tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-93598322009-03-17T18:37:15.835ZnilesfunniesNileshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03060945134872813307noreply@blogger.comBlogger1179125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9359832.post-9781503578255128732009-03-17T18:37:00.001Z2009-03-17T18:37:15.919Z[nilesfunnies] Mothering Sunday is upon usMothering Sunday is upon us<br><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fIJ4qK74IGY">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fIJ4qK74IGY</a><div class="blogger-post-footer">--
www.niles.org.uk/jokes<img width='1' height='1' src='http://res1.blogblog.com/tracker/9359832-978150357825512873?l=www.niles.org.uk%2Fjokes%2Findex.html'/></div>Nileshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03060945134872813307noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9359832.post-41752645734806991252009-03-13T09:55:00.001Z2009-03-13T09:55:53.297Z[nilesfunnies] Pick PocketI was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got<br>pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?<div class="blogger-post-footer">--
www.niles.org.uk/jokes<img width='1' height='1' src='http://res1.blogblog.com/tracker/9359832-4175264573480699125?l=www.niles.org.uk%2Fjokes%2Findex.html'/></div>Nileshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03060945134872813307noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9359832.post-85630021348698863172009-02-20T14:52:00.001Z2009-02-20T14:52:41.931Z[nilesfunnies] MarriedI must have been about nine at the time of the tragedy; a wiry, quiet lad,<br>much given to solitary walks and Uncle William's Banana-Flavour Toffee.<p>They were long, hot summers at Broadstairs in those days. A military band<br>played in the bandstand on the promenade, Uncle Mac performed his Minstrel<br>Show on the beach twice daily, and the 'Perseverance', smelling excitingly<br>of diesel oil fumes, took trippers for a sick round the bay.<p>All day was spent on the beach. I wore a bathing costume, bathing hat, and<br>plimsolls from dawn to dusk, wet or fine. The costume was my pride; the<br>acme of chic men's beachwear around the year 1929; the top half was like a<br>vest, with horizontal hoops of maroon, and - a design featurette - large<br>holes below the normal armholes. Then, working southwards, came an<br>imitation belt with a rusty buckle, and a navy-blue lower half complete<br>with a modesty skirt.<p>The bathing hat, which was worn at all times, was made of some intractable<br>black rubber, possibly from old tractor inner-tubes, about a quarter of an<br>inch thick. It had rubber ear-pieces welded on, into which the ears were<br>supposed to repose snugly. Because I had found the hat on the beach my<br>ears did not quite coincide and so not only was much agony endured but my<br>ears are now about half an inch farther forward than is normal.<p>I found myself attracted more and more to the pier end of the beach, where<br>the boats were moored. This now has a concrete slipway and a brass plate<br>reading 'Edward Heath Slipped Here' but in those days there was just a lot<br>of seaweed and a few moored dinghies gently banging into each other. What<br>with the seaweed and the toffee papers and the Choc-ice wrappers it was<br>not so much messing about in boats as boating about in mess.<p>Very soon the Dinghy Set had accepted me as a sort of mascot and I spent<br>all my time with them. Sometimes one of them would take me out for a sail<br>and let me lower the centre-board and do a bit of bailing, and I would run<br>all the way home, ten feet tall, freezing cold, with a soaking wet bottom.<p>They were all very much older than me. My particular hero was the group's<br>acknowledged leader, Guy Beauchamp, a middle-aged man of about twenty-two.<br>Most of the others shared a boat between them but Guy had his own, which<br>he worked on all day, touching up varnish and tightening the stays. I<br>spoke very little in those days. Not because I was timid but because I<br>usually had a chunk of Uncle William's toffee in my mouth and as the<br>toffee was broken off a block with a toffee-hammer and the pieces were<br>usually large, pointed triangles which almost pierced the cheeks, any<br>attempt at speech usually resulted in the listener being drenched with a<br>fine spray of Banana-Flavour juice. But Guy spoke even less than I did.<br>His conversation seemed to be entirely restricted to laconic, one-word<br>instructions; Anchor', he would say. And perhaps an hour later, 'Oar'. He<br>had fair hair, a cleft in his chin, and he wore khaki shorts which came<br>just below the knee and a roll-neck sweater apparently knitted from<br>spaghetti. He pottered about in the water all day getting his feet wet and<br>never caught cold. A tremendously impressive chap.