Wednesday, August 29, 2007

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: You may be a nurse if.....

-You believe that every patient needs TLC...Temazepam, Lorazepam and
-You would like to meet the inventor of the nurse buzzer system some
night in a dark alley.
-You believe not all patients are annoying, some are unconscious.
-Your sense of humour gets more warped each year.
-Your kids get their presents in TED stockings and NHS pillowcases.
-And their presents are wrapped with Transpore tape.
-You know the phone number of every late night food delivery place by heart.
-Almost everything can seem funny ... eventually.
-When asked by the doctor what colour that patient's diarrhoea was,
you show them your shoes.
-If they missed your shoes, you use the well-known "poo curry colour
scale" ranging from chicken korma to spinach vindaloo.
-You can identify different causes of diarrhoea by the smell of it.
-Every time you walk you make a jingling noise because of all the
keys, scissors and clamps in your pocket.
-You can tell the pharmacist more about the medication they are
dispensing than they know.
-You use bladder lavage bags to drip water onto your plants when
you're on holiday.
-You refuse to watch Casualty because its too much like the real
thing and it triggers flashbacks or...your family refuse to let you
watch Casualty because you spend the whole time correcting everyone
and pointing out upside down X-rays.
-You avoid answering the phone on your day off in case anyone from
the hospital is trying to call and beg you to work.
-You've been telling stories in a restaurant and made someone at
another table throw up.
-You notice that you are using even more 4 letter words than you did
before you started nursing.
-You've seriously considered catheterising your children before a
long car journey.
-Every time someone asks you for a pen you can find at least 4 of
them on you. Most of them have the names of laxatives on them.
-You don't get excited about blood; unless it's your own.
-You live by the motto "to be right is only half the battle, to
convince the doctor is more difficult"
-You've basted your Christmas turkey with a 50ml syringe.
-You've told a confused patient that your name was that of your
co-worker and to shout if they need help.
-Eating crisps out of a clean sick-bowl is perfectly normal.
-Your bladder can expand to the size of a Winnebago's water tank.
-When checking the level of a patient's orientation you aren't sure
of the day yourself. Or if nightshift, the month.
-You find yourself checking out other customers' veins in supermarket queues.
-You can sleep soundly at the hospital cafeteria table on your dinner
break and are not be embarrassed when you wake up.
-You avoid unhealthy looking people in the shopping centre for fear
that they will drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.
-You throw a farewell buffet for a co-worker and use a bed sheet for
a tablecloth and bedpans to hold the nachos.
-You often stay awake for 24+ hrs at a time when you work nights and
realise you don't need alcohol or drugs to hallucinate just lack of sleep...
-You pull over in a layby after working nights because you are too
tired to drive home, and wake up to someone knocking on your window
thinking you've had a stroke because you're passed out in your car drooling.
-Your finger has gone into places you never thought possible.
-You've seen more penises than any prostitute.
-You've sworn to have "Do Not Resuscitate" tattooed on your chest.
-If you are not a nurse then this should help you understand our
mindset and questionable mental state!

Sunday, August 26, 2007

[nilesfunnies] Fw: The landlord was sat alone in his bar late one night,

The landlord was sat alone in his bar late one night,

The landlord was sat alone in his bar late one night, all his customers
had gone after he'd called time, when suddenly the ethereal spirit of a
large tail-less dog appeared before him.

'What to do you want?' Asked the landlord.

'Freedom from my pain of having no tail,' growled the ghostly canine,
and for which I wander these spirit paths in search of a kindly soul
that can make me whole once more.'

'I'm sorry, Fido. You're out of luck.' Said the landlord. 'As I ain't
licensed to re-tail spirits at this time of night.'

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: Card

Drinks: 20 euro

Tapas for four: 50 euro

Getting all-expense paid trips round the world simply by leaving your
kids behind with the doors and windows open:


There are some things money can't buy. For everything else, there's

Thursday, August 16, 2007

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Out of the mouths of ...

Out of the mouths of ...

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.

"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods
with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big
kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy
take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an
interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny
started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy
started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when
Daddy was in the Army."

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Boom Boom

Boom Boom
A: "I got a job at the bowling alley.."
B: "tenpin?"
A: "no, it's full time.."

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

[nilesfunnies] frappe frappe

frappe, frappe!
qui est la?
lost qui?
oui, I've lost my key, that's why I'm knocking on the door!

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: South vs North

Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles refinery.

A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the same
qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions.

The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest but
we've decided to give the Yankee the job."

Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine
questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy I
should get the job!"

The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct
answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed."

Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better
than the other?"

The manager replied: "Bubba, it's like this... on question #4, the
Yankee put down, "I don't know" And you put down, "Neither do I.""