Wednesday, May 30, 2007

[nilesfunnies] Fw: American Tourist

American Tourist

An American tourist had visited all the usual sights. He'd seen the
Sydney Harbor and everything else but he wanted to see the real
Australia. So there he was on the weekly rail motor out to Thargomindah.
There wasn't much to see. There was a drought on it was hot and the wind
was blowing dust everywhere.

He got off the train and made for the pub, sweating and cursing as he
swatted in vain at the clouds of files that buzzed around him.

The pub's only customer, a bloke in a blue singlet, greeted him with a

The American ordered a beer.

"Yank eh?" quizzed the Aussie.

"Sure am buddy," the Yank replied.

"Waddya think of this part of Australia, yank?" the bloke asked.

"It's the goddamn asshole of the world," the Yank replied.

There was a five second pause as the local sucked on his smoke. Then he
asked: "You just passing through?"

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

[nilesfunnies] Fw: SENIORS' Prenuptial Agreement

SENIORS' Prenuptial Agreement

An elderly couple in their 80's were about to get married.

She said: I want to keep my house.

He said: That's fine with me.

She said: And I want to keep my Cadillac.

He said: That's fine with me.

She said: And I want to have sex 6 times a week.

He said: That's fine with me . . . put me down for Friday.

---- End Forwarded Message ----

Friday, May 25, 2007

[nilesfunnies] Fw: eBay feedback

eBay feedback
Not exactly a joke, but I thought it was quite amusing; maybe less so if
you don't know how boring normal eBay feedback is

Monday, May 21, 2007

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Variation on theme.

Variation on theme.
I think my wife is cheating on me. I am a working musician and, as
you would expect, travel a lot. I have been noticing strange things
happening when I get home. Her mobile phone rings and she steps outside
to answer it, or she says, "I'll call you back later." When I ask her
who called she gets evasive. Sometimes she goes out with friends but
comes home late,getting dropped off around the corner and walking the
rest of the way. I once picked up the extension while she was on the
phone and she got very angry.

A friend of mine plays bass in another band. He told me that my wife and
some guy have been to his gigs. He wanted to borrow my bass amp. That's
when I got the idea to find out for myself what was really happening. I
said "sure, you can use my amp but I want to hide behind it at the gig
and see if she comes into the venue and who she comes in with." He agreed.

Saturday night came and I slipped behind my Ampeg SVT 8 x 10 rig to
get a good view. I could feel the heat coming off the back of the
amp. It was at that moment, crouching down behind the amp, that I
noticed one of the valves was not glowing as bright as the others. Is
this something I can fix myself or do I need to take it to a technician?


Sunday, May 20, 2007

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Mother and daughter threesome

I went clubbing last night - well, not me specifically..

Met a lady a couple of years younger than me, maybe late 60s, but still
very attractive.

We laughed and talked and drank.

We drank and talked and laughed some more.

Then she asked me a question just about every man has fantasized about:
she asked if I had ever indulged in a mother and daughter threesome!
When I recovered my wits and replied "no", she said this was my lucky

Wow! It was one of those dreams come true!

I drove her back to her house, and she unlocked the door and led me
inside. My heart was pounding. Then she shouted up the stairs, "Mum, are
you still awake?"

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

[nilesfunnies] Fw: pie


I baked a meat pie the other day and then travelled with it to Milton
Keynes, Birmingham and Lambeth, because my old maths teacher always used
to tell me to take pie to three dismal places

[nilesfunnies] Fw: A nice little racist joke - but not in the way that you think...

A nice little racist joke - but not in the way that you think...
An Englishman, Welshman and West Indian are in hospital, waiting for
their wives to give birth. There is quite a bit of pacing up and down
when the nurse comes out and happily announces that they are all fathers
of bouncing baby boys.

"There's just one problem" she says. "Because they were all born at the
same time we got the tags mixed up and we don't know which baby belongs
to whom. Would you, as their fathers, mind coming to identify them?" The
men agree and walk into the delivery room and look at the babies.

Immediately the Englishman stoops down and picks up the black baby.

"Yes, this is definitely my baby" he says confidently.

"Um, excuse me" says the West Indian "but I think it's fairly obvious
that this is my son"

The Englishman pulls him aside and says "I see where you're coming from,
mate, but one of these babies is Welsh and I'm not prepared to take the

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Dolly Parton meets the Queen, the Queen on noticing Dolly's very small

Dolly Parton meets the Queen, the Queen on noticing Dolly's very small
feet says
"My word don't you have very small feet"

"Nothing grows well in the shade"

[nilesfunnies] Fw: BLONDE LOGIC

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench
talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is
farther away... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you
see Florida ?????"

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells
the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks
her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your
act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you
expect me to show it to you!"

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river
and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts,
"How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river
and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE - my personal favourite!
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office
and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder
and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She
pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere
she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on
the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the
blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights
and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn
and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one
day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first
on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and
shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn
up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you
know. We're going at night!"

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was
her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her
question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can
you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired
two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded
by saying that one was named
Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever
heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch

---- End Forwarded Message ----

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Did you hear about the Buddhist who was sick after going to

Did you hear about the Buddhist who was sick after going to
an Indian restaurant?

Bad korma.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Samaritans

I've been working at the Samaritans for a couple of months now.

I tried to phone in sick yesterday, but they managed to talk me out of

Monday, May 07, 2007

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Night out.

Night out.

This guy goes out with his buddies for a night on the town and they cap
off the festivities by going to a house of ill repute.

A week later, the guy visits his doctor complaining of a large green
lump on the end of his penis.

The doctor does a thorough exam, then pulls down a weighty medical book
and flicks through it till he finds what he's looking for. He looks up
and says, "I'm afraid this is serious. We'll have to operate!"

"Operate?", exclaims the fellow, "Why, Doc? What's the problem?"

"Well, you know how boxers can get a cauliflower ear? You've developed
the same sort of thing. You've got a brothel sprout."

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Titanic

Back in 1912, Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured here in England. The
Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery
in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the
great ship after New York City.

The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate
at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning
on 5th May, which they still observe today. It is known, of course, as
Sinko de Mayo.