<p>His girl friend was Carmen Rowbottom, the ironmonger's daughter, although<br>Mr Rowbottom called it 'Row-both-am' because he had married the gas<br>manager's daughter and was a sidesman. I could never see much to Carmen at<br>the time. She was quite elderly, pushing twenty, and wasn't very<br>interesting to look at, having rather a lot of loose hair, like a<br>carthorse's ankle, and huge bumps above her waist which got in the way<br>when she rowed. But Guy was very keen on her, taking her for long, silent<br>sails.<p>At the other end of the scale was Charlie Gordon who worked as a reporter<br>on the East Kent Messenger. He was known as 'Toothy' because he hadn't got<br>many, due to a cricket-ball. Toothy was small, bow-legged and ugly. He<br>spent most of the time sitting on the edge of the pier, not helping,<br>making rather funny comments.<p>Then it happened. There had been a week of bad weather and none of us had<br>been on the beach. I was sitting on the pier wondering when the rain would<br>ease up when I found Carmen standing there, eyes sparkling.<p>"I'm married!" she said.<p>For a while I couldn't speak. I'd swallowed my lump of toffee. When the<br>pain in my chest had diminished I lifted one earpiece of my bathing hat so<br>as not to miss a word and wished her and Guy a lifetime of bliss.<p>"Not Guy," she said. "Toothy. I'm Mrs Gordon!"<p>"But..." I said, which wasn't much help but it was all I could think of to<br>say in the stress of the moment.<p>"Be a sweet and tell Guy for me, will you? It'll be easier coming from<br>you." And with a wifely peck on my cheek she was gone.<p>I found Guy in the sail-locker, darning a sail.<p>"Er, Guy, er," I said. "Er, Carmen's married. Asked me to tell you.<br>Married Toothy. She's Mrs Gordon."<p>Guy stared at me with his unblinking, mariner's gaze,<p>"They're married," I repeated. "Married. Wed. Mr and Mrs Gordon."<p>Still no response.<p>"Miss Rowbotham has joined Mr Gordon in Holy Matrimony . . ."<p>As I ploughed on a horrifying truth dawned upon me. The splendid Guy, my<br>idol, was as thick as a post. As dim as a nun's nightlight.<p>"Your ex-girl-friend and the man with few teeth are as one . . ."<p>But nothing was registering. As I sweated on, trying to get the message<br>home to him, the scales dropping from my eyes like autumn leaves in a<br>gale, I realised that My Hero was a man of few words because he only knew<br>a few. In fact, apart from a few everyday phrases like 'Pass the<br>marmalade', and 'Does this train stop at Faversham?' his entire vocabulary<br>was nautical.<p>And so I translated my message into the language he knew.<p>"Mr Gordon and Miss Rowbotham," I said, "have sailed together into the<br>harbour of matrimony. And are moored together for life."<p>Immediately he understood. His figure sagged. He seemed to be trying to<br>say something.<p>I stood with him, but my words of comfort were of no use. At dawn the<br>following morning a longshoreman, out early to dig bait and nick things<br>from the bathing huts, found Guy as I had left him; staring into space and<br>muttering over and over again the harsh truth which he had, somehow, to<br>accept:<p>"Carmen ... Toothy Gordon ... Moored!"<p>-- Frank Muir, 1974<div class="blogger-post-footer">--
www.niles.org.uk/jokes<img width='1' height='1' src='http://res1.blogblog.com/tracker/9359832-8563002134869886317?l=www.niles.org.uk%2Fjokes%2Findex.html'/></div>Nileshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03060945134872813307noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9359832.post-24845239715109309252009-02-16T17:23:00.001Z2009-02-16T17:23:59.258Z[nilesfunnies] Status reportStatus report<br>A friend's recent status report on Facebook:<p>Office printer had message: 'Jam in tray four'. You can imagine my<br>disappointment when I opened it and found only a crumpled sheet of paper.<div class="blogger-post-footer">--
www.niles.org.uk/jokes<img width='1' height='1' src='http://res1.blogblog.com/tracker/9359832-2484523971510930925?l=www.niles.org.uk%2Fjokes%2Findex.html'/></div>Nileshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03060945134872813307noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9359832.post-60876376084333688132009-01-27T23:28:00.001Z2009-01-27T23:28:20.803Z[nilesfunnies] WorriedWorried<br>I applied for a job as a bin man the other day. I was a little worried<br>I wouldn't fully understand but apparently you pick it up as you go<br>along.<div class="blogger-post-footer">--
www.niles.org.uk/jokes<img width='1' height='1' src='http://res1.blogblog.com/tracker/9359832-6087637608433368813?l=www.niles.org.uk%2Fjokes%2Findex.html'/></div>Nileshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03060945134872813307noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9359832.post-76027860974210871852009-01-17T23:03:00.001Z2009-01-17T23:03:22.698Z[nilesfunnies] WhatWhat do you call a camel with four humps?<p>A Saudi quattro<div class="blogger-post-footer">--
