Saturday, April 26, 2008

[nilesfunnies] Fw: The Luck Of The Irish....

The Luck Of The Irish....
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to
the bird section where Gerry points and says to Paddy: "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help.

"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat
cage up dere," says Gerry.

The shop owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get
into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot
drop and says: "Dis looks like a grand place."

Then he takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each
shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all
the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes
his head and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too
fook'n dangerous for me!"

Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of
the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a
shotgun in the other.

"Hi, Paddy, watch dis," Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets it fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches amazed as, half way down, Seamus aims the gun and
shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits
the bottom and dies beside Gerry.

Paddy shakes his head and says firmly: "And I'm never trying dat
parrotshooting either!"

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two
friends when Sean appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a
cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean takes the chicken by its legs and then hurls himself
off the cliff only to fall down and down until he hits the
rocks and dies beside the others.

Once more Paddy shakes his head sadly:

"Fook dees extrame sports. Dere too dangerous.
First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping,
den Seamus parrotshooting... and now
Sean and his frg'n hengliding!"

Thursday, April 24, 2008

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: Grand Slam

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.

Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'

Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.

Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad says, 'So what were you watchin'?'

Billy says, ' Wimbledon ..'

Sunday, April 20, 2008

[nilesfunnies] Fw: The OGC and their new logo....

The OGC and their new logo....
According to -

"The Office of Government Commerce (OGC) is an office of HM Treasury,
responsible for improving value for money by driving up standards and
capability in procurement, from commodities buying to the delivery of
major capital projects, maximising the effective use of 60% of Government spending and a £30 billion property estate. "

It has just spent £100,000 on a new logo -

Unfortunately, when this was unveiled to OGC staff at an expensive jolly, it took some ten seconds for helpless laughter to break out - if you rotate the logo by 90 degrees clockwise, you will perhaps understand why.

It is still intended to introduce the new logo at the end of the month!

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Speight

Mark Speight has been found dead. He was splattered with blue paint,
covered in glitter and had crayons sticking out of his nose.

Police say he died of a massive ART ATTACK!

[nilesfunnies] Fw: There will be a Speight of them, no doubt...

The body of Mark Speight, the children's presenter, has been found.

Police are looking at the bigger picture of his death, sent in by Amy, 11 of Reading.

Friday, April 11, 2008

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Reminds me of one of Ronnie Scott's:

Leah Berg is Bennie Goldstein's secretary He's 75, and Leah has
worked for him for fifteen years. One day she comes to him in tears
"Mr Goldstein, I've done a terrible thing. My mother is very ill, and
I've been borrowing money from the company to pay for her treatment.
It's got to £4,000 now, and the auditors are in next week, and I don't
know what to do, and I thought I'd better tell you.."

Goldstein thinks. "Well, Miss Berg, I think it's a matter for the
police. But you've been a good secretary, so maybe we could come to
some arrangement. Come upstairs with me and we'll say no more."

Half an hour later, Goldstein gets out of bed. "It's no good, Miss
Berg. It'll have to be the police"

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: Fw: There's a no doubt apocryphal story about a notoriously absent-min

There's a no doubt apocryphal story about a notoriously absent-minded
Oxford don who moved to a new address in North Oxford. On the day of
the move his well-organised wife - knowing he would only get in the
way - insisted that he go off to work as usual.

By the evening he had inevitably forgotten he had moved. He remembered
when he got to his old, deserted house, but had no idea of his new

Luckily there was a small girl playing outside "Excuse me" he said,
"do you happen to know where the man who used to live here has moved

"42 Burleigh Road" said the girl.

"Thank you very much."

"That's all right, Dad."

Monday, April 07, 2008

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: The Chinese Doctor

The Chinese Doctor

While in China, Jon is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a
condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States,
he wakes in the morning to find his private covered with bright green
and purple spots.

Horrified, Jon immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never
having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells Jon
to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: 'I've got
bad news for you --- you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare
and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.'

Jon looks a little perplexed and says: 'Well, give me a shot or
something and fix me up, Doc.'

The doctor answers: 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to
have to amputate.'

Jon screams in horror, 'Absolutely not ! I want a second opinion.'

The doctor replies: 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but
surgery is your only choice.'

The next day, Jon seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll
know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines him and
proclaims: 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease.'

Jon says to the doctor: 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what
can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate!'

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs:

'Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that
way. No need to opelate!'

'Oh, Thank God!' Jon replies.

'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'You no worry! Wait two weeks.

Faw off by itself!

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: Fw: Question - How many Germans ...

(Best told in a comedy Klaus voice)

Question - How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer - One. Very efficient.