Friday, October 26, 2007

[nilesfunnies] computer help desk


Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...


Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still
on my desk.. sorry....


Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?


Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and.
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.


Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every
time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer
and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he
can't find it...

============== =

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah................... thank you.


Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies.


Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there
another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah... that one does work...


Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a
capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?

== =============

Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.


Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer.


Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on
my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.


Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get
the circle around it?


A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his
printer is working fine."


And last but not least...

Tech support: "Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at
the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the
screen. Now type the letter "P " to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P"..... on your keyboard, Colin.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Life in the Australian Army...

Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. For those of
you not in the know, Eromanga is a smalltown west of Quilpie in the far
south west of Queensland and you can see it here -

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that
the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody
quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling
down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I
like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed
and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no
calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though,
but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see
what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks
or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon
and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a
'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the
back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep
getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a
bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya
like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize
cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself
comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even
load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have
to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when
you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real
careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil
and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home
after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the
platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the
Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the
shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet,
but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before
word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,


Tuesday, October 23, 2007

[nilesfunnies] The Zookeeper's Dilemma

The Zookeeper's Dilemma

A zookeeper wanted to get some extra animals for his zoo, so he
decided to compose a letter. The only problem was that he didn't know
the plural of 'Mongoose'.

He started the letter: "To whom it may concern, I need two Mongeese."

No, that won't work, he thought and tried again: "To whom it may
concern, I need two Mongooses." Is that right?

Finally, he got an idea: "To whom it may concern, I need a Mongoose,
and while you're at it, send me another one too."

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Twins

The new father ran out of the labour ward and announced to the rest
of his family who were waiting for the news: "We had twins!"

The family was so excited they immediately asked, "Who do they look like?"

The father paused, smiled, and said, "Each other of course."

Friday, October 12, 2007

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Another wedding confession

Another wedding confession

Man to woman: "darling, I have a confession to make. I am obsessed with
golf. I have to play at least twice a week or I am not happy."

Wife replies: "Since you are being so honest I will tell you something
about myself. I am a hooker."

Man thinks about it for a while, then replies: "Have you thought about
changing your grip?"

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Diamonds

A businessman gets on a plane. Sitting next to him is an elegant
woman wearing the largest diamond ring he has ever seen, so he asks her
about it.

'This is the Klopman diamond,' she says. 'It is beautiful, but it's like the Hope diamond; there is a terrible curse that goes with it.' 'What's the curse?' the man asks.

'Mr Klopman'; she replies.

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: Giving up Wine

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly
dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of
dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you
this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need
to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS !' replied the homeless woman. ' I haven't had my hair
done in 20 years!'

'Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm
going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with
you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks
like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

Thursday, October 11, 2007

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: It's all in the way you look at it.....

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening
when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She
was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my
5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mum! That lady isn't wearing a
seat belt!"

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note
from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child
are not necessarily those of his parents."

A woman was trying hard to get the tomato sauce out of the bottle.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old
daughter to answer the phone.

"Mummy can't come to the phone to talk to you, because she's hitting
the bottle."

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's
locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with
ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched
in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen
a little boy before?"

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an primary school, I was
interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down
at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"

"Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.

"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is
that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her.

"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "Would you
please tie my shoelace?"

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was
barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you
got in there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy
looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said,
"What'd he do?"

While working for an organisation that delivers lunches to elderly
people, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age,
particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her
staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced
myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and
whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!&qu ot;

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw
her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear
that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you
a headache the next morning. "

While walking along the footpath in front of his church, our minister
heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead
blackbird. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had
secured a small box filled with cotton wool, then dug a hole and made
ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen
to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity i ntoned his
version of what he thought his father always said:

"Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes."

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just
wasting my time," she said to her mother.

"I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he
fingered through the old pages.

Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object
and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed
in between the pages.

"Mum, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's
voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."

Sunday, October 07, 2007

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Logo Creation

Saturday, October 06, 2007

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Style

Who stole the soap from the bathroom???


The robber ducky!

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Meat Free Jokes

Meat Free Jokes

Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush
your teeth. They're called Bristle sprouts.


What is small, red and whispers? A hoarse radish.


Old King Cole was very fond of cabbage. He sent out a decree that from
then on, whenever anyone ate cabbage, it must be shredded and mixed with
mayonnaise and bits of carrots. This became known as Cole's Law...


Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don't lose much weight, but from
a distance your friends think you look thinner.


Tuesday, October 02, 2007

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: 4 peolple in a rail carriage

4 people in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young
blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman.

It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark
there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from
the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red
mark on his cheek.

The old lady thinks "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the
dark and she slapped him"

The pretty young blonde thinks " I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle
me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him"

The Frenchman thinks "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the
dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me"

The Englishman thinks "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so
I can slap that French twat again"

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: About Eagles

Did you know that eagles mate for life?
Well one day Harry the eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling
of 10 glorious years.
After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her.
She had been shot.


Harry was devastated.

After about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself
another mate but since there weren't any lady eagles available
he'd have to cross the feather barrier. So he flew off to find a new mate.

He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest.

The sex was OK but all the dove would say is "I am a DOVE, I want to
love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!"

Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest
and flew off once more to find a mate.

He found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest.

Again the sex was great but all the loon would say is, "I am a LOON,
I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!"

So out with the loon.

Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous
duck and he brought the duck back to the nest.

Again the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.. ...........
... well, you know.. ........ ....

No, the duck didn't say THAT!!!!!

That's an awful thing to think!

Shame on you!

The duck said, "I am a DRAKE! You made a MISTAKE !

Monday, October 01, 2007

[nilesfunnies] Fw: GENUINE hotel translations

GENUINE hotel translations
My daughter stayed in a cheap hotel in Prague this weekend just gone and
wrote these bizarre translations down (from the room and restaurant).

Please remember the number of the tart and tell it to your waiter

Don't wrack the plates, hackle the tiff and when you're leaving open your sack and pay the charge

You can bet with our waiter. If you can handle his portion in 25 minutes
you won and we lost a piece of our cow