www.niles.org.uk/jokes<img width='1' height='1' src='http://res1.blogblog.com/tracker/9359832-7602786097421087185?l=www.niles.org.uk%2Fjokes%2Findex.html'/></div>Nileshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03060945134872813307noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9359832.post-73790224574770407902009-01-17T23:00:00.001Z2009-01-17T23:00:45.062Z[nilesfunnies] Good luck in your new job, JUST CHECK OUT THE SMALL PRINT ON THATWhat The New Job-Lingo Means<p>"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"<br>We have no time to train you.<p>"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"<br>We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of<br>the real daring guys wear earrings.<p>"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED"<br>You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.<p>"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"<br>Some time each night and some time each weekend.<p>"DUTIES WILL VARY"<br>Anyone in the office can boss you around.<p>"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"<br>We have no quality control.<p>"CAREER-MINDED"<br>Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).<p>"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"<br>We've filled the job; our call for applicants is just a legal formality.<p><br>"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"<br>You'll need it to replace three people who just left.<p>"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"<br>You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.<p>"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"<br>You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or<br>respect.<p>"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"<br>Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do<br>it.<div class="blogger-post-footer">--
www.niles.org.uk/jokes<img width='1' height='1' src='http://res1.blogblog.com/tracker/9359832-7379022457477040790?l=www.niles.org.uk%2Fjokes%2Findex.html'/></div>Nileshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03060945134872813307noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9359832.post-73375184873048394672009-01-10T21:52:00.001Z2009-01-10T21:52:15.809Z[nilesfunnies] Thomas de QuinceyI came across a quote to-day - attributed to Thomas de Quincey<p>'If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think<br>little of robbing; and from robbing he comes next to drinking and<br>Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination.'<div class="blogger-post-footer">--
www.niles.org.uk/jokes<img width='1' height='1' src='http://res1.blogblog.com/tracker/9359832-7337518487304839467?l=www.niles.org.uk%2Fjokes%2Findex.html'/></div>Nileshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03060945134872813307noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9359832.post-18413050975485945642008-12-04T06:05:00.001Z2008-12-04T06:05:18.418Z[nilesfunnies] Fwd: [Funnies] Fw: Jobs<div class="gmail_quote">Jobs<br> Two men at a party and one says to the other "So what do you do for a living?"<br> <br> "I'm a plastic surgeon," says the other. "I tuck up features!"<br> <br> "Thats a coincidence!" says the first man, "because I'm an OFSTED<br> inspector."<br></div><br> <div class="blogger-post-footer">--
www.niles.org.uk/jokes<img width='1' height='1' src='http://res1.blogblog.com/tracker/9359832-1841305097548594564?l=www.niles.org.uk%2Fjokes%2Findex.html'/></div>Nileshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03060945134872813307noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9359832.post-80251894671767702832008-11-17T17:38:00.000Z2008-11-17T17:39:01.276Z[nilesfunnies] Dirty ClothesA young couple moves into a new neighborhood. The next morning while<br>they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbour hanging<br>the wash outside. "That laundry is not very clean", she said. "She<br>doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry<br>soap" Her husband looked on, but remained silent.<p>Every time her neighbour would hang her wash to dry, the young woman<br>would make the same comments.<p>About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean<br>wash on the line and said to her husband: "Look, she has learned how<br>to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?<p>The husband said, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows."<div class="blogger-post-footer">--
www.niles.org.uk/jokes<img width='1' height='1' src='http://res1.blogblog.com/tracker/9359832-8025189467176770283?l=www.niles.org.uk%2Fjokes%2Findex.html'/></div>Nileshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03060945134872813307noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9359832.post-85671082310395164622008-11-06T17:25:00.000Z2008-11-06T17:26:07.880Z[nilesfunnies] Message from John McCainMessage from John McCain<br>You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man<br>who shot President Reagan in the early 1980s. Hinckley was absolutely<br>obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, extremely jealous, and in his<br>twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that to make himself well<br>known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan. There is<br>speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated.