[nilesfunnies] New zealanders

Cue the New Zealanders joke.

Two New Zealanders on the way home after a visit to the UK a few years
ago. One, reading a paper on the plane, to the other, "Say, I am reading
here that they've made the last tin miners in Cornwall redundant." The
other, "Tin? I'd have thought there would have been more than that..."

[nilesfunnies] Fw: It's only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day

It's only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realise how often they burst into flames.

[nilesfunnies] Is it Christmas?

www.isitchristmas.com

[nilesfunnies] Fw: A complete Hodge Podge.

A complete Hodge Podge.

The current incarnation of Father Christmas - red coat, white beard etc comes from Coca Cola ads from the early part of the 20th c. and a story published about 1900, so he is remarkably recent. In Victorian England he had a Green Coat so is probably descended from Jack-in-the-Green.

The St. Nicholas story comes from 4th c. Turkey and the historical Saint
of that name who was supposed to have given gifts to the poor especially
at Christmas.

The leaving out a carrot and Mince Pies and getting presents comes from
Pagan Germany. Odin used to lead a great Yule hunt with the host of
valhalla. Children would leave out food for the horses and Odin would
leave small gifts to say thank you.

Coming down the chimney is from Scandinavia where at one time houses were built with smoke holes in the roof rather than chimneys and with the living area dug into the ground. In winter the doors were often buried in snow and so the only way in was via the smoke hole and a ladder.

The Reindeer is supposed to come from the Lapps who would sometimes be
reduced to eating Lichens in really bad winters. It is rumoured that if
you ate the wrong moss you could see reindeer fly.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Desert Island Discs

Desert Island Discs
Kirsty Young's next guest is Alistair Darling. However, the programme will be shorter than usual because he has lost four of the eight records

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: I've been asked...

I've been asked to DJ at the HMRC Xmas Party.

I wonder if my records will be safe?

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Old Jewish Man

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been
going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for long,
long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he
was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to
leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an
interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"

"Morris Fishbein," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray
for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children
to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a f-----n' wall."

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: London Lawyer

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Hartlepool copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the copper because he is a lawyer
from London and is certain that he has a better education then any
codheaded cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun
at the Hartlepool coppers expense!!

Hartlepool cop says," License and insurance, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Hartlepool cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Hartlepool cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop.
License and insurance, please."

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Hartlepool cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete
stop, that's the law. License and insurance, please!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between
slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and insurance, and you
give me the ticket... If not, you let me go and don't give me the
ticket."

Hartlepool cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Hartlepool cop takes out his
truncheon and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says,
"Now... do you want me to stop... or just slow down?"

[nilesfunnies] Macca

In an interview about his failed marriage Macca was asked if he would ever go down on one knee again.
He replied "I prefer it if you call her Heather".

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Cemetery

I went to the cemetery yesterday and there were 4 pallbearers walking
around with a coffin.

3 hours later they were still walking around with it.

I thought to myself :

 " These buggers have lost the plot"