nilesfunnies

[nilesfunnies] Mothering Sunday is upon us

noreply@blogger.com (Niles) — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 18:37:00 +0000

Mothering Sunday is upon us
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fIJ4qK74IGY

[nilesfunnies] Pick Pocket

noreply@blogger.com (Niles) — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 09:55:00 +0000

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got
pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

[nilesfunnies] Married

noreply@blogger.com (Niles) — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 14:52:00 +0000

I must have been about nine at the time of the tragedy; a wiry, quiet lad,
much given to solitary walks and Uncle William's Banana-Flavour Toffee.

They were long, hot summers at Broadstairs in those days. A military band
played in the bandstand on the promenade, Uncle Mac performed his Minstrel
Show on the beach twice daily, and the 'Perseverance', smelling excitingly
of diesel oil fumes, took trippers for a sick round the bay.

All day was spent on the beach. I wore a bathing costume, bathing hat, and
plimsolls from dawn to dusk, wet or fine. The costume was my pride; the
acme of chic men's beachwear around the year 1929; the top half was like a
vest, with horizontal hoops of maroon, and - a design featurette - large
holes below the normal armholes. Then, working southwards, came an
imitation belt with a rusty buckle, and a navy-blue lower half complete
with a modesty skirt.

The bathing hat, which was worn at all times, was made of some intractable
black rubber, possibly from old tractor inner-tubes, about a quarter of an
inch thick. It had rubber ear-pieces welded on, into which the ears were
supposed to repose snugly. Because I had found the hat on the beach my
ears did not quite coincide and so not only was much agony endured but my
ears are now about half an inch farther forward than is normal.

I found myself attracted more and more to the pier end of the beach, where
the boats were moored. This now has a concrete slipway and a brass plate
reading 'Edward Heath Slipped Here' but in those days there was just a lot
of seaweed and a few moored dinghies gently banging into each other. What
with the seaweed and the toffee papers and the Choc-ice wrappers it was
not so much messing about in boats as boating about in mess.

Very soon the Dinghy Set had accepted me as a sort of mascot and I spent
all my time with them. Sometimes one of them would take me out for a sail
and let me lower the centre-board and do a bit of bailing, and I would run
all the way home, ten feet tall, freezing cold, with a soaking wet bottom.

They were all very much older than me. My particular hero was the group's
acknowledged leader, Guy Beauchamp, a middle-aged man of about twenty-two.
Most of the others shared a boat between them but Guy had his own, which
he worked on all day, touching up varnish and tightening the stays. I
spoke very little in those days. Not because I was timid but because I
usually had a chunk of Uncle William's toffee in my mouth and as the
toffee was broken off a block with a toffee-hammer and the pieces were
usually large, pointed triangles which almost pierced the cheeks, any
attempt at speech usually resulted in the listener being drenched with a
fine spray of Banana-Flavour juice. But Guy spoke even less than I did.
His conversation seemed to be entirely restricted to laconic, one-word
instructions; Anchor', he would say. And perhaps an hour later, 'Oar'. He
had fair hair, a cleft in his chin, and he wore khaki shorts which came
just below the knee and a roll-neck sweater apparently knitted from
spaghetti. He pottered about in the water all day getting his feet wet and
never caught cold. A tremendously impressive chap.

His girl friend was Carmen Rowbottom, the ironmonger's daughter, although
Mr Rowbottom called it 'Row-both-am' because he had married the gas
manager's daughter and was a sidesman. I could never see much to Carmen at
the time. She was quite elderly, pushing twenty, and wasn't very
interesting to look at, having rather a lot of loose hair, like a
carthorse's ankle, and huge bumps above her waist which got in the way
when she rowed. But Guy was very keen on her, taking her for long, silent
sails.

At the other end of the scale was Charlie Gordon who worked as a reporter
on the East Kent Messenger. He was known as 'Toothy' because he hadn't got
many, due to a cricket-ball. Toothy was small, bow-legged and ugly. He
spent most of the time sitting on the edge of the pier, not helping,
making rather funny comments.

Then it happened. There had been a week of bad weather and none of us had
been on the beach. I was sitting on the pier wondering when the rain would
ease up when I found Carmen standing there, eyes sparkling.

"I'm married!" she said.

