Part 1 of 4: These Are Taken From Real Resumes & Cover Letters And Were,
Printed In The July 21, 1998, Issue Of Fortune Magazine:
1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms.
3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
4. Wholly responsible for two(2) failed financial institutions.
5. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave
6. failed bar exam with relatively high grades
7. It's best for employers that I not work with people
8. Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience.
9. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
10. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
11. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
12. Marital status: single: Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No
commitments
13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to
respond to
my resume on my office voice mail.
15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and
absolutely nothing.
16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in
meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
18. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
19. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
21. Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have
never
quit a job.
22. Marital status: often. Children: various
23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to
work
by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions.
24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous
employers.
25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.
26. References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me.
Part 2 of 4: These Quotes Were Taken From Actual Performance
Evaluations:
1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has
started
to dig.
2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
3. I would not allow this employee to breed.
4. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definitely won't be.
5. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in
a trap.
6. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change
whichever
foot was previously there.
7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
8. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
9. He sets low personal goals and then consistently fails to achieve them.
10. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
11. This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
Part 3 of 4: These Are Actual Lines From Military Performance Appraisals
Or
OERs (Officers Efficiency Reports):
1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
3. A room temperature IQ.
4. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
together.
5. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
6. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
7. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
8. Bright as Alaska in December.
9. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
10. Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
11. Fell out of the family tree.
12. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
13. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
14. He is so dense, light bends around him.
15. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
16. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
17. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
18. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
19. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
20. One neuron short of a synapse.
21. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
22. Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
23. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Part 4 of 4: From The Year-End Performance Reviews:
1. He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.
2. I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
3. He has been working with glue too much.
4. He would argue with a signpost.
5. He has a knack of making strangers immediately.
6. He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves a room.
7. He and the CEO have something in common. They've both gone as far
as they can in this company.
8. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
