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Thursday, January 25, 2007

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Finishing up

Finishing up
A virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his
favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young
blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to
his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom
where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with
a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and
replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she
thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally
ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?" Again, after a
short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly
says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied,
Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength,
he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing
and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back,
gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles
proudly and asked again, "You finish?" Barely able to speak, the
beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."

[nilesfunnies] Fw: The Granite Humanoid

The Granite Humanoid

One day a planet is discovered out Antares way whose sole inhabitant is
an enormous humanoid, three miles high and made of granite.

At first it is mistaken for an immense statue left by some vanished race
of giant, for it squats motionless on a yellow plain, exhibiting no
outward sign of life.

It has legs, but it never rises to walk on them.

It has a mouth, but never eats or speaks.

It has what appears to be a perfectly functional brain, the size of a
condominium, but the organ lies dormant, electrochemical activity at a

Yet it lives.

This puzzles the scientists, who try everything they can think of to get
some sign of life from the behemoth--in vain.

It just squats, motionless and seemingly thoughtless, until one day a
xenobiologist, frustrated beyond endurance, screams, "How could
evolution give legs, mouth and brain to a creature that doesn't use them?"

It happens that he's the first one to ask a direct question in the
thing's presence.

It rises with a thunderous tumble to its full height, scattering the
clouds, thinks for the second, booms, "IT COULDN'T," and squats down

"Migod," exclaims the xenobiologist, "of course! It only stands to

Wednesday, January 24, 2007


"The 2004 Chambers Guide to the Legal Profession described him having a
"pedigree which stands out by itself". The 2005 edition as "tremendously
bright", the 2006 edition as a "business crime legend" and the 2007
edition as having made a "massive academic contribution due to his
involvement on the lecture circuit". Colleagues have described him as a
'complete wanker'."

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

[nilesfunnies] Letter to the editor

Dear Sir
I have a seven-inch black disc with a hole in the middle. Is this a

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Birds of a feather

John James Audubon, pursuing an intense interest in the genetic
traits of birds, raised a colony of European crows. One day, he met a
friend who inquired, ... Bred any good rooks lately?"

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Doctors - What They Say / What They Mean

Doctors - What They Say / What They Mean

*NHS Doctors* -

"Well, what do we have here...?"
- He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

"Let's see how it develops."
- Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
- I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
- I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
- I think I'm going to throw up.

"This may smart a little."
- Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
- I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

"I'd like to run some more tests."
- I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab
can solve this one.

"There is a lot of that going around."
- That's the third one this week. I'd better learn something

"If the symptoms persist, call for another appointment."
- I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Glad I'm off next

Private Doctors -

"This should be taken care of right away."
- I'd planned a trip to Paris next month, but this is so easy and
profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

"Let me check your medical history."
- I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending
anymore time with you.

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
- I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this is a waste of time.
- I need the money, so I'm charging you for another office visit.

"We have some good news and some bad news."
- The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news
you're going to pay for it.

"Let me schedule you for some tests."
- I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
- He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

"This should fix you up."
- The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this

"Everything seems to be normal."
- Rats! I guess I can't buy that new broach for my mistress after

Cheers, Neil

---- End Forwarded Message ----

Thursday, January 18, 2007

[nilesfunnies] Cat cartoons


[nilesfunnies] Fw: Scots Librarian

 A man walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

 "Excuse me Miss, day ye hiv ony books on suicide?"

 To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her
 glasses, and says,

 "F*** off, ye'll no bring it back!"

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Thinner man

Thinner man

There was this painter who believed in making a penny where he could, so
he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the
Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their
biggest buildings.

Wayne put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and
buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with

Well, Wayne was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly
completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky
opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over
the church and knocking Wayne clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn
among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and
useless paint. Wayne was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the
Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke......

........."Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

---- End Forwarded Message ----

Re: [nilesfunnies] Walkout at La Scala

My father used to joke about the time that he sang Celeste Aida at La Scala
and finished to rapturous applause and cries of "Encora! encora!"

So he sang it again.

And again, rapturous applause and cries of "Encora! encora!"

Seventeen encores later he was standing at the front of the stage ecstatic
with the joy that only a triumphal performance in front of the world's most
critical audience can give. He held up his hands for silence. To the hushed
audience he announced that he was overwhelmed by their enthusiasm but now he
was exhaustedand hoarse and couldn't possibly perform it again.

The audience murmured amongst themselves then a hard, clear voice rang out
from the back:

"Hey! Eengleesh! Youa sing it again untilla you get ita right!"

