[nilesfunnies] Fw: Down at the Gym

After a hard battle with endless food, drink and chocolates over
Christmas, I decided it was about time I went back to the gym.

They have got a new machine since I was last there a year ago.

I could only use it for an hour though, as I started to feel sick!

Its good though- it does EVERYTHING, . . . . . . . . . Mars bars, Kitkats, Snickers and Crisps!!!

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Learn from Animals

Learn from Animals

Christmas time can be fraught with danger when let loose amongst
relatives, so here are a few tips you can pick up from your tabby...

If in doubt - wash.
When someone wont get up in the morning - jump on their bed.
If you don't like what you hear - don't listen.
See how many christmas decorations you can knock off the tree.
Toy with your presents - before you tear them open.
If you love your presents - purr.
If you don't like them - sulk.
When you get bored with a party just curl up and go to sleep.
Insist on going out - then change your mind.
Act completely unimpressed with everything.
Be catty.
If anyone bothers you - hiss.
When someone has an allergy - sit on their lap.
Make sure everyone knows when you are hungry, but be choosy - they'll try harder to please you.
To get attention - sharpen your claws on someone's leg.
Stay out all night and don't say where -you've been.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Mrs. Malaprop said to her brood

Mrs. Malaprop said to her brood
During dinner, "You're terribly rude
For your manners are awful;
Don't swallow that jawful
Without masturbating your food."

[nilesfunnies] Fw: The Bright one was a lady in the version I heard, and it went on:

To her friends said the Bright one in chatter,
I have learned something new about matter:
My speed was so great,
Much increased was my weight,
Yet I didn't become any fatter.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Said the Duchess of Alba to Goya

Said the Duchess of Alba to Goya
Remember I am your employer
So he painted her twice
In a dress, looking nice
And again in the nude, to annoy her

"Of love" said a Gaucho named Bruno
There is one thing I do no
A woman is fine
A boy is divine
But a llama is numero uno

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: "It's true," confessed Jane, Lady Torres,

"It's true," confessed Jane, Lady Torres,
"That often I beg lifts in lorries.
When the men stop to piss
I see things that I miss
When I travel alone in my Morris."

When an upmarket hooker in Stow
Was approached by a dwarf for a blow,
She replied, "I have pride!
Your request is denied!
I could never, sir, stoop quite that low!"

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: Ipswich History

http://www.ipswich-underground.co.uk/

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Very good!

Santa's sleigh broke down on Christmas Eve. Flagging down a passing
motorist he said, "Please can you give me a hand with my sleigh?".
The motorist replied, "Sorry Santa but I'm not a mechanic, I'm a
chiropodist".
Santa said, "Well, can you give me a toe then?".

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Drunk & The Nun

Drunk & The Nun
There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really,
really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home.

As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he
stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.

Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything
he punched her again.

This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the
butt, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.

By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much, so then
he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and
said.........."Not so strong tonight, are you Batman?"

[nilesfunnies] Fw: NHS 3

NHS 3
Dr Foster went to Gloucester in a shower of rain He stepped in a puddle
right up to his middle and never went there again .

This resulted in major public debate.

The Press said it was outrageous that - given the fact that doctors were
paid around half a million pounds for a 30 hour week - Dr. Foster should
be put off by a mere soaking.

The politicians wanted to know why any doctors were going to Gloucester in the first place as it was an over-doctored middle class area unlikely to vote Labour at the next election.

The RCN said doctors weren't needed as nurses could do their job just as
well, they were holistically trained and would have no problem with
puddles as they could also walk on water.

The local nurse practitioners agreed that they would of course go to
Gloucester after doing the appropriate course.

The Social workers said that no one had considered how the puddle might
feel about being trodden into.

The managers decided to do a piece of work around rain and puddles.

The next time there was a problem in Gloucester it coincided with a large multidisciplinary stake holder conference and no one was available so NHS Direct advised calling the GP.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: If you go down to Sudan today,

If you go down to Sudan today,
You'd better not go unread.
It's good to teach in Sudan today
But safer to stay in bed.
For every mob that ever there was
Is calling out for vengeance because
The teacher has
A teddy bear called
Mohammed.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: NHS 2

Once upon a time it was resolved to have a boat race between a BUPA team
and a team representing the N.H.S. Both teams practised long and hard to
reach their peak performance. On the big day they were as ready as they
could be.

The BUPA team won by a mile.

Afterwards the N.H.S. team became very discouraged by the result and
morale sagged. Senior management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, and a working party was set up to investigate the problem and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was that the BUPA team had eight people rowing and one
person steering, whereas the N.H.S. team had eight people steering and one person rowing.

Senior management immediately hired a consultancy company to do a study on the team's structure. Thousands of pounds and several months later they concluded that: "Too many people were steering and not enough rowing."