For a while I couldn't speak. I'd swallowed my lump of toffee. When the
pain in my chest had diminished I lifted one earpiece of my bathing hat so
as not to miss a word and wished her and Guy a lifetime of bliss.

"Not Guy," she said. "Toothy. I'm Mrs Gordon!"

"But..." I said, which wasn't much help but it was all I could think of to
say in the stress of the moment.

"Be a sweet and tell Guy for me, will you? It'll be easier coming from
you." And with a wifely peck on my cheek she was gone.

I found Guy in the sail-locker, darning a sail.

"Er, Guy, er," I said. "Er, Carmen's married. Asked me to tell you.
Married Toothy. She's Mrs Gordon."

Guy stared at me with his unblinking, mariner's gaze,

"They're married," I repeated. "Married. Wed. Mr and Mrs Gordon."

Still no response.

"Miss Rowbotham has joined Mr Gordon in Holy Matrimony . . ."

As I ploughed on a horrifying truth dawned upon me. The splendid Guy, my
idol, was as thick as a post. As dim as a nun's nightlight.

"Your ex-girl-friend and the man with few teeth are as one . . ."

But nothing was registering. As I sweated on, trying to get the message
home to him, the scales dropping from my eyes like autumn leaves in a
gale, I realised that My Hero was a man of few words because he only knew
a few. In fact, apart from a few everyday phrases like 'Pass the
marmalade', and 'Does this train stop at Faversham?' his entire vocabulary
was nautical.

And so I translated my message into the language he knew.

"Mr Gordon and Miss Rowbotham," I said, "have sailed together into the
harbour of matrimony. And are moored together for life."

Immediately he understood. His figure sagged. He seemed to be trying to
say something.

I stood with him, but my words of comfort were of no use. At dawn the
following morning a longshoreman, out early to dig bait and nick things
from the bathing huts, found Guy as I had left him; staring into space and
muttering over and over again the harsh truth which he had, somehow, to
accept:

"Carmen ... Toothy Gordon ... Moored!"

-- Frank Muir, 1974

[nilesfunnies] Status report

noreply@blogger.com (Niles) — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 17:23:00 +0000

Status report
A friend's recent status report on Facebook:

Office printer had message: 'Jam in tray four'. You can imagine my
disappointment when I opened it and found only a crumpled sheet of paper.

[nilesfunnies] Worried

noreply@blogger.com (Niles) — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 23:28:00 +0000

Worried
I applied for a job as a bin man the other day. I was a little worried
I wouldn't fully understand but apparently you pick it up as you go
along.

[nilesfunnies] What

noreply@blogger.com (Niles) — Sat, 17 Jan 2009 23:03:00 +0000

What do you call a camel with four humps?

A Saudi quattro

[nilesfunnies] Good luck in your new job, JUST CHECK OUT THE SMALL PRINT ON THAT

noreply@blogger.com (Niles) — Sat, 17 Jan 2009 23:00:00 +0000

What The New Job-Lingo Means

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of
the real daring guys wear earrings.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED"
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for applicants is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or
respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do
it.

[nilesfunnies] Thomas de Quincey

noreply@blogger.com (Niles) — Sat, 10 Jan 2009 21:52:00 +0000

I came across a quote to-day - attributed to Thomas de Quincey

'If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think
little of robbing; and from robbing he comes next to drinking and
Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination.'

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: [Funnies] Fw: Jobs

noreply@blogger.com (Niles) — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 06:05:00 +0000

Jobs
Two men at a party and one says to the other "So what do you do for a living?"

"I'm a plastic surgeon," says the other. "I tuck up features!"

"Thats a coincidence!" says the first man, "because I'm an OFSTED
inspector."

[nilesfunnies] Dirty Clothes

noreply@blogger.com (Niles) — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 17:38:00 +0000

A young couple moves into a new neighborhood. The next morning while
they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbour hanging
the wash outside. "That laundry is not very clean", she said. "She
doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry
soap" Her husband looked on, but remained silent.

Every time her neighbour would hang her wash to dry, the young woman
would make the same comments.

About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean
wash on the line and said to her husband: "Look, she has learned how
to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?

The husband said, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows."