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | We're not heroes! | We're from Finchley! |

Monday, January 15, 2007

Re: [nilesfunnies] Perjury, now with added spoiler for Sunday

Oh what a tangled web we weave
When first we practice to deceive.
But once we've practiced for a while
We rapidly improve our guile :-)

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | We're not heroes! | We're from Finchley! |

[nilesfunnies] San Fran

"In the San Francisco murder trial the jury is out... as are the judge, the
prosecuting lawyer, and the district attorney."

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | We're not heroes! | We're from Finchley! |

[nilesfunnies] Fw: The Glug Maker

The Glug Maker
The Glug Maker
One day,long,long ago,a young man decided to pursue a military career.
His preference from the three services was the Air Force. When he went
to the recruiting office,the officer in charge asked him if he had a
profession or trade.

"I am a Glugmaker",the young man replied. The officer,who had never
heard of a Glugmaker,looked up his book of aviation trades but could not
find any Glugmakers listed. "I'm sorry" he said to the young man,"we
don't appear to have any vacancies for Glugmakers at the moment,why
don't you try the Army or the Navy ?"

So the young man,disappointed at the news,went around to the Army
recruiting office.The recruiting officer asked him if he had a
profession or trade, to which the young man replied "I am a Glugmaker".
The officer,who had never heard of a Glugmaker,looked up his book of
Army trades but could not find any Glugmakers listed. " I'm sorry" he
said to the young man," we don't appear to have any vacancies for
Glugmakers at the moment,why don't you try the Air force or the Navy ?"

"I've already tried the Air Force" said the young man,by this time
feeling very exasperated,"I guess I'll have to try the Navy",and off he
went to the Navy recruiting office. When he arrived,the officer in
charge asked him if he had a profession or trade.

For the third time he responded,"I am a Glugmaker" The officer,who had
never heard of a Glugmaker,looked up his book of naval trades but could
not find any Glugmakers listed. Not wanting to appear a fool in front of
a civilian for not knowing what a Glugmaker was,he decided to call his
superior for advice. Unfortunately,his superior also did not know what a
Glugmaker was and so he told the recruiting officer to advise the young
man to try one of the other forces.

"But I have already tried them both and they do not have any vacancies"
said the young man,"it's a very specialised trade you know" On hearing
this,the officer decided,just in case,to contact his superior again.On
learning of the very specialised nature of Glugmaking,the superior,who
was only a Captain, decided to take the matter to an even higher
level.In the meantime,he instructed the recruitment officer to send the
young man away until they had obtained further advice from higher
echelons of the Navy.The young man,after leaving his name,address and
telephone number,returned to his home to await further developments.
Meanwhile, the Navy Captain, who was looking to further his career,
organised a team to investigate what a Glugmaker did. His team could
not, however,find any records of Glugmaking in any of their files. He
telephoned one of his aquaintances in the Air Force to see if he could
obtain the information, but , when he asked, the aquaintance, never
having heard of a Glugmaker and not wanting to seem stupid, replied "I'm
very sorry, but that is classified information and so I am not allowed
to tell you"

Feeling by now very desperate, the Captain called another aquaintance in
the Air Force. Again, when he asked the question, he received the same
reply "I'm sorry, but that is classified information and I am not
allowed to tell you"

With that, the Captain decided that he would really have to take the
matter to higher authorities.He called his superior, a Vice Admiral and
explained about the Glugmaker wanting to enlist and how he could not
find out what a Glugmaker did. The Vice Admiral, not wanting to be
bothered with what he considered to be a trivial matter, said to the
Captain, "Why don't you send him away to the Army or Air Force
recruitment centre and get rid of him ?"

The Captain explained that the Glugmaker had already tried both of the
other forces and found that they did not have any vacancies.On hearing
this, the Vice Admiral replied "Well, if they don't want him, why should
we take him ?"

The Captain then told the Vice Admiral of his calls to his associates in
the Army and Air Force. "When I called them" he said, they both told me
that information about Glugmakers was classified and that they could not
tell me anything about it" "The Glugmaker also told me that his was a
very specialised trade" he added, "The Army and the Air Force obviously
must already have one and so don't need another and that is why they
sent him to us" On hearing this, the Vice Admiral responded "Well, if
they already have one, and the trade is so specialised, why don't we
have one?"

The Captain of course, did not have an answer to this and could only
apologise to the Vice Admiral for his lack of knowledge."Should I
contact the Glugmaker and sign him up ?" he said. The Vice Admiral,
being very careful of his position,replied "Not yet, I will have to run
this past the Admiral of the fleet before we make a final decision"

The next day, the Vice Admiral called the Admiral of the fleet and told
him the whole story. The Admiral, who considered that the Navy was the
cream of the armed forces, willingly agreed with the Vice Admiral that
the Navy should have it's own Glugmaker, so much so that he instructed
the Vice Admiral to not only recruit the Glugmaker, but to base him
exclusively on the pride of the fleet, the Admiral's own battleship. The
Vice Admiral called the Captain, who, in turn, called the recruiting
officer and instucted him to enlist the Glugmaker as soon as possible
and have him report to the Admiral's vessel with all his equipment.The
recruiting officer contacted the Glugmaker and advised him of the good

A few days later, after the Glugmaker had been enlisted and issued with
his kit, he turned up at the wharf together with a very large truck.
"Glugmaker reporting for duty, sir" he said to the officer of the watch.
"Welcome aboard" said the officer, "We have been expecting you, what do
you have in the truck ?" "That is all my gear and equipment" replied the
Glugmaker, "I will need some help getting it on board" The officer
arranged a work party to carry all the equipment aboard and stow it in a
lower hold,the only place large enough to hold all the gear.