To prevent losing to BUPA the next year, the team structure was changed to three "Assistant Steering Managers", three "Steering Managers", one
"Executive Steering Manager" and a "Director of Steering Services". A
performance and appraisal system was set up to give the person rowing the boat more incentive to work harder.

The next year BUPA won by two miles.

Following this, the N.H.S. laid off the rower for poor performance, sold
off all the paddles, cancelled all capital investment in new equipment,
and halted development of a new canoe. The money saved was used to fund
higher than average pay awards to senior management.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: I've always had a soft spot for:

The shades of night were falling fast
And the rain was falling faster
When through an alpine village passed
An alpine village pastor

Parody of Longfellow's, "Excelsior":
http://www.bartleby.com/102/62.html

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: Reckless Santa could cause yuletide chaos, warn experts at Out-Law.com

Santa Claus has been accused of putting his life and the lives of others
at risk through breaches of health and safety laws. Brandy-loving
present-giver Claus behaves recklessly and in direct contravention of UK
legislation, experts said.

Claus, also known as Father Christmas, delivers presents to the nation's
children by landing a sleigh on the roofs of houses and climbing down
chimneys to deliver sack-loads of gifts. He is understood to use letter
boxes for entry to houses without chimneys.

Health and safety law expert Fiona Clarke of Pinsent Masons, the law
firm behind OUT-LAW.COM, said that he could well be in breach of the law.

"Santa's yuletide operations clearly come within the Work at Height
Regulations 2005," said Clarke. "Working at height should be avoided
where possible, but if it is absolutely necessary then Santa should at
least make sure his sleigh has guard rails to prevent a fall and a fall
arrest system installed so that if he does fall he is protected."

Those whom Claus visits also have obligations though, warned Clarke.
"Householders should be aware of occupiers' liability – if Santa is
coming to your home then you have a duty to take reasonable steps to
make sure he is not injured," she said. "Make sure your roof is safe and
that the chimney is clear so that he doesn't injure himself on the way
down."

Concern has also been raised at Claus's brandy intake, which switches to
whisky in Scotland. Claus visits houses on a nine-reindeer sleigh which
flies through the air, despite the ingestion of a glass of spirits in
each of the UK's 25 million households in one evening.

"The alcohol restrictions are the same for every pilot whether you are
flying a light aircraft or a 747," a spokesman for the Civil Aviation
Authority (CAA) told OUT-LAW.COM. "It is 20 milligrams per 100
millilitres of blood, which is nothing, basically, a trace. One brandy
probably would put you over that limit."

"These are the rules for pilots in the UK, every country has its own and
Lapland may have different requirements," said the spokesman.

There are also flying height restrictions which Claus is in clear breach
of. Aircraft must not fly lower than 1,000 feet in major conurbations,
according to the CAA. Claus consistently does this as he flits from roof
to roof.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Canoeist

Canoeist

I see from the papers that the memory-loss canoeist is due to spend
Christmas behind bars.

Perhaps someone should send him a kayak with a file in it?

(http://liberalengland.blogspot.com/2007/12/canoeist-to-spend-christmas-behind-bars.html)

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: My Dad...

I took my dad to the shops the other day to buy some new shoes.
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The
teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red,
orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him
staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he
sarcastically asked,

'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your
life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not
choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.

And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

'Got drunk once and had s*x with a peacock. I was just wondering
if you were my son.'

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Remember to teen-proof your home this winter

Remember to teen-proof your home this winter
Saturday, December 8, 2007 2:32 PM CST

(Note: I wrote the following column by taking a squirrel removal service's advertisement and replacing the word "squirrel" with the word "teen." As the father of two teens, I can tell you it works surprisingly well.)

One of the most common teen removal services we provide is for teens in
the attic.

During certain times of the year, teens will enter homes by chewing their way into your house. Once inside, teens can cause significant damage to your home. Some of the most common forms of damage associated with teen infestation include shredded and damaged insulation, stains from urine and other waste matter, and a pungent odor throughout the home.Of course, the most serious danger of having teens in your home is a fire hazard. Teens are destructive by nature, and like all rodents they chew on wires. This can be avoided by having the teens removed from your home and then teen-proofing your house to make sure they don't return.

Teens across the area are constantly getting themselves into trouble. They are mischievous by nature, and fall down chimneys, get stuck in woodstoves and squeeze their way into places they shouldn't be. We have removed teens from just about every part of the house at one point in time.

"It sounded like a party in my attic!"

"We were unknowingly running a bed and breakfast for teens!"

If you've made comments like these, you're not alone. These are actual
testimonials from people who've had their sanity restored after using our teen removal service.

