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Friday, February 23, 2007

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Prayer Problem

Prayer Problem
A young man visited his sister who was married to a farmer
in a poor district of the country. Since there were limited
accommodations, he was required to sleep with his young

When the young man came into the bedroom, he saw the
little boy kneeling at the side of the bed with his head

Thinking this was the child's religious upbringing, he
decided to present a good example and kneeled at the
other side of the bed with his head bowed.

The child looked up and said, "Whatcha doin'?"

"Why, the same thing you're doing", replied the uncle.

"Ma's gonna be mad", said the boy. "The pot's on this

Monday, February 19, 2007

[nilesfunnies] Lawyers in a cafe

It's lunchtime and two lawyers go into a café. They order a drink each
and then take their sandwiches out of their briefcases and start eating.

"Oy" shouts the café owner, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here."

So the lawyers shrug their shoulders and exchange sandwiches.

Friday, February 16, 2007

[nilesfunnies] Got the Mrs sorted for Valentine's Day

Got the Mrs sorted for Valentine's Day
Got her a new belt and bag.

The Hoover's working great now.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

[nilesfunnies] Fw: My First Confession

My First Confession
A parish priest was being honoured at a dinner on the twenty-fifth
anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician,
who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the
presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner, but he was
delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while
they waited.

“You will understand,” he said, “the seal of the confessional can never
be broken, however I got my first impressions of the parish from the
first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but
when I came here 25 years ago I thought I had been assigned to a
terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me
how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had
almost murdered the officer! Further, he told me he had embezzled money
from his place of business and had an affair with his boss’s wife. I was
appalled! But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all
like that, and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of
understanding and loving people.”

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of
apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation
and give his talk.

“I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this
parish,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honour of being the
first one to go to him in confession.”

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

[nilesfunnies] Fw: A couple of gags that I've been reminded of by recent threads

Robinson Crusoe has been on his island for some time and has now met his
Man Friday. He decides that it is time to start teaching him English.

He picks up one of the cooking pots that he managed to save from the
shipwreck and points at it saying "pot".

Friday looks at it, nods his head and says "pot".

"Good". Now Crusoe picks up the kettle that he saved from the shipwreck:


Friday looks at it, puzzled, and says "pot".

"No", says Crusoe and points to the cooking pot - "pot",
then points to the kettle "kettle".

Friday points to the cooking pot and says "pot", then to the kettle and
again says "pot".

"No" says Crusoe, picks up the pot and says "This is a pot", then picks
up the kettle "This is a kettle"

Friday picks up the pot saying "pot". He then picks up the kettle saying
"Pot, pot, pot".

This happens a few more times until Crusoe in exasperation cries:

"I give up - talk about the black calling the kettle "pot"!"

Monday, February 12, 2007

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Dead horse

In Malta, there are horse-drawn carriages called karozzin - for some
reason, referred to by matelots as garries.

After a night ashore, a couple of dozen of the lads from a ship all came
back adrift (late) and were put on report. First one up, asked to
explain himself, explained how he'd got up in time and got a garry to
return and half way back, the horse dropped dead.

This same yarn, with only slight variations, got repeated by the next 22
guys up and the first lieutenant, getting a bit fed up, said he supposed
that the same applied again, for the last one.

"No sir!. Not at all, sir. My garry horse is just fine - just couldn't
get through for all those dead ones!"

Sunday, February 11, 2007

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Flashing lights... not supposed to be a joke

Flashing lights... not supposed to be a joke
"Solicitor Cheryl Clark, defending, said Mohammed was not aware the
lights should not be fitted to a civilian car and wanted to see what the
lights looked like when they were on."

She added that Mohammed had then had difficulty turning them off.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Confession Time

Confession Time
A man enters the confessional and says "Bless me father for I have
sinned; it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex
with Fannie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three
Hail Mary's."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two
months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice
a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his
sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.

All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and
sits down in front of the altar.

Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs
slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whispering asks, "Is that Fannie

The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off
her shoes".

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Three Irishmen

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub
late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave,
God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says
here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else
is written on the stone marker, and exclaims,

"Miles, from Dublin"

Thursday, February 08, 2007

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Caution

When I'm driving I see a sign that says, CAUTION: SMALL
CHILDREN PLAYING. I slow down, and then it occurs to me:
I'm not afraid of small children.......

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Last bus home

Scene: the last bus on the timetable. Young Woman (YW) gets on obviously
very out-of-breath. The bus is full so she stands. A kind older woman
(OW) notices this:
OW: You're very out-of-breath, my dear. Are you OK ?
YW: I'm OK, thanks, but I'm pregnant.
OW. You poor dear - have my seat.
<They swap positions>
OW: For how long have you been pregnant, my dear.
YW: Only about 10 minutes but it doesn't half make you out-of-breath.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

[nilesfunnies] Fw: British Army Answerphone

"Thank you for calling the British Army. I'm sorry, but all our units
are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a message
with your country, name of organisation, the region, the specific crisis
and a number at which we can call you. As soon as we have sorted out
Kosovo, Bosnia, Macedonia, Serbia, Iraq, Afghanistan, Northern Ireland,
Sierra Leone, The Congo, marching up and down bits of tarmac in London
and compulsory health and safety at work training, we will return your

"Please speak after the tone or, if you require more options, listen to
the following numbers:

"If your crisis is small and close to the sea, press 1 for the Royal

"If your concern is distant, with a tropical climate, good hotels and
can be solved by one or two low-risk bombing runs, please press 2 for
the Royal Air Force. (Please note that this service is not available
after 1630 or at weekends.)

"If your enquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a
warship, some bunting, flags, a damn good cocktail party and a first
class marching band, please write, well in advance, to the First Sea
Lord, The Royal Navy, Whitehall, London SW1."

Saturday, February 03, 2007

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Cultural differences

Cultural differences
Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to
your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 5 channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one there watches,
to Britain, where everybody loves them.

Americans: Love to watch sports on the idiot box.
Brits: Love to watch sports in stadiums so they can fight with other
Canadians: Prefer to actually engage in sports rather than watch them.
Aussies: Love to beat the Poms at every sport they play them in.

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, and
how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in
every sport they played them in.

Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English."
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English."
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate," and a heavy accent to everything they say

Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas and liquor
in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas and liquor
in a backwards country.

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to
the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be
bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the

Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

Brits: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their past
Americans: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their present
Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were once
Aussies: Wallow on about how some of their past citizens were once
outlaw Pommies, but none of that matters after several beers.

Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are
inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

Canadians: Encourage immigrants to keep their old ways and avoid
Americans: Encourage immigrants to assimilate quickly and dump their old
Brits: Encourages immigrants to go to Canada or America.
Aussies: Just don't allow them in.

Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it.
Brits: Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it.
Americans: Don't have to do either, and couldn't care less.
Aussies: Don't understand what inclement weather means.

Aussies: Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.
Canadians: Have produced many great comedians, like John Candy, Martin
Short, Jim Carey, Dan Akroyd, and all the rest at SCTV.
Americans: Think that these people are American!
Brits: Have produced many great comedians, but Americans ignore them
because they don't understand subtle humour.

Friday, February 02, 2007

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Little drama queen.....

Little drama queen.....
The best temper tantrum ever (-:

[nilesfunnies] [Fwd: The Hair dryer]

The Hair Dryer ( and the priest)

An attractive young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest
besides her, "Father, may I ask a favour?" "Of course, What may I do
for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is
well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is
there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your
robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I
will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The
official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top
of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare" The official
thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare
from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous little instrument
designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused. "Roaring
with laughter, the official said, & quot;Go ahead, Father. Next!"