<br>Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter from John McCain<br>that the staff at the mental facility, treating Hinckley, reports to<br>have intercepted this past weekend:<p>To: John Hinckley<br>From: John McCain<p>My wife and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we<br>are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our fine<br>country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to<br>know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and forgiveness<br>throughout.<p>My wife Cindy and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you<br>for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the<br>mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of<br>desperation. We are confident that you will soon make a complete<br>recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy<br>and productive young man.<p>Best Wishes,<p>John and Cindy McCain<p>P.S. Thought you should know that Barack Obama has been shagging Jodie<br>Foster.<div class="blogger-post-footer">--
www.niles.org.uk/jokes<img width='1' height='1' src='http://res1.blogblog.com/tracker/9359832-8567108231039516462?l=www.niles.org.uk%2Fjokes%2Findex.html'/></div>Nileshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03060945134872813307noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9359832.post-85468419381296620252008-10-13T20:51:00.000+01:002008-10-13T20:52:07.402+01:00[nilesfunnies] AlaskaI thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,<br>but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian....<div class="blogger-post-footer">--
www.niles.org.uk/jokes<img width='1' height='1' src='http://res1.blogblog.com/tracker/9359832-8546841938129662025?l=www.niles.org.uk%2Fjokes%2Findex.html'/></div>Nileshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03060945134872813307noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9359832.post-77478816618383471782008-10-13T12:24:00.001+01:002008-10-13T12:24:15.548+01:00[nilesfunnies] IcelandWhat's the capital of Iceland?<p>About £3.50<div class="blogger-post-footer">--
www.niles.org.uk/jokes<img width='1' height='1' src='http://res1.blogblog.com/tracker/9359832-7747881661838347178?l=www.niles.org.uk%2Fjokes%2Findex.html'/></div>Nileshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03060945134872813307noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9359832.post-91441282930943602962008-10-10T02:00:00.001+01:002008-10-10T02:00:35.394+01:00[nilesfunnies] The Poetry of Sarah PalinThe Poetry of Sarah Palin<br><a href="http://www.slate.com/id/2201342/pagenum/all/#page_start">http://www.slate.com/id/2201342/pagenum/all/#page_start</a><p>The Poetry of Sarah Palin<br>Recent works by the Republican vice presidential candidate.<br>By Hart Seely<p>Posted Wednesday, Oct. 1, 2008, at 1:25 PM ET<p>It's been barely six weeks since the arctic-fresh voice of Alaskan poet<br>Sarah Heath Palin burst upon the lower 48. In campaign interviews, the<br>governor, mother, and maverick GOP vice presidential candidate has chosen<br>to bypass the media filter and speak directly to fans through her<br>intensely personal verses, spoken poems that drill into the vagaries of<br>modern life as if they were oil deposits beneath a government-protected<br>tundra.<p>Thursday's nationally televised debate with Democrat Joe Biden could give<br>Palin the chance to cement her reputation as one of the country's most<br>innovative practitioners of what she calls "verbiage."<p>The poems collected here were compiled verbatim from only three brief<br>interviews. So just imagine the work Sarah Palin could produce over the<br>next four (or eight) years.<p><br>"On Good and Evil"<p>It is obvious to me<br>Who the good guys are in this one<br>And who the bad guys are.<br>The bad guys are the ones<br>Who say Israel is a stinking corpse,<br>And should be wiped off<br>The face of the earth.<p>That's not a good guy.<p>(To K. Couric, CBS News, Sept. 25, 2008)<p><br>"You Can't Blink"<p>You can't blink.<br>You have to be wired<br>In a way of being<br>So committed to the mission,<p>The mission that we're on,<br>Reform of this country,<br>And victory in the war,<br>You can't blink.<p>So I didn't blink.<p>(To C. Gibson, ABC News, Sept. 11, 2008)<p><br>"Haiku"<p>These corporations.<br>Today it was AIG,<br>Important call, there.<p>(To S. Hannity, Fox News, Sept. 18, 2008)<p><br>"Befoulers of the Verbiage"<p>It was an unfair attack on the verbiage<br>That Senator McCain chose to use,<br>Because the fundamentals,<br>As he was having to explain afterwards,<br>He means our workforce.<br>He means the ingenuity of the American.<br>And of course that is strong,<br>And that is the foundation of our economy.<br>So that was an unfair attack there,<br>Again based on verbiage.<p>(To S. Hannity, Fox News, Sept. 18, 2008)<p><br>"Secret Conversation"<p>I asked President Karzai:<p>"Is that what you are seeking, also?<br>"That strategy that has worked in Iraq?<br>"That John McCain had pushed for?<br>"More troops?<br>"A counterinsurgency strategy?"<p>And he said, "Yes."