[nilesfunnies] Ark 2.0

Ark 2.0

In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England
and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated,
and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2
of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the
CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will
start the unending rain for 40 days and 40nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard
- but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is
the Ark?" "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I
needed Building Regulations Approval. I've been arguing with the Fire
Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that
I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my
garden because it is development of the site even though in my view it
is a temporary structure.

We had to go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision. Then
the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future
costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear
the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea
would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. Getting the
wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation
Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set
up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the
environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted
that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the
accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put
so many animals in a confined space. Then the County Council, the
Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build
the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your
proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities
Commission on how many BMEs I'm supposed to hire for my building team.
The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire
only CSCS accredited workers with Ark-building experience. To make
matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm
trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to
finish this Ark." Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,
and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and
asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?" "No," said the
Lord. "The government beat me to it."