jesus
on a donkey, but what is that following the donkey?

"It's the flea, teacher."

"Flea...? Ah...what flea?" asked the teacher.

To which the boy faithfully repeated the Bible verse, "Take Mary
and Jesus and flea to Egypt." he said. "There's Mary, there's
Jesus, and there's the flea."

"I have abandoned responsibility and have embraced frivolity"

---- End Forwarded Message ----

Monday, December 11, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Santa and the Civil Aviation Authority

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Civil
Aviation Authority, and it was shortly before Christmas when the CAA
examiner arrived. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and
bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his
paperwork was in order.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer
harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly
reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous

Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in, fastened his
seatbelt and shoulder harness, and checked the compass. Then the
examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

"What's that for?" Santa asked

The examiner winked and said, "Well, I'm not supposed to tell you this,
but you're going to lose an engine during takeoff."

[nilesfunnies] Fw: In the news

The Hard Rock Café chain has been bought by Florida's Seminole Indians
for $1bn.

Unfortunately this means you can only eat there now with a

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Mollusc Research

Mollusc Research
Then there is researcher Peter Fong, who has given new meaning to the
expression "happy as a clam." The Southampton University biologist
stumbled onto the fact that molluscs reproduce at 10 times their
normal rate if Prozac is dumped in the water.

Fong was pursuing research on the basic nervous system of fingernail
clams when he discovered that if he dumped the antidepressant into
the water, the clams would start reproducing madly.

"It's a piece of wonderful science and it sounds utterly ridiculous
at the same time," Abrahams said.

Traffic was backed up almost to a standstill this morning as I drove
to town. I turned on the radio to listen to my favourite station
but they were playing Rock-a-billy which I absolutely detest.

So I decided to change over to Radio 4 and happened to
tune in as the show host was complaining about Government waste
of funds on useless research projects. He was objecting to the Government
funding to a team in Southampton Uni , that was feeding
clams and other molluscs large doses of Prozac to determine its
effect on these sea dwellers. He cited this as an example of
Government waste.

I immediately phoned him and found myself on the
air. The host was very unhappy when I told him that this research was
very important as it was essential to determine if Prozac was
effective as a mussel relaxant.

Friday, December 08, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: One for Sacha :O)

An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the
beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple
making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to
himself: “Ah,young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est
magnifique!”, and continued to watch, remembering the good old day's
that he'd once enjoyed.

Suddenly he gasped and said: “Mais... Sacre bleu! Ze woman she is dead!,”
before heading off as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the
police chief.

He arrived at the Police Station, out of breath, and shouted:
“Jean...Jean...zere is zis man, zis woman ... naked in farmer Gaston's
field making love.”

The police chief smiled and said: “Come, come, Henri you are not so old;
remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah,L'amour!
is OK.”

“Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!”

Upon hearing this, Jean, leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the
jumped on his push-bike, pedalled down to the field, confirmed Henri's
story, and pedalled all the way back (non-stop) to call the doctor.

He picked up the telephone and screamed: “Pierre, Pierre, ... this is
I was in Gaston's field; zere is a young couple naked having sex .”

To which Pierre replied,”Jean, I am a man of science. You must's spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour! Zis is very

Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply: “NON, you do not understand;
ze woman, she is dead!”

Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed: “Mon dieu!,” grabbed his black medicine
bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools; jumped in
his car; and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.

After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri
and Jean, who were waiting at the station.

When he got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said: “Ah, mes
amis,do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is English”

[nilesfunnies] Fw: British Rail

British Rail have sacked several of their managers for putting models of
Rudolph and his pals on top of their Ticket Offices.

They strongly deny that this is another example of Political Correctness
gone mad.

They just don't want staff with high deers above their station.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

[nilesfunnies] An unsuitable role model for a young woman

After the kerfuffle had settled down Goldilocks kept house for the
three bears, the bears went to work for the dwarves and Snow White and
Goldilocks became best friends and often called on each other to natter
and swap recipes for porridge (the internet hadn't been invented yet).

One day the bears came back early and complained that all their mining
equipment had been stolen. When Snow White called round for elevenses
she remarked that the bears were still there. Yes, said Goldilocks,
today's the day the teddy bears had their picks nicked.

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | We're not heroes! | We're from Finchley! |

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: Tools Explained

Tools explained

* DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against
that freshly painted motorcycle part you were drying.

* WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint
whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you
to say, 'Ouch....'

* ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age.

* PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

* HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.

* VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt he ads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
the palm of your hand.

* OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

* WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

* HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.

* EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile
upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

* TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

* PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.

* SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading Mayonnaise; used mainly for getting doggie poo off your

* E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any
known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

* TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on
everything you forgot to disconnect.

* CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
opposite the handle.


* TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes
called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, 'the sunshine
vitamin,'which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health
benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 60-watt light bulbs
at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used
during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More
often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

* PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be
used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

* AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-
burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed
air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that
grips rusty bolts, last over tightened 58 years ago by someone at GMC
or Ford, neatly rounds off their heads.

* PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

* HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

* HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensi ve parts
not far from the object we are trying to hit.

* MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic

* DARNIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the
garage while yelling 'DARNIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also
the next tool that you will need.

* EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which
somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every
deficiency in foresight.

No virus found in this incoming message.
Checked by AVG Free Edition.
Version: 7.5.432 / Virus Database: 268.15.9/573 - Release Date:
05/12/2006 16:07

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

[nilesfunnies] Fw: My mate

My mate
My mates got a string of Indian Restaurants in Birmingham - he's a