Friday, June 22, 2007

[nilesfunnies] Fw: I was thinking of a limerick about someone who played a cadenza...

When playing a cadenza in A
The pianist quite lost his way
Coming back via China
F sharp, B flat minor
And stations from Slough on the way

[nilesfunnies] [Fwd: Fw: Dream]

"I had the strangest dream last night," a young Jewish man was telling
his Jewish psychiatrist. "I saw my mother, but when she turned around to
look at me, I noticed that she had your face. And you can imagine, I
found this very disturbing. In fact, I woke up immediately and couldn't
get back to sleep. I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come.
Then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my
appointment. I thought you could help me explain the meaning of this
strange dream?"

The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding: "A
Coke? This is a breakfast by you?"

Monday, June 18, 2007

[nilesfunnies] Poof, paki & irishman

Did you hear the one about the Poof, the Paki and the Irishman?

They all went to Bernard Manning's funeral.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: Fw: Council Tax

**Council Tax**

Council tax re-valuers want to charge us more if we live in a nice area.
That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas.

We have a huge council house in our street. The extended family is run
by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs.

Her car isn't taxed or insured, and doesn't even have a number plate,
but the police still do not do anything.

Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with racist

A local shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his
son's girlfriend but nothing has been proved yet.

All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone
thought was gay.

Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always seen out in

The family's odd antics are always in the papers.

They are out of control.

Who'd want to live near Windsor Castle?

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Lingerie

Walking into a lingerie shop, a customer says to the assistant,
"I'd like to buy a pair of stockings for my wife."

The assistant asks, "Sheer?"

The man replies "No. She's in Tescos."

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Bondage

A Wisconsin trapper came to town to buy a case of soft drinks and a copy
of "Of Human Bondage." He left both on a table in a lunchroom and
wandered about for a while. When he came back, the book had disappeared.
"You having some trouble?" asked the proprietor. "I sure am," answered
the trapper. "I've found my pop but I've lost my Maugham!"

Thursday, June 07, 2007

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Dave the hen!

Dave the hen!

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as
he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed
wearing a long flowing white Robe.

"Who the hell are you?" demanded Dave, "and what are you doing in my

The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter."

Dave was stunned "You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be, I have so much to
live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . you've got to send me
back straight away."

St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We
can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was
covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling
welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how
are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Dave, "but I have this strange feeling inside
like I'm about to explode."

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before?"

"Never!" replies Dave.

"Well just relax and let it happen"

So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out
from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his
emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the
first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that
ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife

"Dave, wake up you drunken bastard, you've shit the bed.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Accident


On the way to work this morning I noticed that the car in front appeared
to have no driver. Because I was distracted by this I didn't notice the
car braking suddenly and I crashed into the back of it.

When the driver got out I realised why I didn't see him in the car - he
was a dwarf.

He came over to my car, banged on my window and said: "I'm not happy!"

I said: "Well, which one are you then?"

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Civil service job

Civil service job

A guy goes to the Civil Service to apply for a job. The interviewer
asks him, "Have you been in the service?

"Yes," he says. "I was in Afghanistan for three years"
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my
testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The
hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in
at 10:00 A.M."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00
P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M."

"This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two
hours we sit around scratching our point in you coming
in for that"

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Just married

Just married
A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The
husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on
the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."
"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25
different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries:
Germany , Holland , Japan , India , etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing
that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the know...they have frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife
interrupted him by saying,
"You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen
that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll,
but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really
delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"
You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the
oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: hicken
wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
"But my sweet honey... at the bar... you know...there's
swearing, dirty words and all that..."
"You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your fucking beer
in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherfucking snacks,
because you are
Married now, and you aren't fucking going anywhere! Got
it, Asshole?" ........and, they lived happily ever after.
Now, isn't that a sweet story?

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