[nilesfunnies] Accurate astrology

I know many of you don't believe in astrology,
but that's because you read astrology written by charlatans. When written
by a master, astrology speaks with the voice of truth. :)

This was published about 20 years ago by The Paper House Ltd.

(Apologies to anyone who doesn't find this funny)

Capricorn
22 December - 19 January.
You are an upholder of tradition and authority. This is because you lack
imagination and creativity. You cannot take honest criticism. Not even
from your mother. Most prison warders are Capricorns.

Aquarius
20 January - 18 February.
You are an amiable person who likes to be popular. You need to be around
others because you cannot stand yourself. When alone, you do weird things
to your body. Sex change operations are common among Aquarians.

Pisces
19 February - 20 March.
You are a kind and gentle person. Your sensitive nature has given you the
reputation of being a pansy and a creep. Your lack of ambition is directly
related to your lack of talent. Pisces make good ushers.

Aries
21 March - 19 April.
You have great energy and are always enthusiastic. Your vivaciousness is
nauseating to others. You concentrate on future success to avoid
confronting your past and present failures. You have strong relationships
with people much younger than yourself.

Taurus
20 April - 20 May.
You are steadfast, even stubborn in your ways. People who know you well
describe you as a pighead. You enjoy music but the only thing you can play
is a radio. You are a communist.

Gemini
21 May - 20 June.
You are exuberant and enjoy expressing yourself. Your friends think of you
as a busy-body and a bore. You brag about your versatility but deep down
you know you can do nothing well. Most Geminis are unemployed.

Cancer
21 June - 22 July.
You are a very patient person. You can fall asleep waiting for things to
happen. You have a keen memory and often recite boring, obscure things to
your few friends. Cancers are easily influenced and many have actually
drowned when told to go jump in the lake.

Leo
23 July - 22 August.
You are a very proud and trusting person. Others are constantly taking
advantage of you. You do not realize what is happening to you because
basically you are very stupid. You are the laughing stock of any group.

Virgo
23 August - 22 September.
You are very methodical and like things in order. On the other hand, your
personal appearance is usually a mess. You think of yourself as
discriminating, while others think of you as cheap and selfish. You are
amoral.

Libra
23 September - 22 October.
You are very affectionate and sympathetic towards others. You enjoy
sobbing. You talk a great deal about justice, but no one trusts you. Most
Librans are alcoholics and dope fiends. People look at you with pity.

Scorpio
23 October - 21 November.
You are a very domineering and opinionated person. You do not care who you
step on to get to the top. You laugh during funerals. Most Scorpios are
shot in the back.

Sagittarius
22 November - 21 December.
You have a vivid imagination and are always trying new things. Your
friends think you are a pervert. Honesty is so important to you that you
even admit to doing incredibly dumb things. Nudists are almost always
Sagittarians.

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: You know you're Australian if -

1. You know the meaning of the word "girt".

2. You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.

3. You think it's normal to have a leader called Kevin.

4. You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount
vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse.

5. You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for
something illegal such as watering the garden.

6. You believe it is appropriate to put a rubber in your son's pencil
case when he first attends school.

7. When you hear that an American "roots for his team" you wonder how
often and with whom.

8. You understand that the phrase "a group of women wearing black
thongs" refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.

9. You pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin".

10. You pronounce Penrith as "Pen-riff".

11. You believe the "l" in the word "Australia" is optional.

12. You can translate: "Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way
to Maccas."

13. You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its
highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.

14. You call your best friend "a total bastard" but someone you
really, truly despise is just "a bit of a bastard".

15. You think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.
16. You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.

17. You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's
twice as big as its $2 coin.

18. You understand that "Wagga Wagga" can be abbreviated to "Wagga"
but "Woy Woy" can't be called "Woy".

19. You believe that cooked-down axle-grease makes a good breakfast spread.

20. You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they
stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.

21. Hamburger. Beetroot. Of course.

22. You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during
any rendition of the Angels' song Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again.

