nilesfunnies

[nilesfunnies] The Poetry of Sarah Palin

noreply@blogger.com (Niles) — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 01:00:00 +0000

The Poetry of Sarah Palin
http://www.slate.com/id/2201342/pagenum/all/#page_start

The Poetry of Sarah Palin
Recent works by the Republican vice presidential candidate.
By Hart Seely

Posted Wednesday, Oct. 1, 2008, at 1:25 PM ET

It's been barely six weeks since the arctic-fresh voice of Alaskan poet
Sarah Heath Palin burst upon the lower 48. In campaign interviews, the
governor, mother, and maverick GOP vice presidential candidate has chosen
to bypass the media filter and speak directly to fans through her
intensely personal verses, spoken poems that drill into the vagaries of
modern life as if they were oil deposits beneath a government-protected
tundra.

Thursday's nationally televised debate with Democrat Joe Biden could give
Palin the chance to cement her reputation as one of the country's most
innovative practitioners of what she calls "verbiage."

The poems collected here were compiled verbatim from only three brief
interviews. So just imagine the work Sarah Palin could produce over the
next four (or eight) years.

"On Good and Evil"

It is obvious to me
Who the good guys are in this one
And who the bad guys are.
The bad guys are the ones
Who say Israel is a stinking corpse,
And should be wiped off
The face of the earth.

That's not a good guy.

(To K. Couric, CBS News, Sept. 25, 2008)

"You Can't Blink"

You can't blink.
You have to be wired
In a way of being
So committed to the mission,

The mission that we're on,
Reform of this country,
And victory in the war,
You can't blink.

So I didn't blink.

(To C. Gibson, ABC News, Sept. 11, 2008)

"Haiku"

These corporations.
Today it was AIG,
Important call, there.

(To S. Hannity, Fox News, Sept. 18, 2008)

"Befoulers of the Verbiage"

It was an unfair attack on the verbiage
That Senator McCain chose to use,
Because the fundamentals,
As he was having to explain afterwards,
He means our workforce.
He means the ingenuity of the American.
And of course that is strong,
And that is the foundation of our economy.
So that was an unfair attack there,
Again based on verbiage.

(To S. Hannity, Fox News, Sept. 18, 2008)

"Secret Conversation"

I asked President Karzai:

"Is that what you are seeking, also?
"That strategy that has worked in Iraq?
"That John McCain had pushed for?
"More troops?
"A counterinsurgency strategy?"

And he said, "Yes."

(To K. Couric, CBS News, Sept. 25, 2008)

"Outside"

I am a Washington outsider.
I mean,
Look at where you are.
I'm a Washington outsider.

I do not have those allegiances
To the power brokers,
To the lobbyists.
We need someone like that.

(To C. Gibson, ABC News, Sept. 11, 2008)

"On the Bailout"

Ultimately,
What the bailout does
Is help those who are concerned
About the health care reform
That is needed
To help shore up our economy,
Helping the—
It's got to be all about job creation, too.

Shoring up our economy
And putting it back on the right track.
So health care reform
And reducing taxes
And reining in spending
Has got to accompany tax reductions
And tax relief for Americans.
And trade.

We've got to see trade
As opportunity
Not as a competitive, scary thing.
But one in five jobs
Being created in the trade sector today,
We've got to look at that
As more opportunity.
All those things.

(To K. Couric, CBS News, Sept. 25, 2008)

"Challenge to a Cynic"

You are a cynic.
Because show me where
I have ever said
That there's absolute proof
That nothing that man
Has ever conducted
Or engaged in,
Has had any effect,
Or no effect,
On climate change.

(To C. Gibson, ABC News, Sept. 11, 2008)

"On Reporters"

It's funny that
A comment like that
Was kinda made to,
I don't know,
You know ...

Reporters.

(To K. Couric, CBS News, Sept. 25, 2008)

"Small Mayors"

You know,
Small mayors,
Mayors of small towns—
Quote, unquote—
They're on the front lines.

(To S. Hannity, Fox News, Sept. 19, 2008)

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: [Funnies] Humour for Lexophiles

noreply@blogger.com (Niles) — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 21:39:00 +0000

Humour for Lexophiles

1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

2. Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's
all right now.

4. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

5. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

6. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

7. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U. C. L. A

8. The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it!

9. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

10. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

11. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

12. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is just two-tired.

13. A will is a dead giveaway.

14. A backward poet writes inverse.

15. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

16. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

17. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in
linoleum blown apart.

18. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

19. A calendar's days are numbered.

20. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

21. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

22.. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

23. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

24. Acupuncture: a jab well done

25. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

26. A guy who fell into an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

27. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

[nilesfunnies] The Amazing Scotsman

noreply@blogger.com (Niles) — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 15:15:00 +0000

The Amazing Scotsman

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress.
A sign read: 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a
ticket and sat down.
There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.
Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed
all three walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Scot was carried off on the
shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded
sign for the same circus and the same sign, 'Don't Miss The Amazing
Scotsman'.
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his
act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.
This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the
table.
The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and
shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know something.
You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?'

'Weel laddie', said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.'

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: [Funnies] Fw: What's the matter

noreply@blogger.com (Niles) — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 14:09:00 +0000

What's the matter
An English teacher spent a lot of time marking grammatical errors on her
students' written work. She wasn't sure how much impact she was having
until one overly busy day she sat at her desk rubbing her temples.

A student asked, "What's the matter, Mrs. Sheridan?"

"Tense," she replied, describing her emotional state.

After a slight pause the student tried again ... "What was the matter?
What has been the matter? What might have been the matter? ...?"

[nilesfunnies] polyglot gag:

noreply@blogger.com (Niles) — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 01:09:00 +0000

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a German and an Italian are sitting together
discussing the relative merits of their languages.

"To take a single example," says the Englishman, "what name better
suggests the beautiful, delicate motion of that creature we call a
butterfly?"

"Ah," says the Frenchman, "but surely the glorious intricacy of its
markings and designs is captured utterly in the word /papillon/."

"Si," says the Italian, "but the frame of the creature itself, the
combination of grace and precariousness, is evoked to perfection by the
name /farfalla/."

"And what," says the German grouchily, "is wrong with /Schmetterling/ ?"

[nilesfunnies] Invite...

noreply@blogger.com (Niles) — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 00:26:00 +0000

Ouch!

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Funnies Mailing List <Funnies@mailprocessor.co.uk>
To: alex.foster@zetnet.co.uk

You are all invited to a family BBQ at a Mansion in Shropshire.

There'll be plenty of beer, but sadly no Fosters!

[nilesfunnies] the farmer and the moneylender

noreply@blogger.com (Niles) — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 16:55:00 +0000

Farmer and the Money Lender

Many years ago in a small Indian village, a farmer had the misfortune
of owing a large sum of money to a village moneylender. The
moneylender, who was old and ugly, fancied the farmer's beautiful
daughter. So he proposed a bargain.

He said he would forgo the farmer's debt if he could marry his
daughter. Both the farmer and his daughter were horrified by the
proposal. So the cunning money-lender suggested that they let
providence decide the matter. He told them that he would put a black
pebble and a white pebble into an empty money bag. Then the girl would
have to pick one pebble from the bag.

1) If she picked the black pebble, she would become his wife and her
father's debt would be forgiven.

2) If she picked the white pebble she need not marry him and her
father's debt would still be forgiven.

3) But if she refused to pick a pebble, her father would be thrown into jail.

They were standing on a pebble strewn path in the farmer's field. As
they talked, the moneylender bent over to pick up two pebbles. As he
picked them up, the sharp-eyed girl noticed that he had picked up two
black pebbles and put them into the bag. He then asked the girl to
pick a pebble from the bag.

Now, imagine that you were standing in the field. What would you have
done if you were the girl? If you had to advise her, what would you
have told her?

Careful analysis would produce three possibilities:
1. The girl should refuse to take a pebble.

2. The girl should show that there were two black pebbles in the bag
and expose the money-lender as a cheat.

3. The girl should pick a black pebble and sacrifice herself in order
to save her father from his debt and imprisonment.

Take a moment to ponder over the story. The above story is used with
the hope that it will make us appreciate the difference between
lateral and logical thinking. The girl's dilemma cannot be solved with
traditional logical thinking. Think of the consequences if she chooses
the above logical answers.

What would you recommend to the Girl to do?

Well, here is what she did ....

The girl put her hand into the moneybag and drew out a pebble. Without
looking at it, she fumbled and let it fall onto the pebble-strewn path
where it immediately became lost among all the other pebbles.

'Oh, how clumsy of me,' she said. 'But never mind, if you look into
the bag for the one that is left, you will be able to tell which
pebble I picked.' Since the remaining pebble is black, it must be
assumed that she had picked the white one. And since the money-lender
dared not admit his dishonesty, the girl changed what seemed an
impossible situation into an extremely advantageous one.