[nilesfunnies] Message from John McCain

noreply@blogger.com (Niles) — Thu, 06 Nov 2008 17:25:00 +0000

Message from John McCain
You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man
who shot President Reagan in the early 1980s. Hinckley was absolutely
obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, extremely jealous, and in his
twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that to make himself well
known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan. There is
speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated.
Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter from John McCain
that the staff at the mental facility, treating Hinckley, reports to
have intercepted this past weekend:

To: John Hinckley
From: John McCain

My wife and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we
are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our fine
country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to
know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and forgiveness
throughout.

My wife Cindy and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you
for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the
mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of
desperation. We are confident that you will soon make a complete
recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy
and productive young man.

Best Wishes,

John and Cindy McCain

P.S. Thought you should know that Barack Obama has been shagging Jodie
Foster.

[nilesfunnies] Alaska

noreply@blogger.com (Niles) — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 19:51:00 +0000

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,
but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian....

[nilesfunnies] Iceland

noreply@blogger.com (Niles) — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 11:24:00 +0000

What's the capital of Iceland?

About £3.50

[nilesfunnies] The Poetry of Sarah Palin

noreply@blogger.com (Niles) — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 01:00:00 +0000

The Poetry of Sarah Palin
http://www.slate.com/id/2201342/pagenum/all/#page_start

The Poetry of Sarah Palin
Recent works by the Republican vice presidential candidate.
By Hart Seely

Posted Wednesday, Oct. 1, 2008, at 1:25 PM ET

It's been barely six weeks since the arctic-fresh voice of Alaskan poet
Sarah Heath Palin burst upon the lower 48. In campaign interviews, the
governor, mother, and maverick GOP vice presidential candidate has chosen
to bypass the media filter and speak directly to fans through her
intensely personal verses, spoken poems that drill into the vagaries of
modern life as if they were oil deposits beneath a government-protected
tundra.

Thursday's nationally televised debate with Democrat Joe Biden could give
Palin the chance to cement her reputation as one of the country's most
innovative practitioners of what she calls "verbiage."

The poems collected here were compiled verbatim from only three brief
interviews. So just imagine the work Sarah Palin could produce over the
next four (or eight) years.

"On Good and Evil"

It is obvious to me
Who the good guys are in this one
And who the bad guys are.
The bad guys are the ones
Who say Israel is a stinking corpse,
And should be wiped off
The face of the earth.

That's not a good guy.

(To K. Couric, CBS News, Sept. 25, 2008)

"You Can't Blink"

You can't blink.
You have to be wired
In a way of being
So committed to the mission,

The mission that we're on,
Reform of this country,
And victory in the war,
You can't blink.

So I didn't blink.

(To C. Gibson, ABC News, Sept. 11, 2008)

"Haiku"

These corporations.
Today it was AIG,
Important call, there.

(To S. Hannity, Fox News, Sept. 18, 2008)

"Befoulers of the Verbiage"

It was an unfair attack on the verbiage
That Senator McCain chose to use,
Because the fundamentals,
As he was having to explain afterwards,
He means our workforce.
He means the ingenuity of the American.
And of course that is strong,
And that is the foundation of our economy.
So that was an unfair attack there,
Again based on verbiage.

(To S. Hannity, Fox News, Sept. 18, 2008)

"Secret Conversation"

I asked President Karzai:

"Is that what you are seeking, also?
"That strategy that has worked in Iraq?
"That John McCain had pushed for?
"More troops?
"A counterinsurgency strategy?"

And he said, "Yes."

(To K. Couric, CBS News, Sept. 25, 2008)

"Outside"

I am a Washington outsider.
I mean,
Look at where you are.
I'm a Washington outsider.

I do not have those allegiances
To the power brokers,
To the lobbyists.
We need someone like that.

(To C. Gibson, ABC News, Sept. 11, 2008)

"On the Bailout"

Ultimately,
What the bailout does
Is help those who are concerned
About the health care reform
That is needed
To help shore up our economy,
Helping the—
It's got to be all about job creation, too.

Shoring up our economy
And putting it back on the right track.
So health care reform
And reducing taxes
And reining in spending
Has got to accompany tax reductions
And tax relief for Americans.
And trade.

We've got to see trade
As opportunity
Not as a competitive, scary thing.
But one in five jobs
Being created in the trade sector today,
We've got to look at that
As more opportunity.
All those things.

