[nilesfunnies] Fw: Question

Is it better to have loved a short person than never to have
loved a tall?

[nilesfunnies] Fw: 30% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house.

30% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house.
99% of men kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Breaking News

The Pakistani cricket team has given up cricket and taken up Bob
Sleighing...........

[nilesfunnies] Fw: At the Video shop

At the Video shop
Can I borrow "Batman Forever?"

No, you will have to bring it back tomorrow.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: The drunk

The drunk
Drunken man wobblying down the pavement..

Policeman: "hey you...you are staggering.."

Drunk: "...you are not so bad looking yourself..."

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Domino

A man goes into his local GP's surgery, straight past reception and the
waiting room, and barges into the Doctor's office.

"Sorry Doctor, but I've got a domino stuck up my arse and I can't go".

Doctor says, "Well, you could have knocked".

[nilesfunnies] Fw: The breakup

A married couple are driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles
per hour. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife suddenly looks
across at him and speaks in a clear voice. "Darling," she says. "I know
we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly
increases his speed to 45 mph. The wife speaks again. "I don't want you
to try and talk me out of it, she says, "because I've been having an
affair with your best friend, and he's a far better lover than you are."

Again the husband stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly
and slowly increases the speed to 55. She pushes her luck. "I want the
house," she says insistently.

Up to 60 mph.

"I want the car, too," she continues.

65 mph.

And," she says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and
the boat."

70.

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This
makes her a wee bit nervous, so she asks him: "Isn't there anything you
want?"

The husband at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've
got everything I need." he says.

"Oh, really?" she inquires, "so what have you got?" Just before they
slam into the wall at 75 mph, the husband turns to her and smiles; "The
airbag."

[nilesfunnies] Anagram

Presbyterians is an anagram of Britney Spears.

--
Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | We're not heroes!
www.alexfoster.me.uk | We're from Finchley!
flickr.com/photos/niles |

[nilesfunnies] [Fwd: Jock]

Jock McTavish was in court for buggering his cat

The case was dismissed because the Judge refused to believe
a scotsman would put anything into a f'n kitty

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[nilesfunnies] Fw: Take It!

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is
happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

"My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "Are you sure? Why
would she do such a thing?"

The man then pleads, "I don't know why, but I'm telling you, I'm
certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"

The Rabbi thinks a bit, then says, "Tell you what. Let me talk to
her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke with
your wife. I called her and we talked on the phone for 5 hours.
You want my advice?"

"Yes, yes, of course." said the man.

The Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."