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: LDC - Misc

noreply@blogger.com (Niles) — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 16:59:00 +0000

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: FrenchFox <frenchfox@gmail.com>
Date: 2008/8/21
Subject: LDC - Misc
To: undisclosed-recipients

These are actual writings from patients notes in various hospitals.< /i>

1. The patient refused an autopsy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
very hot in bed last night.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
5 Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6. On the second day, the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to
be depressed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12. She is numb from her toes down.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated, and sent home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
14. The skin was moist and dry.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
15 Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life,
until she got a divorce.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
24. The pelvis exam will be done later on the floor.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: A True Scot

noreply@blogger.com (Niles) — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 21:22:00 +0000

A Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to
the chemist.

The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton
bandanna, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square, which he also
unfolds to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it. He holds it up, and eyes it
critically. 'How much to repair it?' the Scot asks the pharmacist.

'Six pence,' says the pharmacist.

'How much for a new one?' 'Ten pence,' says the pharmacist.

The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton
bandanna, places it in his sporran and marches out the door of the
pharmacy, kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the pharmacist hears a great shout go up,
followed by an even greater shout.

The Scot walks back into the pharmacy, and again speaks to the
pharmacist. 'The regiment has taken a vote,' the Scot says. 'We'll
have a new one.'

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: Fw: Mental Health Issues

noreply@blogger.com (Niles) — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 14:59:00 +0000

Mental Health Issues
A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have
improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.

The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided,
however, to interview him first.

"Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what
do you intend to do with your life?'

The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I
do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a
nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons
research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself
to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult
and stressful."

"Marvellous," said the head of the institution.

"Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be
said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of
scientists."

"Absolutely," said the head.

"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on
science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my
experiences in this fine institution."

"An interesting possibility," said the head.

"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue
to be a teakettle."

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: frisbee

noreply@blogger.com (Niles) — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 11:16:00 +0000

I was standing in the park, wondering why a frisbee gets bigger as it
gets closer. Then it hit me.

[nilesfunnies] William Penn

noreply@blogger.com (Niles) — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 11:16:00 +0000

William Penn, the founder and mayor of Philadelphia, had two aunts:
Hattie and Sophia, who were skilled in the baking arts. "Big Bill" was
petitioned by the citizens of his town because the three bakeries in the
town had during the Revolution raised the price of pies to the point
that only the rich could afford them.

He turned to his aunts and asked their advice. The wonderful old ladies
were so incensed over this situation that they offered to bake 100 pies
and sell them for 2 cents lower that any of the bakeries were charging.

They were not only successful in bringing the price of pastry down in
Philadelphia, but they established an historical item for the reference
books.

To this day, scholars still talk about the remarkable pie rates of
Penn's aunts.

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: Fw: HiFi

noreply@blogger.com (Niles) — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 10:20:00 +0000

I bought some new headphones the other day. The left
one just went "Steak and kidney", while the right
one just went "Chicken and mushroom!"

That's the last time I buy anything from Pioneer.

[nilesfunnies] My favourite isn't one of mine. When I still lived and worked in

noreply@blogger.com (Niles) — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 14:14:00 +0000

My favourite isn't one of mine. When I still lived and worked in London
there was a small cafe and sandwich shop nearby that we used most days
for lunch. One day the owner told us about a woman who'd wandered in
that
morning. She'd stood there for a few seconds looking at the tables with
their sauce bottles, the glass-fronted counters with their meats and
salads, the big fridge with the fizzy drinks and so on. "Is this'" she
finally asked with a look of hope, "the library?"

The utter genius of a sandwich-maker looked at her blankly for the
briefest moment and then put a finger to his lips and said, "Shhh!"

[nilesfunnies] I remember when the Daleks were a peace-loving species...

noreply@blogger.com (Niles) — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 13:00:00 +0000

I remember when the Daleks were a peace-loving species...

...before they upgraded their operating system from xTermin 7.

[nilesfunnies] UN survey

noreply@blogger.com (Niles) — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 16:57:00 +0000

UN survey
Last month the UN conducted a worldwide survey consisting of
one single question:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions
to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant

In the US they didn't know what "rest of the world" meant.

