Friday, July 27, 2007

[nilesfunnies] Fw: KKK

The Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this
congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This
is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I
am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party
who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me
and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in
your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop
traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice
quivered as she spoke.

"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you
were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends
that you were a wizard under the sheets. . . . . . . ."

Thursday, July 26, 2007

[nilesfunnies] f/th

"I went to the Doctor and said ' Doctor I having trouble saying my "th"s
and "f"s' And the Doctor said 'Well, you can't say fairer than that

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Harry Potter

Harry Potter
Just finished the Harry Potter book. Found it a bit far fetched... Flying cars and magic - OK, but a ginger kid with 2 friends? Come on...

[nilesfunnies] Fw: From the mouths of babes ...

After buying her kids a pet hamster, after they PROMISED they would
take care of it, Mum, as usual, ended up with the responsibility.

One evening, exasperated, she asked them, "How many times do you
think that hamster would have died if I hadn't looked after it?"

After a moment, her youngest son replied quizzically, "Once?"

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Vet Bills

While waiting at the vet's surgery, I overheard two women
chatting about their dogs.

"What's your dog's name?" asked the first woman.

"Well, we used to call her Pork Chop," answered the second lady. "But
after the last bills we had for her, we now call her Filet Mignon."

Friday, July 13, 2007

[nilesfunnies] [Fwd: Thought for the day....]

8 foreign doctors, 3 bombs, no deaths.

Harold Shipman, 1 doctor, 1 syringe, 300 dead.

Makes you proud to be British!

[nilesfunnies] [Fwd: Fw: Milk]

There once was a poor shepherd named Yorgi. The only food he had to
sustain himself on was the milk he got from the sheep, and it tasted
so bad that he could barely drink it. As a result, Yorgi became thin
and sickly.

One day, he met his friend Vladimir. Vladimir was a poor shepherd
like himself, but he was hearty and healthy.

Vladimir told him that he had to live on sheep's milk too, but he let
him on a secret: a witch in a nearby village taught him a magic spell
that makes sheep's milk taste as sweet as the richest cream.

Yorgi begged Vladimir to teach him the spell, which his friend did

Sure enough, Yorgi's sheep produced the most delicious milk he ever
tasted. Yorgi loved it so much, that he drank it by the litre. He
milked his sheep so much that they cried out in pain.

Yorgi realised that he couldn't make his sheep suffer like that, so
he reversed the spell and resigned himself to drinking normal sheep's

Now, there's no ewes crying over spelled milk

[nilesfunnies] Fw: There's no fuel like an old fuel joke

There's no fuel like an old fuel joke
One day, Mr. Caterpillar decided to hitch a ride to town.

As he was standing by the roadside, a family of bees came by in a little
car and offered him a ride. Gratefully, he accepted. After putting along
merrily for a few kilometers, the engine sputtered, and the car rolled
to a halt. Without saying a word, Papa Bee alighted and urinated into
the fuel intake. When he turned the starter, the engine started up, much
to Mr Caterpillar's amazement!? However, he did not say a word.

The car went on for quite some distance before the engine died again.
This time, it was Mother Bee who urinated into the fuel intake, and
again,the car started up after that. The process was then repeated again
for Baby Bee.

By the time the engine died for the fourth time, the little car was only
a few kilometers from town. Not wanting to appear unsophisticated, Mr
Caterpillar got out of the car without a word, and started opening the
fuel cap? In a flash, Papa Bee got out of the car.

"What are you doing?" asked Papa Bee.

"I'm going to piss in the fuel intake, just like you did", said Mr

"Oh, no", said Papa Bee patiently, "you can't do that. This car only
runs on Bee Pee".

[nilesfunnies] [Fwd: Suffolk]

What's the difference between Mr Kipling and the Ipswich Ripper?

Mr Kipling puts 6 tarts in a box

Monday, July 09, 2007

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Restaurant

So there I was with a group of friends, at the local curry house when the manager came to our table.

"Curry OK?" he said.

"Just one song if you must," I said, "then leave us to enjoy our meal,
there's a good chap."

Thursday, July 05, 2007

[nilesfunnies] Fw: First Day of Psychiatry Class

First Day of Psychiatry Class

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on
emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the
professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," she said.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "How about the
opposite of woe?"

To which the Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."