The next day, the battleship left port for sea manouvres and, once
safely at sea, the Admiral called the Glugmaker to the bridge. "Now,
Glugmaker, when are you going to start work ?" he said. "I will have to
start right away" said the Glugmaker. "It is very time consuming and I
must have complete privacy until everything is ready"

The Admiral instructed all his officers to make sure that the Glugmaker
had everything he needed, a spacious area to work, and told them to
ensure that the Glugmaker had complete privacy.

With that, the Glugmaker departed to the lower hold where his equipment
had been stored and began work.

For the next few days, except for a few occasions when he sent for the
odd tool or two, or maybe some additional materials, nothing was seen of
the Glugmaker except at meal times.He kept hard at work and didn't even
issue progress reports.

After he had been working for a week, the Admiral called him once again
to the bridge. "How is your work going down there ?" he asked. "Very
well indeed sir" replied the Glugmaker."Well, when are we going to see
some results ?" asked the Admiral. "It's difficult to say at the moment
sir" replied the Glugmaker, "but it should not be too much longer" The
Glugmaker then returned to work.

Another week went by and by this time the Admiral was becoming quite
upset by the delay and so ,once again, he called the Glugmaker to the
bridge."Look here my man, this Glugmaking has been going on for far too
long,when is it going to be finished ?" he said. The Glugmaker replied
"Just a couple more days sir, and then it will be ready" "Very well"
said the Admiral, "I will give you until Thursday at 1700 hours to
complete your task"

"Oh, I promise it will be completed by then sir" replied the Glugmaker,
and then returned to work.

He worked far into the night for the next two days to ensure thet his
work would be finished on time.

At 1700 hours on the Wednesday, the Admiral called the Glugmaker to the
bridge once again and asked him if his work was finished. "Yes sir" the
Glugmaker replied, "It is at last finished and ready to be put into

"What do you need then" asked the Admiral. "All I need for the next few
hours sir, is a work crew to help bring the equipment on deck and
assemble it, we could then have a demonstration first thing in the
morning when it will be daylight" replied the Glugmaker.

The Admiral arranged for the work party and the Glugmaker led them into
the hold to start work.

The first piece that was brought onto deck was an enormous box, which
the Glugmaker very carefully had set in place and aligned exactly in the
centre of the deck. The next piece was a box of similar design but a
little smaller which was placed on top of the first box, again exactly
in the centre.

All throught the night, the work crew kept bringing up boxes, each one a
little smaller than the previous one, and all of which were stacked onto
each other, exactly in the centre.

At about 0500 in the morning, the Glugmaker said " O.K. crew, that's the
final one,let's knock off and get some sleep before daylight when we
have the demonstration" With a sigh of relief, they all went to their
bunks where they fell asleep immediately.

When daybreak came, the Glugmaker was awoken and told to report to the
Admiral. When he reported, the Admiral aked him if he was ready for the
demonstration. The Glugmaker replied, "Well sir, I would appreciate some
breakfast first as the crew and I worked all night getting things
ready". The Admiral agreed and ordered the Glugmaker to report an hour
later, ready to go to work.

An hour later, feeling much refreshed after a hearty breakfast, the
Glugmaker reported once more to the Admiral. "Well sir",he said,
"Everything seems to be in order and I am ready to go" "At last" said
the Admiral "We have waited a long time for this, what do we need to do

"To take full advantage of this" said the Glugmaker, "I need every
member of the crew, with the exception of people who cannot really leave
their posts, assembled on deck to await instructions"

The Admiral issued the order to have all non critical personnel assemble
on the deck near the structure built by the Glugmaker and , when they
were assembled, he and the Glugmaker went to the assembled crew. The
Glugmaker adressed the crew and explained what was needed to be done
when he gave the order. "Immediately when the order is given" said the
Glugmaker, " I will need the entire crew to run right around the deck
from stem to stern, until the order is given to halt" He emphasised the
criticality of all personnel starting and stopping at the same time
until he was satisfied that the crew fully understood.

