Thursday, August 21, 2008

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: LDC - Misc

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: FrenchFox <>
Date: 2008/8/21
Subject: LDC - Misc
To: undisclosed-recipients

These are actual writings from patients notes in various hospitals.< /i>

1. The patient refused an autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
very hot in bed last night.
5 Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day, the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to
be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated, and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15 Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life,
until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present
24. The pelvis exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

Monday, August 11, 2008

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: A True Scot

A Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to
the chemist.

The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton
bandanna, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square, which he also
unfolds to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it. He holds it up, and eyes it
critically. 'How much to repair it?' the Scot asks the pharmacist.

'Six pence,' says the pharmacist.

'How much for a new one?' 'Ten pence,' says the pharmacist.

The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton
bandanna, places it in his sporran and marches out the door of the
pharmacy, kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the pharmacist hears a great shout go up,
followed by an even greater shout.

The Scot walks back into the pharmacy, and again speaks to the
pharmacist. 'The regiment has taken a vote,' the Scot says. 'We'll
have a new one.'

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: Fw: Mental Health Issues

Mental Health Issues
A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have
improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.

The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided,
however, to interview him first.

"Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what
do you intend to do with your life?'

The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I
do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a
nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons
research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself
to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult
and stressful."

"Marvellous," said the head of the institution.

"Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be
said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of

"Absolutely," said the head.

"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on
science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my
experiences in this fine institution."

"An interesting possibility," said the head.

"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue
to be a teakettle."

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: frisbee

I was standing in the park, wondering why a frisbee gets bigger as it
gets closer. Then it hit me.

[nilesfunnies] William Penn

William Penn, the founder and mayor of Philadelphia, had two aunts:
Hattie and Sophia, who were skilled in the baking arts. "Big Bill" was
petitioned by the citizens of his town because the three bakeries in the
town had during the Revolution raised the price of pies to the point
that only the rich could afford them.

He turned to his aunts and asked their advice. The wonderful old ladies
were so incensed over this situation that they offered to bake 100 pies
and sell them for 2 cents lower that any of the bakeries were charging.

They were not only successful in bringing the price of pastry down in
Philadelphia, but they established an historical item for the reference

To this day, scholars still talk about the remarkable pie rates of
Penn's aunts.

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: Fw: HiFi

I bought some new headphones the other day. The left
one just went "Steak and kidney", while the right
one just went "Chicken and mushroom!"

That's the last time I buy anything from Pioneer.