<p>(To K. Couric, CBS News, Sept. 25, 2008)<p><br>"Outside"<p>I am a Washington outsider.<br>I mean,<br>Look at where you are.<br>I'm a Washington outsider.<p>I do not have those allegiances<br>To the power brokers,<br>To the lobbyists.<br>We need someone like that.<p>(To C. Gibson, ABC News, Sept. 11, 2008)<p>"On the Bailout"<p>Ultimately,<br>What the bailout does<br>Is help those who are concerned<br>About the health care reform<br>That is needed<br>To help shore up our economy,<br>Helping the—<br>It's got to be all about job creation, too.<p>Shoring up our economy<br>And putting it back on the right track.<br>So health care reform<br>And reducing taxes<br>And reining in spending<br>Has got to accompany tax reductions<br>And tax relief for Americans.<br>And trade.<p>We've got to see trade<br>As opportunity<br>Not as a competitive, scary thing.<br>But one in five jobs<br>Being created in the trade sector today,<br>We've got to look at that<br>As more opportunity.<br>All those things.<p>(To K. Couric, CBS News, Sept. 25, 2008)<p><br>"Challenge to a Cynic"<p>You are a cynic.<br>Because show me where<br>I have ever said<br>That there's absolute proof<br>That nothing that man<br>Has ever conducted<br>Or engaged in,<br>Has had any effect,<br>Or no effect,<br>On climate change.<p>(To C. Gibson, ABC News, Sept. 11, 2008)<p><br>"On Reporters"<p>It's funny that<br>A comment like that<br>Was kinda made to,<br>I don't know,<br>You know ...<p>Reporters.<p>(To K. Couric, CBS News, Sept. 25, 2008)<p><br>"Small Mayors"<p>You know,<br>Small mayors,<br>Mayors of small towns—<br>Quote, unquote—<br>They're on the front lines.<p>(To S. Hannity, Fox News, Sept. 19, 2008)<div class="blogger-post-footer">--
www.niles.org.uk/jokes<img width='1' height='1' src='http://res1.blogblog.com/tracker/9359832-9144128293094360296?l=www.niles.org.uk%2Fjokes%2Findex.html'/></div>Nileshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03060945134872813307noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9359832.post-45694004191913174942008-10-01T22:39:00.001+01:002008-10-01T22:39:20.800+01:00[nilesfunnies] Fwd: [Funnies] Humour for LexophilesHumour for Lexophiles<p>1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.<p>2. Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.<p>3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's<br>all right now.<p>4. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.<p>5. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.<p>6. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.<p>7. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U. C. L. A<p>8. The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it!<p>9. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.<p>10. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.<p>11. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.<p>12. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is just two-tired.<p>13. A will is a dead giveaway.<p>14. A backward poet writes inverse.<p>15. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.<p>16. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.<p>17. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in<br>linoleum blown apart.<p>18. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.<p>19. A calendar's days are numbered.<p>20. A boiled egg is hard to beat.<p>21. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.<p>22.. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.<p>23. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.<p>24. Acupuncture: a jab well done<p>25. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.<p>26. A guy who fell into an upholstery machine was fully recovered.<p>27. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.<div class="blogger-post-footer">--
www.niles.org.uk/jokes<img width='1' height='1' src='http://res1.blogblog.com/tracker/9359832-4569400419191317494?l=www.niles.org.uk%2Fjokes%2Findex.html'/></div>Nileshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03060945134872813307noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9359832.post-12576589653834625432008-10-01T16:15:00.001+01:002008-10-01T16:15:27.996+01:00[nilesfunnies] The Amazing ScotsmanThe Amazing Scotsman<p>A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress.<br>A sign read: 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a<br>ticket and sat down.<br>There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.<br>Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.<br>Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed<br>all three walnuts with three mighty swings!<br>The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Scot was carried off on the<br>shoulders of the crowd.<p>Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded<br>sign for the same circus and the same sign, 'Don't Miss The Amazing<br>Scotsman'.<br>He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his<br>act!<br>He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.<br>This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the<br>table.<br>The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and<br>shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.<br>The crowd went wild!<p>Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.<br>'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know something.<br>You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?'<p>'Weel laddie', said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.'<div class="blogger-post-footer">--