23. You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known
as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.

24. You still don't get why the "Labor" in "Australian Labor
Party" is not spelt with a "u".

25. You wear ugh boots outside the house.

26. You believe, as an article of faith, that every important
discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to
the Yanks for a pittance.

27. You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you
like them.

28. Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order
takeaway fluently in every Asian language.

29. You understand that "excuse me" can sound rude, while "scuse me"
is always polite.

30. You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.

31. You understand that "you" has a plural and that it's "youse".

32. You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.

33. Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules
for beach cricket.

34. You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what
they call "Anzac cookies".

35. You still think of Kylie as "that girl off Neighbours".

36. When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally
strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in
fruit.

37. You believe the phrase "smart casual" refers to a pair of black
tracky-daks, suitably laundered.

38. You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction.

39. When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel
the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.

40. You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national
anthem and then have trouble remembering the second.

41. You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed
essential in the government's new test for migrants.

42. You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says "cobber".

43. And you will immediately forward this list to other Australians,
here and overseas, realising that only they will understand.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Top ten signs the you might belong to the Taliban

Top ten signs the you might belong to the Taliban
This is very wicked:

10. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral
objection to beer.

9. You own a $300 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher,
but you can't afford shoes.

8. You have more wives than teeth.

7. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and
suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad
against.

5. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry
ammunition in your robe.

4. You've never been asked, 'Does this burka make my butt
look fat?'

3. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses
other than setting off roadside bombs.

2. You've never uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done
with your cave.'

And, the NUMBER ONE SIGN you might be a member of the
Taliban...

1. You wipe your arse with your bare hand, but consider
bacon unclean.

[nilesfunnies] Fw: At the Shopping Centre

At the Shopping Centre
Man approaches a young pretty woman and says

"excuse me lady, I have looked everywhere but can't find my wife. Do you
mind talking to me for a few seconds.."

Lady replies: "..sure, but how will that help?.."

Man: "It works every time. The minute I start talking to a pretty young
lady, she appears out of nowhere.."

[nilesfunnies] Fw: FRENCH TRADER WAS FORCED TO WORK 30 HOURS A WEEK

FRENCH TRADER WAS FORCED TO WORK 30 HOURS A WEEK
FRIENDS of rogue trader Jerome Kerviel last night blamed his $7 billion
losses on unbearable levels of stress brought on by a punishing 30 hour week.
Kerviel was known to start work as early as nine in the morning and still
be at his desk at five or even five-thirty, often with just an hour and a
half for lunch.

One colleague said: "He was, how you say, une workaholique. I have a
family and a mistress so I would leave the office at around 2pm at the
latest, if I wasn't on strike.

"But Jerome was tied to that desk. One day I came back to the office
at 3pm because I had forgotten my stupid little hat, and there he was, fast
asleep on the photocopier.

"At first I assumed he had been having sex with it, but then I
remembered he'd been working for almost six hours."

As the losses mounted, Kerviel tried to conceal his bad trades by covering
them with an intense red wine sauce, later switching to delicate pastry
horns.

At one point he managed to dispose of dozens of transactions by hiding them
inside vol-au-vent cases and staging a fake reception.

Last night a spokesman for Sócíété
Générálé denied that Kerviel was overworked, insisting he
lost the money after betting that the French were about to stop being rude,
lazy, arrogant b ** tards.
--------------------------------------------------------

---- End Forwarded Message ----

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Two Dyslexics in a car

Two Dyslexics in a car
Can you smell petrol?
No, I can't even smell my own name

[nilesfunnies] Fw: I once went on a car manufacturer's course with a mechanic from a garage

I once went on a car manufacturer's course with a mechanic from a garage somewhere in Scotland.
He reckoned they had a shield and motto above their workshop door.
The shield had crossed arms on it with a spanner in one hand and a condom in the other. The motto was 'If you can't fix it, f**k it.'