(To K. Couric, CBS News, Sept. 25, 2008)

"Challenge to a Cynic"

You are a cynic.
Because show me where
I have ever said
That there's absolute proof
That nothing that man
Has ever conducted
Or engaged in,
Has had any effect,
Or no effect,
On climate change.

(To C. Gibson, ABC News, Sept. 11, 2008)

"On Reporters"

It's funny that
A comment like that
Was kinda made to,
I don't know,
You know ...

Reporters.

(To K. Couric, CBS News, Sept. 25, 2008)

"Small Mayors"

You know,
Small mayors,
Mayors of small towns—
Quote, unquote—
They're on the front lines.

(To S. Hannity, Fox News, Sept. 19, 2008)

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: [Funnies] Humour for Lexophiles

noreply@blogger.com (Niles) — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 21:39:00 +0000

Humour for Lexophiles

1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

2. Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's
all right now.

4. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

5. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

6. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

7. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U. C. L. A

8. The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it!

9. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

10. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

11. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

12. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is just two-tired.

13. A will is a dead giveaway.

14. A backward poet writes inverse.

15. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

16. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

17. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in
linoleum blown apart.

18. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

19. A calendar's days are numbered.

20. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

21. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

22.. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

23. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

24. Acupuncture: a jab well done

25. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

26. A guy who fell into an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

27. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

[nilesfunnies] The Amazing Scotsman

noreply@blogger.com (Niles) — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 15:15:00 +0000

The Amazing Scotsman

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress.
A sign read: 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a
ticket and sat down.
There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.
Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed
all three walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Scot was carried off on the
shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded
sign for the same circus and the same sign, 'Don't Miss The Amazing
Scotsman'.
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his
act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.
This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the
table.
The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and
shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know something.
You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?'

'Weel laddie', said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.'

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: [Funnies] Fw: What's the matter

noreply@blogger.com (Niles) — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 14:09:00 +0000

What's the matter
An English teacher spent a lot of time marking grammatical errors on her
students' written work. She wasn't sure how much impact she was having
until one overly busy day she sat at her desk rubbing her temples.

A student asked, "What's the matter, Mrs. Sheridan?"

"Tense," she replied, describing her emotional state.

After a slight pause the student tried again ... "What was the matter?
What has been the matter? What might have been the matter? ...?"

[nilesfunnies] polyglot gag:

noreply@blogger.com (Niles) — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 01:09:00 +0000

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a German and an Italian are sitting together
discussing the relative merits of their languages.

"To take a single example," says the Englishman, "what name better
suggests the beautiful, delicate motion of that creature we call a
butterfly?"

"Ah," says the Frenchman, "but surely the glorious intricacy of its
markings and designs is captured utterly in the word /papillon/."

"Si," says the Italian, "but the frame of the creature itself, the
combination of grace and precariousness, is evoked to perfection by the
name /farfalla/."

"And what," says the German grouchily, "is wrong with /Schmetterling/ ?"

[nilesfunnies] Invite...

noreply@blogger.com (Niles) — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 00:26:00 +0000

Ouch!

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Funnies Mailing List <Funnies@mailprocessor.co.uk>
To: alex.foster@zetnet.co.uk

You are all invited to a family BBQ at a Mansion in Shropshire.

There'll be plenty of beer, but sadly no Fosters!

[nilesfunnies] the farmer and the moneylender

noreply@blogger.com (Niles) — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 16:55:00 +0000

Farmer and the Money Lender

Many years ago in a small Indian village, a farmer had the misfortune
of owing a large sum of money to a village moneylender. The
moneylender, who was old and ugly, fancied the farmer's beautiful
daughter. So he proposed a bargain.

He said he would forgo the farmer's debt if he could marry his
daughter. Both the farmer and his daughter were horrified by the
proposal. So the cunning money-lender suggested that they let
providence decide the matter. He told them that he would put a black
pebble and a white pebble into an empty money bag. Then the girl would
have to pick one pebble from the bag.

1) If she picked the black pebble, she would become his wife and her
father's debt would be forgiven.

2) If she picked the white pebble she need not marry him and her
father's debt would still be forgiven.