www.niles.org.uk/jokes<img width='1' height='1' src='http://res1.blogblog.com/tracker/9359832-1257658965383462543?l=www.niles.org.uk%2Fjokes%2Findex.html'/></div>Nileshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03060945134872813307noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9359832.post-62230041506738369162008-09-28T15:09:00.001+01:002008-09-28T15:09:58.717+01:00[nilesfunnies] Fwd: [Funnies] Fw: What's the matterWhat's the matter<br>An English teacher spent a lot of time marking grammatical errors on her<br>students' written work. She wasn't sure how much impact she was having<br>until one overly busy day she sat at her desk rubbing her temples.<p>A student asked, "What's the matter, Mrs. Sheridan?"<p>"Tense," she replied, describing her emotional state.<p>After a slight pause the student tried again ... "What was the matter?<br>What has been the matter? What might have been the matter? ...?"<div class="blogger-post-footer">--
www.niles.org.uk/jokes<img width='1' height='1' src='http://res1.blogblog.com/tracker/9359832-6223004150673836916?l=www.niles.org.uk%2Fjokes%2Findex.html'/></div>Nileshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03060945134872813307noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9359832.post-36387759806785464382008-09-12T02:09:00.001+01:002008-09-12T02:09:39.165+01:00[nilesfunnies] polyglot gag:An Englishman, a Frenchman, a German and an Italian are sitting together<br>discussing the relative merits of their languages.<p>"To take a single example," says the Englishman, "what name better<br>suggests the beautiful, delicate motion of that creature we call a<br>butterfly?"<p>"Ah," says the Frenchman, "but surely the glorious intricacy of its<br>markings and designs is captured utterly in the word /papillon/."<p>"Si," says the Italian, "but the frame of the creature itself, the<br>combination of grace and precariousness, is evoked to perfection by the<br>name /farfalla/."<p>"And what," says the German grouchily, "is wrong with /Schmetterling/ ?"<div class="blogger-post-footer">--
www.niles.org.uk/jokes<img width='1' height='1' src='http://res1.blogblog.com/tracker/9359832-3638775980678546438?l=www.niles.org.uk%2Fjokes%2Findex.html'/></div>Nileshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03060945134872813307noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9359832.post-38213430613087512652008-09-05T01:26:00.000+01:002008-09-05T01:27:01.377+01:00[nilesfunnies] Invite...Ouch!<p><br>---------- Forwarded message ----------<br>From: Funnies Mailing List <<a href="mailto:Funnies@mailprocessor.co.uk">Funnies@mailprocessor.co.uk</a>><br>To: <a href="mailto:alex.foster@zetnet.co.uk">alex.foster@zetnet.co.uk</a><p><br>You are all invited to a family BBQ at a Mansion in Shropshire.<p>There'll be plenty of beer, but sadly no Fosters!<div class="blogger-post-footer">--
www.niles.org.uk/jokes<img width='1' height='1' src='http://res1.blogblog.com/tracker/9359832-3821343061308751265?l=www.niles.org.uk%2Fjokes%2Findex.html'/></div>Nileshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03060945134872813307noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9359832.post-43876290793631152962008-09-02T17:55:00.000+01:002008-09-02T17:56:14.171+01:00[nilesfunnies] the farmer and the moneylenderFarmer and the Money Lender<p>Many years ago in a small Indian village, a farmer had the misfortune<br>of owing a large sum of money to a village moneylender. The<br>moneylender, who was old and ugly, fancied the farmer's beautiful<br>daughter. So he proposed a bargain.<p>He said he would forgo the farmer's debt if he could marry his<br>daughter. Both the farmer and his daughter were horrified by the<br>proposal. So the cunning money-lender suggested that they let<br>providence decide the matter. He told them that he would put a black<br>pebble and a white pebble into an empty money bag. Then the girl would<br>have to pick one pebble from the bag.<p>1) If she picked the black pebble, she would become his wife and her<br>father's debt would be forgiven.<p>2) If she picked the white pebble she need not marry him and her<br>father's debt would still be forgiven.<p>3) But if she refused to pick a pebble, her father would be thrown into jail.<p>They were standing on a pebble strewn path in the farmer's field. As<br>they talked, the moneylender bent over to pick up two pebbles. As he<br>picked them up, the sharp-eyed girl noticed that he had picked up two<br>black pebbles and put them into the bag. He then asked the girl to<br>pick a pebble from the bag.<p>Now, imagine that you were standing in the field. What would you have<br>done if you were the girl? If you had to advise her, what would you<br>have told her?