[nilesfunnies] Paraphrased from a letter in our local paper this week:

noreply@blogger.com (Niles) — Sat, 28 Jun 2008 15:08:00 +0000

Paraphrased from a letter in our local paper this week:

Why has our oil run out?
Because nobody thought to check the oil level
Why not?
Because the oil in is the North Sea, and the dipsticks are in Whitehall.

[nilesfunnies] Eurostar

noreply@blogger.com (Niles) — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 13:36:00 +0000

Copied from amongst the tales on
http://www.railway-technical.com/stories.shtml

Eurostar drivers who operate trains between London, Paris and
Brussels are trained to speak French and English so they can
converse with controllers and other railway staff on both sides
of the Channel Tunnel. An English driver, speeding across
northern France one day, spotted a large stag wandering
dangerously close to the line. Not knowing the French word for
stag, he told the French control office, in his limited French,
that what he had seen was "a cow with a pantograph".

[nilesfunnies] A chap answered the door and found two blokes in suits outside. Th

noreply@blogger.com (Niles) — Tue, 27 May 2008 16:38:00 +0000

A chap answered the door and found two blokes in suits outside. They asked
him what kind of bread he liked and he replied "white".

They then spent 25 minutes haranguing him about the virtues of brown
bread.

The were the Hovis witnesses.

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: Fw: Olympics Speech

noreply@blogger.com (Niles) — Sat, 10 May 2008 16:39:00 +0000

Olympics Speech
President Bush(*) is rehearsing his speech for the ceremonies at the
Beijing 2008 Olympic Games. He begins his remarks with "Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!
Ooo! Ooo!"

Immediately his speech writer rushes over and whispers in his ear: "Sir,
those are the Olympic rings. Your speech is underneath!"

(*) Replace with suitable politician/ethnic/celebrity name as required.

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: BIRTHDAY REMINDER

noreply@blogger.com (Niles) — Thu, 08 May 2008 15:24:00 +0000

This week we celebrate a special birthday!

Monica Lewinsky turned 34.

Can you believe it?

It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House
on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth.

They grow up so fast, don't they????

[nilesfunnies] Fw: The Luck Of The Irish....

noreply@blogger.com (Niles) — Sat, 26 Apr 2008 14:08:00 +0000

The Luck Of The Irish....
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to
the bird section where Gerry points and says to Paddy: "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help.

"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat
cage up dere," says Gerry.

The shop owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get
into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot
drop and says: "Dis looks like a grand place."

Then he takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each
shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all
the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes
his head and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too
fook'n dangerous for me!"

Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of
the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a
shotgun in the other.

"Hi, Paddy, watch dis," Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets it fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches amazed as, half way down, Seamus aims the gun and
shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits
the bottom and dies beside Gerry.

Paddy shakes his head and says firmly: "And I'm never trying dat
parrotshooting either!"

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two
friends when Sean appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a
cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean takes the chicken by its legs and then hurls himself
off the cliff only to fall down and down until he hits the
rocks and dies beside the others.

Once more Paddy shakes his head sadly:

"Fook dees extrame sports. Dere too dangerous.
First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping,
den Seamus parrotshooting... and now
Sean and his frg'n hengliding!"

[nilesfunnies] Fwd: Grand Slam

noreply@blogger.com (Niles) — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 23:02:00 +0000

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.

Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'

Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.

Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad says, 'So what were you watchin'?'

Billy says, ' Wimbledon ..'

[nilesfunnies] Fw: The OGC and their new logo....

noreply@blogger.com (Niles) — Sun, 20 Apr 2008 22:42:00 +0000

The OGC and their new logo....
According to http://www.ogc.gov.uk/ -

"The Office of Government Commerce (OGC) is an office of HM Treasury,
responsible for improving value for money by driving up standards and
capability in procurement, from commodities buying to the delivery of
major capital projects, maximising the effective use of 60% of Government spending and a £30 billion property estate. "

It has just spent £100,000 on a new logo - http://www.hein.org.uk/ogc.jpg

Unfortunately, when this was unveiled to OGC staff at an expensive jolly, it took some ten seconds for helpless laughter to break out - if you rotate the logo by 90 degrees clockwise, you will perhaps understand why.

It is still intended to introduce the new logo at the end of the month!

[nilesfunnies] Fw: Speight

noreply@blogger.com (Niles) — Tue, 15 Apr 2008 23:59:00 +0000

Speight
Mark Speight has been found dead. He was splattered with blue paint,
covered in glitter and had crayons sticking out of his nose.

Police say he died of a massive ART ATTACK!