Finally, he turned to the Admiral and said "Sir, would you do the
honours and give the order ?" The Admiral gave the order and the crew
immediately started running around the deck.Once he was satisfied with
the speed of the runners, the Glugmaker went to the stern of the ship
and, taking out a hole saw, he cut a hole right in the centre of the
stern scuppers. When he was satisfied with the size and smoothness of
the hole, he went to the base of the structure he had erected the
previous night and began to climb.

Up and up he went until he got to the very top. Pausing there, he
surveyed the length and breadth of the ship and the crew running around
the deck.

Satisfied with their progress, he reached into his pocket and took out a
golf ball. With great care, he placed it on top of the highest box in
the structure which was just the right size to enable the Glugmaker to
balance the golf ball on the top.

Returning to the deck where the Admiral was waiting, he once more
surveyed the situation.

Due to the number of crew running around the deck, the ship was
developing quite a roll, obviously caused by the weight of the crew as
they went from one side of the ship to the other.The roll caused the
towering structure to move from side to side and the golf ball at the
very top to roll around on the very topmost box.When the ball had
developed a smooth roll, the Glugmaker turned to the Admiral and
said,"Sir, on the count of three, please order the crew to halt". "Very
well",said the Admiral. At that, the Glugmaker counted, "One, Two,
Three". At the count of three, the Admiral, in his loudest voice, called
"Halt". The crew, being extremely well disciplined, came to an immediate
stop, all on one side of the ship.

This caused the ship to list all to the one side and of course, the
towering structure also leaned to the same side.

With the crew coming to such a sudden stop, and because of the list to
one side, the golf ball, which had been smoothly rolling around the top
of the uppermost box,suddenly popped over the rim of the box and started
bouncing down the tower. Down and down it came, bouncing from one level
to the other until it reached the deck. Once on the deck, because of the
angle of the deck, the golf ball ran straight into the scuppers and
started rolling towards the stern. Everyone's gaze was fixed on the golf
ball as they watched it gather speed. It rolled and rolled until it
reached the very stern and, because of the hole that the Glugmaker had
made, it shot straight out over the sea. Out and out it went until,
because of it's lack of speed and the law of gravity, it fell
...............GLUG !

Sunday, January 14, 2007

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Desert Crossing

It was a summer night in 1942 when we landed in a small inlet on the
coast of the Red Sea. Our orders were clear. Dressed as Bedouins we
were to cross the Arabian Desert to meet our contacts near the Nile
where we were to obtain vital information regarding Rommel's forces.

We were given a map showing each rivulet and creek as we could carry
only a limited amount of water. We had to travel primarily at night
because of the extreme heat. Each time we reached another creek on
the map, we would find only a wadi, totally dry this time of the year.

In spite of extreme thirst and dehydration, we finally staggered to
our assigned destination where we were met by Arab nomads loyal to
the Allied cause.

We explained that we had crossed the desert without water as every
river bed was dry.

"Of course," we were told, "you went from one ex-stream to

Visit Squiffy's House of Fun - Laughter for Multiple Sclerosis -
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---- End Forwarded Message ----

Thursday, January 11, 2007

[nilesfunnies] Fw: It depends, Miss.

It depends, Miss.
A infant teacher ask one of her pupils, "William, if both of your
parents were born in 1976, how old are they now?"

After a few moments, William answered, "It depends, Miss"

"It depends on what?" she asked.

"It depends on whether you ask my mum or my dad."

Friday, January 05, 2007

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Musician humour

Musician humour
Some of this may be a tad esoteric...

What do you call a drummer who doesn't have a girlfriend?

What did the deadhead say when he ran out of pot?
Oh wow, this band really does suck.

What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians?
A lead singer.

What do you do when a musician knocks on your door?
Give him the money and take the pizza.

What's the definition of a gentleman?
Someone who knows how to play the trombone, but chooses not to.

What does it mean when a guitar player is drooling out of both sides
of his mouth?
The stage is level.

What's the difference between a clarinet and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a clarinet.

How many producers does it take to change a lightbulb?
I don't know, what do you think?

What do bass players use for birth control?
Their personality.

How do you get two piccolo players to play a perfect unison?
Shoot one.

What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.

Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped zones.

What is "perfect pitch?"
When you lob a clarinet into a toilet without hitting the rim.

What's the definition of a nerd?
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?
You can tune a lawn mower.

How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David
Sanborn would have done it.

How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb, and the other four to tell him how much
better they could have done it.

How do you make a trombone sound like a French Horn?
Stick your hand in the bell and play the wrong notes.

What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a
dead country singer in the road?
The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.

How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?
Take the Dominos Pizza sign off the roof.

What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
"Year At A Glance."

What's the range of a tuba?
About twenty yards, if you have a good arm.

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.

What did the timpanist get on his IQ test?

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They have machines to do that now.

"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."

---- End Forwarded Message ----