<p>Careful analysis would produce three possibilities:<br>1. The girl should refuse to take a pebble.<p>2. The girl should show that there were two black pebbles in the bag<br>and expose the money-lender as a cheat.<p>3. The girl should pick a black pebble and sacrifice herself in order<br>to save her father from his debt and imprisonment.<p>Take a moment to ponder over the story. The above story is used with<br>the hope that it will make us appreciate the difference between<br>lateral and logical thinking. The girl's dilemma cannot be solved with<br>traditional logical thinking. Think of the consequences if she chooses<br>the above logical answers.<p>What would you recommend to the Girl to do?<p><p><br>Well, here is what she did ....<p>The girl put her hand into the moneybag and drew out a pebble. Without<br>looking at it, she fumbled and let it fall onto the pebble-strewn path<br>where it immediately became lost among all the other pebbles.<p>'Oh, how clumsy of me,' she said. 'But never mind, if you look into<br>the bag for the one that is left, you will be able to tell which<br>pebble I picked.' Since the remaining pebble is black, it must be<br>assumed that she had picked the white one. And since the money-lender<br>dared not admit his dishonesty, the girl changed what seemed an<br>impossible situation into an extremely advantageous one.<div class="blogger-post-footer">--
www.niles.org.uk/jokes<img width='1' height='1' src='http://res1.blogblog.com/tracker/9359832-4387629079363115296?l=www.niles.org.uk%2Fjokes%2Findex.html'/></div>Nileshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03060945134872813307noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9359832.post-24511562256990679272008-08-21T17:59:00.000+01:002008-08-21T18:00:00.663+01:00[nilesfunnies] Fwd: LDC - Misc---------- Forwarded message ----------<br>From: FrenchFox <<a href="mailto:frenchfox@gmail.com">frenchfox@gmail.com</a>><br>Date: 2008/8/21<br>Subject: LDC - Misc<br>To: undisclosed-recipients<p><br>These are actual writings from patients notes in various hospitals.< /i><p>1. The patient refused an autopsy.<br>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br>2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.<br>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br>3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.<br>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br>4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was<br>very hot in bed last night.<br>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br>5 Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.<br>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br>6. On the second day, the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.<br>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br>7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to<br>be depressed.<br>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br>8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.<br>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br>9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.<br>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br>10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.<br>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br>11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.<br>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br>12. She is numb from her toes down.<br>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br>13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated, and sent home.<br>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br>14. The skin was moist and dry.<br>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br>15 Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.<br>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br>16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.<br>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br>17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.<br>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br>18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life,<br>until she got a divorce.<br>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br>19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.<br>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br>20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.<br>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br>21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.<br>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br>22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.<br>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br>23. Skin: somewhat pale but present<br>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br>24. The pelvis exam will be done later on the floor.<br>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br>25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities<div class="blogger-post-footer">--