3) But if she refused to pick a pebble, her father would be thrown into jail.

They were standing on a pebble strewn path in the farmer's field. As
they talked, the moneylender bent over to pick up two pebbles. As he
picked them up, the sharp-eyed girl noticed that he had picked up two
black pebbles and put them into the bag. He then asked the girl to
pick a pebble from the bag.

Now, imagine that you were standing in the field. What would you have
done if you were the girl? If you had to advise her, what would you
have told her?

Careful analysis would produce three possibilities:
1. The girl should refuse to take a pebble.

2. The girl should show that there were two black pebbles in the bag
and expose the money-lender as a cheat.

3. The girl should pick a black pebble and sacrifice herself in order
to save her father from his debt and imprisonment.

Take a moment to ponder over the story. The above story is used with
the hope that it will make us appreciate the difference between
lateral and logical thinking. The girl's dilemma cannot be solved with
traditional logical thinking. Think of the consequences if she chooses
the above logical answers.

What would you recommend to the Girl to do?

Well, here is what she did ....

The girl put her hand into the moneybag and drew out a pebble. Without
looking at it, she fumbled and let it fall onto the pebble-strewn path
where it immediately became lost among all the other pebbles.

'Oh, how clumsy of me,' she said. 'But never mind, if you look into
the bag for the one that is left, you will be able to tell which
pebble I picked.' Since the remaining pebble is black, it must be
assumed that she had picked the white one. And since the money-lender
dared not admit his dishonesty, the girl changed what seemed an
impossible situation into an extremely advantageous one.

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: LDC - Misc

noreply@blogger.com (Niles) — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 16:59:00 +0000

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: FrenchFox <frenchfox@gmail.com>
Date: 2008/8/21
Subject: LDC - Misc
To: undisclosed-recipients

These are actual writings from patients notes in various hospitals.< /i>

1. The patient refused an autopsy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
very hot in bed last night.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
5 Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6. On the second day, the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to
be depressed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12. She is numb from her toes down.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated, and sent home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
14. The skin was moist and dry.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
15 Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life,
until she got a divorce.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
24. The pelvis exam will be done later on the floor.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: A True Scot

noreply@blogger.com (Niles) — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 21:22:00 +0000

A Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to
the chemist.

The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton
bandanna, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square, which he also
unfolds to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it. He holds it up, and eyes it
critically. 'How much to repair it?' the Scot asks the pharmacist.

'Six pence,' says the pharmacist.

'How much for a new one?' 'Ten pence,' says the pharmacist.

The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton
bandanna, places it in his sporran and marches out the door of the
pharmacy, kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the pharmacist hears a great shout go up,
followed by an even greater shout.

The Scot walks back into the pharmacy, and again speaks to the
pharmacist. 'The regiment has taken a vote,' the Scot says. 'We'll
have a new one.'

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: Fw: Mental Health Issues

noreply@blogger.com (Niles) — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 14:59:00 +0000

Mental Health Issues
A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have
improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.

The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided,
however, to interview him first.

"Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what
do you intend to do with your life?'

The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I
do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a
nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons
research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself
to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult
and stressful."

"Marvellous," said the head of the institution.

"Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be
said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of
scientists."

"Absolutely," said the head.

"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on
science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my
experiences in this fine institution."

"An interesting possibility," said the head.

"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue
to be a teakettle."

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: frisbee

noreply@blogger.com (Niles) — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 11:16:00 +0000

I was standing in the park, wondering why a frisbee gets bigger as it
gets closer. Then it hit me.

[nilesfunnies] William Penn

noreply@blogger.com (Niles) — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 11:16:00 +0000

William Penn, the founder and mayor of Philadelphia, had two aunts:
Hattie and Sophia, who were skilled in the baking arts. "Big Bill" was
petitioned by the citizens of his town because the three bakeries in the
town had during the Revolution raised the price of pies to the point
that only the rich could afford them.

He turned to his aunts and asked their advice. The wonderful old ladies
were so incensed over this situation that they offered to bake 100 pies
and sell them for 2 cents lower that any of the bakeries were charging.

They were not only successful in bringing the price of pastry down in
Philadelphia, but they established an historical item for the reference
books.

To this day, scholars still talk about the remarkable pie rates of
Penn's aunts.