Monday, April 30, 2007

[nilesfunnies] Joke(ish)

What's the difference between Michael Howard and Ken Livingstone?

One has something of the night about him, the other has something of the
newt about him!

Niles, Nottingham |
ICQ UIN 12724766 | We're not heroes!

| We're from Finchley! |

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Monkey

A police officer came upon a terrible car crash where two people had
been killed. As he looked at the wreckage a little monkey came out of
the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at
the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and nodded his head.

"You can understand what I'm saying?"asked the officer.

Again, the monkey nodded.

"Well, did you see what happened?"

The monkey nodded. He pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it
up to his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.

The monkey nodded. The monkey then pinched his fingers together and held
them to his mouth, sucking deeply.

"'They were smoking marijuana too?" asked the officer.

The monkey nodded. He made a sexual sign with his fingers

"So they were playing around as well!?" asked the astounded officer.

Again, the monkey nodded.

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smokiing and playing
around before they wrecked the car?"

The monkey nodded.

"What were you doing during all this?" asked the officer.

The monkey held up his hands on an imaginary steering wheel.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Two guys

Two guys

Two guys are drinking in a bar.

One says, "Did you know that lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"

"BUGGER!" says his friend. "I've just joined Rotary."

Saturday, April 21, 2007

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Musician humour

Musician humour
Some of this may be a tad esoteric...

What do you call a drummer who doesn't have a girlfriend?

What did the deadhead say when he ran out of pot?
Oh wow, this band really does suck.

What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians?
A lead singer.

What do you do when a musician knocks on your door?
Give him the money and take the pizza.

What's the definition of a gentleman?
Someone who knows how to play the trombone, but chooses not to.

What does it mean when a guitar player is drooling out of both sides
of his mouth?
The stage is level.

What's the difference between a clarinet and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a clarinet.

How many producers does it take to change a lightbulb?
I don't know, what do you think?

What do bass players use for birth control?
Their personality.

How do you get two piccolo players to play a perfect unison?
Shoot one.

What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.

Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped zones.

What is "perfect pitch?"
When you lob a clarinet into a toilet without hitting the rim.

What's the definition of a nerd?
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?
You can tune a lawn mower.

How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David
Sanborn would have done it.

How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb, and the other four to tell him how much
better they could have done it.

How do you make a trombone sound like a French Horn?
Stick your hand in the bell and play the wrong notes.

What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a
dead country singer in the road?
The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.

How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?
Take the Dominos Pizza sign off the roof.

What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
"Year At A Glance."

What's the range of a tuba?
About twenty yards, if you have a good arm.

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.

What did the timpanist get on his IQ test?

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They have machines to do that now.

"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: At the Doctors

I said "Doctor, I keep seeing, Micky Mouse, Goofy and the 101

He said,

"Tell me squiffy, how long have you been having these Disney spells?"

[nilesfunnies] Fw: and at the next election David Cameron is planning to have minimal text in

and at the next election David Cameron is planning to have minimal text
in the manifesto but loads of photos of candidates and their children
and happy home life. It's a case of every picture sells a tory.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: I remember at the very first (and best) Amnesty International benefit gig,

I remember at the very first (and best) Amnesty International benefit
gig, /The/ /Secret/ /Policeman's/ /Ball/ - way back in 1979 - Clive James
read out a number of comical telegrams from famous people who supposedly
couldn't make it. One of whom was Mozart, whose telegram read: "Best
wishes for your brave attempt to help the victims of oppression. Best
wishes. Best wishes. Brave attempt. Victims of oppression. Brave
attempt. Best wishes. Best wishes. To help the victims of oppression.
Best wishes. Brave attempt. The victims of oppression. To help. Brave
attempt." or some such.

Only about half the crowd got it. 8=)

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Not bad :)

My favourite one is about the band playing in a club one night. The
lead singer is thinking "The room's really humming tonight! That slow
one went down well; make that the second encore. Great acoustic here
too." The guitarist is thinking "That woman in the second row is giving
me the eye; wouldn't mind see her later! They loved that solo." The
drummer's thinking "This is faster than we practised, but they're doing
really well. We could move that new one up the set list a bit.." And
the bass player's thinking "A. A. D. D. A. D. E. E..."