www.niles.org.uk/jokes<img width='1' height='1' src='http://res1.blogblog.com/tracker/9359832-2451156225699067927?l=www.niles.org.uk%2Fjokes%2Findex.html'/></div>Nileshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03060945134872813307noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9359832.post-53598827200961927452008-08-11T22:22:00.000+01:002008-08-11T22:23:00.844+01:00[nilesfunnies] Fwd: A True ScotA Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to<br>the chemist.<p>The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton<br>bandanna, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square, which he also<br>unfolds to reveal a condom.<p>The condom has a number of patches on it. He holds it up, and eyes it<br>critically. 'How much to repair it?' the Scot asks the pharmacist.<p>'Six pence,' says the pharmacist.<p>'How much for a new one?' 'Ten pence,' says the pharmacist.<p>The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton<br>bandanna, places it in his sporran and marches out the door of the<br>pharmacy, kilt swinging.<p>A moment or two later the pharmacist hears a great shout go up,<br>followed by an even greater shout.<p>The Scot walks back into the pharmacy, and again speaks to the<br>pharmacist. 'The regiment has taken a vote,' the Scot says. 'We'll<br>have a new one.'<div class="blogger-post-footer">--
www.niles.org.uk/jokes<img width='1' height='1' src='http://res1.blogblog.com/tracker/9359832-5359882720096192745?l=www.niles.org.uk%2Fjokes%2Findex.html'/></div>Nileshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03060945134872813307noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9359832.post-84734008695035777812008-08-11T15:59:00.000+01:002008-08-11T16:00:05.823+01:00[nilesfunnies] Fwd: Fw: Mental Health IssuesMental Health Issues<br>A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have<br>improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.<p>The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided,<br>however, to interview him first.<p>"Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what<br>do you intend to do with your life?'<p>The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I<br>do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a<br>nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons<br>research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself<br>to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult<br>and stressful."<p>"Marvellous," said the head of the institution.<p>"Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be<br>said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of<br>scientists."<p>"Absolutely," said the head.<p>"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on<br>science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my<br>experiences in this fine institution."<p>"An interesting possibility," said the head.<p>"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue<br>to be a teakettle."<div class="blogger-post-footer">--
www.niles.org.uk/jokes<img width='1' height='1' src='http://res1.blogblog.com/tracker/9359832-8473400869503577781?l=www.niles.org.uk%2Fjokes%2Findex.html'/></div>Nileshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03060945134872813307noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9359832.post-45029269098296343552008-08-11T12:16:00.003+01:002008-08-11T12:16:40.266+01:00[nilesfunnies] Fwd: frisbeeI was standing in the park, wondering why a frisbee gets bigger as it<br>gets closer. Then it hit me.<div class="blogger-post-footer">--
www.niles.org.uk/jokes<img width='1' height='1' src='http://res1.blogblog.com/tracker/9359832-4502926909829634355?l=www.niles.org.uk%2Fjokes%2Findex.html'/></div>Nileshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03060945134872813307noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9359832.post-86908966121740714362008-08-11T12:16:00.001+01:002008-08-11T12:16:20.035+01:00[nilesfunnies] William PennWilliam Penn, the founder and mayor of Philadelphia, had two aunts:<br>Hattie and Sophia, who were skilled in the baking arts. "Big Bill" was<br>petitioned by the citizens of his town because the three bakeries in the<br>town had during the Revolution raised the price of pies to the point<br>that only the rich could afford them.<p>He turned to his aunts and asked their advice. The wonderful old ladies<br>were so incensed over this situation that they offered to bake 100 pies<br>and sell them for 2 cents lower that any of the bakeries were charging.<p>They were not only successful in bringing the price of pastry down in<br>Philadelphia, but they established an historical item for the reference<br>books.<p>To this day, scholars still talk about the remarkable pie rates of<br>Penn's aunts.<div class="blogger-post-footer">--
www.niles.org.uk/jokes<img width='1' height='1' src='http://res1.blogblog.com/tracker/9359832-8690896612174071436?l=www.niles.org.uk%2Fjokes%2Findex.html'/></div>Nileshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03060945134872813307noreply@blogger.com