Thursday, January 24, 2008

[nilesfunnies] Ank Air

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Parent and Child Parking

Parent and Child Parking
I went to the supermarket today and I was in a bit of a rush, so I
parked in one of those parent and child spaces. I know I shouldn't but
you know, there were loads of spaces left and I needed some cat food and
a breadmaker really urgently.

As I got out I noticed a scowling mother (of no particular age) coming
towards me, obviously intent on ticking me off.

Quick as a flash I opened my boot and shouted "And you little buggers
better be good while I'm shopping, or you'll see the back of my hand!"

Saturday, January 19, 2008

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Two Dyslexics in a car

Two Dyslexics in a car
Can you smell petrol?
No, I can't even smell my own name..

Friday, January 18, 2008

[nilesfunnies] Latest

The latest USB accessory - direct from France.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: Reading for fun....

"A Frickin' Elephant"

Jake is 5 and learning to read. He points at a picture in a zoo book
and says, "Look Mama! It's a frickin' Elephant!"

Deep breath ... "What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!"

And so it does.

'A f r i c a n Elephant '

Hooked on phonics! Isn't it wonderful?

Monday, January 14, 2008

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: Fw: Golfing Nun

Golfing Nun

A nun walks into the Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a
chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was
the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We
try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented
golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your
day of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name
in vain today!!!

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell
me all about it!!

"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540
yard Par! 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the
drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's
flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a
bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't
make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom
what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and
runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathised Mother.

"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of
myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this
hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my
ball still clutched in his paws!!

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as
the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and
the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of
his paws and rolled to about 12 inches from the cup!"

The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her
chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

"You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"

Thursday, January 10, 2008

[nilesfunnies] Fw: King Arthur and all that

King Arthur and his brave knights invaded Spain, as you do. They had a
chivalric time riding around and singing songs from well known musicals,
and between them they managed to cover the whole country. In a post card
to Guinevere, Arthur shared some of the finer details: Lancelot enjoys his trips to the mountains but

<scroll down>

Gawain in Spain stays mainly in the plain


---- End Forwarded Message ----

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: Fw: BELIEVE it or not , These are REAL 911 Calls!

BELIEVE it or not , These are REAL 911 Calls!

Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown
house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham
and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen
table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had
taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired
of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have
an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two
minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.
Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble
Caller: Running from the Police.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: Should children witness childbirth?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The
house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl
to hold a torch high over her mummy so he could see while he helped
deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his
bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for
her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what
she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the
first place... smack his bum again!"

Monday, January 07, 2008

[nilesfunnies] Damned by faint praise

Damned by faint praise

Bush was scheduled to visit the Episcopal Church in NW
Washington as part of his campaign to restore his 28%
approval rating in the polls.

Karl Rove made a visit to the Bishop and said, "We've been
getting a lot of bad publicity because of the President's
position on stem cell research, the Iraq war, Hurricane
Katrina, and the VA Hospitals. But, we'll make a $500,000
contribution to your church if during your sermon
you will say that the President is a saint.

The Bishop thought it over for a few moments and finally
said, The Church could really use the money - I'll do it."

The following Sunday, President Bush showed up for the
sermon, and the Bishop began:

"I'd like to speak to all of you this morning about our
President, George Bush. He is a liar, a cheat, and a
low-intelligence weasel.

He took the tragedy of September 11 and used it to frighten
and manipulate the American people. He lied about weapons of
mass destruction and invaded Iraq for oil and money, causing
the deaths of hundreds of thousands and
making the United States the most hated nation on earth.

"He appointed cronies to positions of power and influence,
leading to widespread death and destruction during
Hurricane Katrina. He awarded contracts and tax cuts to his
rich friends so that we now have more poverty in this
country and a greater gap between rich and poor than
we've had since the Depression.

"He has headed the most corrupt, bribe-inducing political
party since Teapot Dome Scandal.

"The national surplus has turned into a staggering national
debt of 77.6 trillion dollars; gas prices are up 185%, which
the people of America cannot afford, and vital research
into global warming and stem cells is
stopped cold because he's afraid to lose votes from the
religious right.

"He is the worst example of a true Christian I've ever

"But compared to Dick Cheney, George W. Bush is a saint."

Friday, January 04, 2008

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Bloody awful !!

Doctors at the Royal Marsden Hospital yesterday announced that they had
finally found a cure for cancer.

Sit tight!