[nilesfunnies] Appraisal

Part 1 of 4: These Are Taken From Real Resumes & Cover Letters And Were,
Printed In The July 21, 1998, Issue Of Fortune Magazine:

1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.

2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms.

3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.

4. Wholly responsible for two(2) failed financial institutions.

5. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave

6. failed bar exam with relatively high grades

7. It's best for employers that I not work with people

8. Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience.

9. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.

10. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.

11. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

12. Marital status: single: Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No

13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.

14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to
respond to
my resume on my office voice mail.

15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and
absolutely nothing.

16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in
meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.

18. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

19. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.

20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.

21. Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have
quit a job.

22. Marital status: often. Children: various

23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to
by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions.

24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous

25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.

26. References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

Part 2 of 4: These Quotes Were Taken From Actual Performance

1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has
to dig.

2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

3. I would not allow this employee to breed.

4. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definitely won't be.

5. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in
a trap.

6. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change
foot was previously there.

7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

8. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

9. He sets low personal goals and then consistently fails to achieve them.

10. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

11. This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.

Part 3 of 4: These Are Actual Lines From Military Performance Appraisals
OERs (Officers Efficiency Reports):

1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

3. A room temperature IQ.

4. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all

5. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

6. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

7. A prime candidate for natural deselection.

8. Bright as Alaska in December.

9. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.

10. Donated his body to science before he was done using it.

11. Fell out of the family tree.

12. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

13. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

14. He is so dense, light bends around him.

15. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

16. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

17. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.

18. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

19. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

20. One neuron short of a synapse.

21. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

22. Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

23. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Part 4 of 4: From The Year-End Performance Reviews:

1. He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.

2. I would like to go hunting with him sometime.

3. He has been working with glue too much.

4. He would argue with a signpost.

5. He has a knack of making strangers immediately.

6. He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves a room.

7. He and the CEO have something in common. They've both gone as far
as they can in this company.

8. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.

Friday, April 20, 2007

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Dear Auntie

Today's thought
"If atheism is a faith then not playing chess is a hobby."

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Chuckle

--Go to

--Click on Maps.

--Click on get Directions.

--From New York ,New York

--To Paris, France.

--And read line no. 24.

If you don't laugh, you're having a really bad day. I hope it gets

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: A Story of Manchester past.

Friedrich Engels lived in Manchester with his lover Mary Burns; his
house backed onto the famous Manchester Ship Canal. In those days the
canal was quite a pleasant spot, with grassy banks, fish and other
wildlife including river birds in addition to the river traffic for
which it had been built and the river folk who worked it. In other words
there were many benefits to such a location, but also a few drawbacks;
for example, some of the birds attracted to the canal had a habit of
nesting in Engels's loft.

Engels was expecting Karl Marx to visit him in Manchester; Marx wanted
to get away from the noise and smoke of London and the busy routines of
family life in order to concentrate on writing Das Kapital. The night
before Marx was due to arrive, the Engels household had accommodated a
rather rowdy party to which a number of the barge crews had been
invited; as was usual among travelling folk, they came with a variety of
musical instruments including several country fiddles, and made music
until the small hours. They all crashed out on the bedroom floors, and
to make room for so many bodies, Engels told them to stow their
instruments in the loft.

Marx arrived early next morning in a filthy temper. He'd been travelling
all night in low company, had a splitting headache, and was not best
pleased to find Engels's house strewn with unfamiliar sleeping bodies.
He demanded a large pot of tea, so Engels went off to draw water for the
kettle from the tap. But water came there none. Instead, there was a
terrible knocking, flapping, and scraping in the loft, where the water
tank was located. Mary rushed upstairs to investigate.

"Well, Mary," asked Engels, "what's the matter? Has the water been cut off?"

"No, dear," Mary replied, "it's the violins and herons in the cistern.


[nilesfunnies] School Walk

Mongo is a little Zambian Orphan who walks 5 miles to school each day.

With your donation of just £1 a month we can buy
a whip and make the lazy little bastard run.