While many people think teens are adorable, clever little creatures,
homeowners know them to be destructive, dangerous, loud and annoyingly
persistent pests. Teens can cause significant damage now and leave your
home vulnerable to hazards later on.

Then there is that constant, nightly racket you have to endure. Once you
discover you have a teen infestation, call us immediately to discuss ways to get rid of them.

We will emphasize the importance of teen-proofing your home. Believe us
when we tell you that if you don't seal up the access points the teens
used to get into your house, you will have more teens return to your home!

In some cases, teens are using four or five holes in your roof to get
inside. All of these must be properly sealed to prevent their return, but ONLY after we're 100 percent sure there are no teens inside before we seal it. The last thing we want to do is trap a teen in the attic. We've heard cases where the teen will eat their way right into the living room in an effort to get out!

One question we often get is, "What do you do with the teens after you
remove them?"

Actually, the teens aren't removed; we just seal your house while they are away so that they cannot return. Once the teens realize they can't get back in, they will go look for a new dwelling. They are quite the
resourceful little creatures.

Our customer Jim R. put it best when he said, "The teens are gone, and so are the smells! Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

We thank you, Jim R., for your business. We wish all of our customers a
happy, teen-free winter!

Scott Beck of St. Charles is a Web page specialist for a health foundation in St. Louis. He writes a semimonthly column for the St. Charles Journal.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Christmas Wrapping

Christmas Wrapping
My wife asked me to help wrap Christmas presents this year, but I was
watching football and declined to help. She then informed me that if
I didn't help, I'd be in big, big trouble, so I helped.

However, she didn't tell me to put tags on them, so I think I may still
be in trouble anyway.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Son and Father

Son keeps asking father to borrow the car...

"Dad, dad, can I borrow the car.."

"Only if you do your bible studies, and cut your hair.."

After two weeks, son hasn't cut his hair...

"Dad, I don't need to cut my hair. I've been reading the bible and
everybody there has long hair, Jesus, Moses.."

Dad replies "Yes, but they walked everywhere.."

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Clean squid

What do you call a really clean squid?
An OCDopus.

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: Query

I bought a teddy today for £5, named him Mohammed
then sold him on for £10. Question is, have I made a prophet?

[nilesfunnies] Horrid!

http://www.kittywigs.com/wigindex.html

[nilesfunnies] How to make Coleslaw

How to make Coleslaw
by Emo Phillips.

1. Chop cabbage into large bowl.
2. Look for green peppers.
3. Drive to store.
4. Choose green peppers.
5. Carry them to cashier.
6. Drive home.
7. Find wallet.s
8. Drive to store.
9. Buy green peppers.
10. Drive home.
11. Chop green peppers into bowl.
12. Look for mayonnaise.
13. Drive to store.
14. Buy mayonnaise.
15. Drive home.
16. Mix mayonnaise into bowl.
17. Look for raisins.
18. Drive to store.
19. Buy stupid raisins.
20. Ignore stupid cashier's snickering.
21. Drive home.
22. Mix raisins into bowl.
23. Look for miserable lousy stupid carrots.
24. Drive to stupid lousy store.
25. Buy miserable stupid lousy carrots.
26. Call stupid miserable snickering cashier a Nazi.
27. Crawl to car.
28. Drive home.
29. Chop stupid damned miserable lousy carrots into damned stupid lousy
miserable bowl.
30. Look for finger.
31. Look harder for finger.
32. Look everywhere for finger.
33. See cat scurrying away.
34. Follow cat into new neighbor's house, surprising him in middle of drug
deal.
35. Dive over sofa to escape gunfire, landing on cat's tail, causing cat
to screech and jump up into new neighbor's face and claw his eyes as he's
bending over the sofa about to shoot you, enabling you to grab the gun
from his hand, enabling you to hold the gun on him until the cops arrive,
who then arrest him and drive you and the cat to the hospital where the
cat's stomach is pumped and your finger is found and sewn back on good as
new.
36. Collect reward of half of neighbor's property from drug auction, then
just buy all the delicious coleslaw you want from a nice deli.

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: An old friend of mine when drunk used to sing the 'posh persons' version

Indicate the way to my abode,
I'm fatigued and I wish to retire.
I had a little beverage an hour ago,
and it went right to my cranium.
No matter where I circulate,
on land or sea or agitated waters.
You will always hear me chanting this refrain:
Indicate the way to my abode.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Gift

A Methodist minister had a weakness for cherry brandy. (Strict methodists do not drink alcohol) One of his parishioners knew about the weakness and offered him a whole case of cherry brandy on the condition that the minister publicly acknowledge the gift at next Sunday's parish notices.

On the day, the minister stood up in front of the congregation and
announced that he "very much appreciated Mr Jones gift of fruit, and also the spirit in which it was given."